Thursday, December 17, 2009

It's a Boy!!!

Okay, so my siblings and I got an early christmas present, and it was of this precious little kitten.  It's a boy, and we haven't named him yet.  we are waiting about a week to name him, but I would love it if you guys would leave comments and offer suggestions.  He was born oct 28th, and he has green eyes.  the pictures make him look evil but he is such a lover! I think the pictures also make him look a bit bigger, he's actually really really small :D so what do you think??

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

If I. . .

If I could stand upon a cloud,
and dance with the moon
would the stars watch in awe
and hum a simple tune?

If I could paint the sky with love
and the water with passion,
would we fly or would we swim
in a romantic sort of fashion?

If the world ended now
and I was left alone,
would the moon still dance with me
or would I be on my own?


A book
a poem
a line
a word!
thats all I need
I start with a smile
the moon and stars
a crying child
or a dying tree
thats all I need
but I do not have the words
there are no stars in my sky.
In this moment. . .
I feel. . .everything
but at the same time. . .nothing
how do you start with you have no words, no images
and every emotion in the world?
How do I start something that hs so long ago stopped?
I need a word, a smile, a sky, a tree.
I am just the crying child
perhaps. . .
there is no start for me.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Just some poems I like


From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life- was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.
~Edgar Allen Poe

What If I Say I Shall Not Wait

WHAT if I say I shall not wait?
What if I burst the fleshly gate
And pass, escaped, to thee?
What if I file this mortal off,
See where it hurt me,—that ’s enough,
And wade in liberty?
They cannot take us any more,—
Dungeons may call, and guns implore;
Unmeaning now, to me,
As laughter was an hour ago,
Or laces, or a travelling show,
Or who died yesterday!
~Emily Dickinson

Love Should Grow Up Like A Wild Iris In the Fields

Love should grow up like a wild iris in the fields,
unexpected, after a terrible storm, opening a purple
mouth to the rain, with not a thought to the future,
ignorant of the grass and the graveyard of leaves
around, forgetting its own beginning.
Love should grow like a wild iris
but does not.

Love more often is to be found in kitchens at the dinner hour,
tired out and hungry, lingers over tables in houses where
the walls record movements, while the cook is probably angry,
and the ingredients of the meal are budgeted, while
a child cries feed me now and her mother not quite
hysterical says over and over, wait just a bit, just a bit,
love should grow up in the fields like a wild iris
but never does
really startle anyone, was to be expected, was to be
predicted, is almost absurd, goes on from day to day, not quite
blindly, gets taken to the cleaners every fall, sings old
songs over and over, and falls on the same piece of rug that
never gets tacked down, gives up, wants to hide, is not
brave, knows too much, is not like an
iris growing wild but more like
staring into space
in the street
not quite sure
which door it was, annoyed about the sidewalk being
slippery, trying all the doors, thinking
if love wished the world to be well, it would be well.

Love should
grow up like a wild iris, but doesn't, it comes from
the midst of everything else, sees like the iris
of an eye, when the light is right,
feels in blindness and when there is nothing else is
tender, blinks, and opens
face up to the skies.

~ Susan Griffin ~

A Dream

In visions of the dark night
I have dreamed of joy departed-
But a waking dream of life and light
Hath left me broken-hearted.

Ah! what is not a dream by day
To him whose eyes are cast
On things around him with a ray
Turned back upon the past?

That holy dream- that holy dream,
While all the world were chiding,
Hath cheered me as a lovely beam
A lonely spirit guiding.

What though that light, thro' storm and night,
So trembled from afar-
What could there be more purely bright
In Truth's day-star?
~Edgar Allen Poe

Dear Knight in Shining Armor,

Dear Knight In Shining Armor,
Why do you make me wait?  Why am I sitting here, and you there?  I need you next to me, beside me, part of me.  I need to feel your warmth, your body, your heartbeat.  I need to know that you love me and that I don't wait in vain.  Please don't make me wait anymore, close the distance between us.  Kiss my lips, let me taste you, your love, your lust, your passion.  Let me lay in your arms as well as your heart.  Let me feel your finger tips pressing on my body.  I want to trace lines over your entire body.  I want to watch you while you sleep.  Please don't make me wait any longer dreaming, fantasizing.  Make my dreams a reality.  Let me be everything you've ever wanted and more, and make you the happiest Knight of all.  Let me do that. . .that is all I ask.  I love you dear Knight, as I always have. 

I Can No Longer Write

I can no longer write
about the sun in the sky
the moon and the stars
the water in your eye.
There is no more darkness
and yet no more light
not in my head or on paper
I can no longer write.
No emotion or feeling
no pain nor love
no words come from my mouth
no sounds from up above.
It no longer comes to my hands
mouth, eyes, or ears
it doesn't come to me anymore
like in previous years.
Perhaps it is me
or maybe it was you
but I cannot write beautiful things
that come out of the blue. 
Instead my hands and mind argue
how they yell and they fight
about the nothingness that comes
I can no longer write.


When it pours all over the world,
I'm there to catch the drops.
I rock away the thunderous cries
and the fits of lightening.
I rub until the clouds disappear
until it is once again silent.

But when my rain clouds burst,
the world runs away.
I'm left alone to my shaking thunder
while my clouds hang low.
Then hold myself until I drift away,
another storm for the world tomorrow holds.

Thursday, December 3, 2009


This is similar to the tattoo i want.  I want an all blue star with white and black angel wings on my ankle.  I don't want the halo though.  What do you think??

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Soldiers Silent Night

There was a link to this video in a forum of a website I go on a lot. . .its very meaningful and made me cry for obvious reasons.  I thought I would share it with you because it has a great message.

Oh How The World Might Be

So I had to write this play for AP English. . .and the day before I wrote it I still had no ideas, but once I started I couldn't stop.  I am really impressed with it so I decided to post it on here.  I hope you guys like it and I would appreciate comments and critiques!!!


Olivia- lead character, age 16-17

Debbie- Olivia’s mother

James- Olivia’s father

Nikki- Olivia’s younger sister

Drew- Olivia’s younger brother

Mr. Wright- Olivia’s basketball coach

Mrs. Parfait- Olivia’s English teacher

Mr. Stalwart – Olivia’s boss

Amy- Olivia’s best friend, she is around the same age as Olivia

Devon- Olivia’s boyfriend

Act 1

Scene 1

The scene opens to Olivia’s family living room. There is a couch up stage center with a coffee table near by. The front door is stage left, and the door that leads anywhere else in the house is stage right.

Olivia-(enters from stage left in a huff, she drops her bags on the floor and rushes to the couch. She lies down and puts her hands on her face.) Ugh!

Debbie-(enters from stage right with a laundry basket in her hands overfilled with clothes.) Oh good, you’re home. How was school today?

Olivia sits up on the couch with her hands on her head to portray her stress. Then both Olivia and Debbie freeze on stage and the stage goes black. Mr. Wright, Mrs. Parfait, Mr. Stalwart, and Amy enter in the dark. Mr. Wright stands down stage left, Mrs. Parfait stands down stage left of center, Devon stands down stage center, Mr. Stalwart stands stage down stage right of center, and Amy stands down stage right. They stand in the dark until the spot light only shines on Mr. Wright.

Mr. Wright- Olivia, you need to be practicing more outside of school. I don’t know what’s been going on with you lately. You’re not playing hard enough and you’re not focused. You’re on varsity, you need to live up to that or I’m going to have to take you off the team. You understand that don’t you?

The spot light goes out and then shines on Mrs. Parfait.

Mrs. Parfait- Olivia, where is your homework? This is the third time in the last 2 weeks that you haven’t had your homework and haven’t been prepared for class. You’re in AP, this is a college level class. We are trying to prepare you for college; you can’t do this sort of thing there. What’s going on with you? You have another 2 essays to do tonight, and you still have 4 other essays to make up from earlier this week.

The spot light goes out and then shines on Devon.

Devon- Listen Olivia, I don’t think we can keep going out. You’re just too busy for me and I’m feeling really neglected. You’ve been so distant lately; I don’t even feel like we’re dating anymore. So, I’m sorry, it’s over. I want to tell you myself about something else too, so it doesn’t shock you later. . .I’m seeing someone else.

