Friday, April 30, 2010


Its not often that I dream about my cousin that passed away.  I used to a lot shortly after she died, but lately I don't.  I dreamed about her last night.  She told me she faked her death, I don't remember her reasoning why or how, but thats what she told me.  I got to talk to her, and hug her. . .it was so real.  It was like she was there.  I even said to her in my dream that I was afraid that was a dream and I didn't want to wake up. . .I was scared of waking up.  Shortly after saying that I woke up, and once again. . .she's gone.  I really don't mind dreaming about her, I actually like it because I get to see her and talk to her again.  It feels like its really her. . .it always does.  I miss her so much and not a day goes by that I don't think about her, but when she's in my dreams. . .its like she's there and just for a moment I get to forget about the pain and thank god that I get to spend one more moment with her. 

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


Sometimes I wonder why I don't just give up.  Perhaps I already have.  My apathy is overwhelming. . .its getting to the point where almost NOTHING matters to me anymore.  The stuff thats left. . .its slipping through my fingers.  I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a sky scraper. . .immobile as the whole thing crashes above my head and drags me down.  When will it stop?  When will these challenges stop being thrown at me?  Why can't I just have it easy for a little while?  Haven't I lost enough?  Haven't I suffered enough?  Sometimes I feel so fragile. . .I think the wind will just tear me apart and blow me away.  There would be nothing left.  Maybe there already isn't anything left.  Am I just a hollow shell going through the motions?  Is there anything left inside of me?  Maybe I'm dried up. . .maybe I cried my heart and soul away and now there is nothing left of me.  If this is karma, what did I do?  All my life all I have wanted to do is help people. . .maybe I have no worth.  Maybe I'm nothing.  Maybe I was an accident of creation and my existence is meaningless.  I don't mean to be so emo. . .I'm really not.  I'm normally a very upbeat, optimistic person for those who know me.  Its just getting to be too much.  I've lost soo many people to death.  I've lost soo many people just from losing them.  I think I may have lost myself in the mix.  Maybe this is death. . .it just takes a while for the body to follow the soul.  Can you cry yourself to death?  Can emotional pain kill you?  Can nightmares kill you?  I don't mean to be so morbid and so depressing. . .I don't really cry anymore. . .I hurt but I brush it off and hold it in.  Thats what I mean by apathy.  Instead of crying. . .I just don't care, but I don't feel better so I'm not really happy. . .too much on my mind.  To much falling apart and going to hell around me.  I need to excape.  I need to move. . .to breath, but I can't.  I'm trapped in this mortal hell.  Trapped in this world, this town, this house, this body. . .trapped in my own freaking mind.  Things. . .thoughts. . .words longing to escape but can't find the exit.  There is nothing lighting the way out.  So I sit here pondering my pain, unable to fix it. . .apologizing for my negativity as I vent in my blog.  Maybe I should just forfeit and wave my white flag.  Surrender myself to this fate instead of attempt to fight it.  Maybe slipping into the quick sand isn't so bad.  Maybe its painless.  Fighting it is exausting. . .whats the point?  I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. . .I don't so an end to this war let alone this battle.  I see nothing ahead.  Just painful pictures of my past that won't disappear.  Thats all I see. 

Panic Attacks

I've been having a lot of panic attacks lately.  I've had them for years, but they're pretty rare.  I usually have them at night after a nightmare, but not that often.  I used to have them like once a month but lately they have been less and less until recently.  Recently I've had them a lot more and they've been a lot worse and I feel different when I have them.   I had one the other day when I was with Ryan.  I started feeling really weird and panicky when we were shopping and it got worse when we went to the car wash and were driving home.  I don't know what happened or why I felt that way.  Ryan is a really REALLY really safe driver so I know it wasn't that. . .I just felt really weird.  I felt so anxious and my heart started to race, and I started to get all hot, and I just didn't feel right at all.  Then I had one the next morning when I was having my breakfast. . .there was nothing out of the ordinary to bring it on. . .I just had one.  I don't really like talking about my panic attacks. . .like what I think about, how I calm myself down, possible ways of fixing them.  I don't care if people know that I have them, but I don't want people to see me have one. . .and I don't want to talk about it.  I'm kind of embarrassed by them, and I'm not sure why.  I don't know why I feel this way about them. . .I can tell you about them on here, and tell you I had one. . .but I get upset when people try to suggest ways of fixing them. . .I'm not sure why.  I'm really scared of having another one at school, its happened a few times before, but I hate it when other people see me have them. 


