Monday, March 21, 2011

College: FMCC Edition Part VI

Mood: Dangerously Depressed
Weather: Snowy. . .fml
Well I got the worst news I could possibly get the osther day. . .I wasn't accepted into the nursing program at FMCC.  I had really been planning on being accepted, everyone around me was like "how couldn't you get accepted."  Well. . .I wasn't.  I don't know why I wasn't, they didn't say on the rejection letter.  I have good grades, but I think it was because they can only admit a certain number of students and its more than likely first come first serve.  But I don't know that for sure.  So my world came crashing down because of a piece of paper.  All of my plans and goals were based off of my acceptance, that was step one. . .everything went out the window.  I could no longer see more than 2 inches in front of me, I had no idea what I was going to do.  I broke down.  People kept telling me "its not the end of the world, its going to be okay."  No one really understands. . .that was the end of my world.  My future, my plans, my everything disappeared in a split second and I was supposed to be okay.  It was the end of the world, that world is gone.  Almost all the schools in the area only accept people into the program in the fall, so no matter where I went I would be waiting another year just to see if I'm accepted or not. . .I don't want to waste that much time only to be rejected again.  Not to mention its almost impossible for me to go to another school.  I commute to FMCC because my mom works like up the road so she just brings me to and from school everyday, I don't have a vehicle right now to drive myself somewhere.  Not to mention, I can't handle living on a college campus again.  I hate living with thousands of kids my age in a small building where you can't get away.  Not happening again.  Not to mention I've already transferred once, I'd rather not do it again, not after only one semester anyways.  So pretty much my only option is to find something else to do, and start building up my future again from scratch.  So yes, it was the end of the world, I have to start a new one to be destroyed.  I'm so depressed and miserable about this.  I already feel so shitty about going to FMCC.  I mean, I am happier there, I like the people better, and I'm doing well. . .but I can't shake the feeling that I'm going to a community college. . .I never wanted to be in a community college, I wanted to go to an Ivy league school, a private school, or at the very least a state school. . .but I'm at a community college with a 28% graduation rate and a day care, where most students didn't even graduate high school but got their GED.  It just kinda makes me feel bad about myself.  I don't think poorly about the people that go there, I had just always seen better for myself.  Its not a bad thing to go there. . .it just was for me.  Now I feel even worse because I'm at said community college and I can't even get into a program there. . .I just feel so shitty.  I still don't know what I'm going to do.  I'm a mess.  I feel like I'm drowning and I can't get my head above water.  I'm struggling, and trying to stay afloat, and I'm screaming but no one will come to help me.  What do you do?  If I keep fighting eventually I'm going to become too exausted and the water is just going to take me under. . .and if I don't fight, the water is still going to take me.  Either way I lose.  I just want to give up.  I don't see much for my future anymore, like I said. . .I can only see about 2 inches in front of myself and I don't like being in the dark.  Idk. . .