The spot light goes out and then shines on Mr. Stalwart

Mr. Stalwart- (angry) Olivia, do you see what time it is? You are fifteen minutes late again! This has to stop! Do you understand that other people can’t leave until you show up? Ugh, listen, I have 3 people going on vacation next week so I’m going to need you to work every day after school and your normal hours on the weekend. You better be on time!

The spot light goes out and then shines on Amy

Amy- So listen, I really need your help with my math homework this week. Oh, and have I told you about me and Jason? Yeah, we broke up last night. Ugh, I am so stressed out about it. I thought he was the one, you know I really did. We were so perfect. He keeps accusing me of cheating, it just broke my heart. I’m so glad that I have you here to talk to, you’re the best. So about my math homework, do you think you can come over tonight so we can work on it?

The spot light goes out, Mr. Wright, Mrs. Parfait, Devon, Mr. Stalwart, and Amy walk off the stage and the lights come back up. Debbie and Olivia unfreeze.

Olivia-(she sighs) It was fine mom.

Debbie- That’s good. I really need your help. Could you finish up the laundry and fold it? And I could really use your help with dinner after that.

Olivia-(without emotion) Yeah, sure mom.


Scene 2

The scene opens to Olivia sitting in the living room on the couch. She has piles of homework in front of her, and the clock behind the couch reads 11:00 P.M. The couch is moved to stage right and it appears to be cut in half. Amy is sitting on a chair on stage left painting her nails. The girls are on the phone with each other.

Olivia- I don’t know what to do Amy, I am just so overwhelmed with everything. With work, homework, basketball, school, Devon breaking up with me, stuff at home. It’s awful! I can’t handle it, but I don’t have a choice. It’s not like I can stop going to school or work. What do I do Amy; I’m like going to have a nervous break down or something?

Amy- Oh, I know what you mean girl. I mean, I don’t have as much stuff going on as you, but I get overwhelmed with the stuff I have to do. Sometimes life just sucks. Can you believe that Jason and I broke up? I am still in shock.

Olivia- Yeah, well Devon left me too, and then told me that he was already seeing someone else. I hate guys sometimes. I hate life right now. I wish I could just drop everything and get away. What do you do when you get overwhelmed? I need help Amy.

Amy- Haha, I usually get a beer and just chill. Jason would usually smoke pot or something stupid like that. That stuff is horrible for you and smells awful. I would just drink a beer or some vodka and after a while, it would all be good.

Olivia- Yeah, not happening. My mom would kill me if she caught me drinking. Any other suggestions?

Amy- I don’t know what to tell you Olivia. Why don’t you go out with me tomorrow night and I’ll get you drunk. It will be fine and your mother will never find out. I promise you will feel better. You just feel so happy when you’re drinking.

Olivia- I don’t think so Amy. I had better go; I have so much homework to do tonight. I’ll see you tomorrow.

Amy- Alright girly, have fun. Don’t forget to meet me at my locker tomorrow morning.


Scene 3

The scene opens to Olivia’s family living room. The couch is up stage center in its original position. The piles of homework are still all over the coffee table and Olivia is asleep on the couch. There is a bottle of what appears to be some form of alcohol on top of one of the piles of homework and it is almost empty. Nikki and Drew enter from stage right. They are all ready for school and wearing their backpacks.

Nikki- Is Olivia sick? Is she not going to school today?

Drew- I don’t know. Maybe we should wake her up.

They both walk over to Olivia and Drew shakes her to wake her up.

Drew- Olivia, wake up. Are you going to school today? We have to leave in 5 minutes or we’re going to be late.

Olivia- (Still pretty much asleep and very out of it. It is noticeable that she has a hangover) Ughhh. Shhhh. What time is it? (She doesn’t move)

Nikki- Its 7:30. Are you okay Olivia? You look pale.

Olivia- (she starts to get up) I don’t know. I’m not feeling very well. I think I’m going to throw up and my head is killing me. (She remembers the bottle, grabs it, and hides it behind her back. Nikki and Drew don’t seem to notice.)

Drew- Maybe you should stay home. I’ll call mom and tell her.

Olivia- No! No, Drew. I’m fine. I’ll go to school. Let me go get ready. You guys take the bus today alright? I’ll drive myself that way if I’m late you guys won’t be.

Nikki- Are you sure? If you’re sick you really should stay home. You don’t look good at all. Mom wouldn’t mind if you stayed home.

Olivia- No. I have to go. Just go get on the bus. I’ll see you guys later.

Nikki and Drew give up trying and exit stage Left. Olivia starts massaging her head to try to ease her headache. She then grabs her mouth and stomach as if she is going to be sick and runs off stage right.


Scene 4

The scene opens to Amy and Olivia standing in front of a set of lockers. A few other students are standing around talking as well.

Amy- So Jason tried texting me this morning. What is his issue? He breaks up with me yesterday and then begs for me to come back to him this morning. That boy needs to make up his mind. But of course I took him back. He’s just too cute to say no to, and I swear I’m going to be with him for like . . . ever. (She finally looks up at Olivia who is still very pale, her hair is a mess, and her make up is smeared) Wow . . . you look awful. Are you okay? Did you sleep last night? Are you sick?

Olivia- Something like that.

Amy- What do you mean? Are you okay? Talk to me!

Olivia- (She sighs) I listened to your advice last night. I drank almost an entire bottle of. . .I’m not even sure what it was. It tasted awful at first, but after a while I couldn’t stop and then I just passed out. I woke up this morning feeling awful. I still feel awful. Amy, I thought you said I would feel better? I feel worse!

Amy- You have a hang over Olivia. It happens when you drink too much. Just drink a lot of water and you’ll be fine. You don’t feel great now, but didn’t you feel good last night? Didn’t you feel relieved?

Olivia- Well . . . I’m not sure I remember. All I know is I didn’t finish my homework so I’m in big trouble.

Amy- Haha, you’re so funny sometimes. So do you want to go out tonight? I’m sure I could hook you up with one of Jason’s friends.

Olivia- I don’t think so Amy. I don’t ever want to drink again, after today I am never touching another drop of alcohol. Ugh.

Amy- I promise you get used to it, and it’s not so bad after a while. But I understand that you’re busy. But really girl, I think you should go take a look at yourself in the bathroom. Did you even look at yourself this morning? You’re a mess!

Olivia- I was in such a rush I didn’t have time really. Not to mention the light hurts my head even more!

Amy- (Randomly) Why don’t we cut school today?

Olivia- WHAT?

Amy- Yeah, we could both use a break. Why don’t we just go hang out some where? It would give you time to finish your homework and get over your hangover. You really need a day off.

Olivia- Do you know how much trouble we could get it? Besides, if I miss a day of school to do my homework, I will have even more homework by not being here. Since when do you skip school anyways?

Amy- Well I’ve never actually done it before, but I think we deserve it. It could be fun and who else would I want to spend my day off with than my best friend!

Olivia- Oh, I don’t know Amy. . .

Amy- Come on, you know you want to. Heck, you know you need it!

Olivia- Alright, but just this once. This is the first and only time okay?

Amy- Yes! Okay, definitely. Let me just call Jason to see if he wants to come along. Maybe he’ll bring one of his friends. (she puts her cell phone to her ear and starts talking to Jason) Hey baby, I was just wondering. . .

Olivia- . . . but I thought . . . oh never mind. (She sighs)

Amy- Okay great, we’ll meet you out by my car. Love you Pooky, kiss kiss.


Scene 5

The scene opens to Olivia’s family living room. It is dimly lit to show that it is late at night and the clock reads 11:00 P.M. Olivia enters from stage left tip toeing in and trying to be as quiet as possible. She closes the door quietly and as she does that the lights come up to show that her mother has turned on the light. Debbie comes in and stands center stage. She is very upset and is wearing a long bathrobe. Olivia looks at her mother and knows she is in trouble.

Debbie- Where in the world have you been?

Olivia- (slurring her words and acting very drunk) Out with Amy.

Debbie- Why didn’t you call? You know your coach called me. He is very upset and may kick you off the team for missing practice. You didn’t tell me how much trouble you have been having with basketball. Where were you all night? I was worried sick! I was almost ready to call the cops!

