Sunday, March 28, 2010


Well everything just got a whole lotta messed up.  I thought I was going to Long Island University C.W Post because on their website it says it only costs like $29,000 a year and they were automatically giving me $11,000 a year for merit. . .well we just got my financial aid package from them and tuition is like $41,000 a year and they're only giving me $12,000 a year total. . .soo. . .i don't think I'm going there.  So I'm still waiting to hear back from Stony Brook, I emailed them the other day and they said my decision is still pending, but I have been accepted to Oneonta, Oswego, and Herkimer. . .I really don't want to go to Oswego or Herkimer so if I get accepted to Stony Brook it will be between there and Oneonta.  It kinda makes me sad because I have really had my heart set on going to C.W Post.  I mean, Stony Brook is in Long Island so if I went there I would still be down there and it is an absolutely GORGEOUS school. . .but. . .idk.  Its all coming down to like financial stuff. . .the good thing about Oneonta is I would be closer to people here, and a bunch of my friends are going to Oswego which isn't far away at all.  *shrugs* I guess we'll see what happens. 

Need You Now--Lady Antebellum

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin for the phone cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothin at all
It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

I just need you now

Ooo, baby, I need you now

I like this song.  I heard it on the radio and it just made me think.

Sunday, March 21, 2010


Well I had a funny experience yesterday in the Stewarts parking lot that I would like to share with you because it embarrassed me, and I feel that by laughing about it, and telling people about it, I will feel less embarrassed.  Well first of all, as I was walking into Stewarts guess who I passed?? Just guess!! No ideas??? Tim's ex girlfriend, who is now his new girlfriend Cayla!!!! yeah. . .she saw me and gave me a dirty look. . .I just smiled at her.  :) Anyways, when I was leaving Stewarts some big ass truck parked as close to me as he possibly could, and when I had to pull out I also had to turn.  So I couldn't pull out because I couldn't manuver my car around this big ass freaking truck that was parked way too close to me.  I made several failed attempts until finally this very attractive male passanger in the big ass truck opens his window and walks me through step by step how to back up my car and get around the big ass truck that is parked too damn close. . .so I was very embarrassed that he had to help me because I couldnt do it myself but I smiled and said thank you anyways.  Mind you as I was getting into my car he winked and smiled at me. . .now he probably thinks I'm a total ditz.   Well thats my story :)

Friday, March 19, 2010

Never Again

Never again:
Will I date someone in the military.
will I date someone after having issues with their family only weeks into the relationship.
will I date someone I have to wait more than a couple of weeks to see.
will I date someone I can't be myself around.
will I date someone I have to walk on eggshells around.
will I lie to myself to justify my behavior.
will I date someone that makes me feel like I have to be someone or something different to make them happy.
will I date someone that I CANNOT make happy dispite all of my efforts.
will I date someone that doesn't appreciate me for who I am and what I do.
I will never get engaged again. . .next time I'll just skip right to the marriage (I'm kidding with that one lol)
Never again will I plan to sacrifice everything for a person that isn't willing to do the same for me.
This is me, take me or leave me because I WILL NOT change for you or be someone or something I'm not.  I have a big heart and a lot to offer, but i'm not playing anymore games and not getting beaten down by a nobody.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

♥Richard Gere♥

MARRY ME!!!! XOXOXOX ♥♥♥ lol ;)

