Sunday, January 31, 2010


How did geologists come to know so much about the earth?  It took time.  Lots of time.  They had to watch it.  Watch it move and change.  They had to listen.  Listen to the sounds it makes.  They had to feel it.  Feel its warmth, and its coldness.  Feel its softness, and its hardness.  They had to feel it move and feel it change.  They studied and researched and paid attention to everything it did.  They studied and observed every piece of evidence.  They used their senses and their knowlede to learn more and better understand it.  They are still learning, listening, watching, feeling, tasting, smelling and observing.  They still don't know everything, but they're trying.  Sometimes they jump to conclusions, but they give the earth time and keep their mind open to be proven wrong. 
Thats the only way you will understand.  You have to watch me.  You have to see me cry and laugh.  You have to watch me bleed, watch how I react when I'm in pain, see me when I'm overwhelmed in happiness, see me when I'm angry.  Watch my tears, watch my smile, watch my body.  You have to listen to me and hear me loud and clear.  Listen to my heart beat, listen to what I have to say and how I'm feeling.  You have to feel me.  Feel my softness and my harndess.  Feel my warmth as well as when I'm cold.  You have to observe and be patient because sometimes it takes a while to see and feel and hear all of the things you need in order to know and understand me.  Use your senses and your knowledge to understand me better.  But most of all you have to watch, listen, feel, taste, and touch all the parts of me that their are.  You won't know what color my blood is just from stroking my hair.  You won't know the sound of my heartbeat just by looking at the color of my eyes. . .but if you take your time, and pay attention, you will learn a lot and understand so much more.  Thats the only way you will learn.

Friday, January 29, 2010

My Ring

Well I figured out why i've been procrastinating with getting my engagement ring resized. . .its because I don't want to take it off and be separated from it. I haven't taken it off even for a second since I've gotten it and thought of not having it for a week or more haunts me.  Its hard to explain but its like. . .its something that I have from Tim and its special and when he's not here its all I have to hold on to.  I miss him like hell and at the moment the sweatshirt he gave me is at his mothers house and so the ring is all I have aside from his letters and the pictures I took.  Not only that but the ring is a symbol of our love, and our relationship.  God I miss him.  I have dreams of him surprising me and coming home and when I see him I just jump into his arms and bawl my eyes out. . .and then I wake up and remember he's not here and Its going to be about 3 more weeks before I go to Missouri to see him. . .I hate it.  It hurts so much not being able to see him let alone talk to him.  I just keep telling myself that if we can get through this it will make our relationship so much stronger and we will be able to get through just about anything.  Its not easy.  Its one of the hardest things I've put myself through, but as I've said before. . .he's more than worth it. 

I love this song

Lyrics to Two Is Better Than One :

I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life and I thought
"Hey, you know, this could be something"

'Cause everything you do and words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing

So maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two is better than one

I remember every look upon your face
The way you roll your eyes
The way you taste
You make it hard for breathing

'Cause when I close my eyes and drift away
I think of you and everything's okay
I'm finally now believing

That maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two is better than one
Yeah, yeah

I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life and I thought, "Hey,"

maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone

And I'm thinking
I can't live without you
'Cause, baby, two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
But I'll figure it out
When all is said and done
Two is better than one
Two is better than one
~I love this song by Boys Like Girls. . .I asked Timmer (in a letter with the lyrics) if it could be our song. . .so I just have to wait about 8 days to hear the result. . .lol

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Wedding Plans Part I

Well. . .being the female that I am I changed my mind.  No, I didn't change my mind about marrying Tim so stop thinking that right now.  I changed my mind about the colors I want.  Well sort of.  I kind of just decided that I dont want to have pale blue and pale green as my colors anymore.  I know that I want just one color and white.  I want to simplify things a bit.  I spoke to Tim a while ago on the phone and he wants me to wear a white dress. . .a white dress.  Well I think everyone knows that you're only supposed to wear a white dress if you're a virgin. . .I am NOT a virgin.  I tried to explain this to him but he wouldn't listen.  He said I could wear a white dress with some sort of colored accent or something. . .I don't know how the rules apply to that, but I will do what I can.  I tried to tell him that I can wear an off white dress, but for whatever reason he REALLY wants me to wear a white dress.  We'll see.  I was talking to my darling Gabby today about changing the colors.  We were discussing having midnight blue and white.  What do you think?  Any input?

Wednesday, January 27, 2010


If I wish upon a star will you come home?  How about if I pray to god every night before I go to sleep?  If I blow out all my candles on my cake?  Or if I toss a penny into a fountain?  I need my Knight in Shining Armor.  I need him to kiss away my tears, and make all the monsters under my bed go away.  I need my Knight because when he is beside me when I sleep. . .I don't have nightmares.  He slays the dragons and kisses me in my tower.  But how would have thought that the amazing Knight would have to leave after saving the princess. . .who would have thought that the Knight had to fight more dragons and continue to save the world?  Did you read the fine print beneath the words "Happily Ever After?"  The knight. . .will always be a Knight.  He wears his armor into battle and it shines bright in the sun as well as the moon.  And the Princess. . .she will continue to wait, and wish, and pray until the Knight no longer has to wear his armor. . .and he can come home.