Olivia- I was out with Amy mom, I’m fine. I’m gonna. . .I’m gonna go to bed now. G’night.

Debbie- Not so fast. What is going on with you? (Walks up to Olivia) You don’t look so good, are you feeling alright?

Olivia- Yeah mommy, I’m fine. I’m sleepy. I’m gonna go to sleep now.

Debbie- Why do I smell alcohol on your breath? Have you been drinking?

Olivia- Never! No, I’m not drinking at all!

Debbie- Oh my god, Olivia you’re drunk! What is the matter with you? Where have you been all night?

Nikki and Drew enter from stage Right

Nikki- What’s going on? Why were you yelling mommy? Is everything alright?

Debbie- Everything is fine Nikki, just go back up to bed. You both have school in the morning.

Drew- Is Olivia sick? She didn’t look so good this morning. She said her head hurt and she felt like she was going to throw up.

Debbie- What? Olivia, were you hung over this morning? What is going on here? I demand that you tell me right now!

Olivia- Nothing is going on. I’m just tired. You’re not listening. I’m not sick, I’m perfect! I’m absolutely perfect mom! (she begins to laugh hysterically)

Nikki- Mommy, what’s wrong with Olivia? Why is she acting funny?

Debbie- Nikki, Drew, go upstairs. I have to talk to Olivia. Go to bed.

Nikki and Drew look at each other with looks of concern and then turn and exit stage Right.

Olivia- Mom, I don’t feel. . .so good.

Debbie- What the hell were you thinking? Going out drinking on a school night? Coming home drunk? What has come over you? I don’t even know what to say or do.

Olivia- I think I’m going to be sick.

Debbie- You’re so grounded! You will not be going anywhere except for school, work, and practice. Do you understand me? And you will be bringing your brother and sister to school everyday from now on. There will be no cell phone and no seeing Amy for a while. I just don’t even know what to do with you. I am so disappointed Olivia.

Olivia- Mom! (Olivia runs off stage right covering her mouth and stomach. Debbie is seen holding her head in defeat and then all you hear from off stage is a loud Blegh!)


Scene 6

The scene opens to Olivia’s family living room. Olivia is sitting on the couch crying. The pile of homework is back on top of the table. The clock behind the couch reads 7:00 A.M.

Olivia- I don’t know what to do! I can’t handle this anymore. Nothing is getting better at all. This is only getting worse. Think Olivia, think! How stupid can you be? I am so stupid! How could I do this to myself? How could I do this to my mother? What am I doing! (She sobs) Okay, pull it together Olivia. How can I fix this? What do I do? (She sobs) Okay. I’ll quit the basketball team! No. . . I can’t do that. They need me. I need basketball for college. I could quit my job! No. . .I can’t do that either. I need the money for my car and they need me there too. I can’t let them down like this. Well I can’t quit school. (She picks up a bottle of alcohol that was on the floor and takes a big sip. Then looks at the bottle.) Why am I drinking this? Why am I doing this to myself? Alcohol has only made everything worse! Okay, that I can do. This is the last time I am going to drink. THE LAST TIME! Then I will really focus. Basketball season is almost finished. I can do this. I can do this. I just need to take a step back and focus. (She looks at the bottle) The very last time! Olivia, you can do this. It’s going to be alright. (She chugs down the rest of the bottle.)

Nikki and Drew enter from stage right all ready for school again.

Nikki- Are you ready Olivia?

Drew- Are you alright? Have you been crying?

Olivia- (She wipes her eyes and hides the bottle in the couch) Yeah, I’m fine. Let’s go guys.

Debbie enters from stage right.

Debbie- (To Olivia) Good, you’re up. Remember, come right home after school.

Olivia- I will mom.

Nikki, Drew, and Olivia exit stage left. Olivia had left her backpack on the floor by the coffee table and Debbie notices it and picks it up.

Debbie- (Walking off stage left yelling) Olivia! Wait! You Left your backpack!

A car crash is heard.

Debbie- (Yelling, and in hysterics) No! Olivia! No!


Scene 7

The scene opens to Debbie, James, Amy, Mr. Stalwart, Mr. Write, Mrs. Parfait, and Devon all standing around a coffin. They are all wearing a black for the funeral. They are all crying.

Amy- (To Debbie and James) I am so sorry. This is all my fault. None of this would have happened if it weren’t for me.

Debbie- It’s not your fault Amy. No one caused this, and no one could have stopped this (She sobs)

James- Why didn’t you tell me what was going on Debbie? I’m their father! You should have called me as soon as you found out she was drinking. Maybe I could have done something.

Debbie- I’m sorry! Okay! I didn’t know how bad it was. I didn’t know what to think. This is all my fault okay? Our baby. . .our children. . .I didn’t do enough. I’m a horrible mother. (She sobs)

James- How are Nikki and Drew?

Debbie- Not good. They’re both in a coma and the doctor said they may never wake up, and if they do they will both have severe brain damage. What am I supposed to do James? All my kids are . . . what do I do?

Amy, who has been listening to the conversation, runs off stage left.

James- I don’t know Debbie. I don’t know. (He sighs) It’s going to be alright. We’ll get through this. Nikki and Drew are going to make it. It’s going to be alright. (He hugs her.)

Debbie- (She walks up closer to the coffin and puts her hand on it) I love you Olivia. I’m sorry that I didn’t see what was going on. I’m so sorry. I’m going to miss you baby girl. We all will. I love you. (She sobs.)

Everyone walks off stage right and the lights dim. The spot light is left on the coffin.


Monday, November 30, 2009

Who Am I?

A very special person today told me to be myself. . .be myself?  Who am I?  That was what I thought immediately and I began to cry.  I honestly don't know anymore.  I used to know.  I knew exactly who I was, what I wanted. . .and everything.  I've always been a planner, I'm not a person that can live for the moment.  I've been planning out my life since kindergarden, and just recently things began to change.  I broke down crying when I decided to change my major. . .because that meant a change of plans.  I had to change what I wanted to be for the rest of my life, and I know that seems stupid, but its a big deal to me.  My future is almost set in stone for me in my mind. . .and when things get changed its almost like losing part of my past.  I'm still some what unsure about my future as far as what I want to be. . .but I know the general direction.  I know I want to help people, I want to impact lives, and make a difference.  I guess in my mind I think that if I can save just one persons life it will make up for the one that I couldn't save. . .But back to the original question. . .who am I?  Lets see:
My name is Jocelyn Marisa Oeser (Jocie)
My birthday is January 22
I'm female
fair complected. . .these are all physical. . .they make up what I am. . .not who I am. . .so who am I?
I like art, and music, and theatre.  I like cute little animals, especially when they're sweet.  The stars, and the brain intrigue me.  I enjoy songs that make me cry, and pictures of tranquil and serene landscapes.  Children make me smile, especially when they're smiling.  I don't paint my nails, I don't enjoy it anymore.  I'm addicted to my cell phone and my computer, they're like limbs.  My favorite food is eggplant and my favorite color is crimson.  I like to sing in the car, or when I'm alone.  In my mind, swimming is comparable to flying.  Google has become my bestfriend.  I didn't eat meat for 3 years. . .and it still grosses me out from time to time to be honest.  Religion confuses me and surrounds me.  I wish I could paint.  I enjoy school :0.  I'm eccentric, sensitive, and flirty :D I enjoy writing and I'm not afraid to tell people how I feel unless I think it will upset them, or make them feel bad.  I hate upsetting people, I take it very personally.  I love families and dreaming.  I love to talk about the future, and what my "ideal" life would be.  I have nightmares almost every night now, but I've gotten used to most of them.  I have a crush on a teacher ♥ and I read the twilight series.  I love to read!  I've been hurt many times.  My dad left me when I was a baby. . .he never wanted me in the first place.  He always made promises that he couldn't keep and I never understood why he couldnl't love me.  My mom is my hero!  My cousin died when I was 15 and my life has never been the same. . .I think about her everyday.  I don't really write stories or anything anymore like I used to because I can't. . .it all ends up being about her.  My play is sort of a combination about my life and hers.  Its hard for me to trust people.  I hate shaving. . .just ask BJ, he felt my legs when we went swimming together lol (i know its gross).  I can't sleep with out my bra on. . .its like a security blanket.  I wish I could play the piano.  Thats me in a nut shell. . .and what do I want out of life?  All I want is happiness. . .for me, and everyone around me.  I'm scared to death of making a decision that will negatively effect someone around me.  I wish I could know the outcome of my decisions before I make them, but I can't. . .so its all guess and check.  I want to fall in love, graduate from college, get married, have a few kids, and life a happy life.  I don't want my children to ever have to suffer or go without.  Thats all I want.  Seems simple right? 

