Monday, November 30, 2009

Who Am I?

A very special person today told me to be myself. . .be myself?  Who am I?  That was what I thought immediately and I began to cry.  I honestly don't know anymore.  I used to know.  I knew exactly who I was, what I wanted. . .and everything.  I've always been a planner, I'm not a person that can live for the moment.  I've been planning out my life since kindergarden, and just recently things began to change.  I broke down crying when I decided to change my major. . .because that meant a change of plans.  I had to change what I wanted to be for the rest of my life, and I know that seems stupid, but its a big deal to me.  My future is almost set in stone for me in my mind. . .and when things get changed its almost like losing part of my past.  I'm still some what unsure about my future as far as what I want to be. . .but I know the general direction.  I know I want to help people, I want to impact lives, and make a difference.  I guess in my mind I think that if I can save just one persons life it will make up for the one that I couldn't save. . .But back to the original question. . .who am I?  Lets see:
My name is Jocelyn Marisa Oeser (Jocie)
My birthday is January 22
I'm female
fair complected. . .these are all physical. . .they make up what I am. . .not who I am. . .so who am I?
I like art, and music, and theatre.  I like cute little animals, especially when they're sweet.  The stars, and the brain intrigue me.  I enjoy songs that make me cry, and pictures of tranquil and serene landscapes.  Children make me smile, especially when they're smiling.  I don't paint my nails, I don't enjoy it anymore.  I'm addicted to my cell phone and my computer, they're like limbs.  My favorite food is eggplant and my favorite color is crimson.  I like to sing in the car, or when I'm alone.  In my mind, swimming is comparable to flying.  Google has become my bestfriend.  I didn't eat meat for 3 years. . .and it still grosses me out from time to time to be honest.  Religion confuses me and surrounds me.  I wish I could paint.  I enjoy school :0.  I'm eccentric, sensitive, and flirty :D I enjoy writing and I'm not afraid to tell people how I feel unless I think it will upset them, or make them feel bad.  I hate upsetting people, I take it very personally.  I love families and dreaming.  I love to talk about the future, and what my "ideal" life would be.  I have nightmares almost every night now, but I've gotten used to most of them.  I have a crush on a teacher ♥ and I read the twilight series.  I love to read!  I've been hurt many times.  My dad left me when I was a baby. . .he never wanted me in the first place.  He always made promises that he couldn't keep and I never understood why he couldnl't love me.  My mom is my hero!  My cousin died when I was 15 and my life has never been the same. . .I think about her everyday.  I don't really write stories or anything anymore like I used to because I can't. . .it all ends up being about her.  My play is sort of a combination about my life and hers.  Its hard for me to trust people.  I hate shaving. . .just ask BJ, he felt my legs when we went swimming together lol (i know its gross).  I can't sleep with out my bra on. . .its like a security blanket.  I wish I could play the piano.  Thats me in a nut shell. . .and what do I want out of life?  All I want is happiness. . .for me, and everyone around me.  I'm scared to death of making a decision that will negatively effect someone around me.  I wish I could know the outcome of my decisions before I make them, but I can't. . .so its all guess and check.  I want to fall in love, graduate from college, get married, have a few kids, and life a happy life.  I don't want my children to ever have to suffer or go without.  Thats all I want.  Seems simple right? 

Friday, November 27, 2009

I Had A Dream.

I dreamed last night that I was running.  I was being chased, or at least something was following me.  I would look back from time to time, but I couldn't see what it was.  I was scared.  I was crying.  Everything around me was attacking me.  The world was against me.  The world wanted me for dead.  I didn't know where to go, but I kept running.  There was a path in the forest, I followed it.  There was nothing else to follow.  Nothing seemed safe. 
There was a man in the forest right in front of my path.  He just stood there looking at me.  He had this strange look in his eyes.  I thought it was rage, hatred, pain.  I was scared, I thought this was it, but I kept running.  My body wouldn't let me stop.
I ran right into the mans arms.  I continued to cry, and shake with fear, and the man still held me.  It was then that I realized it was you.  You were the man I ran to.  You held me tight and for the first time I felt safe.  Your arms were strong and warm, and you just held me as I cried.  You protected me from the demons, and all my fears.  I held on to you as tight as I could, I feared that if I let go, you would disappear. 
After a while I stopped crying and I stopped shaking.  I looked up at you, and you still had that look in your eyes.  I realized that it wasn't rage, hate, or pain.  It was the look of love, and passion, and lust, and desire. 
I will never forget that look.
I will never forget your warmth.
I will never forget your strength.
I will never forget you, because you are my safety, my protection, and my love. 

Did you know?. . .

Did you know that you inspire me?  
Your words are like a drug that send me whirling though a psychadelic state. 
The sound of your voice harmonizes with the song of my soul. 
Your lips taste like heaven, but burn through me like hell.
Your eyes catch and hold me tight, and I will never leave.

