Monday, August 31, 2009


Okay, so I have this friend.  We've known each other for quite a while actually but we lost contact and hadn't spoken for months.  Well he and I started talking again the day before Chris and I broke up and we've been talking ever since.  We were talking earlier today about my blog and he implied that he wanted me to write a little something on here about him so that is what I'm doing.  I'm not sure if he wants me to say his name or not so I wont I will just call him R because in an email he sent me he called me J lol.  Well R is a very nice guy.  He has really been there for me these last few days.  Every morning he would send me an email or a text just to make me smile and he has been there when I needed him.  I guess I had forgotten how great he was to me.  So thank you R for putting up with me and for being a great friend.  You made me feel like the most special and beautiful person on earth when someone else made me feel like dirt.  :D

This is What I Do When I Feel Good!!

I feel better, so I'm back to my vain self.  Enjoy :D


Well I don't believe anyone is reading my blog...I believe I am writing just to vent, which isn't really a bad thing but I would like to have or at least know if I do have readers lol especially because I AM THE ONLY ONE FOLLOWING MY BLOG.  So this is for you, if you are, in fact, reading my blog leave a comment.  I'm not totally sure how you go about doing it.  My mother said something about needing MY email. . .I'm not sure why that would matter but my email is
so do this for me. . .if you are reading this, and I hope someone is, leave a comment right here.  You don't have to say anything in particular, you can just say hello.  Thanks!

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Things I Want To Do BEFORE I Die!

~Get a Tattoo
~Get Flowers from a "secret admirer"
~Get Married
~Have at least 1 child preferable a girl :D
~See a UFO
~Solve a Mystery
~Travel to at least 3 different countries
~Graduate HighSchool
~Help my younger sister with her first heartbreak
~See my brother get married
~Experience something no one can explain
~Be the first to do something
~Be kissed in the rain
~Have a book published
~Find a career that I love
~Flirt with an elderly man, just to make him smile
~Save someones life