Okay sooo. . .I've been seeing this guy for about 2 and a half weeks now and we made our relationship official a little over a week ago :)  Its been about 2 months since Tim and I split up and since then I have been doing a lot of dating.  I've gone out with a few different type of guys and had no intentions of really making it official with any of them.  They weren't quite what I was looking for.  I really didn't think I was going to get into another relationship until college because I'm going away and that usually causes a lot of drama that I would rather not be a part of.  Well all of that changed when I met Ryan.  I felt an instant connection to him, it was amazing.  We talked for hours on our first date and we discovered we have the same birthday (except he is 4 years older than me) and we are both planning to go to Oneonta in the fall :)  I think he felt the same connection and how easily we get along and communicate.  It was great.  Then, because we both still live at home, we had the lovely experience of meeting each others parents while still getting to know each other.  My parents, especially my mom, like him a lot.  My mom said that she liked him almost instantly (I can relate).  I really like his dad as well, he's a really cool, laid back kind of guy and from what Ryan tells me, he likes me too.  We had some complications when deciding whether or not to be together.  I was all for it, but he was a little more apprehensive.  He had never really been in a relationship before and I think he was scared and if the relationship fell through he didn't want to lose me completely because of something like that.  I understood and told him I would be happy with what I did have with him.  Well within a few days we talked about it and decided we wanted to be together and we were already a couple so there was no point in not having the title.  Thus far, I think we're both pretty happy with our decision.  I love it because I get to see him nearly every day because he only lives about 25 minutes away.  I can talk to him, and I don't worry that he is going to get mad or upset with me because of my thoughts or feelings.  We have a lot of long, interesting conversations that don't always make sense, but we love the time we share together.  We have fun and as far as I know we're both really happy :)  I'll post pictures soon once I have more of us.  Its nice to find a guy that treats me right, is mature, and has so much in common with me, but we also have a lot of differences to keep it interesting.  I love talking to him. . .I love his mind.  :)

Friday, April 23, 2010

My Blog

When I started writing my blog, it was just for fun.  It was just a place to put my writing.  It didn't really have a purpose, I just wanted to give it a shot.  Now. . .my blog is so much more than that, to me anyways.  My blog is my vent.  I vent my feelings, my thoughts, my rants on my blog.  Its a place to show off my writing and let other people critique it.  Its my piece of art.  Its a piece of me. . .my soul.  I am very passionate about my blog and thats why I post on here several times a week.  I put effort into these things.  Do I think that many people care about my life?? No, not at all.  Do I care who reads it?  No, not really.  I like that people read it, comment, and talk about my blog.  It makes me happy when people care. . .but I don't think I would stop doing it even if no one read it or commented or whatever.  I can say whatever I want in my blog. . .about whatever I want because its mine.  Its all mine.  Its completely personal.  I've written so much on here about my life and sometimes people don't even know about it.  I write in code a lot. . .in my poetry.  I'll write about things and no one really has any idea what its about, but they read it and like it. . .but I know.  Thats all that matters.  I love to write.  My blog is my canvas and my words are my paint and together, in my opinion, I make beautiful masterpieces.  I put my heart and soul into everything I write and sometimes I write about things that are painful, sad, happy, beautiful. . .and when I write it down. . .I make art and I feel better and I'm happy about it. 


