Friday, October 28, 2011


Mood: Thoughtful
Weather: Cold. . .It F**king snowed last night!!!

Okay think with me here:  I am a person, a human being, yes?  Are you?  I am a female, are you?  If not then you are probably a male, correct?  I have lived for 19 years, celebrated 19 birthdays.  I have a mother, a biological father, and a chosen (adopted) father.  I have an older step sister, a younger sister, and two younger brothers, though one of which I haven't seen since he was an infant (he is my biological fathers son).  I go to school.  I work.  I have a boyfriend.  I have friends.  I have hobbies.  I have emotions.  I have daily activities.  Sometimes I laugh.  Sometimes I cry.  Sometimes I fall in love.  I have pictures.  I have memories.  I have dreams.  I have values, and morals, and beliefs, and understandings, and ideals!  Do you?  We all may be different, and have different families, thoughts, feelings, reactions, ideals, morals, beliefs, etc.  But we all have families.  We all have a mother that gave birth to us, and a father that helped created us. . .even if they are no longer around or in our lives.  We have people we care about, and others that care about us.  We have memories.  We have dreams.  So what I will never understand is how one person could kill another.  I will never understand war.  How thousands of man can band together to go kill each other.  To kill another person.  Have you ever lost a person?  Do you know what it feels like to have someone ripped away from you?  I don't care who you are, those feelings are the same.  Think about if you lost your best friend?  Your brother?  Your sister?  Your wife?  Your boyfriend?  When we go to war and kill other people. . .who do you think we are taking away?  Someone's son.  Someone's friend.  Someone's lover.  Someone's parent.  Just like we are losing.  I don't know, I don't think I will ever understand the point. 

Thursday, October 27, 2011

All About Love

I'm only 19, I'll be 20 in January, but in the last few years I think I've learned quite a lot about love.  Love isn't butterflies.  Love isn't sex.  Love isn't love letters and flowers.  Love isn't diamonds.  Love isn't days, weeks, months, or years.  Love isn't whispers in your ears.  Love isn't holding hands.  Love isn't beautiful.  Love isn't kind.  Love isn't indestructible.  And for goodness sakes, love isn't happily ever after.  No no, love is waking up in the morning and kissing despite the god awful morning breath.  Love is waking up with hair in disarray and make up smeared and lying to me that you still think I'm beautiful.  Love isn't compromise, its giving up because dammit you just don't want to argue about it anymore.  Love is driving each other up a wall to the point of wanting to murder each other, but going to bed in each others arms anyways.  Love is waking up and forgetting what it was you went to bed arguing about.  Love definitely hurts.  Love comes, and it goes. . .but love never dies.  Love is biting your tongue.  Love is doing it even though you don't want to.  Love is a commitment.  Love is a verb.  Love can often mean goodbye.  Love is the number one cause of tears in all 50 US states.  Love is tolerance.  Love can kill.  Love is selfless.  Love is jealousy.  Love is frustration.  Love is worry.  Love is stress.  Love is trust.  Love is sticking around, even after the fights, tears, tantrums, break downs, ups, and downs. . .because love is all we've got.  That's what I've learned about love.

Halloween 2011

Its ironic how halloween is my favorite holiday.  So many people have come and gone this time of year its a wonder how I can even be in the mindset to celebrate.  The one year anniversary of David's death was just the other day, and the four year anniversary of Jessie's death is fast approaching on the 6th.  I said goodbye to Chris, and hello to Tim this time of year as well.  I started work at Mercato's and withdrew from Oneonta. I got pneumonia and had my lung collapse two years ago about this time. . .same time I broke up with Chris and shortly after began my relationship with Tim.  Now I've just left the nursing program. . .and my way.  I've spent so many days in bed crying this time of year.  Despite it all, Halloween is my favorite type of year.  Perhaps its because a part of me is still just that morbid, or perhaps its the one day I can acceptably not be myself and escape.  Whatever the reason, halloween is on monday and dammit I still don't know what I want to be.  I suppose it doesn't really matter seeing as I have to work all weekend prior, and go to school the night of.  But I'm sure I'll dress up as something, even if I find it in my own closet.  Happy halloween, here's to hoping that this year. . .I won't be spending any more days in bed crying. . .just celebrating :)

Living With A Boy: CJ Part II

Mood: Just woke up
Weather: From what I can hear. . .rainy, probably cold too!

So CJ and I have a washer and dryer upstairs in our apartment building.  It costs a dollar a load (which people say thats cheap but I went all my life without ever having to pay for laundry so I hate this shit! lol).  CJ and I do laundry probably every week and a half, or when we realize we have no clothes :P This last time, I started the laundry and I noticed there was a new note on top of the dryer asking everyone to please check their pockets for pens and candy so it doesn't make a mess.  Well the last time we did laundry, CJ did the laundry and he left violin rosin and pens in his pockets which made the mess they were talking about.  So this time I made sure to check the pockets before I put the load in the laundry.  Well CJ finished the laundry and it turns out that one of CJ's million cargo pockets had a couple pens in them. . .These pens stained the dryer pretty bad, so when I went an dried the next load, a bunch of our clothes got ruined.  One of my favorite shirts included.  Not to mention laundry has been done for 2 days, and where do you think the majority of CJ's clothes still are?  Yup. . .still in the laundry basket on the floor.  I think we are going to do our laundry separately from now on, and our landlady called CJ and chastised him for it.  He's supposed to try to clean it, but apparently (so he says) she wasn't mad about it.  This boy is going to be the death of me lol.  Love you Sparky.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Journey To Me: Role Models

