Wednesday, September 30, 2009

My Teachers

Well this is a critique/review of my current teachers in order of period.

Mr. Carey- he is my first period geology teacher.  I love Mr. Carey SOOO much.  I hate earth science, its not an interest of mine at all really, but he makes it so interesting and I just learn so well from him.  I love his personality and I just love him.  Thats why I made a Mr. Carey Fan club on Facebook (check it out).  I think he gets angry kind of easily about some things, but no one is perfect.  I just don't understand why that man never got married, he is awesome! I understand why he never had kids because I don't think he could deal with a crying toddler, but overall he is just awesome and an amazing teacher.  I could learn anything from him and be interested.

Ms.  Yaddaw- she is my english teacher that is filling in for my real english teacher because she had a baby.  Ms. Yaddaw is amazing too, she is a really good teacher, its like she was born to do this.  I learn very well from her too.  I think her assignment about her philosophy on teaching caused me to have a lot of respect for her and I've been talking to her a lot recently about my dilema mentioned below.  She has a very modern way of thinking about literature and its nice.  I like her approach and her interesting sense of humor. 

Mrs. Countryman- she is my precalc teacher.  Its kind of difficult for me to jump from my first year of math b to pre calc but i'm dealing.  I don't totally like being in a class full of juniors, but you know. . .its better than freshmen.  I do like Mrs. Countryman however, but I think I learn better when I ask her for help than when she is teaching to the entire class and that may be my fault due to my attitude, but she is very upbeat for a little woman lol.

Mr. Waterson- I've had Mr. Waterson 3 years in a row for outdoor activities and he is amazing.  People don't always realize this but he does care a lot about his students and enjoys what he does.  He makes my day when I have him because he is so funny and laid back. 

Mr. Milman- I have had mr. Milman for 7 years now and I love him more and more with every year.  I love how he teaches and his personality.  He is so clumsy it just adds to the humor.  I love how laid back his class is and how its just a stress relief more so than stressful. 

MRS. Yonteff - I haven't had her as a teacher before but she was the music director for one of our drama club performances.  The class is much more than just standing up and singing and she makes it very professional and has gained the respect of her students which is hard for newer teachers.

Mr. Satola- well i'm not sure if i'm spelling that right or not, but I do like this particular teacher because he makes me laugh and thats pretty much it.  I'm not a big fan of history or anything that goes along with it, but he makes me laugh and he makes the class fun at times.  He can't help that he teachs a boring subject.  He does get kind of angry easily so i'll do my best to stay on his good side. . .

Ms. Greg- she is a student teacher for Ms. Evans and she teaches Marketing.  The class itself is a drag and I feel like I'm in elementary school but she doesn't really get to decide on what to do so she really can't be blamed for it.  She is really cute and tiny and funny and I like talking to her.  I think she is going to be an awesome teacher in the future and she is bringing us icecream tomorrow to bribe us so that we're good when her supervisor comes so thats pretty cool too because i'd probably do the same thing.

Mr. Schoff- Okay, well I think this year, he is my favorite teacher.  Mainly because he isn't my teacher, he's my study hall teacher.  He is new this year to our district and let me just say that I love him to death!!! He is so nice and laid back and its really refreshing to have him the last period of the day.  He unwillingly lets me express myself by drawing all over his chalk board and talk loudly.  The poor guy. . .he's got to be broken in somehow and I'm the perfect one to do it!! But he's really cool and puts up with me and I really enjoy talking to him.  Seriously, 11th period is my favorite period of the day!!! ☺Mr. Schoff☺ aka Mr. Schoof :D

well thats it for now, as the school year continues I will probably update this, but until then I am overall happy with all my teachers this year and glad to have them.  ♥♥

