My Birthday

Mood: Happy :) 

Weather: Winter in NY

I am officially 20 years old and no longer a teenager.  As the years pass, my birthdays are meaning less and becoming less significant.  Perhaps I'll feel differently next year ;)  I'm not sure if I had mentioned this on here before, but CJ's birthday was the day before mine and he is now 22.  I made my first meatloaf for his birthday and it came out great :)  We spent the weekend with our friends and family and its been great :) 

Jessie's 21st Birthday

I'm a little late posting about this, seeing as her birthday was on January 4th, but I didn't know what to say.  Cj, Cyndi, and I went to the cemetery, like I normally do, to celebrate her birthday.  We were only there a few minutes before another car pulled up behind us. . .and it was her mother.  I hadn't seen Lori since the funeral, and had only spoken to her maybe twice since.  It was awkward.  I was embarrassed.  There were so many things I wanted to say, but couldn't.  I didn't know what to say or do, so we just left.  I hugged her and said hello, but that was all I could really manage.  It was painful, though I'm not completely sure why.  Perhaps it just stirred up some old feelings.  I haven't posted about this yet because I still don't know what to say other than it was an awkward and painful experience that I wish I could go back and redo.
I can't believe Jessie would have been 21. . .in my memory she will always be 16.  I wish she was still here for us to celebrate our birthdays' together like we did when we were little.  I miss you Jess.  RIP. 1/4/91-11/06/07

Just Kiss Me

Wait a second. 

Don't speak.

For words are always all wrong.

Close your eyes.

They deceive you.

Wait a minute.

Don't touch me.

I might die if you do.

My heart skips beats,

And I can't seem to breath.

Stay the night.

I couldn't stand for you to leave.

Not again.  

Don't think.

It only makes things harder.

Shh.  Just kiss me.

One more week, 

That's all I ask for.  

Listen to your heart.

It knows I love you.

Mine told me your secret too.

A month,

A year,

A decade.

I'll wait.

Just let me feel your heart as it skips a beat.

Hold me, when you take my breath away.

And please, just kiss me.

The Journey To Me: My Body Part II

Just to give you an idea of that video I was telling you about.  (I did not make this video, I found it on youtube)

The Journey To Me: My Body

Mood: Energized

Weather: Probably cold

Something that is very hard to talk about is my body.  I am very self conscious about my appearance to others and a lot of the time I don't feel beautiful because I don't like my body.  I have struggled with my weight all my life and honestly now I think that I felt embarrassed to be dieting and exercising. . .like it meant acknowledging I have a "problem."  But I guess I do.  Not to mention I have asthma so when I did finally decide to run, I couldn't breath after about 5 minutes, which embarrassed me even more.  I didn't make any new years resolutions really, just to make this the best year yet and to have a year worth living.  I've decided I don't want to do it in this body anymore.  So I've decided to start a diet and an exercise program, which are two of my least favorite words!  This morning I got up at 8 (On a Saturday!!!) and found a cardio video on netflix.  Its some Crunch: CardioSalsa video or something like that.  I started out with 10 crunches (wow its been a while) and then did 15 minutes of the video, which was basically me repeating the first 5 minutes 3 times because by that time I could no longer keep up with the synchronized steps.  Jesus, if you thought Latino's talked fast, you should see them salsa O.O  I think I'm going to try to do this every other day for a while and eventually do more and more time.  My goal is to drop 2 pants sizes, and once I do that I will buy myself a gym membership.  I don't want to buy the membership and never go again so this is sort of a way for me to prove to myself I'm serious.  Please wish me luck and I can use all the encouragement, prayers, and luck I can get!