Did you know that I love it when you listen to me speak?  When all I hear is your breathing and all I see is your smile.
I love it when you're near me.  When all I feel is your warmth, and all I smell. . .is you.

Did you know that I'm not sure I could love you more than I do because my heart might just explode?   Or the world might end?
But if the world does end, my love, I will still love you.  I know I will live forever in your heart, and you will live forever in mine. 

Did you know that I started writing because of you?  I used to write before, but stopped when that part of me died.  You know what I'm talking about.  I could no longer get the words out.  I could no longer show myself that way.  Until you.  You inspired me.  You healed the part of me I needed to write again.  I can write about love again, but more, I can feel love again.

Did you know that I am yours?  I gave you my heart, my soul, my body.  That is my gift to you, the only one I can give that is worthy.  You gave me more than I deserve and I cannot meet that because you deserve the world.  So I give you my love. 

Did you know? 

Thursday, November 26, 2009


So its thanksgiving and this is what i'm thankful for:

my family of course because where would I be without them.

my friends I couldn't have survived these last few years with out them. 

my health. . .well. . .sorta. . .lol i haven't exactly been the healthiest person in the world this year.

my car. . .enough said

my life, it hasn't been the easiest one, but it's been one hell of a ride.

my ipod, it helps me to block people out :D

My ability to read, write, walk, stand, look around, breath, touch, smell, taste and all that good stuff.  Life wouldn't be as much fun or as barable with out these abilities.

I'm thankful that I'm not starving, dying, an orphan or homeless. 

Monday, November 23, 2009

The Story of My Life

Main Characters:
Me (Jocie)
My Mom
My Dad
My Little Sister
Little Brother

Loss of Innocence

Man vs. Man
Man vs. Self

Jessica's death
Familial Conflict
Distruction of Relationships

Cell phone

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I'm Overwhelmed

Ugh, i am so stressed out.  This week has been so terrible.  Okay, first off, I have so much to do in school, so much work its terrible.  I am doing all I can to stay caught up but its so hard with everything else that is going on.  Then we have the play this week.  I love the play, but it is really hard to focus on it all with everything else going on.  I'm working so hard on my lines and everything, but its hard to focus on and retain anything.  I study my lines every day, but there are still some I'm not getting.  Like I have some lines that have nothing to do with what we're talking about so its hard to go by cues and what not.  I have to write a play this week as well for english, which I'm excited about doing, but it just adds to everything else going on so I wish we weren't doing it right now.  On top of that I had a major issue with my boyfriend the other night.  I found out his parents and family didn't like me at all.  That broke my heart because I've never been in a situation like that.  Tim was going to leave me because of it as well. . .It hurt really really bad, but I asked tim if he loved me and if he would give me the opportunity to fix things and he said yes.  I think I was able to straighten everything out with them.  I listened to what they had to say and told them my side as well.  Their opinion is very important to me so I'm going to do all I can to make everything good.  I think they liked that I went over there to talk to them and I think tim did too.  I hope I worked it all out.  But Tim did leave today for the army and it was hard to say goodbye.  I wont see him for like a month, possibly more and it hurts.  It's stressful.  Then I'm stressed out about work, they want to give me more hours and. . .and. . .I'm going insane.  I can't handle all of this.  At the same time, I have college to worry about, my concert is coming up for orchestra, my car is a pain in the butt and I need tires, I have responsibilities at home.  Its all too much and I don't know what to do.  This week has been awful.  Last night was hard, it was stressful, scary, and nerve racking.  I'm facing things right now that I just can't handle and I've been feeling like this ever since I had pneumonia and I wasn't in school or work for 2 and a half weeks.   I can't get ahead.  I just need a break from it all, but I can't take a break because then more just builds up.  I dont know what to do. 

Thursday, November 12, 2009

My Sexi Timmer ♥♥♥

check out my mans sexi body mm mm mm :D lol

his fly was undone lol


This is my boyfriend's bestfriend Chris.  He is single and lonely :( Interested??

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The Roll of Women

We were talking today in english a little bit about the rolls of women and how this one woman in the book we are reading takes care of her husband, always has dinner ready for him, takes his hat and coat when he comes home, keeps the children neat and in line, and all that traditional stoof.  My immediate reaction was, "whats wrong with that?"  I later found out that the woman wasn't happy in her roll as the traditional housewife.  I don't see why anyone wouldn't be happy doing that. . .what's wrong with it?  I find nothing wrong in keeping your husband happy, being obedient, taking care of the kids and doing all of that. . .I would happy in that roll.  I totally believe that is what my roll is supposed to be. . .I don't know. . .just thought I would add something about that on here. . .