My Major

Well in the past few weeks I've been thinking constantly and stressing myself out terribly about my major for college.  I've known since I was in the 7th grade that I wanted to be a psychologist.  I want to help people, thats all I want to do and all I've ever wanted to do.  I want to impact someones life, and teach someone something of importance.  I want to be there for people like me, because I think I have a lot to offer and a lot to teach about life and challenges we are faced with.  Recently however, I've been thinking that being a psychologist isn't the way to go to do all of this because I mainly want to help people my age right now and adolescence don't like the thought of going to a shrink.  They think that you have to be nuts if you go to see a psychologist and they aren't as likely to open up to someone that they don't really know.  So instead of being a psychologist I've been thinking about being a teacher because I could form a better relationship with my students so that they feel comfortable coming to me with their problems and I can still go about helping, teaching, and impacting their lives in the way that I want.  I feel very close to a lot of my teachers and I know that I can go to a lot of them with any problems that I have and I am very comfortable with that, and I know my friends feel the same way.  In the beginning of the school year, my current english teacher that is filling in for my real english teacher gave us an assignment about her philosophy on teaching and it had an impact on me and I really liked it, and so far this year she has taught and had such an attitude that makes me want to be a teacher like her.  This truely stresses me out however because I hate not being sure about what I want to do, I'm a very driven individual and I just feel awful not knowing what I really want to do.  I DO NOT want to get to college without having a clear idea of what I want to major in and I'm scared to death of changing my major, I'm not sure why its such a big deal to me, but I really just don't want to do it.  I want to go in knowing exactly what I want and what I want to do and succeed in it and love it.  I don't want to change my mind 5 times and not know what I want to do.  So this is the dilema I'm faced with right now and I've been talking to a lot of my teachers about it, so we'll see. . .I'll keep you updated. 

Monday, September 28, 2009

I Shall Hence Forth Be Known As. . .

Jocelyn Marisa Oeser :D, well I finally got adopted.  The process that has taken so much time and stress is finally over.  I am officially an Oeser and now I get to party :D The only bad part now is changing my name EVERYWHERE and getting used to it. When the judge said that it was over I almost cried, but then he gave me cookies so I didn't.  The cookies were very good by the way, I think that usually younger kids get adopted so he always gives them cookies, but he gave me some too, it made me laugh.  My signature looks horrible and I'm not used to calling Gary dad yet, but oh well, I will get used to it sooner or later.  What will happen is I will finally get used to it and then I will get married.  Oh well, thats just my luck.  :D

Thursday, September 24, 2009

My Nightmare

So, those of you who know me know that I have nightmares like several times a week.  Well the other night I had another one of those nightmare.  I dreamed that my friend Laura moved into my cousins house (the one that passed away) and I went over to visit her.  We were up in what used to be my cousins room, a room that she and I have a lot of memories in and all the furniture was pretty much the same and it all just looked like. . .her room.  Then Laura asked me if I was okay being in that room, or if it bothered me, and as soon as she asked that question I couldn't speak and there was a very sharp pain in my neck and chest.  Thats all I remember.  Its just so frustrating having these nightmares all the time because memories just being brought back and pain keeps coming to the surface.  Thats all I really have to say, I just thought I would share that with you.  

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

My Plants :D

Aren't they beautiful!!!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


Well this years fall show is called "Rumors" and let me just say it is HILIARIOUS!!!! We had a read through yesterday and it was just amazing. Its nice to have a small cast for this one. All the characters are paired off and we each of such diverse and strong characters. The play is about this guy Charlie who is throwing an anniversary party with his wife. Charlie and his wife Myra are both very wealthy and well known people in the community. Their guests at the party are also very wealthy and are all very stereotypical rich people. Well when the first couple arrives at the party Myra and the help are missing and Charlie is hopped up on Valium and find him bleeding because he was shot in the ear. They suspect that he tried to kill himself so they try to keep in on the DL so they don't ruin his reputation with an attempted suicide. So as more guests arrive they tell lies to protect Charlie, but everyone suspects something is going on so rumors begin to get spread, hence the title. Welle eventually all the guests find out that Myra is missing and the help are gone. They also find out that Charlie may have tried to kill himself. Its a really funny play and all of you that are able to come see it, I believe its like the 2nd or 3rd week in November, but I'll update you when I know more. But it is soo funny and we have a great cast. So thumbs up to Ms. Ells for selecting an awesome show!!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Friends :D