Friday, November 27, 2009

I Had A Dream.

I dreamed last night that I was running.  I was being chased, or at least something was following me.  I would look back from time to time, but I couldn't see what it was.  I was scared.  I was crying.  Everything around me was attacking me.  The world was against me.  The world wanted me for dead.  I didn't know where to go, but I kept running.  There was a path in the forest, I followed it.  There was nothing else to follow.  Nothing seemed safe. 
There was a man in the forest right in front of my path.  He just stood there looking at me.  He had this strange look in his eyes.  I thought it was rage, hatred, pain.  I was scared, I thought this was it, but I kept running.  My body wouldn't let me stop.
I ran right into the mans arms.  I continued to cry, and shake with fear, and the man still held me.  It was then that I realized it was you.  You were the man I ran to.  You held me tight and for the first time I felt safe.  Your arms were strong and warm, and you just held me as I cried.  You protected me from the demons, and all my fears.  I held on to you as tight as I could, I feared that if I let go, you would disappear. 
After a while I stopped crying and I stopped shaking.  I looked up at you, and you still had that look in your eyes.  I realized that it wasn't rage, hate, or pain.  It was the look of love, and passion, and lust, and desire. 
I will never forget that look.
I will never forget your warmth.
I will never forget your strength.
I will never forget you, because you are my safety, my protection, and my love. 

Did you know?. . .

Did you know that you inspire me?  
Your words are like a drug that send me whirling though a psychadelic state. 
The sound of your voice harmonizes with the song of my soul. 
Your lips taste like heaven, but burn through me like hell.
Your eyes catch and hold me tight, and I will never leave.

Did you know that I love it when you listen to me speak?  When all I hear is your breathing and all I see is your smile.
I love it when you're near me.  When all I feel is your warmth, and all I smell. . .is you.

Did you know that I'm not sure I could love you more than I do because my heart might just explode?   Or the world might end?
But if the world does end, my love, I will still love you.  I know I will live forever in your heart, and you will live forever in mine. 

Did you know that I started writing because of you?  I used to write before, but stopped when that part of me died.  You know what I'm talking about.  I could no longer get the words out.  I could no longer show myself that way.  Until you.  You inspired me.  You healed the part of me I needed to write again.  I can write about love again, but more, I can feel love again.

Did you know that I am yours?  I gave you my heart, my soul, my body.  That is my gift to you, the only one I can give that is worthy.  You gave me more than I deserve and I cannot meet that because you deserve the world.  So I give you my love. 

Did you know? 

Thursday, November 26, 2009


So its thanksgiving and this is what i'm thankful for:

my family of course because where would I be without them.

my friends I couldn't have survived these last few years with out them. 

my health. . .well. . .sorta. . .lol i haven't exactly been the healthiest person in the world this year.

my car. . .enough said

my life, it hasn't been the easiest one, but it's been one hell of a ride.

my ipod, it helps me to block people out :D

My ability to read, write, walk, stand, look around, breath, touch, smell, taste and all that good stuff.  Life wouldn't be as much fun or as barable with out these abilities.

I'm thankful that I'm not starving, dying, an orphan or homeless. 

Monday, November 23, 2009

The Story of My Life

Main Characters:
Me (Jocie)
My Mom
My Dad
My Little Sister
Little Brother

Loss of Innocence

Man vs. Man
Man vs. Self

Jessica's death
Familial Conflict
Distruction of Relationships

Cell phone

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I'm Overwhelmed

Ugh, i am so stressed out.  This week has been so terrible.  Okay, first off, I have so much to do in school, so much work its terrible.  I am doing all I can to stay caught up but its so hard with everything else that is going on.  Then we have the play this week.  I love the play, but it is really hard to focus on it all with everything else going on.  I'm working so hard on my lines and everything, but its hard to focus on and retain anything.  I study my lines every day, but there are still some I'm not getting.  Like I have some lines that have nothing to do with what we're talking about so its hard to go by cues and what not.  I have to write a play this week as well for english, which I'm excited about doing, but it just adds to everything else going on so I wish we weren't doing it right now.  On top of that I had a major issue with my boyfriend the other night.  I found out his parents and family didn't like me at all.  That broke my heart because I've never been in a situation like that.  Tim was going to leave me because of it as well. . .It hurt really really bad, but I asked tim if he loved me and if he would give me the opportunity to fix things and he said yes.  I think I was able to straighten everything out with them.  I listened to what they had to say and told them my side as well.  Their opinion is very important to me so I'm going to do all I can to make everything good.  I think they liked that I went over there to talk to them and I think tim did too.  I hope I worked it all out.  But Tim did leave today for the army and it was hard to say goodbye.  I wont see him for like a month, possibly more and it hurts.  It's stressful.  Then I'm stressed out about work, they want to give me more hours and. . .and. . .I'm going insane.  I can't handle all of this.  At the same time, I have college to worry about, my concert is coming up for orchestra, my car is a pain in the butt and I need tires, I have responsibilities at home.  Its all too much and I don't know what to do.  This week has been awful.  Last night was hard, it was stressful, scary, and nerve racking.  I'm facing things right now that I just can't handle and I've been feeling like this ever since I had pneumonia and I wasn't in school or work for 2 and a half weeks.   I can't get ahead.  I just need a break from it all, but I can't take a break because then more just builds up.  I dont know what to do. 

Thursday, November 12, 2009

My Sexi Timmer ♥♥♥

check out my mans sexi body mm mm mm :D lol

his fly was undone lol


This is my boyfriend's bestfriend Chris.  He is single and lonely :( Interested??

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The Roll of Women

We were talking today in english a little bit about the rolls of women and how this one woman in the book we are reading takes care of her husband, always has dinner ready for him, takes his hat and coat when he comes home, keeps the children neat and in line, and all that traditional stoof.  My immediate reaction was, "whats wrong with that?"  I later found out that the woman wasn't happy in her roll as the traditional housewife.  I don't see why anyone wouldn't be happy doing that. . .what's wrong with it?  I find nothing wrong in keeping your husband happy, being obedient, taking care of the kids and doing all of that. . .I would happy in that roll.  I totally believe that is what my roll is supposed to be. . .I don't know. . .just thought I would add something about that on here. . .


I've been talking to a lot of different people about happiness.  What exactly is it?  Is it an emotion?  A lifestyle?  A myth?  What is it that makes people happy, and if something makes someone happy is it wrong?  Different things make people happy, but do they really make them happy or do they just think it does because its supposed to make them happy?  How do you know when you are truely happy or just content?  What is the difference?   What makes me happy?  And why do those things make me happy?  Do they truely make me happy?  Some people believe that their job and success makes them happy.  Other people say that other people make them happy.  Some even say that being alone makes them happy.  All these different people have different views, are any of them wrong?  Are all of them wrong?  What is supposed to make people happy?  Do you know you are happy when you are rolling on the floor laughing?  Or when you get that warm feeling in your stomach?  Some people compare love to happiness, like its directly related, is that true? 

If You Love Someone. . .

If you love someone, should it matter if they don't love you as much as you love them?  Should it matter what their friends or family think? Or what your friends and family think?  If you love someone, what does matter.  Should you let them go when they decide it isn't working, when in your heart you think it will?  If you love someone, is their happiness and well being more important than your own?  If you love someone, should you let go of everything you have ever dreamed of for them because now they are your life?  What is more important?  Is love more important than yourself?  How do these things weigh in?   If you love someone, should you listen to everyone around you because love has flooded your vision?  Or should you listen to your heart? 

Monday, November 9, 2009

I Fell In Love. . .