I've been talking to a lot of different people about happiness.  What exactly is it?  Is it an emotion?  A lifestyle?  A myth?  What is it that makes people happy, and if something makes someone happy is it wrong?  Different things make people happy, but do they really make them happy or do they just think it does because its supposed to make them happy?  How do you know when you are truely happy or just content?  What is the difference?   What makes me happy?  And why do those things make me happy?  Do they truely make me happy?  Some people believe that their job and success makes them happy.  Other people say that other people make them happy.  Some even say that being alone makes them happy.  All these different people have different views, are any of them wrong?  Are all of them wrong?  What is supposed to make people happy?  Do you know you are happy when you are rolling on the floor laughing?  Or when you get that warm feeling in your stomach?  Some people compare love to happiness, like its directly related, is that true? 

If You Love Someone. . .

If you love someone, should it matter if they don't love you as much as you love them?  Should it matter what their friends or family think? Or what your friends and family think?  If you love someone, what does matter.  Should you let them go when they decide it isn't working, when in your heart you think it will?  If you love someone, is their happiness and well being more important than your own?  If you love someone, should you let go of everything you have ever dreamed of for them because now they are your life?  What is more important?  Is love more important than yourself?  How do these things weigh in?   If you love someone, should you listen to everyone around you because love has flooded your vision?  Or should you listen to your heart? 

Monday, November 9, 2009

I Fell In Love. . .

I fell in love with the ocean, the water, the salt, the sand.
I fell in love with the mountains, the rocks, and the trees.
I fell in love with dips and peaks of the earth, no matter how steep, or how shallow.
I love feeling the waves, the soft sand under my feet, the wind in my hair. 
I fell in love with the energy, the power, the strength.
I fell in love with the fire, the heat, the passion.
I love all of the elements of the earth, the texture, the smell, the emotions.
I fell in love with the earth, just as I fell in love with you.
I fell in love with your smile, your eyes, your hair.
I fell in love with your body, your muscles, your strenght.
I fell in love with your energy, the way you make me feel.
I fell in love with all the elements of your body, the texture, the smell, the taste, the sound.
I fell in love. . .with you.

Depressed. . .

I've been feeling really depressed since late last night, and its carried over into today.  I didn't sleep very well last night because I have so much on my mind and I've been in such a fog all day today.  I feel like I'm standing in the woods with two paths in front of me. both flourished with flowers and beauty but i see a rain cloud in the distance. which path will keep me dry and safe? which path will be more fun? Most of all. . .which path is the right path?  Its never good when I start thinking and thats what I've been doing since last night.  I wonder if what I'm doing is right and I try to think about all possible outcomes and it just depresses me.  I love my boyfriend very much, but at the same time I feel so alone.  Its hard to explain, but I'm trying.  I feel so detached from everyone lately.  I've been too busy to hang out with my friends, work, school, theatre are all I have time for and I feel so overwhelmed.  I just want to cry.  Last night when I was with Tim, we had to go over to his bestfriends house who Tim lives with most of the time.  While we were there Tim told me I could look at his cell phone but he warned me that he had nudey pix of his ex and old text messages.  He hadn't deleted them because his phone is shut off atm and so he hasn't used it really since they were together.  I didn't mind though because I know they are broken up and he is with me now and its all good.  But seeing the pictures of her and reading the texts really got to me.  I didn't say anything because there is nothing to say.  I have no clue why I feel this way, but I do.  I feel awful.  It has been eating at me and I really just need to get it out.  Why is it bothering me so badly?  Its not like he is cheating on me or anything.  I know he loves me.  I've had ex boyfriends, and I understand he has ex girlfriends. . .I dont get it.  ugh I hate feeling like this and being so depressed. 

Saturday, November 7, 2009


I wanted to go out. . .this is what I get lol.  Thats me in the middle, Tim is the one that looks angry that I am licking, and his bestfriend Chris is the one that looks constipated :D lol

Nov 6th

Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of the worst day of my life.  It was the anniversary of my cousin's death, a day I will never forget.  A big part of me died that day with her, and I haven't really been the same since.  I left school a little early to go to the cemetary because its an hour early and I wanted to make sure I got there before dark.  Tim went with me and I brought a candle to leave on her grave.  It was all decorated with flowers and candles, it looked very nice for such a horrible place.  It reminded me of some of the pain I have been avoiding for a long time and I broke down crying.  It still hurts a lot especially because I don't feel like Jessie is here with me anymore, at least not like I used to.  I know she is there, I just don't feel as connected to her.  When I got back in the truck I decided to call her mom, but the number I had was old, so I called her grandmother and spoke to her for a little while.  I told her that I loved her and she was in my thoughts and prayers.  We spoke for a few minutes and both cried on the phone.  We talked about Cory (Jessie's little sister that was also in the accident that is paralyzed) and that hurt me a lot.  I realized that I really need to see her and be there for her.  I got Lori's new number, but got the voicemail so I left one.  I broke down crying even more in the drunk, my heart was breaking.  Tim held me close, but I could tell it was kind of awkward for him because he didn't really know what to do in that situation, and that is fine. . .it was just nice to have him there holding me.  I miss my cousin so much, not a day goes by that I don't think about her and what happened.  I think a part of me still blames myself for not being able to help and save her like I thought I had.  It still breaks my heart that I didn't get to say goodbye.  I can't believe its only been 2 years, it seems like so much longer, but at the same time it seems like it was just yesterday. 