Okay, this goes out to all the people that feel the need to leave rude comments or click "hate it" on something just to be a prick.  I'm sorry that you don't have a life.  I'm sorry you don't have friends, a job, school, or anything that keeps you busy and makes you happy.  You must be really bored and lonely if you can't think of anything better to do than to comment on my blog.  If you don't like me, or you don't like my blog. . .why waste your time reading it?  You must have a lot of free time, but you know what. . .go ahead.  Comment on my blog all you want.  Click "hate it" as much as you want.  If its keeping you off the streets and away from drugs go ahead.


LOL this is an inside joke between me, Cecilia, and Gabe.  hahahaha gotta love 11th period in the library ;)

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Letter to Cassie

Dear Cassie,
I'm writing this directly to you and also allowing whoever else to read it because there are a few things in this letter that other people need to see as well.  I am honestly sorry if I upset you by not venting all of my problems to you and letting you be the shoulder I cried on, but I have my own reasons for not doing so that have nothing to do with you.  I don't like telling other people my problems.  I handle them myself unless I can't.  If I need help, I have no problem asking for it, but I don't like to weigh other people down with my problems.  I like keeping the mood light.  I am more of a listener, I will always be there for someone else no matter what the problem is and who the person is.  Its just me.  I like to help people and I feel I am do people a favor by not whining, complaining, and venting to them.  I vent on my blog.  With writing.  Sometimes I'm not direct about what I'm venting about, but its personal to me and it makes me feel better. . .everyone is different.  I totally agree we have grown apart this year.  We really haven't been friends much at all this year.  Thats okay, it happens.  I can't tell you how many friends I've grown apart from just in the 4 years of high school, its life. . .it happens.  If it happens with us, well it pretty much already has, its okay.  Am I sorry it happened?? Yes of course.  Cassie I love you to death even when we are fighting, even when you're being a total bitch. . .unconditional love babe.  I don't think there is much you could do for me not to love you to death.  We have been very close friends, and you've been one of my bestfriends for years now.  I have told you everything and that never stopped. . .we just stopped having opportunities for me to tell you everything.  I've always been there for you, and even if we aren't friends and you need someone I will still be there for you in the future. . .just the way I am.  You have always been there for me too when I needed you and I am very greatful.  Sorry I made you uncomfy around me because I wasn't being open with you or whatever. . .yes our friendship changed and we grew apart.  I'm sorry.  And I'm sorry if I upset you.  Regardless, you hurt me very deeply.  You said things that you know nothing about and couldn't know anything about without me telling you and explaining. . .even then you might not unless you experience them.  You implied things that hurt my feelings and if you believe they are true then I don't honestly believe you were ever my friend because if you were you would know better.  You should know me better than just about anyone else even if I haven't been completely open with you for the last few months.  I honestly think part of it was that you've been upset with me for a while now and were looking for an opportunity to express that and hurt my feelings.  Its a human thing to want to hurt someone that upset you and I think you used that as your opportunity.  I'm sorry if you feel that my hurt feelings were blown out of proportion. . .didn't realize that feeling that way as a response was wrong. . .but whatever.  You know what I think, You know how I feel.  I wish you the best of luck.  Sorry it all happened this way but I'm graduating soon so you won't have to worry about it.  I know you already "Don't care"  just like you don't care about just about everything, but I care.  So I said what I had to say. 