The Fair :(

I've been putting off posting this because it still kind of hurts, but right now I'm feeling sooo much better and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders so I guess this is as good a time as any.  Well this is what happened.  On friday my family and I traveled 2 hours to go to the state fair.  Chris was going to meet us there after his class.  I dropped off my cell phone and his GPS to him on our way up there because his college is on the way that way when he got there he could just text my mom and we could find him.   Well I had been so excited about this event.  The fair is my ideal date: playing games, riding rides, eating horrible food, winning teddy bears. . .Thats what I wanted to do with Chris.  I had been so excited.  Well Chris showed up about 2 hours later than what I had expected, but that didn't really matter because all I wanted was to enjoy the fair with him.  Well after he got there we were talking.  I was telling him how I felt and he was acting sort of funny.  So I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing.  So then. . .I asked him if he was breaking up with me and he said "I don't know" but in the form of "yes."  I was shocked, I was so hurt.  Part of me really did know this was coming.  Thats why I made the video and everything because I felt it coming to an end and i wanted to stop it, but I wasn't expecting him to it then.  He knew how excited I was about the fair and how badly I wanted to enjoy it with him.  I begged him not to (I know. . . I'm pathedic. . .I've never begged someone not to go before) Then I felt a panic attack coming on, I didn't want to cry in front of hundreds of people or ruin the fair for my family so I told Chris I wanted to go home.  I told my parents what had happened and they agreed Chris had horrible timing and they felt really bad.  I really wanted to stay, but I didn't want to ruin their fun.  So Chris brought me home.  I had to ride in a car for 2 hours with him and just cry and ask him why and tell him how badly I hurt.  Then he had to stay at the house with me because mom didn't want me alone and I honestly wasn't ready for him to leave yet.  I layed in bed and cried, I wanted nothing more than to die right there.  I told him he was selfish and all he cared about was himself.  I asked him why and he said because he didn't love me anymore and I didn't make him happy.  He told me that for most of it he was happy, but not all of it.  That crushed me.  I felt so horrible.  All I wanted to do was to make him happy, and he didn't.  What made it worse was on Wednesday he had told me that he did love me and that he was happy we were making everything work.  He made it sound like everything was so good and he made me believe he did love me.  He stayed until 11 I think, he fell asleep behind me and I wanted to fall asleep and just let him stay there but he was snoring. . .lol.  I had asked him earlier in one of my crying fits to stay at his house that night instead of going back to college so that I could just see him for a little while tomorrow.  I told him that I needed him and he said that he would be there for me if he could.    He said that he would help me through this.  So he agreed to stay the night.  He told me to wake him up the next morning between 10 and 11 and he would come over and then leave at like 1:30 when I had to go to work.  So I said okay.  Well, the next morning I decided I didn't want to see him.  I had to work that day and I didn't want to cry before work because crying makes me look all puffy, but when 1 o'clock rolled around I really wanted to see him one last time.  So I called him and told him I let him sleep in, but asked him if he would just stop in to work before he left.  He said that he would, and I believed him.  Needless to say he didn't.  I went to work and did all I could to keep it together.  I faked smiles and happy greetings.  As the hours passed I grew more and more depressed because I knew he wasn't coming.  So I called his house just to see if he was still there and his father said he had already left.  Thats when I broke down.  Another lie, and another broken promise. . .nothing more than another disappointment.  I had to leave work early because if I didn't I was going to have a panic attack and I was going to get sick.  I told one of the key holders that I felt sick and he let me leave immediately.  I went home and called my mother to come home because I didn't want to be alone.  She was at our family reunion.  She came home to be with me.  She talked to me and calmed me down because I was hysterical.  She helped me to remember myself and remember my strength.  She helped me realize things and to take a step back.  When I was calm enough I talked to chris.  This is when he admitted to me that he never loved me.  When we had met, I was his first girlfriend.  He was bored and lonely and didn't like to be home.  He never really did much and he wanted some companionship.  Then I came along.  I was his option.  I was the person he could spend every day with and get away from home.  I was something to do.  I was someone that loved him.  I was someone that made him feel better about himself.  He used me for something to do.  Now I can't write this blog and make him seem like a complete asshole even though I would like to.  He was good to me during our entire relationship until we broke up the first time a few weeks ago.  He always treated me well and went out of his way to make and keep me happy.  He went along with what I wanted to do and supported all of my crazy ideas.  He was there for me when I needed him and made me one of the happiest people on the planet for the last 9 months.  So maybe I did live a lie for the last 9 months.  Maybe I did believe in something that wasn't real.  But I was happy. . .and they say never regret something that once made you happy.  and I don't.  I don't regret anything we did together, anything I told him, or anything we shared.  When he admitted this to me thats when I was able to let go.  Thats when I felt better.  I don't know why this made me feel better.  It probably should have made me feel worse.  I think I knew all along this is what our relationship was and the truth. . .made it better?  I don't know but having him admit this to me helped me be okay.  I know it doesn't make sense, at least it doesn't to me, but thats what happened.  So we talked a bit longer and agreed that he's the only one that knows me for me, and I'm the only person that knows him for him.  We agreed that we were more than just a couple, we were bestfriend and even though he did hurt me I will always consider him my bestfriend.  I know what its like to be lonely and to wish for someone to come away and make the pain and loneliness go away so I guess I can't blame him for what he did.  Yes I was used, yes I was lied to. . .but I forgive him because I understand how it feels.  He's just too immature to know what his actions will do to other people.  I'm still too immature to know that.  We decided its best not to talk for a while unless we need to.  We agreed not to delete each other as friends on websites or to block each other.  We agreed to be friends again once this all blows over and we're both able to do that.  I went to bed feeling alone, lied to, used, pathedic, and unloved.  But right now, thanks to all my friends and family, I feel so loved.  He is one person in the world.  I had dinner tonight with 18 family members that love me.  I've gotten support from over 40 people in the last few days, all of which are friends and family.  If I can have 40 people love me, and have one say that he didn't. . .I guess thats okay.  I want to thank my Mom and Soon-To-Be-Dad for being there and talking me through this.  I may be the strong one, but when I'm not you guys are there to hold me up.  I also want to thank Chris's dad and step mom for their prayers and support.  Right now I feel like a weight has been lifted and like I can breath okay for the first time in a while.  I really am going to be okay. 