Monday, November 2, 2009

My Heart. . .

Love makes my heart beat faster and slower.
It beats faster when I hear your voice
when I feel your warmth
when I see your face
when I taste your mouth
when I smell your lust.
My heart races when I think about you near me,
holding me,
kissing me,
loving me.

It beats slower when you're away,
when I know I can't see you,
hear you,
feel you,
smell you,
or taste you.
When I remember that I am yours forever, it slows down and makes forever last.
It sometimes skips a beat at thought of our future.

You are my future, my life, my love. . .my everything. 

*I won't forget what is most important*

Love. . .

The petals may fall
The leaves may change
The sun may set,
but I still love you.

The wind may change,
The years may pass,
The tears may drip,
but I am still in love with you.

My breathing may slow
Your heart may stop
The end may come,
but I will always love you.

"Seasons may change,
winter to spring,
but I love you,
until the end of time."

Forever is now,
The end is never,
for my love for you will never die,
not now. . .not ever ♥♥♥

Things That Just Make Me Think. . .

I forgot to write about this a few weeks ago, but its been on my mind.  I was driving out to Chris's house to pick up my cactus when an elderly woman was in the middle of the road trying to push a riding lawn mower.  I got out and asked if she needed help. . .I tried to drive the thing across the road but I have no freaking clue how to work those things, so I helped her push it.  She told me that she was 90 and "couldn't do those sort of things anymore."  Then she said that when she was in need, god had sent her an angel (meaning me).  It made me think and its been on my mind.  All I did was help her push a lawn mower across the street, it wasn't all that big of a thing, but she explained it as god sending her an angel to help her.  This was similar to the time I had been waiting at the highschool for the bus, I think I was a sophomore and I had a wrist brace on for my tendonitis and this girl who is mentally disabled came up to me and asked what was wrong with my wrist.  A few weeks prior her mother's boyfriend had sexually assaulted her.  She didn't understand so she went around telling everyone what had happened and she moved a few weeks after.  But when I explained to her what was wrong with my wrist she said that she was sorry and she would pray for me.  A girl, who was mentally disabled and had just been raped by her mothers boyfriend was going to keep me in her prayers because my wrist was hurting. . .Things like this make me think and have an effect on me.  Like when I went to my cousins funeral, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do.  All I did was cry, and a huge chunk of me died.  When I walked up to the casket, my aunt was there giving hugs to everyone that came to the funeral.  When I gave her a hug she held me close in her arms and we both cried very hard and she told me that SHE wished SHE could take all MY pain away. . .Her daughter was dead and it was the funeral for her, her other daughter was in a coma and would never walk again, and her son had a broken leg, but she wanted to take all my pain away.  Her words still ring in my ears.  These are the reasons I believe in god.  These are the things that make me think and make me know there is something good and better than all of this.  This is just something I've been thinking about for a while so I thought I would share it with y'all. 

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Another Nightmare

I had another nightmare last night, this one was very much different than all the other ones I've had.  I dreamed that Chris was following me, I was never out of his site and every chance he got he would rape me.  One time, when I tried to fight him and get away he beat me in the face with a shovel and knocked all my teeth out.  Other people knew what was going on, but they couldn't do anything.  The cops couldn't catch him for some reason so they more or less didn't try anymore.  He would sleep in my car, and follow me to work and school.  He threatened me everyday and I was so petrified.  This dream confuses me because I was never scared of Chris or felt threatened by him.  He isn't that type of person so I'm not sure where that dream came from.  All I know is I woke up crying again and it has been bothering me every day.  I'm so sick and tired of having nightmares all the time and being scared like this. . .its sucks. 

Paranormal Activity

Well I went on a double date with my boyfriend and his bestfriend and his girlfriend to see Paranormal Activity.  It was a pretty good movie, I've never screamed so loud in a movie theatre.  My boyfriend made it worse because he kept building up the suspense by saying things like "Oh, watch this" or "This is my favorite part" so he has some gashes in his arms and legs from me holding on and getting scared.  The only thing I didn't like about the movie was it made me dizzy at some points because of how they were holding/moving the camera.  I've heard mixed stories on if the movie is real or not, but I know things like this DO happen, which makes it all the more scary.  But I did like the movie, I think its funny that my boyfriend and his bestfriend who are both over 18 and are joining the army next month were all paranoid and scared, it makes me giggle.