Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Letter to Cassie

Dear Cassie,
I'm writing this directly to you and also allowing whoever else to read it because there are a few things in this letter that other people need to see as well.  I am honestly sorry if I upset you by not venting all of my problems to you and letting you be the shoulder I cried on, but I have my own reasons for not doing so that have nothing to do with you.  I don't like telling other people my problems.  I handle them myself unless I can't.  If I need help, I have no problem asking for it, but I don't like to weigh other people down with my problems.  I like keeping the mood light.  I am more of a listener, I will always be there for someone else no matter what the problem is and who the person is.  Its just me.  I like to help people and I feel I am do people a favor by not whining, complaining, and venting to them.  I vent on my blog.  With writing.  Sometimes I'm not direct about what I'm venting about, but its personal to me and it makes me feel better. . .everyone is different.  I totally agree we have grown apart this year.  We really haven't been friends much at all this year.  Thats okay, it happens.  I can't tell you how many friends I've grown apart from just in the 4 years of high school, its life. . .it happens.  If it happens with us, well it pretty much already has, its okay.  Am I sorry it happened?? Yes of course.  Cassie I love you to death even when we are fighting, even when you're being a total bitch. . .unconditional love babe.  I don't think there is much you could do for me not to love you to death.  We have been very close friends, and you've been one of my bestfriends for years now.  I have told you everything and that never stopped. . .we just stopped having opportunities for me to tell you everything.  I've always been there for you, and even if we aren't friends and you need someone I will still be there for you in the future. . .just the way I am.  You have always been there for me too when I needed you and I am very greatful.  Sorry I made you uncomfy around me because I wasn't being open with you or whatever. . .yes our friendship changed and we grew apart.  I'm sorry.  And I'm sorry if I upset you.  Regardless, you hurt me very deeply.  You said things that you know nothing about and couldn't know anything about without me telling you and explaining. . .even then you might not unless you experience them.  You implied things that hurt my feelings and if you believe they are true then I don't honestly believe you were ever my friend because if you were you would know better.  You should know me better than just about anyone else even if I haven't been completely open with you for the last few months.  I honestly think part of it was that you've been upset with me for a while now and were looking for an opportunity to express that and hurt my feelings.  Its a human thing to want to hurt someone that upset you and I think you used that as your opportunity.  I'm sorry if you feel that my hurt feelings were blown out of proportion. . .didn't realize that feeling that way as a response was wrong. . .but whatever.  You know what I think, You know how I feel.  I wish you the best of luck.  Sorry it all happened this way but I'm graduating soon so you won't have to worry about it.  I know you already "Don't care"  just like you don't care about just about everything, but I care.  So I said what I had to say. 


If Nothing Else. . .Always Be True To Yourself

If you looked at yourself right now, what would you see?  Look passed the make up, the hairspray, the fake smiles or frowns.  Look past your skin, your lips, your clothes.  Look deep into your own eyes.  What do you see?  Look into your eyes all the way into your heart, your mind. . .your soul.  Look into who you are. . .what you are.  What do you see?  Is the person on the inside, the same as the outside?  Is that a good thing?  Or are you pretending to be someone your not?  and is that a good thing?  Are you happy with what you see?  Happy with how you act?  Happy with your friends, your family?  How you treat your friends in family?  What you do in your spare time??  Are you happy on the inside as well as the outside?  Go ahead, take a look in the mirror.  Or are you afraid?  Do you already know that you won't be happy with what you see?  Or are you scared of what you might see?  Sometimes I have to do this. . .just take a step back and look at myself.  Listen to my own thoughts.  Reason with my emotions.  Sometimes I'm not happy with myself inside and out. . .but other times I am even if other people aren't happy with me.  Sometimes I have to ask myself, how do I really feel about something because I get irrational.  Is that a bad thing?  My grandmother told me, while she was in the hospital and we weren't sure if she was going to make it or not, to always be true to yourself. . .that if nothing else to always be true to yourself.  The next day I broke up with Tim because of how he was acting and playing games.  If you're always true to yourself, if you're always acting as yourself, and if you're always happy with yourself inside and out. . .I think you will be a happy person.  Am I wrong?  Right now I'm pretty happy with myself.  I'm far from perfect and I'm positive there are 100 things I could improve on. . .but I'm happy.  What about you?  Are you happy?