Tuesday, June 15, 2010


I dreamed about Jessie the other day.  We were sitting in an auditorium talking.  I was holding her hand.  Her had was cold.  Thats one thing I remember, she was always cold.  She was wearing a short sleeved shirt and I could see the brown birth mark she had on her upper arm.  She had braces.  Her nails were trimmed very short.  These are all of the little things I remember about her that really stood out to me in my dream.  I held her hand and we were talking and then I started crying.  I cried because I was scared because I didn't know if it was real or not.  I wasn't sure if what I was experiencing in my dream was real, and she was there with me, or if she was really gone and in a few moments I would wake up.  She saw me crying. . .and she just looked at me as if she understood.  She didn't look confused or ask why I was crying.  She just held my hand and looked at me as if to say its alright.  I woke up and I couldn't help but feel heart broken because it was just a dream.  As I have said before, I love dreaming about her because I get to spend time with her again and its always so real like she's really there, but when I wake up I have to deal with the pain of losing her all over again.  The funny thing is, when I'm 30 and i dream about her. . .she's going to look the same.  she's going to look 16 with braces, long hair, and short finger nails.  That is how I remember her and that is how she will live in my memory forever. 

I Survived

Well. . .I survived lol.  I went thursday morning to albany to have my surgery.  It started with a bunch of paper work and I nervously answered questions.  I had to fill out a proxy thinger about who can make medical decisions for me in the event that I can't (scary).  Then I had to pee in a cup so they could give me a pregnancy test (they said it was standard procedure) it was still annoying.  Then I had to put on one of those god awful hospital gowns that show your butt.  They made me take out all of my piercings, and I just remembered I never did put any of my ear rings back in.  I was nervous about my tongue closing up so I put it back in while I was waiting and took it out again later.  Mom and I waited in this hospital type room where there were a bunch of people and we were all behind curtains in hospital beds.  They put an iv in me with saline solution, but they didn't put it in my arm, they put it in my wrist, like the side of my rist behind my thumb.  It didn't hurt too bad, but I had never had a needle put there before and I still have a mark.  Then I waited. . .Dr. Silver's resident came to talk to me and told me what meds I would be getting after the surgery and what not.  Then I got a shot in the IV of something to relax me. . .oh yeah. . .I was relaxed.  I was higher than a kite.  It was great.  Then they wheeled me into the operating room and whoever was driving my bed didn't do a good job, they knocked me into everything but I was too high to really care.  Then I had to move from the hospital stretcher dealy to the operating table.  I remember it was very bright and there were a lot of people in there.  One woman put a mask over my mouth to breath and it was easy to breath in but hard to breath out. . .and then I was out.  I guess they had to put a tube down my throat to breath for me and they cauterized where my sist was and stuff.  When I woke up there was some male nurse standing over me writing on a clip board.  My vision was very blurry and I felt like I had been hit by a bus.  I was SOOOOOOOOOOOO thirsty.  He asked me how I was doing and i told him I was thirsty.  He told me to try to sleep for a bit longer and then they would move me into recovery and I could get a drink there, but I was too thirsty to go back to sleep.  They wheeled me into a hospital room because recovery was closed (how does recovery close?) and they got me water and apple juice.  I was SOOOOOOOO thirsty.  Then my mom came in.  I could have slept for a lot longer and rested, but I wasn't really comfortable.  So after a few minutes I got up.  I was really dizzy and my legs hurt.  They were worried about that.  It felt like I had really bad charlie horses in my legs, they were concerned I had blood clots.  But I got up and walked around a little and sat in a comfy chair and I started to feel better.  My throat was sore from the tubes and when I looked in the mirror I was all puffy.  No bruising, but my eye lids were swolen.  I got a bunch of ice pops and then they took the IV out, gave me some meds, and asked if I was ready to go home.  I was.  I had to wear this gauze under my nose called moustache dressing.  It was essentially rolled up gauze taped under my nose to catch the blood. . .it was really sexy lol.  The next day my entire body ached and they determined it was from the anestesia and not blood clots.  It was awful.  The meds were great, but it was awful.  After a few days the pain wore off, I didn't have to wear the moustache dressing, and I stopped taking pain pills, but I got really sick from the antibiotics.  Thats why I'm here now.  I'm at work with my mom so I can go see the doctor to have him take the splits out because they are making me sick.  I was supposed to have them taken out on thursday.  They're really annoying and I think I will feel 100x better once they are out.  But I survived.