I am not. . .

No, i'm sorry. . .i'm not a chew toy.  You can't bite me to pieces and then spit me on the floor.  I'm not a rag doll, you can't play with me for a few minutes and then put me away in a box.  I'm not a sex toy that is just here for your entertainment.  I'm a person.  I'm made up of skin, blood, organs, a heart. . .a mind.  I cry when i'm hurt, and when I'm sad.  I laugh and smile when I'm happy.  It hurts when i'm treated like a chew toy, a rag doll, a sex toy.  Thats not what I am.  Ya i'm here to help you, i'll be there for you if you ever need me. . .but i'm a person that deserves respect and decency.  I deserve to be cared for, like a porcelain doll that will break if dropped. I deserve to be loved and respected like any other person in the world.  No, i'm not perfect, I make mistakes. . .and sure, sometimes I deserve to be put in my place. . .but once in a while. . . it would be nice to not be treated like shit.  It would be nice to know that people care about me. . .*sigh* okay, i'm done ranting.

What did I do to deserve this?

What did I do to deserve this?  I go through life trying to help people on a daily basis.  I'm always nice, polite, and respectful to the people I meet and especially the guys I date. . .why am I the one that always gets used, hurt, and treated poorly?  I don't do anything to them. . .how is that fair?  Why do people feel like they can walk all over me and anything I have to offer is theirs for the taking?  Its not just a one time occasion either. . .its every freaking time. . .and its not fair.  I don't deserve that.  I deserve better than that.  I at least deserve a little respect. . .some kindness. . .decency.  Don't I?  Or is my kindness towards others all for nothing?  Haven't I dealt with enough?  Can't it just stop for a little while?  Please? 

Venting/Ranting

Sometimes I wonder why I don't just give up.  Perhaps I already have.  My apathy is overwhelming. . .its getting to the point where almost NOTHING matters to me anymore.  The stuff thats left. . .its slipping through my fingers.  I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a sky scraper. . .immobile as the whole thing crashes above my head and drags me down.  When will it stop?  When will these challenges stop being thrown at me?  Why can't I just have it easy for a little while?  Haven't I lost enough?  Haven't I suffered enough?  Sometimes I feel so fragile. . .I think the wind will just tear me apart and blow me away.  There would be nothing left.  Maybe there already isn't anything left.  Am I just a hollow shell going through the motions?  Is there anything left inside of me?  Maybe I'm dried up. . .maybe I cried my heart and soul away and now there is nothing left of me.  If this is karma, what did I do?  All my life all I have wanted to do is help people. . .maybe I have no worth.  Maybe I'm nothing.  Maybe I was an accident of creation and my existence is meaningless.  I don't mean to be so emo. . .I'm really not.  I'm normally a very upbeat, optimistic person for those who know me.  Its just getting to be too much.  I've lost soo many people to death.  I've lost soo many people just from losing them.  I think I may have lost myself in the mix.  Maybe this is death. . .it just takes a while for the body to follow the soul.  Can you cry yourself to death?  Can emotional pain kill you?  Can nightmares kill you?  I don't mean to be so morbid and so depressing. . .I don't really cry anymore. . .I hurt but I brush it off and hold it in.  Thats what I mean by apathy.  Instead of crying. . .I just don't care, but I don't feel better so I'm not really happy. . .too much on my mind.  To much falling apart and going to hell around me.  I need to excape.  I need to move. . .to breath, but I can't.  I'm trapped in this mortal hell.  Trapped in this world, this town, this house, this body. . .trapped in my own freaking mind.  Things. . .thoughts. . .words longing to escape but can't find the exit.  There is nothing lighting the way out.  So I sit here pondering my pain, unable to fix it. . .apologizing for my negativity as I vent in my blog.  Maybe I should just forfeit and wave my white flag.  Surrender myself to this fate instead of attempt to fight it.  Maybe slipping into the quick sand isn't so bad.  Maybe its painless.  Fighting it is exausting. . .whats the point?  I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. . .I don't so an end to this war let alone this battle.  I see nothing ahead.  Just painful pictures of my past that won't disappear.  Thats all I see. 

Screaming session I

When did you become such a tool?  You're so immature.  Sometimes I wish I could just kick you in the head because of how stupid you make yourself look and sound by the way you act and the things you say.  Don't you see how everyone around you can't stand what you've become?  Who you've become?  Is this my fault?  You live in this world that is so far beyond reality you can't even look at yourself in the mirror to see who you are.  Grow up!  Act your freaking age!  You're older than me but you act like your five.  Everything you do.  You're lazy, you constantly point fingers, you think you're living in the real world. . .WAKE UP! I didn't do anything to you and you know that, everything you feel. . .you did to yourself.  I try to forgive and forget, I try to move on. . .but every time I freaking talk to you you bring it all up again, and I remember just how much I hate your immaturity.  It took me this long to see your true colors, and you know what. . .those colors look like shit.  Go ahead and "hate it" just like you did everything else. . .ya. . .real mature.  I know you think your so cool.  Wearing girls clothes and an anime girlfriend.  It must be cool not to have friends, no job. . .no future.  Real cool.