Writers Block

I'm suffering from writers block.  Thats why I haven't been blogging that much lately.  I come up with decent ideas but I don't know how to word them right. . .and I don't feel very inspired at the moment.  I want to write about the weather and how beautiful it is. . .but the words don't come so all I can say is "hey look. . .its nice out."  I want to talk about how you make me feel, but you make me feel so many different emotions that if I tried to explain it. . .I would just be rambling.  I want to talk about how other people act, but I think I would offend people.  I want to tell you of the various thoughts that run through my head. . .but they move so fast that I can't catch them.  I just lack the words to descrive all of these things in an eloquent manner.  I hate writers block.  Some body send me some inspiration. 

If My Heart Was a House - Owl City ♥

You're the sky that I fell through
And I remember the view
Whenever I'm holding you
The sun hung from a string
Looking down on the world as it warms over everything
Chills run down my spine
As our fingers entwine
And your sighs harmonize with mine
Unmistakably
I can still feel your heart beat fast when you dance with me
We got older and I should've known (Do you feel alive?)
That I'd feel colder when I walk alone (Oh, but you'll survive)
So I may as well ditch my dismay
Bombs away, bombs away

Circle me and the needle moves gracefully
Back and forth
If my heart was a compass you'd be north
Risk it all cause I'll catch you if you fall
Wherever you go
If my heart was a house you'd be home

It makes me smile because you said it best
I would clearly feel blessed if the sun rose up from the west
Flower balm perfume, all my clothes smell like you
Cause your favorite shade is navy blue
I walk slowly when I'm on my own (Do you feel alive?)
Yeah, but frankly I still feel alone (Oh, but you'll survive)
So I may as well ditch my dismay
Bombs away, bombs away

Circle me and the needle moves gracefully
Back and forth
If my heart was a compass you'd be north
Risk it all cause I'll catch you if you fall
Wherever you go
If my heart was a house you'd be home

If my heart was a house you'd be home

Oh Who Knows

I hate it, I get inspired during the day about something really good that I want to write about on my blog and then when I sit down to write it I FORGET!! I had a great something I wanted to write about maturity and holding grudges and life. . .but I lost it!  All I can say is life is too short to hold grudges so give it up.  It takes too much of your own energy and only frustrates you more.  Thats just me.  I don't hold grudges.  Life is too short for me to worry that much about someone.  I tell them what I have to say and then I move on.  I think its immature to keep bringing things up and holding on to things so that the other person can't move on either.  Is that person really that important that you can't let it go?  If I really don't want anything to do with someone. . .I just let them go.  I'll always be civil just because of who I am. . .but I can't hold a grudge.  I don't remember all the metaphores and what not I was going to use for this. . .but I think that was the basic message.  Sorry it isn't pretty lol. 

Dear Teanna

This is a blog dedicated to my sister Teanna.

HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY OLD WOMAN!!!! ♥♥♥♥


The End

PowerLifting :)

I went with Kyle this weekend to his Powerlifting competition. . .it was interesting.  I loved spending time with Kyle, we talked and laughed a lot and had fun.  The competion was 9 hours long and it was just a bunch of muscular men lifting heavy stuff lol.  I enjoyed watching it, I was interested.  I'm not sure if fun is the word to describe the competion because I sat in a very uncomfortable chair for 9 hours watching men break blood vessels in their heads lol but I enjoyed myself.  I was a little upset that Kyle didn't introduce me to his friends at all. . .but whatever.  The competition was in Johnston Rhode Island and it was a 4 hour drive to get there.  It was a very pretty drive and it was filled with polka music and long conversations.  Thank you Kyle for taking me with you ♥♥♥

Surgery

Well I went to the doctor today for my headaches and sinuses.  I found out I have to have surgery.  I have a deviated septum, a sist in one of my sinuses, and my sinuses are clogged.  I have to have a septoplasty and endoscopic sinus surgery.  My surgery is schedualed June 10th.  Its going to last about 2 and a half hours and they're going to put me under.  I'm going to be out of commission for about 10 days following which means I'm going to miss my senior trip.  They have to put splints up my nose and I have to go on the 17th to have them taken out.  I'm going to be in a lot of pain and I am not looking forward to it at all.  The doctor was explaining some of the things that could go wrong during the surgery.  They're going to be operating really close to my brain and some of the parts of my eye.  He said something about fluid from my brain leaking or losing my vision :0  Wish me luck. . .its supposed to fix everything. . .I hope so. 