I dedicate this blog to my friends. I love you guys, every one of you so much and you have all been there for me when I have needed you the most. You were there when Jessie died, and when I've gotten my heart broken. You were there when I just wanted to vent and rant. You were there through all of my rediculous stories and adventures. Most of all, you've put up with me :D. So this is to you guys.
I love my friends very much. Friends are what make life worth living. They make the bad times good and the good times better. I've made some poor choices in friendship in the past, but I am very happy with the friends I have now. I love the times we have spent together, the memories, the laughs, the tears, everything. I love the stories, the silly break ups, our mistakes, and everything we have shared these last few years. So to Cassie, Gabby, Laura, Ashley, Laura, Matt, Chris, Russ, Garrett, Kelly, Brianna, Joanna, Kris, Jon, John, Nick, Marco, Sarah, Creighton, Melissa, Breezy, Donjeta, Mary, Lexi, Jessica, CC, Ciera, Chelsea, Tina, Courtney, Justin (tiny), Albanna, Adam, David, Mark, Rocky, CJ, Josh, Aaron, Andrew, Ari, Brandon, Cyndi, James, Joe, Alex, Larry, Lance and everyone else that I can't seem to think up right now cuz I'm sick and not totally there, this is to you. I love you guys. ♥♥♥


So I have a lot of very strange dreams and those of you who I talk to frequently or have sat at my lunch table know exactly what I am talking about. Frequently I have had a lot of nightmares, at least 1 or 2 a week. They are usually all about Chris dying in a car accident. There has only been one occasion where he has died in any other way and in that one he died because he had a seizure. My most memorable nightmare was that I was driving in a different vehical than him and we collided head on. I saw his face just before I hit him and he died on impact. In my dream I went insane because of this. . .I woke up and began crying and I almost couldn't collect myself enought to go to school. I know that I have these dreams because I lost my cousin. They may also be because when I was 10 I watched my grandfather die and when I was like 13 or 14 I watched a man die on the side of the road from a heroin over dose. I know its mainly because of my cousin because that effected me the most.

I've had dreams about my cousin too. After the accident I had frequent dreams about the accident. I saw her face and I saw her close her eyes. I saw things that I don't really want to go into detail about, but that was what I dreamed. Then after a few months went by I started just dreaming about her. Like we would talk and hang out like we would before she passed away. We would play games and giggle. . .Part of me wonders if it was really her. Like she was coming to me in my dreams to make me feel better. I would always cry when I woke up because I would miss her, but I liked the dreams that I had. I wonder if that was her way of communicating with me. I believe that spirits and ghosts are there with us. I don't know if they are always there, or if its just a part of their soul that stays behind or what, but I do believe that they are there. They are just on a different level than us and thats why we can't see them or communicate with them (most of us anyways. Mediums are on a different level too) but I think they find ways of communicating with us, like my dreams for example. I wonder if that was her. I have had dreams in the past that have come true, I've dreamed of people before meeting them and dreamed of things happening before they do. So if I can do that, why can't the dead come to me in my dreams. I believe that dreams are more than just our subconscious. Maybe when we dream we travel to a different world or a different dimension. Dreaming to me is very intersting. We close our eyes and drift away to a place where anything can be real. . .it fascinates me. These are just a few more of my thoughts. . .


First I would like to say that posting on my blog has changed. . .and I'm not sure why. I'm not sure if it will look different to you but it looks different to me. The font and all that is changed and even my setup is different. . .anyways, sorry for my bout of ADD there. This blog is about choices. As I am getting older I am forced to make a lot of my own choices like not only what to wear today, but what do I want to do with the rest of my life? Who do I want to be friends with? Where do I want to go to college? Where do I want to live? Who do I want to be with? Who am I? I am faced every day with more and more choices that I have to make and a lot of them will effect the rest of my life. I'm doing the best I can to foresee the future out comes of all my decisions, but its not easy. (Especially because my frontal lobe isn't developed) I understand that with each decision comes a consequence, and those consequences can be both good and/or bad. I have made decisions which have had both types of consequences and some of the decisions I have made I am not proud of, but I don't really regret any of them because they have lead me to where I am now and I'm happy with that. Some decisions I am being faced with now are difficult for me to deal with. What if every choice I am given, no matter what I choose, hurts someone in someway. What if, even though I'm okay and I'm happy, someone else isn't. Or what if I make everyone else happy, but I'm not. What do I do there? The last thing I want to do is upset someone or hurt someone. I know what pain feels like, I've been hurt a lot in my life time and if I can save someone from feeling any sort of pain I will. I'm sorry for being so vague, I just can't really go into detail at the present time. What I'm saying though, is that no matter what, at some point we all have to make decisions that are going to hurt someone, whether it be you or someone around you. For example, when I made my decision to have Gary adopt me, my fathers parents (my grandparents) we're upset by this decision. I still feel that I made the right decision, but I did have to deal with the consequences and they weren't so nice. There was no way of avoiding that. I try to think before every decision I make, but some times, when things get to be too much, I choose to play it safe. I make decisions that just make everything easier even if they're not the best. Is that wrong? How do you know if you've made a wrong decision if someone, somewhere benefits? Have you made a wrong decision if no one benefits? Is it a right decision if everyone around you is happy when you aren't? This goes back to what is right and what is wrong. What if I feel like I am doing some thing right, and so do other people, but the people surrounding me that are most involved in my life believe its wrong. . .is it really wrong? I honestly hate it when I don't have the support from my friends and family. I've had to deal with that with my choices in religion and my beliefs, my support of gay marriage and their rights, my self expression, and the guys that I have dated. I feel very strongly about certain things such as my religion and I know that a lot of people disagree with me, but I do feel that it is the right decision. How do I know if it really is? Is believing in myself enough? I will leave it at that and let you ponder a bit. This is just something that was running through my mind today while walking through the halls of high school. This is my last year there so I have a lot of decisions facing me right now.

