Halloween 2011

Its ironic how halloween is my favorite holiday.  So many people have come and gone this time of year its a wonder how I can even be in the mindset to celebrate.  The one year anniversary of David's death was just the other day, and the four year anniversary of Jessie's death is fast approaching on the 6th.  I said goodbye to Chris, and hello to Tim this time of year as well.  I started work at Mercato's and withdrew from Oneonta. I got pneumonia and had my lung collapse two years ago about this time. . .same time I broke up with Chris and shortly after began my relationship with Tim.  Now I've just left the nursing program. . .and my way.  I've spent so many days in bed crying this time of year.  Despite it all, Halloween is my favorite type of year.  Perhaps its because a part of me is still just that morbid, or perhaps its the one day I can acceptably not be myself and escape.  Whatever the reason, halloween is on monday and dammit I still don't know what I want to be.  I suppose it doesn't really matter seeing as I have to work all weekend prior, and go to school the night of.  But I'm sure I'll dress up as something, even if I find it in my own closet.  Happy halloween, here's to hoping that this year. . .I won't be spending any more days in bed crying. . .just celebrating :)

Funerals

So. . .I've mentioned this before, but this is a slightly different situation.  I haven't been to a funeral since November 12, 2007, not because there haven't been any that I was supposed to go to, but because I've avoided going to them.  I've had a few aunts and uncles die in the past 3 years, but I wasn't very close to them so I was able to avoid going.  I know that sounds horrible, but the last funeral I went to was for my cousin Jessie.  I'm not sure what was worse, hearing that she had died, or going to the funeral to see her family and friends. . .and her laying in a box.  As I've said probably 100 times, a big part of me died when I lost Jessie and the funeral. . .I've never been in so much pain in all of my life.  Now, people close to me can't die without it bringing back the emotions and thoughts from when Jessie died.  I feel horrible about that.  I can't deal with someones death, without having to deal with Jessie's again.  I bring this up again because, as you know, David Jones just passed away a few days ago.  I'm not sure of funeral arrangements, but he was my friend and as a friend, I should go to his funeral.  I am shaking right now just thinking about it.  I know I am going to have to go to a funeral again. . .I know I'm going to have to do it, but I am petrified.  I never want to feel the pain that I felt when I was at Jessie's funeral again.  I cried the entire time.  I cried the 6 days before and for weeks after.  I still cry sometimes when I think about it.  Jessie's death changed my life.  Going to another funeral is going to be like reliving Jessie's.  I know that sounds horrible because a persons funeral should be about them, and the people there should be paying respects and mourning that person. . .not another.  But I will be there, not only mourning them, but I will also be thinking about Jessie as well. 

The Next Morning

I hate waking up the morning after something bad has happened.  Sleep, and dreaming. . .as long as its not a nightmare, takes the pain away for a little while and almost makes you forget that anything bad happened.  Then, as soon as you open your eyes the next morning. . .it hits you like a truck.   You remember what happened and all of a sudden it hits you again, and you can't help but cry.  I'm sorry, I promise less depressing posts are coming soon.  This is just a bad time of year from me.  November 6th will be the 3 year anniversary of when Jessie died and I've already been bracing myself for that. . .RIP Jess, David, Jack, Adam

R.I.P David Jones Part II

Its hard for me to believe that he's gone.  I can't believe that he's not going to be harrassing me almost every day while trying to get me to agree to go to dinner and consider dating him after he gets back to New York.  I talked to him just a few days ago, and now he's gone.  One of the last things he said to me was "idk if i should say  this but if i was there i would kiss u right  now" I copied that right from skype.  You know what my response was?  I didn't say anything back.  I smiled, and I was flattered, but I wasn't about to let him know that.  I had told him several times that I don't date soldier boys, not after my ex fiance.  He didn't care.  He kept at it.  I did finally agree to go to dinner with him about 2 weeks ago.  He was supposed to be coming home the first week of November.  I can't believe he is actually gone and I don't have him to talk to anymore.  He always made me smile and made me feel better.  He always listened.  I miss you David Jones.  Rest In Peace. 

R.I.P David Jones

I hate doing this.  I hate having to post this, but this is my only vent and he should be honored with a blog at the very least.  David was a friend of mine.  One of the friends I would stay up late talking to online and camming with.  He was in the army and in iraq and he passed away.  He wanted to take me to dinner when he got back to the states, over and over again I told him I don't date soldier boys.  Finally I told him I would let him take me out. . .RIP David <3