If Nothing Else. . .Always Be True To Yourself

If you looked at yourself right now, what would you see?  Look passed the make up, the hairspray, the fake smiles or frowns.  Look past your skin, your lips, your clothes.  Look deep into your own eyes.  What do you see?  Look into your eyes all the way into your heart, your mind. . .your soul.  Look into who you are. . .what you are.  What do you see?  Is the person on the inside, the same as the outside?  Is that a good thing?  Or are you pretending to be someone your not?  and is that a good thing?  Are you happy with what you see?  Happy with how you act?  Happy with your friends, your family?  How you treat your friends in family?  What you do in your spare time??  Are you happy on the inside as well as the outside?  Go ahead, take a look in the mirror.  Or are you afraid?  Do you already know that you won't be happy with what you see?  Or are you scared of what you might see?  Sometimes I have to do this. . .just take a step back and look at myself.  Listen to my own thoughts.  Reason with my emotions.  Sometimes I'm not happy with myself inside and out. . .but other times I am even if other people aren't happy with me.  Sometimes I have to ask myself, how do I really feel about something because I get irrational.  Is that a bad thing?  My grandmother told me, while she was in the hospital and we weren't sure if she was going to make it or not, to always be true to yourself. . .that if nothing else to always be true to yourself.  The next day I broke up with Tim because of how he was acting and playing games.  If you're always true to yourself, if you're always acting as yourself, and if you're always happy with yourself inside and out. . .I think you will be a happy person.  Am I wrong?  Right now I'm pretty happy with myself.  I'm far from perfect and I'm positive there are 100 things I could improve on. . .but I'm happy.  What about you?  Are you happy?

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Horrible Freaking Day

Today has just been awful.  To start, I had a confrontation with some friends because they feel the need to give their input about my life and decisions when they don't even know the situation.  Then I come home and my mom tells me we have to get rid of our cats because she has had Pneumonia for like 2 months and can't get rid of it because of the cats.  So I'm mad, and sad, and heartbroken. . .so I go over to Ryan's house and he always makes me feel 100x better, and he did, but then my boss calls me and says she's too busy to take all of this on by herself and needs me to come over.  So I had to leave Ryan, which made me sad and go to work.  It takes me about 25 minutes to get from Little Falls to where I work, so by the time I get there she really isn't busy anymore.  One table is leaving and the other two are getting their food. . .so I left for pretty much nothing.  My boss felt bad though that I left for nothing and gave me $10.  She does take care of me and she has good intentions but ughhh.  She apologized but then said "you should really try to stay near by around dinner time"  ughh.  So she doesn't want me to go anywhere EVER just in case she needs me to come in.  Sorry, I have a life.  Not a huge one, but a life none the less.  It bothered me that she said that.  I love Sace with all my heart and I love my job, but UGHHH.  Then I go home.  Yes home and my mother tells me to sit down.  Immediately I think "great, more bad news" and I was right.  I had a CAT scan taken of my sinuses the other day because I've been having such bad headaches I can't function.  Evidently my sinuses are soooo clogged that I have to see a specialist.  They have to stick a needle up my nose and numb my sinuses so they can drain them.  Okay, first of all, I HATE doctors.  I don't mind needles and what not, but NOT UP MY NOSE!!  I got tested for swine flu with that nose swab dealy and that hurt and freaked me out enough.  I really hope they can put me to sleep or something because I WILL have a panic attack and I'm just going to freak out.  Ryan said he would go with me if he wasn't at school when I had to have all of this done.  Ughh.  It has just been a shitty day and because I'm under soo much stress a nightmare is almost guaranteed.  Hopefully tomorrow is better.  *SIGH*

Untitled :)

If you don't know anything about something, or someone. . .don't judge.  Don't make comments.  Don't give your input because you haven't the slightest clue about what is going on or anything about it.  I know what is going on.  I know what it is.  I know the difference between right is wrong.  I know myself.  I never EVER want to feel like I have to regret something that makes me happy and I feel good about.  So if you're truly my friend, don't make me feel that way.  If I'm happy, we're happy, and we're not hurting anyone (not to mention it concerns no one other than us) why is it wrong??  Why does it matter?  Maybe when you grow up a little and experience a little bit more, granted i've probably experienced more than I needed to or should have, maybe then you'll understand.  Until then, just don't cast judgement. . .because you just don't know. 