Monday, September 14, 2009

R.I.P Patrick Swayze

Well I just heard the devistating news that Patrick Swayze died.  For those of you who know me, the movie Too Wong Foo Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar was the MAP Party BIBLE!!   I also loved him in Ghost and Dirty Dancing.  He was beyond sexy and truly a mans man.  He died at the age of 57 of pancreatic cancer.  He was an amazing actor, singer, and a songwriter and will be missed especially by all these ladies that loved him.  This is a tribute to him. 

This is honestly the best I could get for Dirty Dancing

RIP Patrick Swayze :(

The Adoption

Well the adoption is finally coming to a close.  All we have left is the court date on Sept 28th.  This is the day that I get my last name changed and accept Gary as my father.  I am really excited but at the same time I feel a little weird.  I keep thinking about calling him "Dad." I mean, I call him dad to everyone else, like I say "my dad" or something to that extent, but when I talk to him I don't call him dad.  I know that he really is my father because he has raised me since I was 5 years old and he has been there when my real father wasn't.  I know this really shouldn't be a big deal, but it does make me feel weird.  I still don't know how I'm going to go about doing it either. . .idk. . .thinking about it makes me nervous.  Anyways I'm getting my last name changed to Oeser, which means I need a new license, SS card, birth certificate, EVERYTHING.  I think when I get my new license I am going to get the "enhanced" license lol.  Then we are going to have a BIG party with beer pong and stump lol!! I like parties, especially big ones, they're fun.  I'm very happy about becoming an Oeser because honestly, thats the family I feel the closest to.  I see at least one of them EVERYDAY!! and I like it.  I am happy with my decision.  I will update more probably on Sept 29th lol.   

The Visit II

Last week I went to visit the love of my life at college again.  He helped me with my homework. . .(Tom helped me as well), we laid in bed and cuddled, called "hat" (for two very short period lmao ♥♥), took 2 walks, played silly video games with his roommates, and talked.  I have to say I don't hate Paul anymore, I don't "love" Paul either for that matter.  I think his personality is different than what I am used to and he doesn't really intend for MOST of what he says to be taken literally.  He actually helped out a lot with the break up and what not, he may be an asshole, but he's not all bad.  Darling is still my favorite.  He is quiet and nice and he doesn't believe he has an accent but I SWEAR HE DOES!!! lol  Tom is also kind of quiet, maybe he isn't searching to just fit in and follow the crowd.  My honest opinion is that he hates to argue in get in the middle of drama and thats why he sometimes just goes alone with what other people say.  That or he just doesn't really care, but I still like him too especially because he helped me with my homework, but I find it funny that he doesn't have his license.  Silly Tom.  I did finally meet James in this visit and I spoke to him briefly.  He doesn't really say much, but he loves video games just like every other nerd in that freaking dorm.  He seemed pretty nice and level headed to me and he actually does his laundry unlike my lovely boyfriend.  Well anyways, as I was leaving I asked chris if he would mind helping me find my way to the thru way because I had never made it out of there myself.  So he said yes with a huff.  We got into an arguement because he made me feel guilty about asking him for help.  For those of you who don't know, I hate driving.  I am petrified of driving especially places that I don't know all that well.  So I actually started to cry because he was being a jerk and giving me attitude and I was sincerely scared about getting lost in Utica.  Then he got even more upset when I started to cry.  So I told him if he was going to be an ass I would find my own way home, but he insisted.  So he went off to his car to help me get home.  I ended up finding a sign that said 90, which is how I had to get home and I took a different route.  I didn't realize that wasn't the way I was supposed to go because chris said he would take me to the first sign and that WAS the first sign.  So he got mad at me about that and then called me back a few minutes later freaking out because during our argument he left his wallet on top of my car.  It wasn't on top of my car when I got home and he searched EVERYWHERE for it, but didn't find it.  I felt guilty, but he didn't blame me.  I took him out for pizza the next day anyways because he had gotten really stressed out and upset about it.  So I tried to make it better.  He was okay for the rest of the weekend.  