That Guy

I'm looking for a guy that likes the stars.  A guy that likes to sit in the grass and just look at them.  I'm looking for a guy that likes to kiss after eating garlic.  A guy that likes warm weather, snuggling, long movies, and quiet staring.  I want a guy that likes to make plans spur of the moment.  A guy that always smells nice, has a big family, and likes to laugh at nothing.  A guy that loves music, and love stories, and silly games like peek-a-boo. A guy that will kiss me first thing in the morning, and right before we fall asleep.  Someone that will drive my car because I don't want to, will listen to my stories even if i've already told them once, will let me wake them up in the middle of the night because I had a nightmare and can't sleep, will kiss my tears away and make the monsters disappear.  Someone that will make me feel beautiful when I look my worst and make me feel alive when I'm feeling down.  Someone that will whisper he loves me when I'm asleep on his lap.  Someone that plays video games while I read, and lets me play with him even though I suck.  Someone that will surprise me with flowers and pick me up from school just because.  Someone that will eat my cooking even if its horrible, someone who will make me laugh when I feel like I'm about to cry.  Someone that will make my mom laugh, and my dad smile.  Someone who will play games with my brother and sister, pick on my friends, and read my blog.  The guy that will tuck me in at night, argue with me about who loves who more or about silly things just so we can talk about something and laugh.  I just want a guy that will love me like no one ever has, kiss me like he will never get another chance, touch me like I'm the only other human being on the planet, and let me love him back just as much.  I want that guy.  I want my prince charming. 

Haven't Met You Yet - Michael Buble :)

I'm not surprised,
Not everything lasts,
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in,
I talk myself out,
I get all worked up,
Then I let myself down,

I tried so very hard not to lose it;
I came up with a million excuses,
I thought I thought of every possibility,

And I know some day that it’ll all turn out,
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out,
And I promise you kid that I give so much more than I get~ mmm.......
I just haven't met you yet.

Mmmmm ....

I might have to wait,
I’ll never give up,
I guess it's half timin', and the other half's luck,
Wherever you are,
Whenever it's right,
You'll come outta nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazin',
And baby your love is gonna change me,
And now I can see every possibility, mmmmmm....

Somehow I know that it’ll all turn out,
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out,
And promise you kid, I'll give so much more than I get, mmmm....
I just haven't met you yet.

They say all’s fair
in love and war
But I won’t need to fight it,
we'll get it right an',
we'll be united

and I know that we can be so amazin',
And bein' in your life is gonna change me,
And now I can see every single possibility, mmmmmm

And someday I know it'll all turn out,
And I'll work to work it out,
Promise you kid I’ll give more than I get
Than I get, than I get, than I get.

Oh, you know it'll all turn out,
and you'll make me work so we can work to work it out,
And promise you kid to give so much more than I get, yeah
I just haven't met you yet.

I just haven't met you yet,
Oh, promise you kid,
To give so much more than I get.

I said love love love love love love love.....
I just haven't met you yet
Love love love .....
So doy day ay ay ay, ay ay yeah
I just haven't met you yet!

~I love this song.  I've had it stuck in my head. 

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Single ☺

Good Bye Knight in Shining Armor

Look at you shine, look at you glisten.
Your smile is like a drug
I breath you and take you in.
Before long i'm hipnotized by you.
Hipnotized?? no. . .blinded.
For you aren't a knight in shining armor at all.
No. . .not a knight, nor a lord, barely even a man.
You are below the peasants, the jokers. . .hell you're below the sewage.
Your horse is but an old cow.
Oh and look at this, no heart, no soul. . .nothing.
So what does that make you??. . .nothing.
I'm sorry "Knight" but you are not fit to even breath the same air as me.
You lie, you're a hipocrite, and your scared. . .you call yourself a "Knight"? 
You're not even a man, and it takes a big man to be a Knight.
Especially my Knight in Shining Armor. 
So ride away, ride away into the sunset on your cow.
I want nothing more to do with you.
Oh and, while your out please tell Prince Charming I'm waiting.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Everything I've ever wanted