Friday, April 16, 2010

I am ME

I'm not a stereotype.  Not a generalization.  I'm not a barbie doll.  I'm me.  I have brown hair that is very red in the sun.  I get freckles in the summer time.  I look like a goblin first thing in the morning.  I cry when I'm sad.  I don't wear lipstick because it always gets on my teeth!  I love to talk, but I also love to listen.  I listen to metal, country, pop, hiphop, soundtracks, showtunes, opera, and classical.  I love scary movies, and I cry when Jack dies in Titanic.  I have asthma.  I just learned how to spell "surprise" lol.  I have nightmares about 3 times a week, but I've gotten used to them so they don't really bother me anymore.  I like to write, but I don't want to be told how to write.  I'm indecisive.  I'm eccentric.  I'm spontaneous.  I'm random.  I say what I think. . .although sometimes I probably shouldn't.  I like the dark.  I like the rain.  I love lightening.  I am a twilight fan *gasp*.  I love to read, but I hate it when they make movies of books because they're nothing but disappointing.  Monsters scare me. I hate hospitals, doctors, and medicine.  I can't be labled.  I'm not a generalization.  I am me, take me or leave me.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

It Doesn't Mean I Love You

If I embellish your name in hearts, that doesn't mean I love you.
If I put a plus sign between our names, that doesn't mean I love you.
If I carve our initials in a tree within a heart, that doesn't mean I love you.
If I tell you I want to be yours, that doesn't mean I love you.
If I tell you that you take my breath away, that doesn't mean I love you.
If I call you every night, and see you every day. . .that doesn't mean I love you.
If I put your picture on my desk or on my wall, that doesn't mean I love you.
If I dream about you every night and wake up thinking about you, that doesn't mean I love you.
Even if I say I love you. . .yeah, even that doesn't mean I love you.
When I kiss you, in a way that can't be described with words and then I sit there with my eyes still closed just holding you. . .
When I look into your eyes, not saying anything for a long time, just looking deeply. . .
When I fall asleep in your arms, or when you fall asleep in mine. . .
When I don't even have to say it and you just know. . .
When I trust you enough to tell you everything, even things that make me cry just to think about them. . .
When I listen to every story you have to tell, even if I think they're stupid and smile and laugh on queue. . .
When I let you cry on my shoulder. . .
When I trust you enough to cry on your shoulder. . .
When we have formed into each others lives that its just natural. . .
When the butterflies go away for good, and the feeling is replaced by a constant warm glow within. . .
When you know all of these things and feel all of these things without me having to say a word. . .That means I love you.  Thats when I do.  And thats when you'll know.  I won't have to say it.  You'll just know.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Ughh Cops

I'm still a little upset.  Ryan and I went out again tonight.  We always have a great time and he is a wonderful gentleman and he makes me so happy.  We went out to dinner and then we were sitting at the riverfront in his car.  Yes we were in the backseat, but NO! we were not doing anything.  We like to sit in the backseat and kiss and be close to eachother and that is honestly and sincerely the extent of it.  Well we were sitting back there and I was leaning on him while he was kissing me and all of a sudden 2 cop cars show up.  No the cops were not called on us.  An older gentleman comes to the window and asks us to open the car door so he can talk to us.  He asks if we saw anyone here with a small child because they received a strange complaint, and we said we hadn't.  He said okay and walked around the river with the other, much younger, cop.  When they came back around the younger cop shines his freaking flash light at us.  By this time we were both sitting up and just talking.  He shines the light in and talks to us through the window.  He says he can only assume what is going on here and asks if he plans to get in the driver seat and get going, and Ryan says yes.  Then the cop asks if we had anything in the car that the other cops dog might smell (what dog? there was no dog in the car) and Ryan says no.  And then the cops says okay, get out of here. . .wtf.  We weren't doing ANYTHING.  He was rude and his behavior was completely uncalled for.  Telling us to get out of there and saying he can only assume what is going on. . .he can't assume.  We've only been out a few times and aren't anywhere near doing anything like that.  It really pissed me off what he said, his tone, and how rude he was to us.  We did nothing wrong.  It upset me for the remainder of the night and I'm still a little ticked.  Ughhhh Cops. 