I fell in love with the ocean, the water, the salt, the sand.
I fell in love with the mountains, the rocks, and the trees.
I fell in love with dips and peaks of the earth, no matter how steep, or how shallow.
I love feeling the waves, the soft sand under my feet, the wind in my hair. 
I fell in love with the energy, the power, the strength.
I fell in love with the fire, the heat, the passion.
I love all of the elements of the earth, the texture, the smell, the emotions.
I fell in love with the earth, just as I fell in love with you.
I fell in love with your smile, your eyes, your hair.
I fell in love with your body, your muscles, your strenght.
I fell in love with your energy, the way you make me feel.
I fell in love with all the elements of your body, the texture, the smell, the taste, the sound.
I fell in love. . .with you.

Depressed. . .

I've been feeling really depressed since late last night, and its carried over into today.  I didn't sleep very well last night because I have so much on my mind and I've been in such a fog all day today.  I feel like I'm standing in the woods with two paths in front of me. both flourished with flowers and beauty but i see a rain cloud in the distance. which path will keep me dry and safe? which path will be more fun? Most of all. . .which path is the right path?  Its never good when I start thinking and thats what I've been doing since last night.  I wonder if what I'm doing is right and I try to think about all possible outcomes and it just depresses me.  I love my boyfriend very much, but at the same time I feel so alone.  Its hard to explain, but I'm trying.  I feel so detached from everyone lately.  I've been too busy to hang out with my friends, work, school, theatre are all I have time for and I feel so overwhelmed.  I just want to cry.  Last night when I was with Tim, we had to go over to his bestfriends house who Tim lives with most of the time.  While we were there Tim told me I could look at his cell phone but he warned me that he had nudey pix of his ex and old text messages.  He hadn't deleted them because his phone is shut off atm and so he hasn't used it really since they were together.  I didn't mind though because I know they are broken up and he is with me now and its all good.  But seeing the pictures of her and reading the texts really got to me.  I didn't say anything because there is nothing to say.  I have no clue why I feel this way, but I do.  I feel awful.  It has been eating at me and I really just need to get it out.  Why is it bothering me so badly?  Its not like he is cheating on me or anything.  I know he loves me.  I've had ex boyfriends, and I understand he has ex girlfriends. . .I dont get it.  ugh I hate feeling like this and being so depressed. 

Saturday, November 7, 2009


I wanted to go out. . .this is what I get lol.  Thats me in the middle, Tim is the one that looks angry that I am licking, and his bestfriend Chris is the one that looks constipated :D lol

Nov 6th

Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of the worst day of my life.  It was the anniversary of my cousin's death, a day I will never forget.  A big part of me died that day with her, and I haven't really been the same since.  I left school a little early to go to the cemetary because its an hour early and I wanted to make sure I got there before dark.  Tim went with me and I brought a candle to leave on her grave.  It was all decorated with flowers and candles, it looked very nice for such a horrible place.  It reminded me of some of the pain I have been avoiding for a long time and I broke down crying.  It still hurts a lot especially because I don't feel like Jessie is here with me anymore, at least not like I used to.  I know she is there, I just don't feel as connected to her.  When I got back in the truck I decided to call her mom, but the number I had was old, so I called her grandmother and spoke to her for a little while.  I told her that I loved her and she was in my thoughts and prayers.  We spoke for a few minutes and both cried on the phone.  We talked about Cory (Jessie's little sister that was also in the accident that is paralyzed) and that hurt me a lot.  I realized that I really need to see her and be there for her.  I got Lori's new number, but got the voicemail so I left one.  I broke down crying even more in the drunk, my heart was breaking.  Tim held me close, but I could tell it was kind of awkward for him because he didn't really know what to do in that situation, and that is fine. . .it was just nice to have him there holding me.  I miss my cousin so much, not a day goes by that I don't think about her and what happened.  I think a part of me still blames myself for not being able to help and save her like I thought I had.  It still breaks my heart that I didn't get to say goodbye.  I can't believe its only been 2 years, it seems like so much longer, but at the same time it seems like it was just yesterday. 

Monday, November 2, 2009

My Heart. . .

Love makes my heart beat faster and slower.
It beats faster when I hear your voice
when I feel your warmth
when I see your face
when I taste your mouth
when I smell your lust.
My heart races when I think about you near me,
holding me,
kissing me,
loving me.

It beats slower when you're away,
when I know I can't see you,
hear you,
feel you,
smell you,
or taste you.
When I remember that I am yours forever, it slows down and makes forever last.
It sometimes skips a beat at thought of our future.

You are my future, my life, my love. . .my everything. 

*I won't forget what is most important*

Love. . .

The petals may fall
The leaves may change
The sun may set,
but I still love you.

The wind may change,
The years may pass,
The tears may drip,
but I am still in love with you.

My breathing may slow
Your heart may stop
The end may come,
but I will always love you.

"Seasons may change,
winter to spring,
but I love you,
until the end of time."

Forever is now,
The end is never,
for my love for you will never die,
not now. . .not ever ♥♥♥

Things That Just Make Me Think. . .

I forgot to write about this a few weeks ago, but its been on my mind.  I was driving out to Chris's house to pick up my cactus when an elderly woman was in the middle of the road trying to push a riding lawn mower.  I got out and asked if she needed help. . .I tried to drive the thing across the road but I have no freaking clue how to work those things, so I helped her push it.  She told me that she was 90 and "couldn't do those sort of things anymore."  Then she said that when she was in need, god had sent her an angel (meaning me).  It made me think and its been on my mind.  All I did was help her push a lawn mower across the street, it wasn't all that big of a thing, but she explained it as god sending her an angel to help her.  This was similar to the time I had been waiting at the highschool for the bus, I think I was a sophomore and I had a wrist brace on for my tendonitis and this girl who is mentally disabled came up to me and asked what was wrong with my wrist.  A few weeks prior her mother's boyfriend had sexually assaulted her.  She didn't understand so she went around telling everyone what had happened and she moved a few weeks after.  But when I explained to her what was wrong with my wrist she said that she was sorry and she would pray for me.  A girl, who was mentally disabled and had just been raped by her mothers boyfriend was going to keep me in her prayers because my wrist was hurting. . .Things like this make me think and have an effect on me.  Like when I went to my cousins funeral, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do.  All I did was cry, and a huge chunk of me died.  When I walked up to the casket, my aunt was there giving hugs to everyone that came to the funeral.  When I gave her a hug she held me close in her arms and we both cried very hard and she told me that SHE wished SHE could take all MY pain away. . .Her daughter was dead and it was the funeral for her, her other daughter was in a coma and would never walk again, and her son had a broken leg, but she wanted to take all my pain away.  Her words still ring in my ears.  These are the reasons I believe in god.  These are the things that make me think and make me know there is something good and better than all of this.  This is just something I've been thinking about for a while so I thought I would share it with y'all. 

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Another Nightmare

I had another nightmare last night, this one was very much different than all the other ones I've had.  I dreamed that Chris was following me, I was never out of his site and every chance he got he would rape me.  One time, when I tried to fight him and get away he beat me in the face with a shovel and knocked all my teeth out.  Other people knew what was going on, but they couldn't do anything.  The cops couldn't catch him for some reason so they more or less didn't try anymore.  He would sleep in my car, and follow me to work and school.  He threatened me everyday and I was so petrified.  This dream confuses me because I was never scared of Chris or felt threatened by him.  He isn't that type of person so I'm not sure where that dream came from.  All I know is I woke up crying again and it has been bothering me every day.  I'm so sick and tired of having nightmares all the time and being scared like this. . .its sucks. 

Paranormal Activity

Well I went on a double date with my boyfriend and his bestfriend and his girlfriend to see Paranormal Activity.  It was a pretty good movie, I've never screamed so loud in a movie theatre.  My boyfriend made it worse because he kept building up the suspense by saying things like "Oh, watch this" or "This is my favorite part" so he has some gashes in his arms and legs from me holding on and getting scared.  The only thing I didn't like about the movie was it made me dizzy at some points because of how they were holding/moving the camera.  I've heard mixed stories on if the movie is real or not, but I know things like this DO happen, which makes it all the more scary.  But I did like the movie, I think its funny that my boyfriend and his bestfriend who are both over 18 and are joining the army next month were all paranoid and scared, it makes me giggle. 