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Not single anymore, but still vain! :D

What do you think???


Well my last, first day of highschool starts tomorrow.  Yay. . .(sarcasm).  I am happy to be a senior, and happy this is my last year, but really its not.  I have 5+ years left of school after this year.  Not to mention I am just sooo ready for this to be over.  I haven't even started school yet and I'm already counting the days to christmas vacation.  Why am I not excited?  I think this year will be great and all, lots of friends, great classes, I love all of my teachers, I'm a senior. . .idk.  I've visited all but one of the colleges on my list and 3 of them I'm going to apply to so far.  It will be 4 if I like this last one.  These are my choices in order:

1. Long Island University C.W Post
2. SUNY Stony Brook
3. SUNY Fredonia

the last school I have to visit is SUNY Oswego so perhaps that will be somewhere on that list too.  I plan to major in psychology and minor in theatre.  I don't know why I can't just be simple and have one major and just stop at my bachelors, but nooo, I have to get my masters and maybe even my doctorate.  Oh well.  I'm done ranting.

The OTHER Confusing Situation

Well, as you all know Chris and I broke up a little over a week ago.  If you had read my previous blogs you know that it was a hard break up and our friendship also went down the tubes.  If you don't already know all of this I suggest you read my blogs starting with "The Fair" to get yourself updated because if you don't you will not understand this blog at all.  Well. . .even if you had read those blogs you may not understand this one.  I'm still confused myself.  Well lets see. . .the other night Chris and I were talking, he was still begging me to be his friend and telling me how miserable he was, and I was still shouting "I DON'T CARE!!!" But when his roommate expressed to me that Chris may not really be over me like I thought I decided to cool it a little.  I believed that because he was the one that broke up with me because he didn't have feelings for me, and then told me that he never did love me, he was going to handle this just fine and get over me really fast.  It confused me that he got upset when he found out I was seeing other guys and begged for my friendship.  But I guess his roommate was right, Chris wasn't over me.  So I decided if that was the case then I wouldn't make the situation harder on him and I would be civil.  So we started talking on aim for a while about different things and it was good.  It was nice to talk to him.  Then we started talking on the phone.  Well we ended up talking for like 4-5 hours.  We talked about our relationship and the break up and he made me realize that I had done things in our relationship that hurt him as well.  He didn't like to tell me what was bothering him so I never really knew when he was hurting or feeling a certain way, but I didn't always make it easy for him to tell me.  It was always on my terms, I would listen when I wanted to and have him tell me when I wanted him too.  That was wrong.  I didn't really realize what I had done until the other night, but if I had thought about it earlier I would have realized it.  So I apologized for having done that.  I hadn't realized how much he had put up with while dating me and I didn't appreciate it until now and I made sure to tell him that.  But its hard for me to know what is bothering him when he doesn't tell me.  There were a lot of times when I would ask for hours what was bothering him and beg to talk about it and he just wouldn't.  We were both at fault.  That doesn't make what he did any better though.  He did still break my heart and lied a lot.  He admitted to me during our conversation that he did love me and always had.   He said that he told me he hadn't so that I would lose hope in getting back together.  He said he was very much confused and he's not even sure why he broke up with me.  He was overwhelmed and confused so he acted with out really thinking about it.  I understand confusion, but what he did. . .idk.  He purposely hurt me, he made me cry, he broke my heart, he made me believe our entire relationship was nothing more than a lie and something for him to do.  Then he changes his mind and tells me that he loves me and all of that was a lie.  So what was the lie? What was true? What am I supposed to believe? Then I asked him if he wanted me back and he said yes.    Can you say whiplash??? I didn't know what to think.  So I told him that we could start over From the beginning.  We could go on our first date again and see where it goes.  I told him that we could start seeing each other, but I was going to keep my dates with other people.  We weren't together yet, but we would be sooner or later.  I told him I didn't trust him and that he needed to figure out what he really wanted.  I told him that if he really did love me and if I was what he REALLY wanted he would have to prove it to me.  He said he was willing to do that.  He said I was the one he loved and the one he wanted.  So I gave him a chance.  We went to the Fonda Fair for our "first date."  He paid for everything and did all he could to make sure I was happy, just like he has always done.  We went on rides, and he won me 7 stuffed animals that I got to carry around all day.  Then at the end of the night, he drove me home and walked me to the door and we shared our "first kiss." His effort was flattering.  He made me very happy that night and even gave me butterflies.  Then he went home and went back to college the next day, but ended up having to come back because my computer had gotten a virus and was destroying itself!!  So he came back and played hero and saved me :D, then he went home again and came back this weekend to see me, take me out to dinner, spend time together.  He asked me out the other night while he was holding me close in my room.  I had no choice but to say yes.  I do love him very much and always have.  I am scared that the reason he wants me back is because he is once again sad, bored, and lonely and he got jealous that I was doing just fine with out him.  I am scared that this is going to happen again.  I'm scared of his intentions and his ability to hurt me, but I trust him.  If he says he won't then I just have to believe him.  I can't go the rest of my life being afraid because any guy could do the samething to me.  But I told him that if he does decide to do this to me again we will be done.  I will not speak to him, I will block him on every device possible and he will be sooo done.  I won't forgive him again.  I'm giving him another chance and its up to him how he is going to take it.  There will not be a next time.  Until then, we are back together and I love him and he swears left and right that he loves me more than anything.  We will see.  Wish me luck. 