Sunday, April 11, 2010

My New Kitten :)

This is my new kitten, we got her on Wednesday and we love her very much. . .but we haven't named her yet. . .and no I do not want to name her patches just because she's calico.  Any ideas??

Are You Prince Charming?

So every since my "Knight in Shining Armor" walked into the sunset with his old cow in the place of a horse I've been in search of my Prince Charming :) Well I've been out with 3 possible men who have proved to be frogs even after I kissed them, that my have changed. . .last night I met this guy. . .a real gentleman.  He more than swept me off my feet within a few moments and left me floating on cloud nine for the remainder of the evening.  We went out again today and once again he took my breath away and left me speechless.  You know that forward that all of us girls get saying "wait for the guy that calls you beautiful instead of hot" and all that bs. . .he's kinda like that.  He must have told me I was beautiful at least a hundred times since we met last night.  He makes me smile, and I feel so at ease with him.  Conversation comes easy and we have a lot in common.  Our birthdays are on the same day and we might even be going to the same college in the fall.  Is he the Prince Charming I've been waiting for to ride off into the sunset with???  I guess we will just have to wait and find out.  Until then. . .I'm smiling :)

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Pictures of Me

As I have said before, when I get bored ^ this is what I do lol.  I am extremely vain at times and I love taking my picture :) so here, this is what I did I think it was last week, perhaps the week before when I was getting ready for a date. 

College III

Well I went to go visit Oneonta the other day and I like it.  It was a nice school and my mom and I can both see me going there.  Best part of all. . .theres a strip club in town that my mother told me I could work that.  Thanks mom for being so supportive :) lol no but really, the school was nice.  The only thing I don't like is that I can't have my car there until I'm a junior. . .wtf am I supposed to do with my car in the mean time??  I also wish that they had a football team. . .I like watching the games.  Other than that I'm excited.  They have sororities and bars all over the place.  The campus was nice, it has trees, grass, flowers, and a pond unlike some of the other SUNY schools (albany) lol  Its pretty much set in stone thats where I'm going, but I'll keep you updated. :)

Alice In Wonderland

I have mixed feelings about this movie.  It had potential to be great, and I loved the characters, but in my opinion it was underdeveloped.  I think the movie was too short and a lot more could have happened to make it more interesting.  It was okay, I was expecting so much more and I am such a big fan of Tim Burton and honestly. . .I wasn't all that impressed.  The graphics were great in 3D (haha :)) and the characters were amazing. . .but the movie itself. . .meh.

The Pillars of the Earth

This was an amazing book and I highly suggest it for anyone.  I am currently reading the sequal.  There is soo much to this book that, I think, anyone could get into it.  There is romance, war, tradgedy, religion, everything.  It was great.  Its a long read, just short of 1000 pages, but I loved every page. 

Friday, April 9, 2010

I am Human

Have you ever pricked your finger with a needle?  Burned yourself on a hot pan?  What does it feel like?  It hurts doesn't it?  Did you know. . .that it hurts me too?  Have you ever been afraid of the dark?  Or woken up from a nightmare and were afraid?  Did you kno. . .that those things scare me too?  Has anyone ever said something hurtful, or made some rude remark?  How did you feel?  Yeah. . .it makes me sad too.  Have you ever been out with friends laughing, singing, telling jokes?  Did you know. . .that I do those things too?  Have you ever smiled?  Cried?  Laughed?  Screamed into a pillow?  Sang in the shower?  Yeah. . .me too.  I am a human. . .I bleed when poked.  I get scars when cut deep or burned.  I cry when I'm afraid or sad or heartbroken.  I walk with my head down when someone stabs me in the back or offends me.  I yell when I get angry.  I laugh when someone says something funny.  I smile at babies and cute animals.  I try to help other people when they need me.  I care about other people, especially friends and family, but not only because people in general matter to me.  I am human just like you.  The same things that make you bleed, make me bleed.  The same things that make you laugh, make me laugh.  The same emotions you feel. . .I feel.  So put yourself in my shoes, and I will try to do the same.  We are human.  Different. . .but the same. 