Mood: Really good actually :) 
Weather: Rainy and COOOOOLD

I have been thinking very very much about myself lately, not in an egotistical fashion but more about who I am and who I want to be.  Its really a big thing on my mind as I have said and I am determined to figure it out.  I was thinking that one thing a person needs to find out who they want to be is to have a role model.  I started to think. . .hmm. . .I don't have a role model, but I do.  I idolize my mother in many ways.  She is a great mother, wife, and friend, she has strong values and morals and she knows who she is and what she wants.  She works hard for her family and always strives to be better.  She always said that if I could find a man half as good as my dad I would be a lucky woman, well I think if I'm half the person she is I'm doing pretty good.  I also idolize my grandma Judy.  She isn't perfect, and we don't always see eye to eye but she is one of the most hard working people I know.  She sets goals and achieves them.  Her energy and drive amazes me.  She and my grandfather went from having nothing and pregnant at 18 to being quite well off because of their hard work, frugality, and self sufficiency.  But outside of family. . .I'm not sure I really have an idol or role model.  I'm not sure if you're supposed to or not.  I want to be a strong person.  I want to be driven.  I want to be kind.  I want to be honest.  I want to be a good mother one day.  I want to be a good wife, or currently, a good girlfriend.  I want to be a good friend.  And most of all, I want to be happy. 

Friday, October 21, 2011

The Journey to Me

I recently discovered that I don't know what I want to be, who I want to be, or even who I am.  So I made that my mission, to find out all of those things.  But where to start?  Well I took a few online tests, they all told me I should be either a counselor or work in business. . .well I decided I didn't want to be in school until I'm in my 30's working on my doctorate, but business has been a possibility for a while now.  I also started making some goals for myself, such as: transfer to SCCC, get my associates degree, get a better job, etc.  If anyone has any suggestions, feel free to comment. . .at this point I need all the help I can get!

College: Nursing Program Part II

Mood: Pretty damn ticked off
Weather: Cloudy, windy, cool

So yesterday afternoon I got a phone call at home from one of my nursing instructors.  On the first test, if anyone scored below an 80 they had to come in either individually or in a group for remediation, which I did.  In doing so you were supposed to create a plan of things you were going to do to improve for the next test, which I did.  But then she wanted us to either come in or email her to let her know if we were actually doing that.  I received the email but I had chosen not to respond yet, not knowing there was some sort of due date.  So she called me telling me that I failed to come in and ignored her emails.  She was exceptionally rude over the phone and ended the conversation by saying she was going to tell my other instructor that I failed to come in for remediation for the first test and then hung up on me. . .I find that extremely unprofessional, not to mention I wasn't aware I was still in high school where my instructors chase me down to make sure I'm studying and doing my work.  I thought once you were in college doing those things were up to you.  I'm paying for the class and its my grade so if I want to study, that's my choice. . .I don't need my instructor calling me at home with an attitude to see if I'm studying and then hang up on me. . .If she really had to call me out she could have sent it via email, she didn't need to call my phone, at home, to be rude and hang up on me. . .very unprofessional and uncalled for.  I live in Schenectady, I work, and I attend two other classes aside from nursing.  I practically live at the college as is and all of this mandatory remediation is ridiculous.  I think its wonderful that they offer the programs but making it mandatory isn't necessary.  I did appear for the remediation but I shouldn't have to keep checking in to let them know if I'm studying or not. . .as I said, this isn't high school and it is my responsibility to do it on my own.  I'm done ranting now.  

Monday, October 17, 2011

College: Nursing Program

Alright. . .here it goes: I've decided I don't want to be a nurse.  I am not continuing this program following this semester.  I am way to stressed out all the time to do this for two years, my body aches, I have headaches and I just feel sick all the time.  Not to mention that no matter how hard I try I can't seem to do well.  I have to have a minimum of a 78 overall in order to get into nursing II. . .I honestly don't even see that happening.  Which is heartbreaking because I've never been unable to do well in a class and I work harder at this than I have ever worked for anything else.  I can't handle the stress, I don't want to be a nurse, and I highly doubt I will pass.  Truth is, I don't really know who I am or what I want to be when I grow up.  I hate admitting that and it scares me.  I'm almost 20. . .time is going by so fast and I'm sitting here spinning in circles.  I think I'm going to transfer to SCCC next semester for either liberal arts or business and get a full-time, or almost full-time job.  *sigh*

The Costumer :)

Mood: So far so good, but I haven't had class yet :P
Weather: Cool, windy, cloudy

 So I got the job at the Costumer.  I'm working at the big corporate office where they do all of their shipments for shows, alteration, retail, and office work.  They're starting me out in wardrobe and they will move me around as needed.  They had me work at the Colonie Center store yesterday and I loved it.  I almost wish I could just stay there :P.  I saw several people I know there, which is strange because its about an hour from where I grew up and went to high school :P  I'm just glad for something different other than restaurant work.  Wish me luck :)