The Adoption Lady

The lady for the Adoption did finally show up the other day.  She looked around our house, and spoke to my mom, Gary, and me.  She asked me a bunch of questions about growing up with Gary and made sure it was all my decision to have him adopt me, and not my mother or someone else trying to force me into it.  Then she asked my mom questions about work and how long she has been with Gary and a bunch of personal stuff like that.  She seemed pretty nice despite her unprofessionalism we experienced in the past.  Then she told us she was going to recommend the adoption to the court and write up a report.  She said that all that was left now was the court date and then I'm officially adopted.  I guess they make it look like there was never an adoption.  They make it seem like Gary was always my father.  I have to get a new social security card, license, birth certificate, EVERYTHING.  Its been a long process, but it is finally coming to a close.  :D

Friday, September 4, 2009

The Single Me

All I can really say is the "Single Me" sucks.  I haven't been single since early December and I'm far from used to it.  I've been out a few times since Chris broke up with me and it all feels so weird.  I'm not used to starting from the beginning again and getting to know someone and flirting and playing hard to get and what not.  Its not fun at all.  I don't want to come across as to clingy or like I'm pushing someone away but I sincerely have no clue what I'm doing anymore!! Not to mention I have no clue how to feel about anything.  Right now my heart is covered in lead and surrounded by a fence guarded by raptors and the raptors are surrounded by a mote filled with sharks.  So yeah. . .its not really easy to get in there right now.  I feel almost numb.  I mean, I have feelings for people, I feel happy and what not. . .but its different.  I can't feel pain right now. . .I don't feel especially good, but I can feel okay.  You could murder my bestfriend and I'm not sure I would feel it.  I mean, this is what I asked for, never to feel pain again, but I'm a little concerned about this.  I'm not sure exactly what I'm feeling.  I know I feel strong for getting over him like I did.  I feel scared of letting someone in and letting them hurt me again.  I'm scared that I'm going to push people away due to my fear.  Maybe I started dating too fast but everyone was encouraging me so much to move on. . .maybe I took that a little too literally and started too fast.  Maybe I need to just stop and think for a little while and figure things out for myself.  I have no idea whats going on.  If you're reading this I'm sure you've noticed that even my thoughts are all over the place.  I wish I could see the future because then I wouldn't make mistakes.  I would know what is going to happen.  I don't regret anything that I've done in the past because I've learned (the hard way) from everything I've done, but I'd really like to stop doing that.  I'd really like to sail through the rest of life happily with minor speed bumps.  Here I go off on a tangent. . .back to dating.  I do enjoy it.  I like the attention and I like the feeling I get when I'm with certain people.  I like knowing that people are attracted to me.  I'm just not sure what I'm doing right now.  *sigh* "Passion. . .Confusion. . .Pain. . .Torture. . .and Love. . .and Hate"~Matt Soto (yes, from Nonagon)

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Very Inspiring Words

I don't need your sympathy
There's nothing you can say or do for me
And I don't want a miracle
You'll never change for no-one
And I hear your reasons why
Where did you sleep last night?
And was she worth it, was she worth it?