Thursday, August 27, 2009

The Confusing Situation

Over a year ago my mother told my grand parents (my fathers parents) that I wanted my step father to adopt me.  I've always had a very good relationship with them and whenever I would go down to visit my father I always stayed with them.  They were always very good to me and my family.  Well when my mother broke the news to them, that all changed.  My mother told my father that I wanted to be adopted and that all he had to do was pay the child support he owed me (about $5,000) and he wouldn't have to pay another penny.  So he just had to pay what he owed, he didn't have to pay anything while he was coming up with the money or anything while the adoption process was taking place.  I told my mother that I really didn't want anything from him, but she said he owed it to me so I said ok.  So I asked my mother if, with that money, I could get a car and put whatever was left towards college.  So one august morning my grandmother calls me and the first thing she asks is if anyone aside from my little brother and sister were home, and I said no because my step dad and mom were both at work.  She wanted to make sure that they were gone so that she could verbally attack me and break me down because I wanted to be adopted.  She told me things that went on when my father and mother got divorced (I was 5 at the time!) and did all she could to get me turned against my mother.  My grandmother is a very two faced person.  She always tells me that I am more mature than my father and that she is sorry that I have to deal with him.  She also always told me that she always loved my mother very much.  But like I said, she's two faced.  She always gossips with everyone she can, but then she is nice to the person she is gossiping about.  Well she attacked me because my mother wanted the child support from my father and said that I was being bought and sold and accused me of only using my father for money because I had asked to use that money for a car.  She made it sound like the divorce was all my mothers fault and my father did nothing wrong.  She broke me down until I was in tears and then said goodbye.  I immediately called my mother and told her what had happened.  She was very upset and wrote a letter to my grandmother telling her never to contact my mother again and that if I wanted a relationship with her, that was up to me.  I honestly didn't want much of one after that.  I told myself that if she really loved me she wouldn't have done that.  She would love me no matter what and want whats best for me.  Well almost a year went by and I used that time to think about it.  My grandmother can't admit when she's wrong and if she's hurting she wants to bring down everyone that is around her.  She also likes changing the story around so that she looks like the good guy.  So I was sure that she had turned that entire side of the family against me.  In July I wrote her a letter saying that I was over it and I wanted to put everything behind us and be family again.  I told her that I thought about her and my grandfather very often and missed them and loved them.  I'm sure the rest of the family has no idea that she called me up and attacked me and I'm sure she told them that I wanted nothing to do with them or something to that extent.  But a few weeks after sending the letter she called me.  I didn't expect her to admit she was wrong, but instead she continued to attack me.  I told her how I felt this time.  I told her there was nothing I could do to make her happy and that anything my mother did during the divorce didn't concern me.  Eventually she got the hint and changed the subject.  I didn't expect to hear from her after that and I wasn't all that excited to talk to her again either.  I had tried and she didn't want a relationship.  But to my surprise she began calling me just about every other day and she didn't really say much about the money or the adoption.  (I did use 2,600 for a car btw).  She started talking to me just like she used to and telling me that she loved me again.  I don't know if she sees that she was wrong or what, but I'll take it.  I'm happy to have her as my family even if she isn't everything I want her to be.  She is still very good to me and is and will always be my family.  I talked to my grandfather for the first time today in over a year, we didn't get to talk for very long because he had a meeting to go to but he said he would call me back sometime.  I don't know what he thinks or what he was told.  I never intended to upset them when I asked to be adopted.  I thought they would love me no matter what and want whats best for me.  They both know that my father is an alcoholic, a drug addict, and abusive.  I'm happy to have a relationship with them anyway, i'm greatful for what I have.  That is my confusing situation.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