You're so Vain, You Probably Think This Blog Is About You

I just want to clarify something.  I understand there could easily be some confusion about the last post that I wrote.  That post. . .Yeah. . .it WAS NOT about Tim.  It was about an ex, but it was not about that ex.  So that should fix some confusion.  I don't want Tim back. . .I'm much more content being single than being in a relationship with someone in the military.  I hold nothing against him and no hard feelings, but I don't want that back.  So yeah. . .just to clarify.  I'm in love with someone else and it took me this long to realize my mistake and to admit my feelings.  I love you. . .and you know who you are. 

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

A Moment Too Late

I was a moment too late when I realized that you were the best thing that had ever happened to me.  I realized after i pushed you away. . .after I convinced myself that you weren't as special as you truely were.  I realized after I left gashes in your heart with a razor.  I realized after I left you bleeding on the floor.  Then someone else came, cleaned you up, and brought you home.  I was a moment too late when I realized that I loved you more than anything.  I was a moment too late when I realized you were gone. . .forever. . .That you were my life. . .and my air. . .and now i'm drounding in my mistakes.  I'm sorry.  I don't mean to cry.  I don't mean to tell you this now. . .after its already too late, but if I dont say it now it will never get said.  I loved you, and I still do.  You took care of me, and you loved me, and you treated me like I was something special.  I gave that up. . .why??  because i'm stupid?  because I was scared?  I don't know why. . .but I did.  Now its a moment too late and I can't take it back.  All I can do is hope that someday I will get another chance to make it right.  All I can do it hope and pray.

Creature of the Night II

He lurks in the woods.  When he is sure no one can see him, he comes out.  He hids in the dirt.  Under pine cones.  Swarmed by ticks and crickets.  He hides.  Waiting.  He waits for me in the woods.  Under the trees and the moss.  While the rain drizzles down.  He waits.  He waits for me to turn around before he will make his move.  I know he is there.  I feel him.  I anticipate his every move, but I'm still surprised when he does.  Yes. . .he is my creature of the night.  You never turn your back on the creature of night.  I still have my wounds.  He is sure to leave his mark, he always leaves you aching.  But I love him.  I love him because our meetings are rare.  Because he hugs me and holds me tight.  Because he tells me every night that it will be okay.  Because he loves me in the purest and most sincere way possible.  But, like every fictional character, it can never be.  He lives his life in the fairytale and fantasy of my mind. . .but no where else.  So I sit here...yearning, desiring, longing. . .for my creature of the night. . .until I fall asleep and dream. 

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Unnamed Emotion

It's an unnamed emotion brewing in my chest.
My heart feels like its moving in styrofoam.
My lungs feel like cling wrap.
My stomach just went on a rollercoaster.
And my head. . .oh my head. . .Its like a never ending nightmare.
My shoulders and chest are heavy.
And my eyes are always damp.
Is the world spinning around me?  It feels that way.
My skin feels creepy crawly, do you know what I mean?
And when I exhale, It feels like I've been holding my breath for an eternity.
Have you felt this emotion?  This unnamed emotion?
Where you always feel like crying, but you're too ashaimed to cry?
You can't get enough air to really breath.
Every movement feels wrong, and uncomfortable?
How long does it last? 
When will it all ware off?
Will it be like this forever? 
I just want to breath.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Being Single

I think I remember why I hate being single, and I prefer being in a relationship. . .he keeps me safe.  He, whom ever he is, keeps me safe, in line, and keeps dangers away from me.  He protects me when I can't defend myself.  He makes the nightmares, and the monsters go away.  He kisses the tears away and holds me in his arms while whispering "it will all be okay."  I'm not always smart about things, and I don't always think. . .he does that for me.  Maybe staying single isn't in my best interest?  Maybe its better for me to be with someone. . .  Not only to keep me safe, but to share things with.  To be, or not to be. . .single.