Cause I'm strong enough to live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough, now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go
There's no more to say
So save your breath and walk away
No matter what I hear you say
I'm strong enough to know you gotta go

So you feel misunderstood
Baby have I got news for you
On being used, I could write a book
But you don't wanna hear about it
Cause I've been losing sleep
And you've been going cheap
And she ain't worth half of me, it's true
Now I'm telling you

That I'm strong enough to live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough, now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go

Come hell or waters high
You'll never see me cry
This is our last goodbye, it's true
I'm telling you
Now I'm strong enough to live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough, now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go
There's no more to say
So save your breath and walk away
No matter what I hear you say
I'm strong enough to know you gotta go  

Goodbye Chris

Well if you have read my last few blogs you know that Chris and I broke up, things were doing okay with me and him as "friends" but that all went to hell last night.  After sending him the letter that you can read below, which I admit was a bit harsh, but for the things he said to me, I dont think it was that bad.  If he can be honest and tell me how he feels while forgetting my feelings I can do the samething.  After reading it he still messaged me and continued to talk to me.  I was fine with that.  I told him he couldn't hurt me anymore and that he meant nothing to me anymore.  I told him he had destroyed all feelings I had for him, and I had forgiven him for what he did so I had no feelings of anger, saddness, or hate, nor did I have feelings of affection.  I told him I was starting to see some of his true colors and that wasn't the type of guy I wanted to be with or have anything to do with.  He kept asking me why I hated him and why I was saying these things,  I told him that I didn't hate him at all.  I didn't want to be on an emotional rollercoaster anymore.  I didn't want him to keep giving me false hope and toying with my emotions.  I wasn't going to let him be in a position to hurt me anymore, I'm done getting hurt.  He told me that he still wanted to be friends, and I told him i honestly didn't think I wanted to be anymore.  He was shocked, he couldn't believe I had the balls to finally say this.  I've never been able to stand up to anyone like this.  I've never been able to just say I'm done and I don't want anything more to do with you.  All my life I've wanted to stand up to my father, but I was never able to.  I've never been able to really let go of things all that well.  Even when I was a child and I would catch bugs and catterpillers I never wanted anyone to take them away from me.  I wanted to keep them in my jar until they died and then I would cry.  I would cry and throw a fit when someone would try to take something like that away from me.  I'm not sure why I've never been good at letting go, but I let go of Chris.  I do feel a lot better now.  I do appologize if I hurt him, that wasn't my intent.  I may have been a little harsh in the way that I worded certain things, but I think they were all things he needed to hear and he was doing the samething to me.  I can admit when I'm wrong, and he can't without getting really upset about it.  I do feel bad because he was saying that he didn't have any friends or anyone that is there for him, and I was the only person really there, but he pushed me away and I'm not going to be there if he is going to treat me like crap and hurt me.  So I'm sorry Chris if I hurt you at all, that wasn't my intent, but I have moved on and you need to just do the same.  :D


After seeing my last couple posts I realized that I have left some things out.  I cannot go on and let you think that I have been perfect.  I have been far from it.  While Chris and I were together I did make a lot of mistakes.  I'm not perfect and I'm still learning, but the break up and all of this wasn't all of his fault.  I will admit that I did NOT do as much for him as he did for me in the relationship.  We both had different ways of showing affection and in his eyes my way of doing it didn't equal his.  I didn't drive out to see him nearly as much as he drove to see me and I could have done it more.  We only lived 15 mintues away but that was no excuse.  The truth is I HATE DRIVING!! So I did leave that up to him to pay for the gas and do all the traveling and I admit that was wrong.  Towards the end I did admit that and I tried to drive to him more, but it was too late.  My way of showing affection was being there when he needed me, holding him at night, telling him I loved him, spending time with him, and sending him cute messages online.  His was taking me out, buying me things and doing things in that manner.  I didn't do that sort of thing as much and I probably should have just to say thank you and show that I cared.  Once again, I did it more towards the end, but it was too late.  I'm also the type of person that gets stressed out easily and I don't deal with it well.  This is the one that I feel the worst about.  I did take a lot out on him.  When I got angry or upset, or stressed out he was the one that heard about it and had to deal with it.  I tried to appologize when ever it would happen but that wasn't enough.  He always put up with it and dealt with it, and he shouldn't have had to.  I shouldn't have taken it out on him and been such a B-word.  I wasn't perfect and these are the things that I did do in our relationship that I take responsibilty for.  I tried to appologize for everything I did because I knew I did it, but it was either too late or not enough. 