:( (:

Well, the lady from probation for the adoption never showed up.  My entire family was not very happy.  My mother took the day off of work to clean the house and be all ready for her and we've all been waiting for this for quite some time.  She was the one that made this appointment, and this is her job.  I'm not sure what my parents are going to do about it, but I'm not happy.  This was one more step into making the adoption complete and it didn't happen.  I had been waiting for her all day, she was supposed to come at 7PM and 7 came and went.  My parents sat there waiting while I made the video posted below. . .they waited and waited.  I'm just not very happy about it.  This was really important *sigh*

Well I showed Chris the video I made yesterday and he LOVED it.  I was actually some what upset with him when I made it because I simply asked him to send me a message before he left to do some shopping.  He doesn't have a cell phone right now so the only way we can communicate is online.  I don't ask much of him, just to send me a few messages.  I'm having a hard time adjusting to him not being here, and its going to take me a while.  Right now, I'm really struggling and all I ask is that he message me when I ask him to.  But I made the video because I missed him and when he got back into the room I asked him if he had 5 minutes to see the surprise I had for him.  He said that I had to wait 5 minutes because his RA was doing a room check.  Well of course that 5 minutes turned into 25.  I had worked on the video for 2 hours and all I wanted to do is show him.  I am also not a very patient person so this only frustrated me more, but I didn't let him see that.  I know its not his fault.  He is very busy right now trying to get everything worked out for college and get everything he needs and its not his fault his cell phone broke, but sometimes he just doesn't make it any easier.  Like when I asked him what time his first class was today and he said 8 this morning, so I said "ok, just please please message me before you leave." and he said ok.  Well I woke up around 8:30 and of course. . .no messages.  So I sent him a message and a few minutes later he sent one back.  He messed up, his classes didn't start until 9 so he hadn't left yet.  So fine, I didn't have a reason to be upset there, and I wasn't after he explained it to me, but honestly I don't think he was going to remember to message me anyways.  Its just really frustrating right now.  I'm trying to do all I can to show him how much I love him with my blogs and my videos, and I know they make him happy but I don't get the responses I'm looking for because well. . .they're all on AIM. 

On the upside, Chris comes home today!!! He promised to come home this wednesday because I've been missing him so much.  His classes end early today and don't start until late tomorrow.  We also want to try to see our other friend that leaves tomorrow for college.  I'm glad I get to see him, I want nothing more than to be in his arms and kiss him as much as possible.  Hopefully now I will get the responses I've been looking for to my blogs and videos.  I just want him to say thank you, tell me he loves me, and hold me tightly in his arms.  Thats all I want.  I've missed being in his arms very much, especially at night.  I know I've already said this but I really do miss him tucking me into bed at night.  So I'm excited that he will get to do that tonight and I'm excited that I get to see him.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Another Video I made ♥

Once again, I was bored, sad, and lonely because I'm home and Chris is in college so I used that hour and a half, which turned into 2 hours to make this. 