Just an Update

Well I think i've fought through the worst part of the storm.  I'm not feeling as depressed, which believe it or not was a result of a conversation I had with Ryan a few days before we broke up.  Cassie and I are friends again which makes me happy and takes a lot of stress off of me.  Its so much easier to love her than to avoid her.  Love you Cassie ♥♥♥  I'm done with my AP English Test and I think I did really well.  Things are starting to settle down again and I'm doing okay.  I haven't had a nightmare in 4 days :) which is a record for me.  I'm still stressing about paying for college especially because I am, somehow, getting $1,000 less than I was originally getting (wtf?!?!) but I'm accepted and I'm going to make it work somehow.  I'm going to sell my car because I can't use it for a few years and I'll use that money to help pay for college.  Its a 95 tan Honda accord. . .wagon :P with like 64,000 miles on it.  Its a good car :) I think we're selling it for like $3500.  The weather is beautiful and for the most part things are good.  I think i've made it out of this slump :)  Sometimes I get scared though when a lot of bad shit happens to me.  For some reason I feel like a target and I just keep getting hit with more stuff that I have to deal with like not having my real father, my cousin dying, Jack dying, Adam dying, multiple family members dying, my grandma being ill, my domestic family issues, school, issues with friends, relationship drama. . .everything.  I get scared because I wonder if I'm going to grow immune to it.  If this keeps happening am I just not going to hurt anymore?? Is it a good thing not to hurt?  I'm not sure if I would rather be immune to pain or feel it. . .and if I'm immune to pain, will I eventually grow immune to happiness as well??  I'm a pretty happy, upbeat person for the most part, but I've dealt with a lot and faced a lot of challenges.  I always try to be optimistic and see the good in every situation but after a while that gets hard and thats when I get myself into some of these slumps.  I just hope I can go a few months w/o anything really bad happening or a bunch of little things all happening at once.  :) I would much rather be happy.

I want to tell you. . .

Have you ever had so much that you wanted to say, but had too much pride or were too embarrassed to say it?  There is soo much I want to say.  I'm screaming it in my mind. . .but if you look at me, all you will see is a placid smile.  There is so much I want to tell people. . .but I don't. . .I can't?  I'm afraid of your response.  I'm afraid of how you will judge me.  I'm afraid of what you will think and not say.  So the words are lost. . .and never spoken.  They disappear into emptiness because the words never existed. . .the thoughts might remain but even those will disappear.  Nothingness.

Graduation Party

So my Grad party is July 17th :) I am deff excited.  I'm not really doing any of the planning, my mom is kinda in control and I'm just showing up.  Legend has it that there will be a DJ there, lots a food, a cash bar, STUMP, and mee :) I made a list of my friends and my mom made a list of family.  I'm pretty sure I got everybody but if you would like to make sure you are on that list please hit me up.  I'm pretty good at remembering people and what not but sometimes my mind fails me sooo I can use all the help I can get.  Its going to be Saturday July 17th from 1pm-6pm :) be there or be square.

Flattered

I'm flattered :) I started my blog after seeing the movie Julie and Julia, it was a movie about Julia Childs and how this woman Julie wrote a blog about how she cooked all of the recipies in Julia Childs cook book.  Since then I've posted in my blog several times a week.  It will be one year this August and I'm psyched!  I honestly wasn't sure I was going to keep going even this long because I have a short attention span, but I have grown to be so passionate about my blog and it actually means a lot to me.  Well this guy I know. . .(I might as well say his name) Jason, started a blog because he thought it was a cool idea after seeing mine.  His first blog he wrote a bit about me and I was sincerely flattered.  I hope he doesn't mind but I am going to put a link to his blog at the bottom of this one so you can all read it.  Hope you don't mind Jason :)  It made me feel really good that I could do that and inspire him to start a blog.  I hope he becomes as passionate about his blog as I am about mine.  Best of luck Jason.

http://jaydawg13032.blogspot.com/

Squished

I love it
I love all the colors and lights
the music and the voices.
I love the energy.
The way I feel.
It makes me so happy.
The minutes pass by so slowly as I sit in my euphoria.
The world is different.
Its beautiful.
It changed.
I look around, do you see what I see?
I'm floating
I defy gravity.
Girl. . .I'm squished.

Two Weeks

Well. . .i'm single again lol.  Ryan and I lasted all of 2 weeks lol and then he broke up with me.  He expects relationships to be like the movies where its love at first sight and everything is perfect. . .oh well.  It wasn't a bad break up, we weren't even fighting, he just came over and told me he didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore.  He still wants to be friends and I have mixed feelings about that, but we'll see.  I'm not really upset because I wasn't head over heels or anything near it. . .we were seeing each other for 3 weeks.  So you win some, you lose some.  When one door closes another one opens.  I'm sad because I was happy being with him, and I like being his girlfriend, but he didn't like it.  He says he likes me, he loves spending time with me, kissing me, talking to me and all of that. . .he just doesn't want to be in a relationship.  Idk. . .it sort of makes sense and it sort of doesn't.  Its all good though.  I can still do better and its not like there aren't already people out there that DO want to be with me.  :)

College IIII

Well I sent in my deposit to SUNY Oneonta the other day and I got a letter back today saying how proud they are of their campus, alumni, and students.  I don't know why but when I got the letter, I felt really good.  I'm really starting to feel like I made the right decision and I don't regret not going to Long Island at all.  And I got a window decal!! lol but the suckie part is, I'm selling my car so I can't put it in MY window lol.  But I'm really excited about going there in the fall and I've decided to switch my major to Psychology.  So I am now officially part of SUNY Oneonta's class of 2014!!! wooo :)