Inspiring words from another friend

"ya i dont blame u....but believe me from pictures ive seen, things u wrote, u rly r everything i want. ur not perfect u dont live the perfect princess life but ur strong and u know whats important uk when to hold grudges when to let ur pride fall to the wayside, u genuinely care about ppl no matter what, i dont think i could ever be as strong as u from what i read. i want someone that will actually truly love me and that will open there heart to me and trust me to never break it....ive had so many relationships with girls that always have someone on the side just incase someone that everything that they did for me always had a reason for it and i want someone that will do something for me just when u made him that video about how u loved him and missed him....thats exactly what i would die for....i havnt dealt with family issues like u have but i put up with bullshit relationships that i thought were everything i thought i wanted....i want a girl that will miss me just as much as i miss them.."

This was written to me from another friend of mine.  This really made me smile and brought tears to my eyes.  Just for an update: I found out chris has been reading my emails and got all upset because I was talking to other guys and was doing so well.  He is very jealous that I have all my friends and family here supporting me and he is alone.  He feels that he has no one and when I tried to be there for him he attacked me.  He told me he felt that I did nothing for him in our entire relationship and pretty much said I was a horrible girlfriend.  He can feel however he wants.  He tried to bring me down and make me feel bad, but I didn't let him. Instead, I thought about it and then wrote him a letter saying : "well i've decided i'm not going to be a push over. i'm going to tell you what i think and how i feel and i dont care what you think or do. go ahead and delete me from my friends and block me on aim, you will just be even more alone. chris you are selfish, you are the only one that matters. you're the type of person that will do something for someone only if you get something in return. you don't appreciate just doing something for someone just because. in fact you dont care about other people at all, its all about you. you want me to be hurting right now because you are. you hate it that i have so many friends and family that are there for me and love me and you're left alone. do you know why you are alone chris? because u push everyone away. you dont care about other people so why would they want to care about u? you have an unapproachable personality. Seriously, no one can make you happy. your father says the same thing. nothing anyone does for you will make you happy, you always want more, its never enough. You didn't care that i was here missing you before we broke up. You didn't care that I wanted to talk to u and I was up waiting al the time. You knew how I felt and you didn't care, you just wanted to have fun. Well it looks like the fun is over and where are you? you are alone. You don't have me anymore to waste your time and to make you feel better about yourself. You don't have anyone but yourself and that is all you will have until you grow up and learn its not all about you. You're a very depressing person and you brought me down a lot. You ruined every event that should have been fun for the both of us. You ruined a lot of things for me but I just let it go, I always just let it go. I'm not letting it go now chris. Chris you broke my heart into pieces and then just kept letting me have it until I couldn' ttake anymore. And then I when i was doing better and starting to see other people you got jealous and decided to try to hurt me. Well you didn't hurt me. I dont care chris. I never hurt u nearly as much as you hurt me. You're pathedic for reading my emails. Thats what you do because your bored? You should be ashamed of yourself. Well I hope you are enjoying your self pity. I'm over you chris and I dont care if you never want to speak to me again. Honestly, I think I feel better now than I did the entire time we were together. No more stress. I can do what I want when I want and so can you. I'm still not blocking you or deleting you because when you realize how much of an ass you are, i'm here for you to appologize, and if you don't i'm still okay with that. I dont care what happens to you chris. I ACTUALLY AND SINCERLY DON'T CARE ANYMORE!! I have soo many people that love me and if you dont, well you're just one person. Have a great life if I dont talk to you again and I do wish you the best."

It may have been a bit harsh, but I was really upset and that truely was how I felt.  If he can try to beat me down and hurt me then I can be honest and tell him what I think and how I feel.