Adoption :D

Well, something I neglected to mention earlier is that I'm being adopted by my step dad.  My mother and real father got married when I was three and got divorced just a few months later.  He was in and out of my childhood and I was very confused.  I don't really have a lot of good memories of him.  I do remember him smoking pot in front of me when I was just a toddler, and being excited whenever he came back home.  I remember when my mom kicked him out, I remember that as if it was yesterday.  I was sitting on the couch in the living room and watching some television.  My mother and father were in the next room which was the dining room fighting.  I could see them clearly from where I was because there was no door between the rooms, just an arch-like-opening.  I had just woken up from my nap and my mother was covered in bruises.  My dad did a lot of drugs and my mother got sick of it so she flushed them down the toilet.  When my father found out he came home and beat her.  I remember them arguing and my mother telling him to get out and it was over.  I was very confused and I started to cry and hid my face in a pillow.  Someone tried to move the pillow from my face, I assume it was my mother, but they didn't succeed.  When I was 5 my mother met my step father, Gary.  They were both corrections officers for the county.  Gary had gotten two tickets to a concert and needed someone to go with and everyone there suggested he ask out my mother, but they weren't sure if she was with someone or not because she seemed so content.  But he asked her anyway and she said yes.  They went out a few times before the concert to get to know each other, before long he started staying the night, and then several nights because my mothers house was closer to where they both worked than his house.  Then he moved it and a 2 years later my mother got pregnant with my little sister, and then another 2 years passed and she got pregnant with my little brother.  I didn't like him very much when I was younger because I was very confused.  Although I didn't have much of a relationship with my father who lived in Georgia, I still considered him my father like any young child would.  I visited him and the rest of my family down there about once a year.  He didn't really have much to do with me.  Then when I was 9 we moved from our house to Garys house which is where we still live now.   They got married when I was 10 and I was the maid of honor.  Right before I turned 16 was when I asked Gary to adopt me, I actually asked him when we were fighting.  I don't really remember what we were fighting about, but he brought up something about me not liking him and thats when I said, "don't like you? Gary I want you to adopt me!" He was blown away and he said he would adopt me in a heartbeat.  Well that Heartbeat has taken over a year and a half, but we're nearing the end of the very long process.  Today we have a home visit from probation.  They come and see our home and ask me and my family questions about our relationship and what not.  I think its funny because I still live with my mother and Gary has raised me since I was 5 years old, but its their policy.  I'll keep you updated and whats to come, but soon we will have court dates and I will get my last name changed.  Wish me luck :D

Monday, August 24, 2009


Well, I'm really sad, bored, and lonely right now so I'm posting yet another blog today.  My boyfriend started his college classes today so I didn't get to talk to him until like 4:00 PM and I haven't spoken to him since and it is now after 9:00 PM.  I am so not used to this, I'm used to seeing him every day.  He would come over every morning and leave at like midnight.  It sucks even more that his cell phone is broken so the only way I can talk to him is when he is online (which he never is).  I just got on the computer and saw that he was online so I sent him a message and just as I did, he signed off.  It said that he had been online for 12 mintues so I don't know why he didn't send me a message.  It upsets me that he didn't, he knows I've been missing him like hell.  I may be clingly and needy right now, but we've been together for almost 9 months so I'm allowed to be sometimes.  I'm having a hard time adjusting to this and he's not really making it easier.  I know its not his fault, but idk. . .I think he could make an effort to talk to me a little more.  I know its going to get easier once I get used to this, but right now I'm struggling with it.  I miss him soooooooo much.  I can't wait until he gets another cell phone so I can at least text him and hear his voice at night.  I'm used to him tucking me in at night. . .I don't get that anymore except on weekends.  Is it friday yet??  He is coming home wednesday this week because his classes end early and start late on thursday.  He knows that I miss him so he's going to come home to see me and spend some time with me.  Friday we're going to the state fair, I really hope it doesn't rain.  *sigh* Bored. . .sad. . .lonely.  I'm ranting and going around in circles, oh well.  I just hope I can talk to him before I go to bed.  I only got to talk to him for a few minutes today. . .I don't want to go to bed without talking to him for a little bit and hearing how his day went. . . :(


Find more videos like this on Starseeds.Net

^ this is the first of 9 videos like this.  If you're interested go to youtube or google and type in fastwalkers. 

If anyone is interested in this sort of thing and wants to know more google quantum communications (really interesting stuff), UFO's, and once again check out the starseeds website that I have posted elsewhere.  Also has some interesting stuff on there also.  The information is there, you just have to look.