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Thursday, October 22, 2009

I hate

I hate being heartbroken, crying for no reason, being lonely, when people are mad at me, getting hurt, when people die, being sick, being cold, rap, people that just don't care, rude people, rapists, child molestors, murderers, people that hurt others intentionally, being told to be quiet, being yelled at, bad days, bad hair days, bad haircuts, bad pictures, busy signals, red lights, dumb jokes, dumb movies, when my car won't start, liars, haters, posers, cheaters, icy roads, funerals, death, pain, agony, sadness, spinach, hot food, getting burned, getting soap in my eyes, getting water up my nose, being told no, headaches, i hate most of the same things that everyone else hates.

I love

I love roses, carnations, the moon, stars, an open sky, hearing the rain on the roof, watching thunderstorms on the porch, kissing in the rain and getting soaked, laying on your chest and hearing your heartbeat, feeling your warmth when I lay next to you, warm hugs, passionate kisses, making people laugh, seeing children smile, big families, music, opera, classical, rock, metal, country, pop, hip hop, dancing, singing, reading, writing, painting, drawing, playing the violin, acting, being weird, being eccentric, learning new things, living, breathing, enjoying life, loving people, being loved, touching lives, experiencing new things, meeting new people, dancing in the moon light, laughing with friends, traveling, holding hands, first dates, hellos, being happy, cookies, eggplant, my dad's baking, my mom's cooking, things that shine, the color red, broccoli, summer, days off, halloween, puppies, kittens, taking pictures, blogging, making money, shopping, spending money, shoes, purses, jewlry, playing games, I love life, being me, and being happy. And of course, I love you Timothy Evan Manchester Jr. ♥♥♥ Don't ever forget that.

My Ideal Future

If everything went my way, I would be the happiest if this was my future:
I get accepted into Long Island C.W Post, I engaged to the man of my dreams while attending school and then get married over the summer one year. I pass all of classes and succeed very well and move in with the man that I love more than anything. We have a beautiful wedding where both of our friends and families attend and are so happy for us. They both support us both because they know how happy we are. I have my first child shortly after graduating from college and then get a job teaching at a near by school. My husband and I have as many children as we can easily support and they all go to college and do very well. My husband and I are comfortably wealthy and have a large home in a nice neighborhood which is good for raising kids. We grow old together and live long enough to see our grandchildren get married. That is my ideal life.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


Sing me a lullaby to make the nightmares go away.
Sing me a lullaby when you hold me in your arms.
Kiss me goodnight, and sing me a lullaby as a drift away.
Sing me a lullaby to stop the tears.
Sing me a lullaby when I feel alone.
Take me away from this horrid place, and sing me a lullaby.
And when the nightmares come and make you cry and feel afraid, I will hold you kiss you, and sing you a lullaby until you drift away.

Sunday, October 18, 2009


Well I am dating this guy named Tim and he is. . .amazing. He is so sweet and handsome, I love spending time with him. I didn't really have any intentions of starting another relationship before college, but after meeting him and spending time with him I couldn't resist. He took my breath away and swept me off my feet. Everytime we talk he makes me feel so special, beautiful, and amazing. When he kisses me I feel like the only girl on the planet. When he holds me in his arms I almost forget to breath. I love all of his plans for his future, its nice to hear them. I'm the type of person that has been planning for my future since I knew how to, and I've never really met a guy that even had the beginnings of plans and the things he feels are most important in life and some of the same things I believe are most important. We have quite a bit in common, but we have a lot of differences to keep it interesting. We share a lot of the same desires and we just have great chemistry. I am very sad that he is leaving for the army in a month, but he will come back a month after that and I can write to him in the meantime. I'm really interested to see where this relationship will go, until then, I am REALLY REALLY HAPPY. So Timmy, this is for you baby. ♥

Friday, October 16, 2009


Well I've been home sick for over a week. I started out being sick with bronchitis with flu like symptoms and it just got worse. Then I went to the hospital and found out I have pneumonia and my right lung is partially collapsed. I've been on 2 different types of antibiotics and 2 different inhalers and then i got a nebulizer machine. I'm finally starting to feel better and stop coughing but I could relapse very easily and my immune system is very weak so I could just as easily catch something else and end up right where I was if not worse. As of right now however I am bored out of my mind. I haven't seen or really spoken to my friends in days and I'm rotting away at home. I've done some of my homework, but I can't really do my math because I don't know whats going on and I just got my government book yesterday so I could start doing that. So if you read this, you should deff send me a text or give me a call or something because I am desperate for human contact. Thank you to Tim :D who has kept me company through my illness by calling me and talking to me online ;) but I do miss my girlies and everyone else also. I'm going to work tomorrow and sunday and I hope to go to school on monday but my mother is thinking about keeping me home another week and getting a tutor to make sure I won't relapse or anything. . .I really want to go back to school. D:

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

A Painting of You

You asked me to paint a picture of you, and I smiled and said that I would.  I love to paint, and I would love to paint you.  You sat down and and stayed very still, looking at me and smiled.  I sat behind an isle with paint, and brush in hand.  I worked for hours and went through so much paint.  I wanted to make sure that I captured everything.  I looked at you, stared at you to the point that I saw through you and painted everything that I saw.  They days passed and you still waited patiently, always smiling.  When I was finally done and I went to show you my work, you frowned and said that the picture wasn't of you at all, or of a person.  I smiled.  The picture was of you, however not what you were expecting.  I painted what I saw, and I don't see your face or your body.  I don't see your smiles, or your frowns.  I don't see your movements, your flaws, your talents, your imperfections.  I see you.  I see your soul.  I see your personality, your love, your passion, your sense of humor.  I see your breath.  I see your tears.  I see the weight on your shoulders, and the pride in your chest.  That is what I painted.  When I told you this, I saw the love in your eyes, and I felt you kiss my cheek. 

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Dear Knight in Shining Armor

Dear Knight in Shining Armor, I politely ask you to remove your armor.  Let me see past the hard exterior, and let me feel the soft warmth that you posess.  Let me reach into you and open your heart.  Let me take on your pain and your worries, and show you love, warmth, kindness, softness, happiness, and more protection than any amount of armor can ever provide.  I want to be the last thing you have to fight for, and the last battle you win.  I want to be your pride, and your future.  Let your guard down oh sweet knight, let it fall away like the rain, and let me fill you like heat.  I will cure you with love and tenderness.  What is it you will do for me you ask?  You will be my strenghth, and my safety.  You will return my love and passion.  We will share the most beautiful thing known to man.  I am your compassion, and you are my strength, and together we are everything. 

Friday, October 9, 2009

Thoughts. . .

What if everything you ever wanted just came up and knocked on your door?  How would you react?  What would you do faced with all of your desires?  Would you look them in the eye or would you look down in embarrassment?  Would you turn away or embrace them?  What if everything you ever wanted ended up not being what you truely want, or if what you really want isn't what you expected?  How do you deal with that?  How do you know?  If that is the case, how do you know if everything you truely want isn't right in front of you already or if you've already sent it on its way?  I guess you have to know exactly what you want in order to start anything like this.  You have to know inside and out and be totally sure with out any doubts in your mind.  That way, when it does come right up to you, you will know what to do because if you do second guess yourself, chances are it isn't truely what you want.  I guess it comes down to trusting yourself and your instincts. 

Thursday, October 8, 2009

creative writing 1

Its nights like this that I think of you,
when I remember your voice, your smell.
Its nights like this I wish you were here,
holding me close and whispering in my ear.
Its nights like this, where there is no sound but the wind,
and no light but the stars.
Its nights like this when I remember you the most,
when I think back to that special time.
Its nights like this when I close my eyes,
I take a deep breath, and escape. 