Wall of Lies

A lie is like a wall.
You are the coward hiding behind it.
You realize the wall won't stand, don't you?
Its not well constructed.
Its fake.
I am the wolf that will blow it down.
You are the pig cowaring inside.
No, in this story the wolf isn't big and bad, and the pigs aren't that intelligent.
Hide behind your damn wall you pig.
You are the scum of the earth, and the best part is. . .you know it.
I'll let you hide like the coward you are because eventually your wall of lies will come crashing down and you will be squashed beneath them.
Sleep well.

You Know What You Did

You know what you did, it doesn't matter how much you lie.
You have to live with yourself.
Can you sleep at night, knowing what you did?
Do you realize what you did?
Did you plan it, or was it a last minute decision?
I wasn't as far away as you think, I was there. 
I remember.
I still see it when I close my eyes.
How could you do that to me? 
Hou could anyone do that to another person?
I feel empty, but flooded with emotion at the same time.
My mind goes back and forth.
I remember, but I don't want to.
I don't want to see it.
Hugs and kisses don't make it better.
They don't take the pain away.
What do I do? 
Do I scream and let everyone hear me?
Do I hide, and pretend to forget?
I don't know. 
I'm lost.

Friday, April 2, 2010

I am a metaphore

I am a butterfly, and my soul is a rainbow. 
I am a star, and my heart is a fire.
I am a waterfall, and my eyes are a window.
I am a metaphore, but my soul will forever be a hyperbole.


In the last month I have realized that there is a box.  Yes a box.  Where all (most) teenagers live.  In this box, as far as relationships go, there is no such thing as Dating.  You are either in a relationship or you're not.  There is no in between called dating and the majority of my friends and fellow students do not grasp the concept.  They condemn me because I have, in fact, been dating.  I have been seeing a few different people since I've split up with Tim.  One friend in particular called me a slut, when I have done really nothing physically with any of the guys I've been out with.  There are really only 2 guys that I've been really seeing.  I went on one date with a bible humper and that was the last of him and I've been seeing 2 guys for the last few weeks.  I'm not looking to get into a relationship just yet.  I'm not 100% sure what I'm doing as far as college, I'm just out of an "engagement", and I just want to date and have fun and get to know different personalities before I get into another serious relationship.  So while dating: there is no committment, and the option on both sides to see other people. . .is that really that hard of a concept to grasp in high school?? I'm 18 years old and a senior. . .why is that so horrible?? I'm not having sex with every guy I go out with. . .so what the hell?? Whats wrong with dating??  Why don't any (most any) of my friends get this??  GAH CONFUSION!!!

College II

Well its pretty much set in stone that I am going to Oneonta. . .heres my next problem. . .I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WANT TO DO FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!!!  I don't really want to be a teacher, maybe a psychologist? communications? humanities?  I have no idea.  I know what I like. . .but no stable career (that I know of) supports what I enjoy. I enjoy art, and being creative, and working with people, and most of all I want to help people and influence someone's life. . .any ideas?? Well i've spent a large portion of today googling college majors and looking at the ones that Oneonta offers. . .psychology sounds appealing because I can do so much with it.  Thats the opposite for education because if I major in education I don't really have a choice but to become a teacher. . .with a psychology major I at least have options.  I was reading the possible job options for a communications major and there are a lot of options there as well.  I hate it.  Its so stressful.  All my life I've "known" what I wanted to do, or at least thought I did. . .and had an idea.  Now that its the time that I more or less NEED to know. . .I haven't the slightest clue.  It bothers me that I don't know. . .its not like me not to know.  *sigh*