This video is very true.  When I was little I loved astrology.  I had books and even a little telescope.  The stars, planets, and the universe itself intrigued me so much.  I never felt like I fit in completely here and I have always wondered what my true purpose was.  I found out later that my purpose is to help people and to guide them.  I'm here to guide people while the earth changes and moves into the 5th dimension.  I'm here to save lives.  My dreams have often come true and I do always see things in people that most others don't see.  I cannot hear other peoples thoughts however, but I think instead people can hear mine in a way.  I do believe that my little sister can hear thoughts. 

I don't believe that in 2012 the world is going to end completely, instead I believe the world is going to change. When the dinosaur "world" ended, the world didn't end, it changed.  I think something like that is going to happen.  I believe that many will die, but the smart and the strong will survive.  I don't know what is going to happen to me, perhaps I will go back to where I came from.  Perhaps I will die.  Perhaps I will stay here for whatever challenges are to come afterward.  I believe that not only am I a starseed, but I'm also an Indigo which is someone that is here to help and to guide the humans.  I've never been "normal" and I know why.  This doesn't mean that I don't believe in god and what not, I just don't believe in everything the bible teaches.  I believe there is a god, and a higher power, but I'll save that for another blog. 

This I found very interesting when someone from sent me a link to this video.  It gave me chills the entire time while watching it.  I don't know much about it, but I found it very interesting.  There are people and "things" here and elsewhere guiding earth in its transition into the next dimension.  We aren't the first to change, I actually think we may be one of the last ones to do so. 

There isn't much to say about this video, it more or less speaks for itself.  This video also gave me chills and made me tear up and I'm not totally sure why.  This is why I'm here.  How can anyone frown upon something that is so good?

Well I think thats it for now, I will probably add more videos and information on this later, but if you're interested or if you feel some what compelled to know more I have provided a link for starseeds in this blog and it is also located on the right hand side of my page just scroll down a little.  Also, if you have time google 2012, 11:11, niberu, starseeds, rainbow warriors, indigos, dark sea scrolls.  I'm still learning myself but everytime I read something new I feel like I've already known a lot of it.  Sometimes I don't believe certain things, like the last video I posted I believe there is some truth in it but idk. . .I didn't have the same reaction to that one as I did the others until the very end. 

All About Chris :D (pix)

He really didn't just wake up. . .He just looks like that sometimes lol
Chris dancing. . .enough said. . .lol ♥
This was at prom, prom really sucked, but thats a story for another day.
I threw this in here because this was a picture from our first date
I love him.  He is so beautiful. ♥♥♥

Sunday, August 23, 2009

The Visit

Today I visited my boyfriend (chris) at college.  He goes to SunyIT in Utica which is about 45 minutes from me.  In order to get there I had to take I-90 then I-790 then Rt 49, and it was just a whole lot of confusing.  I drove there by myself for the first time and let me just say, I didn't like it one bit.  I ended up getting off the wrong exit and ending up in downtown Utica, which I've been before because I go through there to get to the mall, but it just wasn't fun getting lost.  I drove around for like 5 mins and then asked directions.  I ended up going past the street he told me to turn on so I had to turn around and it was just hell, but I managed to find my way there any how.  I enjoyed my time there with him.  We layed in his tiny college bed and talked and kissed alot :D, and talked to his roommates, I like all but one of them.  The one I don't like. . .I really don't like.  He's one of those guys that thinks he knows everything and that he's gods gift to humanity. . .ya.  I haven't gotten along with him since before I met him, but the rest seem very nice.  I haven't met one of them officially, but we'll see.  Tom seems kinda like the guy that really wants to fit in so he will go along with what any one tells him, but I only said like 5 words to him over like 20 minutes so I can't really judge.  The other guy that so far is my favorite is Darling, no thats his name, Darling.  He is little, and has an accent, a spanish accent.  He seems a bit shy, but very nice.  I liked him the best.  But like I said, it was only a brief meeting so I really can't judge just yet.  Chris and I drank cranapple juice and ate popcorn chicken and did what all young couples do :D, I had to hold back tears a lot of the time because it really hit me when I was there how much I miss him.  I also realized that it's never really going to be the same again.  Before he left we were together every day.  He was always in bed with me at night and there to tuck me in, he was there for dinner and he brought me breakfast often.  Those things are all going to change.  The only time he is really going to be here is on weekends on when he doesn't have school.  The rest of the time I'm going to be there and I'm rarely going to go to his house.  Its just all hitting me kind of hard right now, but I will be ok.  He is less than an hour away and I can still see him pretty much when ever I want.  I will miss the privacy and our alone time the most, I cherish that.  But we said our goodbyes and I ignored Paul (the roommate I can't stand) when he said his sarcastic goodbye.  Chris gave me his GPS to help me get home, but I still got lost.  The GPS helped me get back to where I had to be and I got home the rest of the way just fine.  And here I am now. 