This came to me the other night when I was walking out to my car. . .just had the time to write it down now.  Hope you like it.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009


So I'm getting a tattoo in a few months and I'm really excited about it.  I'm not getting a tattoo just to have one though, I want one with a meaning.  I want to get one for my cousin but I don't want an angel or a cross or anything like that, I want something with a deeper meaning.  I was thinking about getting a dragon because she collected dragon statues and puzzles and what not but all the dragon tattoos look to serpent like and I don't like that.  Then I thought about getting a butterfly because of what they symbolize, and there are certain flowers that have deeper meanings that I like, but nothing has really stuck out at me yet that I have to have.  Suggestions?

Adoption Party

Well this is a big thank you for everyone that attended my party on saturday celebrating my adoption.  The party was planned very last minute and I couldn't remember who I had invited and who I hadn't so if I didn't invite you or remind you or whatever, I am very sorry.  I was just so all over the place with everything.  The party went very well though.  It was at my aunt Pat's barn that they just made and doesn't have animals in it yet.  My boyfriend's step mom Karen was the DJ and she was amazing so if you need a DJ let me know :D.  Less people showed up than what we were expecting but it was fun.  We played stump and danced and then my parents got very drunk. . .it was bad.  I have very interesting videos and pictures from that night and it will be unforgettable.  Then my dad gave me my new social security card with my new name on it and we danced together.  I had to hold back tears when he told me he loved me because all I ever wanted was to REALLY have a dad and now I do.  I'm still having a hard time calling him dad, I forget most of the time, but I'm working on it. 


Well there is a new girl at school and her name is joselyn. . .I think thats how she spells it anyways.  I'm not sure what grade she is in but she isn't a senior.  I don't like it.  I have never had to go to school and be in classes with another person named Jocelyn.  I like being unique and never having the problem that people named ashley or sarah or chris have. . .I don't like it at all.  I don't this she is worthy to share my name.  I feel sincerely bitter about this.  Perhaps its selfish and irrational but other people get to act that way so I can too! 

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Halloween. . .

Okay so halloween is my FAVORITE holiday of all time and this year, because I am a senior i think I'm going to dress up and either go trick or treating or hand out candy.  Honestly halloween in our town sucks because trick or treating only lasts an hour now and its usually when its still light out so. . .LAME!!!  So perhaps if I do go trick or treating I will go somewhere else to do it.  My dilema is that I have no idea what I want to be this year.  I've done it all.  Last year I was a dominatrix, before that I've been a prostitute, a man, witch, vampire, mirmaid, hobo, clown, bunny, angel, pharoah and a lot more things that I can't seem to remember at the moment, but the point is I've done it all so I'm out of ideas.  I need something good and original cuz well. . .its me. . .so let me hear your ideas and I'll keep brain storming.  Thanks ♥♥

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

My Teachers

Well this is a critique/review of my current teachers in order of period.

Mr. Carey- he is my first period geology teacher.  I love Mr. Carey SOOO much.  I hate earth science, its not an interest of mine at all really, but he makes it so interesting and I just learn so well from him.  I love his personality and I just love him.  Thats why I made a Mr. Carey Fan club on Facebook (check it out).  I think he gets angry kind of easily about some things, but no one is perfect.  I just don't understand why that man never got married, he is awesome! I understand why he never had kids because I don't think he could deal with a crying toddler, but overall he is just awesome and an amazing teacher.  I could learn anything from him and be interested.

Ms.  Yaddaw- she is my english teacher that is filling in for my real english teacher because she had a baby.  Ms. Yaddaw is amazing too, she is a really good teacher, its like she was born to do this.  I learn very well from her too.  I think her assignment about her philosophy on teaching caused me to have a lot of respect for her and I've been talking to her a lot recently about my dilema mentioned below.  She has a very modern way of thinking about literature and its nice.  I like her approach and her interesting sense of humor. 

Mrs. Countryman- she is my precalc teacher.  Its kind of difficult for me to jump from my first year of math b to pre calc but i'm dealing.  I don't totally like being in a class full of juniors, but you know. . .its better than freshmen.  I do like Mrs. Countryman however, but I think I learn better when I ask her for help than when she is teaching to the entire class and that may be my fault due to my attitude, but she is very upbeat for a little woman lol.

Mr. Waterson- I've had Mr. Waterson 3 years in a row for outdoor activities and he is amazing.  People don't always realize this but he does care a lot about his students and enjoys what he does.  He makes my day when I have him because he is so funny and laid back. 

Mr. Milman- I have had mr. Milman for 7 years now and I love him more and more with every year.  I love how he teaches and his personality.  He is so clumsy it just adds to the humor.  I love how laid back his class is and how its just a stress relief more so than stressful. 

MRS. Yonteff - I haven't had her as a teacher before but she was the music director for one of our drama club performances.  The class is much more than just standing up and singing and she makes it very professional and has gained the respect of her students which is hard for newer teachers.

Mr. Satola- well i'm not sure if i'm spelling that right or not, but I do like this particular teacher because he makes me laugh and thats pretty much it.  I'm not a big fan of history or anything that goes along with it, but he makes me laugh and he makes the class fun at times.  He can't help that he teachs a boring subject.  He does get kind of angry easily so i'll do my best to stay on his good side. . .

Ms. Greg- she is a student teacher for Ms. Evans and she teaches Marketing.  The class itself is a drag and I feel like I'm in elementary school but she doesn't really get to decide on what to do so she really can't be blamed for it.  She is really cute and tiny and funny and I like talking to her.  I think she is going to be an awesome teacher in the future and she is bringing us icecream tomorrow to bribe us so that we're good when her supervisor comes so thats pretty cool too because i'd probably do the same thing.

Mr. Schoff- Okay, well I think this year, he is my favorite teacher.  Mainly because he isn't my teacher, he's my study hall teacher.  He is new this year to our district and let me just say that I love him to death!!! He is so nice and laid back and its really refreshing to have him the last period of the day.  He unwillingly lets me express myself by drawing all over his chalk board and talk loudly.  The poor guy. . .he's got to be broken in somehow and I'm the perfect one to do it!! But he's really cool and puts up with me and I really enjoy talking to him.  Seriously, 11th period is my favorite period of the day!!! ☺Mr. Schoff☺ aka Mr. Schoof :D

well thats it for now, as the school year continues I will probably update this, but until then I am overall happy with all my teachers this year and glad to have them.  ♥♥

My Major

Well in the past few weeks I've been thinking constantly and stressing myself out terribly about my major for college.  I've known since I was in the 7th grade that I wanted to be a psychologist.  I want to help people, thats all I want to do and all I've ever wanted to do.  I want to impact someones life, and teach someone something of importance.  I want to be there for people like me, because I think I have a lot to offer and a lot to teach about life and challenges we are faced with.  Recently however, I've been thinking that being a psychologist isn't the way to go to do all of this because I mainly want to help people my age right now and adolescence don't like the thought of going to a shrink.  They think that you have to be nuts if you go to see a psychologist and they aren't as likely to open up to someone that they don't really know.  So instead of being a psychologist I've been thinking about being a teacher because I could form a better relationship with my students so that they feel comfortable coming to me with their problems and I can still go about helping, teaching, and impacting their lives in the way that I want.  I feel very close to a lot of my teachers and I know that I can go to a lot of them with any problems that I have and I am very comfortable with that, and I know my friends feel the same way.  In the beginning of the school year, my current english teacher that is filling in for my real english teacher gave us an assignment about her philosophy on teaching and it had an impact on me and I really liked it, and so far this year she has taught and had such an attitude that makes me want to be a teacher like her.  This truely stresses me out however because I hate not being sure about what I want to do, I'm a very driven individual and I just feel awful not knowing what I really want to do.  I DO NOT want to get to college without having a clear idea of what I want to major in and I'm scared to death of changing my major, I'm not sure why its such a big deal to me, but I really just don't want to do it.  I want to go in knowing exactly what I want and what I want to do and succeed in it and love it.  I don't want to change my mind 5 times and not know what I want to do.  So this is the dilema I'm faced with right now and I've been talking to a lot of my teachers about it, so we'll see. . .I'll keep you updated. 

Monday, September 28, 2009

I Shall Hence Forth Be Known As. . .