Monday, January 25, 2010


So I went to the casino the other night.  I went to TurningStone with my parents.  I've never been to a casino. . .honestly I don't even think I've seen one before.  But we went.  I put $75 on the little cards that they give you.  On the second slot machine I went to I more than doubled my money, so I was going to go and take $100 off my card and play with the rest.  Well. . .there were a lot of slot machines between that machine and the place you go to get the money off and they had buttons and lights and pretty colors. . .lol so needless to say I didnt take $100 off.  I was doing really well though.  I managed to stay above $100 almost all night and we played for hours.  After we went to dinner though, it was just all down hill.  I lost it all by the end of the night.  I had planned on it anyways, but it was fun.  I forget how much my mom lost, I think she lost like $100 or $120.  Dad was the only one that won anything.  But we had a good time. 


Well for those of you that don't already know, I got accepted to Long Island University C.W Post and they are giving me $11,000 A YEAR to go there.  That is without other financial aid and scholarships.  I was so happy when I found out, I seriously wanted to cry.  Everyone was really happy for me, and it made me feel so good.  If everything goes right I will most likely go there.  I'm still waiting to hear from the rest of the schools I applied to and then make my final decision.  I still don't know if I want to go that far away, or if I want to spend that much money all 4 years because its like $28,000 a year. . .

Saturday, January 23, 2010

My Tattoo and Piercing

It was a great, but painful day.  The tongue hurt 100x more than my tattoo.  I love them both and am very happy I got them.  I know the nose won by one vote, but my fiance wanted my tongue and I favored my tongue too.  Perhaps I will get my nose pierces as well sometime in the near future.  Tell me whatcha think of my tattoo.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

My Ex

So Chris. . .as in my ex. . .so much I want to say, but. . .lack of words.  As of right now he is not speaking to me.  Why?  I haven't the slightest clue.  All I know is he's upset that I'm engaged and he stopped talking to me after he found out.  He tried telling my bestfriend that I cheated on him. . .never happened.  He tried saying that the only reason I'm engaged to Timothy is because he wouldn't take me back. . .not true.  I will admit I have loved Chris since the day we met, I will always love Chris, why?  I have no freaking clue.  I just know I always will.  I never told Chris I wanted to get back with him.  Sure, the thought crossed my mind while Tim and I were having problems, but I never said it out loud and I was never going to actually get back together or ask him to get back together with me because I know we just don't work anymore.  We can't be together for whatever reason, so I wasn't going to try.  I never told him that though.  I understand that for a while was back and forth with what I was going to do with Tim, yes I was confused.  When he came home, that night we sat up in bed at like 3:30 in the morning talking about us.  Before I said anything, he asked me what I thought about him getting out of the military.  We talked about it.  He wants to get out of the military for me and his family.  While he held me, I realized how much he loved me.  He didn't have to say it, I could feel it, I could see it in his eyes and feel it when he held me and kissed me.  I was amazing that anyone could love me like that and I felt like the luckiest girl on the planet.  I got engaged to him because I love him and because he is probably one of the most amazing people I have ever met and I just so happen to be the lucky girl he fell for.  He said he wanted to get out of the military, not only for me, but still I was part of the reason.  Thats when I realized well if he's willing to do that for me, I can wait for him.  Thats exactly what I'm doing.  Waiting.  I didn't get engaged because I couldn't have someone else, thats stupid.  I know I was unsure before, but I know more than anything that he is everything I want and I will wait the rest of my life if I have to just for him.  I'm not perfect, I make mistakes, but he knows about everything.  I told him what was going on with me and we talked about it. 
Chris, I dont know why you're mad at me. . .I did nothing to you.  I don't know why you're telling people I cheated on you, I loved you soo much when we were together I never would have cheated on you, I never had time, we were together almost constantly.  Stop being immature. 
The thing that hurt me. . .I realized the other day that I was no longer friends on facebook with his stepmom, dad, or brother. . .did Chris say something to them for them to not like me?  Did they just not want to be in the middle of this?  That hurt me because I loved his family soo much. . .I dont know what happened.  :(

Sunday, January 17, 2010


Well my lovely Timmer went to this church event thing today and was able to have his phone all day :D So I got to talk to him a bunch.  We discussed a lot of things and I am really happy that we're on the same page.  We are going through the same thing and thinking about the same things, and it kinda makes me feel better knowing that.  I can't really go into too much detail at the moment because I'm not sure what I'm allowed to say so I don't get him in trouble.  But we're trying to fix the problem at hand.  I always feel so much better after talking to him, I fell reassured that its going to be okay and how much he means to me.  I love this boy and I seriously have since the first time we met.  I don't know if he realizes how much he means to me just like I might not realize how much I mean to him. . .but I know what we have is special.  He makes me care about things and people. . .when I normally wouldn't and would just give up.  He makes me want to live.  He's probably the one thing that keeps me going when I don't want to or don't think I can.  So whats wrong with that?  If I'm happy and safe.  Thats right. . .nothing.  I know myself better than anyone else and I know when something is good for me.  Timothy Evan Manchester Jr. is very good for me :D