Saturday, August 22, 2009

The Radio Dan Show

So I have this friend Dan and he does some weird radio show from his house that is online and stuff.  I'm not sure if it's actually on the radio because he lives in Florida and I don't, but I've listened to it a few times and Its not bad.  I'm not sure if he has a particular set up of how he does his shows or if he just wings it, but they're pretty funny.  He reviews movies, and talks about. . .whats on the news and stuff like that.  I've listened to it a few times and I never fell asleep.  His wife Jessica is on there too.  Well anyway, why am I telling you this.  Well my friend Dan made a link of my blog on his blog so I think its only fair that I advertise for his radio show on here to be nice.  So if you have nothing better to do and you want to listen to something funny and usually pretty interesting check out on saturday through thursday at 8 pm Eastern time. . .I think we're in eastern time lol. . .we're in the east so it makes sense.  On the website theres a chat room, which all of 5 people go in and no one talks to me when I go in there except for Dan while he is doing his show, and other links.  You can also call in and stuff.  Check it out, its pretty cool and Dan Rocks!!!!! 

In memory of Jessica Ashley Canfield ♥

November 6, 2007 my cousin Jessica died. We had grown up together. She was a major part of my earliest memories. She died in a car accident at the age of 16. Her, her friend, and her 11 year old sister were skipping school. It was raining that morning and my cousin was speeding. She over turned and then over corrected and hit a tractor trailor head on. She was driving so fast that the man driving the truck popped out a few disks in his back. My cousin died on impact of a broken neck. . .she had no scratches on her otherwise. Her friend suffered only a broken leg, and my other little cousin was nearly cut in half by the seat belt, she is now paralyzed from the waste down. That was only the second worst day of my life. The first was the funeral. There were so many people there, and when I finally got to her casket I couldn't look at her. I was shaking and crying so hard, I just couldn't. So I didn't say good bye. I kept telling myself I would go up again and say good bye, and right as I was about to they closed the casket. I watched my cousin, who was more like my sister, being closed up in a little box and lowered into the ground. That was the worst day of my life. I will never forget that when I say her mother she hugged me and told me that SHE wished that SHE could take all of MY pain away. . .to this day that still baffles me. My cousin was smart, beautiful, and talented. Everyone that knew her, loved her. Especially me. I lost my sister, my bestfriend, and my cousin. A few weeks after the accident her grandmother sent me her school picture from that year that Jessie had intended to give me, and it was in the car that she had her accident in. On the back it said that she loved me and that I would always be her sister. To me, it was like she was talking to me from the dead. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her and remember her. I've gotten through all of that, but it wasn't easy. R.I.P Jessie. I made a youtube video about her if you want to check it out.  I miss my cousin very much, we were raised together.  She really was more like my sister, when we were little we used to say that we were adopted from royalty and we were sisters.  When we were little we did the blood sister ceremony thing where u both cut yourself on ur hand and mix your blood together, we thought it was cool at the time but I look back and realize how silly we were, we had already shared blood because we are related.  Her death has brought some good however, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and it has made me a stronger and more mature individual.  So this one is for her! I love you Jessie.