Everything I want is right in front of me.  When I say everything, I MEAN EVERYTHING!! Standing in front of me, screaming in my face.  I see it. . .right there. . .why don't I reach for it and grab it?? Why do I hesitate?  Everything I've ever wanted has been waiting. . .right in front of me for over a year.  I've seen it there, sitting, waiting. . .staring at me in the face.  I've touched it, but then I run away.  Does it seem too good to be true?  Do I enjoy pain?  Why can't I make things easy on myself?  No. . .I run away and find something that is masked like everything I've ever wanted.  I take that and play with it. . .while everything I have ever wanted sits in the corner still waiting and watching. . .waiting for me to get sick of the toy I had chosen.  I always do. . .I toss it aside and everything I've ever wanted stands back up, aproaches me like I never tossed it aside, takes my hands and looks deep into my eyes. . .I never look into its eyes however.  I look away.  Like I'm afraid to face it.  Why??  So here it is. . .holding my hands, staring at me.  Telling me that it's everything I've ever wanted, and that I'm everything its ever wanted.  That its been waiting. . .only for me. . .I look into its eyes. . .and just stand there.  Toys are taunting me all around with their colors and bells. . .I could easily go and play with one of them. . .am I ready for everything I've ever wanted?? Ready to put the toys away?  I take a deep breath and. . .


Yeah. . .believe it or not Tim and I are done.  It hurts to tell the story but I will anyways.  I went to a party last weekend.  Before going I asked Tim's permission.  He said I could go and to have fun. . .Well I did just that. . .perhaps a little too much fun.  I guess I don't know my own limits like I thought I did.  I got messed up to the point where I was sitting on the couch talking to someone that wasn't there.  I don't even remember what happened that night. I know I called Tim and I was just beyond messed up.  This worried him and he didn't sleep all night.  The next morning I apologized.  Not only for worrying him and keeping him up but also for getting so messed up.  I told him I wasn't going to get that messed up at a party again unless he was there.  I said sorry. . .he was talking to me for a while and then he said he had to go.  I didn't hear from him again, and I still haven't.  This was sunday.  Well yesterday I was on myspace and I looked at his profile. . .he had been on myspace the day before.  He hadn't talked to me since around noon on sunday.  So he could go online, but he couldn't call me or return my calls or texts or anything.  So I sent him a message on myspace saying just that and that I was done.  I changed my relationship statuses reluctantly as well as my default pictures of us together.  I made our break up "facebook official."  It hurt.  I was more angry that he couldn't bother to tell me we were done, or say he just didn't want to talk to me right now, or anything.  Well I went to go visit my grandma and when I got home he had also changed his relationship status and his picture.  He made it very obvious that he was ignoring me.  I thought he was more mature than that. . .I thought he would say something if he didn't want to be with me. . .or tell me what was going on at least, but I was wrong.  I still haven't heard from him even now that we're broken up.  His mom called me this morning and told me what happened.  She said he was upset about me getting so messed up at the party.  He didn't want to have to worry about me when I go to college and what not while he is busy in the military.  He also doesn't want to stop me from having fun.  Evidently he is still upset, but I don't know about what.  That is why he won't talk to me. . .I asked him permission to go to that party, he said yes, i apologized for getting so messed up and said I wouldn't do that again with out him being here, he told me not to apologize, I was willing to wait here while he was off in Korea or Afghanistan risking his life while I worry and cry EVERY FREAKING NIGHT. . .I was willing to sacrifice everything. . .pretty much my entire life for him.  He wasn't willing to do the same.  So I'm glad.  I'm glad we broke up in that case because 1. he obviously doesn't love me enough for me to spend the rest of my life with him. 2. he plays the "ignoring" game.  3. I'm free now.  I'm not longer tied down the army wife relationship that I was willing to do.  I don't have to do that now.  Now I can find myself a man that will appreciate me and everything I do and not make me sacrifice so much.  I can have a normal marriage to a man that is here.  I can have the wedding I wanted.  So, although it hurts, the break up is more than likely for the best.  Did I love him?  More than I can put into words.  Do I still? I probably always will because thats just how I am.  I still believe we had something special.  He was special to me.  I loved him, but I think. . .in the back of my mind. . .I knew it wasn't going to work out.  I couldn't talk to him. . .he got angry at the littlest of things and he told his family EVERYTHING I told him.  I was lonely and depressed always. . .so its probably for the best.  It hurts still, I still cry and miss him. . .but I'm going to be okay.  Just have to continue my search for the real "one".