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I miss him

I get depressed a lot. . .and really easily.  I hate that he is so far away.  I hate not being able to talk to him or even touch him.  It makes me sad.  I know he is worth and and when this is all done its going to be amazing, but for the time being it sucks so badly.  He broke his nose :( I'm sad because I can't be there to kiss him and make it feel better.  I'm sad because he's not here to make me feel better.  I'm getting more and more disinterested in planning a wedding because I haven't the slightest clue when we're going to be able to have it.  I mean, I want to marry him, and I love him to death. . .but I'm depressed.  As time goes by I seem to be getting more and more apathedic about everything.  I just don't care anymore.  I just want to give up.  Nothing seems worth it anymore. . .I don't feel strongly about anything anymore.  Somewhere along the lines I've lost myself, and its NOT because of Tim.  This has been happening for a long time and now its just getting worse. . .Maybe I will just evaporate into nothing. . .

Saturday, January 9, 2010


Well christmas was both a good and bad holiday for me.  I'm not much of a christmas person to begin with, but its okay.  This christmas I got a Garmin GPS, a new cd/radio player thinger for my car, crocs with fur, and the entire first season of the Golden girls.  I got other stuff too but thats the major stuff :D Well later that afternoon I decided to go visit my friend Martin because he is in the Navy, stationed near by, and his family is in Michigan.  He had no one to spend christmas with and I dont like it when people spend holidays alone so I went and spent a little time with him and brought him some cookies I had made.  I was only gone for like 2 hours and my mom freaked out because I hadn't called home to find out what time dinner was going to be. . .yes i understand its christmas, but really?  we weren't doing anything special and to me. . .this was very important.  I'm supposed to be considerate of everyone all the time. . .how about someone be considerate of me once in a while when there is something this significant and important to me. . .she couldn't have asked me to be home at a certain time?  I don't know. . .caused a bunch of drama but I don't regret what I did.  I was trying to do something nice and be there for someone else.  Oh well.  So that night I spent with Tim and we had a nice night :D


Well it took us forever but we did officially name the kitten.  He shall hence forth be known as. . .JASPER!!! he is a sweet, but hyper little guy.  He has a lot of personality and I love him to death.  I guess while I was gone he was sleeping in my bed (achoo) lol.  I hold him like a baby a lot and rub his little tummy, sometimes he purrs, other times he scratches me.  I have scrapes all over my arms from mister jasper :-\ while tim and chris (not my ex that is an asshole) they fell in love with Jasper.  Tim and the kitten got along very well.  Jasper would follow tim around the house, it was very cute.  Chris took a picture of my kitten with his phone to take it with him lol.

So much!

Well I haven't had time to really write in quite a while and soo much has happened, I don't even know where to start. Well Tim came home December 18th and as soon as I was in his arms again I knew there was no way I could ever leave him. I told him how I had been feeling and thinking about leaving him and he told me some things I don't believe I'm at liberty to post on here, but he helped me to make my decision to stay with him and get through all of this because I love him soo much. He was. . .er is willing to make a lot of sacrifices for me because of how much he loves me so I am willing to wait for him and make these sacrifices for him because of how much he means to me. Most of you all ready know, but for those of you that don't. . .as of December 27th I am no longer Timmer's girlfriend, I am now his fiance :D

This isn't the best picture of the ring but you get the idea and I will upload more in the future.  We were in a rush to go somewhere, I don't remember where we were going anymore, but I know we were running late.  He is late for everything!  I was trying to push him out the door more or less, so he got down to tie his shoe (on one knee) and I was telling him to hurry up.  He then lifted the ring box and asked me to marry him, and I of course said yes.  We aren't sure on a date yet, but we're thinking October.  Its hard because we don't know when he's going to get leave and for how long.  I stayed at his house almost the entire time he was home, mainly because of some drama at my house, and I had an amazing time with him.  I loved every minute of it.  He makes me happy.  He is very good to me, and I always feel comfortable and safe with him.  So yes, we're getting married and I will, in fact, be changing my name again.  I promise to update you all on all wedding plans and what not as they get done.  So far we have decided that the wedding colors are going to be pale blue and pale green.  Since I am unable to wear a white dress (hehe) I am going to wear a pale blue dress with a green bouquet.  My bridesmaids are going to wear pale green dresses, the groomsmen are wearing black tuxes with pale green vests and ties, and yes. . .we are all wearing crocs ;) My amazing friend Gabby Tripsas has been helping me out everyday with the planning and I love her to death for it.  All my girlfriends have been helping out a lot so far, thanks guys ♥