My boyfriend

Well, today which is August 22nd, my boyfriend left for college.  He spent the last 4 days at my house with out really leaving and then last night he finally went home.  He told me he would be at my house by 8 AM so that we could be at the college around 8:40 to move him in.  Well I woke up at 7 to get ready and 8 came and went like I knew it would.  So I called him and of course he was still in bed.  So I woke him up and then drove over to his house so that maybe we could leave a little faster.  Well Chris, his step mom Karen, and I didn't get to the school until about 10:00 AM anyways.  The college was nice.  I hadn't been there yet.  He's a freshman at SUNYIT in Utica, he wants to be a Computer Engineer.  Well we moved him in and I made his bed and helped Karen organize his room.  He is living in a suit with 1 real roommate and 3 other suit mates.  5 guys. . .on apartment type thing. . .lol.  Well I had to leave him around 12 because I had to go to work, but he is all set up and happy.  I plan to visit him tomorrow.  Chris and I met December 6, 2008. . .the first time I spoke to him I yelled at him.  I was nervous, and so was he and he didn't meet me where I told him to meet me and I didn't know what to say or do so I yelled at him some what jokingly and then began dragging him along.  We had started talking on myspace because I thought he was very attractive.  I had seen his profile many times, but I didn't message him for a long while, then I decided what the heck.  So I sent him a message but once again I didn't know what to say so I used the line "You look familiar" and it worked.  We started talking and hit it off.  The first time I talked to him on the phone I thought he was a little annoying and I wasn't sure I would like him.  About a week later I had my friends party to go to and I asked him if he would go with me as a date, and he used a few different excuses which I still don't believe but 5 minutes before the party started he agreed to go.  We met in person at the party and I thought he was gorgous.  I was and still am his first girlfriend.  At the time he had never kissed anyone and I didn't just want to kiss him so at the party I organized a silly little game of spin the bottle :D and that plan worked as well and I got to kiss him, the rest of the night we were attached at the mouth.  The rest was history.  We've now been together for over 8 months and we've seen each other just about every day since the first day.  We broke up for 3 days this month and we still saw each other every day.  I love him very much and I look forward to what ever future we have together. 
Well that concludes my second blog.  Hope you liked it.

The Beginning :D

Well, this is the beginning (hence the title) of my new blog.  I've blogged before on my myspace and on a few other sites I've been on, but nothing really official, just me ranting or reviewing movies and such.  So I guess I will start by formally introducing myself, my name is Jocie (jaw-see) and I'm a 17 year old female living in upstate New York.  I was born January 22, 1992 to a some what single mother (my father was in and out of the picture for the first few years of my life).  I am an on stage actress, a musician, and a cashier at a hardware store.  I've also worked as a waitress, a maid, and a babysitter.  Currently I am a senior in Highschool, taking college courses, and working.  I spend all of my free time with friends and my amazing boyfriend :D.  So thats my short intro, you can always feel free to ask more if you want to know more, but I'm sure I will unveil other secrets in my later blogs.  So what made me want to start a more "formal" blog?? Well the other night my boyfriend (Chris) and I went to the movies (we drove to a town that takes me over 40 minutes to get to in 20) and saw Julie & Julia (The movie about Julia Childs) And Julie made a blog about cooking all of Julia Childs recipes in her book.  After watching the movie I had a strong urge to blog. . .no not to cook of course, but to blog.  The movie by the way was very good.  When we walked into the theatre my boyfriend looked around and saw a theatre full of elderly women and immediately asked me "uh. . .baby? What kind of movie did we come to see?" Of course Julia Childs was famous in like the 40's so. . .and I honestly think that elderly women enjoy going to the movies, its a nice night out for them.  I believe that those women made the movie more entertaining for me.  Like when Meryl Streep (who played Julia Childs) held up a noodle and said that it was "As hot as a stiff cock," all the elderly women in the room gasped and started cracking up.  They truly made the movie more enjoyable, so if you're planning to see the movie and you're not over the age of 60, bring your mother or grandmother :D  Well I'll say thats it for blog one, I hope you enjoyed it and there are more to come.