Jocelyn Marisa Oeser :D, well I finally got adopted.  The process that has taken so much time and stress is finally over.  I am officially an Oeser and now I get to party :D The only bad part now is changing my name EVERYWHERE and getting used to it. When the judge said that it was over I almost cried, but then he gave me cookies so I didn't.  The cookies were very good by the way, I think that usually younger kids get adopted so he always gives them cookies, but he gave me some too, it made me laugh.  My signature looks horrible and I'm not used to calling Gary dad yet, but oh well, I will get used to it sooner or later.  What will happen is I will finally get used to it and then I will get married.  Oh well, thats just my luck.  :D

Thursday, September 24, 2009

My Nightmare

So, those of you who know me know that I have nightmares like several times a week.  Well the other night I had another one of those nightmare.  I dreamed that my friend Laura moved into my cousins house (the one that passed away) and I went over to visit her.  We were up in what used to be my cousins room, a room that she and I have a lot of memories in and all the furniture was pretty much the same and it all just looked like. . .her room.  Then Laura asked me if I was okay being in that room, or if it bothered me, and as soon as she asked that question I couldn't speak and there was a very sharp pain in my neck and chest.  Thats all I remember.  Its just so frustrating having these nightmares all the time because memories just being brought back and pain keeps coming to the surface.  Thats all I really have to say, I just thought I would share that with you.  

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

My Plants :D

Aren't they beautiful!!!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


Well this years fall show is called "Rumors" and let me just say it is HILIARIOUS!!!! We had a read through yesterday and it was just amazing. Its nice to have a small cast for this one. All the characters are paired off and we each of such diverse and strong characters. The play is about this guy Charlie who is throwing an anniversary party with his wife. Charlie and his wife Myra are both very wealthy and well known people in the community. Their guests at the party are also very wealthy and are all very stereotypical rich people. Well when the first couple arrives at the party Myra and the help are missing and Charlie is hopped up on Valium and find him bleeding because he was shot in the ear. They suspect that he tried to kill himself so they try to keep in on the DL so they don't ruin his reputation with an attempted suicide. So as more guests arrive they tell lies to protect Charlie, but everyone suspects something is going on so rumors begin to get spread, hence the title. Welle eventually all the guests find out that Myra is missing and the help are gone. They also find out that Charlie may have tried to kill himself. Its a really funny play and all of you that are able to come see it, I believe its like the 2nd or 3rd week in November, but I'll update you when I know more. But it is soo funny and we have a great cast. So thumbs up to Ms. Ells for selecting an awesome show!!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Friends :D

I dedicate this blog to my friends. I love you guys, every one of you so much and you have all been there for me when I have needed you the most. You were there when Jessie died, and when I've gotten my heart broken. You were there when I just wanted to vent and rant. You were there through all of my rediculous stories and adventures. Most of all, you've put up with me :D. So this is to you guys.
I love my friends very much. Friends are what make life worth living. They make the bad times good and the good times better. I've made some poor choices in friendship in the past, but I am very happy with the friends I have now. I love the times we have spent together, the memories, the laughs, the tears, everything. I love the stories, the silly break ups, our mistakes, and everything we have shared these last few years. So to Cassie, Gabby, Laura, Ashley, Laura, Matt, Chris, Russ, Garrett, Kelly, Brianna, Joanna, Kris, Jon, John, Nick, Marco, Sarah, Creighton, Melissa, Breezy, Donjeta, Mary, Lexi, Jessica, CC, Ciera, Chelsea, Tina, Courtney, Justin (tiny), Albanna, Adam, David, Mark, Rocky, CJ, Josh, Aaron, Andrew, Ari, Brandon, Cyndi, James, Joe, Alex, Larry, Lance and everyone else that I can't seem to think up right now cuz I'm sick and not totally there, this is to you. I love you guys. ♥♥♥


So I have a lot of very strange dreams and those of you who I talk to frequently or have sat at my lunch table know exactly what I am talking about. Frequently I have had a lot of nightmares, at least 1 or 2 a week. They are usually all about Chris dying in a car accident. There has only been one occasion where he has died in any other way and in that one he died because he had a seizure. My most memorable nightmare was that I was driving in a different vehical than him and we collided head on. I saw his face just before I hit him and he died on impact. In my dream I went insane because of this. . .I woke up and began crying and I almost couldn't collect myself enought to go to school. I know that I have these dreams because I lost my cousin. They may also be because when I was 10 I watched my grandfather die and when I was like 13 or 14 I watched a man die on the side of the road from a heroin over dose. I know its mainly because of my cousin because that effected me the most.

I've had dreams about my cousin too. After the accident I had frequent dreams about the accident. I saw her face and I saw her close her eyes. I saw things that I don't really want to go into detail about, but that was what I dreamed. Then after a few months went by I started just dreaming about her. Like we would talk and hang out like we would before she passed away. We would play games and giggle. . .Part of me wonders if it was really her. Like she was coming to me in my dreams to make me feel better. I would always cry when I woke up because I would miss her, but I liked the dreams that I had. I wonder if that was her way of communicating with me. I believe that spirits and ghosts are there with us. I don't know if they are always there, or if its just a part of their soul that stays behind or what, but I do believe that they are there. They are just on a different level than us and thats why we can't see them or communicate with them (most of us anyways. Mediums are on a different level too) but I think they find ways of communicating with us, like my dreams for example. I wonder if that was her. I have had dreams in the past that have come true, I've dreamed of people before meeting them and dreamed of things happening before they do. So if I can do that, why can't the dead come to me in my dreams. I believe that dreams are more than just our subconscious. Maybe when we dream we travel to a different world or a different dimension. Dreaming to me is very intersting. We close our eyes and drift away to a place where anything can be real. . .it fascinates me. These are just a few more of my thoughts. . .


First I would like to say that posting on my blog has changed. . .and I'm not sure why. I'm not sure if it will look different to you but it looks different to me. The font and all that is changed and even my setup is different. . .anyways, sorry for my bout of ADD there. This blog is about choices. As I am getting older I am forced to make a lot of my own choices like not only what to wear today, but what do I want to do with the rest of my life? Who do I want to be friends with? Where do I want to go to college? Where do I want to live? Who do I want to be with? Who am I? I am faced every day with more and more choices that I have to make and a lot of them will effect the rest of my life. I'm doing the best I can to foresee the future out comes of all my decisions, but its not easy. (Especially because my frontal lobe isn't developed) I understand that with each decision comes a consequence, and those consequences can be both good and/or bad. I have made decisions which have had both types of consequences and some of the decisions I have made I am not proud of, but I don't really regret any of them because they have lead me to where I am now and I'm happy with that. Some decisions I am being faced with now are difficult for me to deal with. What if every choice I am given, no matter what I choose, hurts someone in someway. What if, even though I'm okay and I'm happy, someone else isn't. Or what if I make everyone else happy, but I'm not. What do I do there? The last thing I want to do is upset someone or hurt someone. I know what pain feels like, I've been hurt a lot in my life time and if I can save someone from feeling any sort of pain I will. I'm sorry for being so vague, I just can't really go into detail at the present time. What I'm saying though, is that no matter what, at some point we all have to make decisions that are going to hurt someone, whether it be you or someone around you. For example, when I made my decision to have Gary adopt me, my fathers parents (my grandparents) we're upset by this decision. I still feel that I made the right decision, but I did have to deal with the consequences and they weren't so nice. There was no way of avoiding that. I try to think before every decision I make, but some times, when things get to be too much, I choose to play it safe. I make decisions that just make everything easier even if they're not the best. Is that wrong? How do you know if you've made a wrong decision if someone, somewhere benefits? Have you made a wrong decision if no one benefits? Is it a right decision if everyone around you is happy when you aren't? This goes back to what is right and what is wrong. What if I feel like I am doing some thing right, and so do other people, but the people surrounding me that are most involved in my life believe its wrong. . .is it really wrong? I honestly hate it when I don't have the support from my friends and family. I've had to deal with that with my choices in religion and my beliefs, my support of gay marriage and their rights, my self expression, and the guys that I have dated. I feel very strongly about certain things such as my religion and I know that a lot of people disagree with me, but I do feel that it is the right decision. How do I know if it really is? Is believing in myself enough? I will leave it at that and let you ponder a bit. This is just something that was running through my mind today while walking through the halls of high school. This is my last year there so I have a lot of decisions facing me right now.