Wednesday, June 30, 2010


Okay readers, I need suggestions!!!  As you all know, I love to read.  My new crazy is historical fiction taking place in medieval europe, but I've been having problems finding good ones.  I read PILLARS OF THE EARTH and WORLD WITHOUT END by Ken Follett and I was kind of obsessed but I need something new.  I'm reading THE CRIMSON PETAL AND THE WHITE by uhhhh Michael Faber I think. . .lol it takes place in Victorian London.  Its pretty good so far but its not medieval europe.  Help???

Heart and Mind

I don't want to be remembered for my eyes, or my smile.  I don't want to be remembered for the clothes I wore or the way I painted my nails.  I don't care that you find me beautiful. . .thats not what I want.  It means so much more to me for someone to take note of my mind and/or my heart.  I want to be remembered for being intelligent and quick witted, for being poetic and articulate.  I want to be remembered for caring about someone or something. . .for being passionate about something.  I don't care if you can't put a face to the name, if all you remember is my mind and my heart.  Thats what I want you to notice.  Beauty only goes skin deep. . .it won't save a life, or touch a persons heart. . .thats what I want to do and thats how I want to be remembered. 

My "Dad"

My dad called last night. . .the real one.  Not the one that adopted me, but the one that gave me up.  The one that cared more about his drugs and girlfriends than his daughter.  Yeah. . .that one called me last night.  He called to ask me about college, graduation, and my surgery.  He told me he would do anything he could to help me out financially with college, and gave me his number so that if I needed something I could call him.  He told me he wished I was going to school down there, and told me that when I come down in July he is going to give me money for graduation.  He said he was proud of me for graduating and continuing my education.  Then. . .as he said goodbye. . .he told me "daddy loves you."  After getting off the phone with him I couldn't help but cry.  This is the man that couldn't bother to call me on my birthday or hug me when I came to visit.  This is the man that never had enough time for me.  This is the man that never gave a damn about me.  I got adopted less than a year ago by my step father because this man was never EVER my father.  Why the hell does he care now?  Why is he doing all of this and saying all of this now?  Now that I'm no longer his daughter he calls me and tells me "daddy loves you."  I broke down not because I was angry, or happy, or sad. . .or anything.  I was confused.  He made my head spin and the only way I knew how to react was to break down and cry. . .and then I got "squished" but. . .it hurts.  I'm 18 years old and I'm adopted. . .and now my dad decides to show affection and take responsibility for me. . .WTF?


So I graduated, and while I was on the stage this is what I was thinking:
I've been on this stage hundreds of times between all of the shows I've been in as well as orchestra and choir concerts. . .but now I face my biggest audience and this time I'm playing the part of a graduate.  Up until this point I've performed with a script.  The script was the guidelines I lived by whether it was the rules my parents set, or the routine I performed every day. . .but now, its all improvisation. . .now I make the script.  I may never be on that stage again.  My biggest audience watched me decend the stairs and get my deploma, and move my tassle from the right to the left. . .they watched me graduate.  They watched the moment where the life, as I knew it, ended and a new one began.  The script is gone, instead I have a series of blank pages in my hand and a pen.  I'm no longer just an actress, I'm the playwrite, director, producer, and star of my own show. . .Lets see what happens.  :)

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


I dreamed about Jessie the other day.  We were sitting in an auditorium talking.  I was holding her hand.  Her had was cold.  Thats one thing I remember, she was always cold.  She was wearing a short sleeved shirt and I could see the brown birth mark she had on her upper arm.  She had braces.  Her nails were trimmed very short.  These are all of the little things I remember about her that really stood out to me in my dream.  I held her hand and we were talking and then I started crying.  I cried because I was scared because I didn't know if it was real or not.  I wasn't sure if what I was experiencing in my dream was real, and she was there with me, or if she was really gone and in a few moments I would wake up.  She saw me crying. . .and she just looked at me as if she understood.  She didn't look confused or ask why I was crying.  She just held my hand and looked at me as if to say its alright.  I woke up and I couldn't help but feel heart broken because it was just a dream.  As I have said before, I love dreaming about her because I get to spend time with her again and its always so real like she's really there, but when I wake up I have to deal with the pain of losing her all over again.  The funny thing is, when I'm 30 and i dream about her. . .she's going to look the same.  she's going to look 16 with braces, long hair, and short finger nails.  That is how I remember her and that is how she will live in my memory forever. 

I Survived

Well. . .I survived lol.  I went thursday morning to albany to have my surgery.  It started with a bunch of paper work and I nervously answered questions.  I had to fill out a proxy thinger about who can make medical decisions for me in the event that I can't (scary).  Then I had to pee in a cup so they could give me a pregnancy test (they said it was standard procedure) it was still annoying.  Then I had to put on one of those god awful hospital gowns that show your butt.  They made me take out all of my piercings, and I just remembered I never did put any of my ear rings back in.  I was nervous about my tongue closing up so I put it back in while I was waiting and took it out again later.  Mom and I waited in this hospital type room where there were a bunch of people and we were all behind curtains in hospital beds.  They put an iv in me with saline solution, but they didn't put it in my arm, they put it in my wrist, like the side of my rist behind my thumb.  It didn't hurt too bad, but I had never had a needle put there before and I still have a mark.  Then I waited. . .Dr. Silver's resident came to talk to me and told me what meds I would be getting after the surgery and what not.  Then I got a shot in the IV of something to relax me. . .oh yeah. . .I was relaxed.  I was higher than a kite.  It was great.  Then they wheeled me into the operating room and whoever was driving my bed didn't do a good job, they knocked me into everything but I was too high to really care.  Then I had to move from the hospital stretcher dealy to the operating table.  I remember it was very bright and there were a lot of people in there.  One woman put a mask over my mouth to breath and it was easy to breath in but hard to breath out. . .and then I was out.  I guess they had to put a tube down my throat to breath for me and they cauterized where my sist was and stuff.  When I woke up there was some male nurse standing over me writing on a clip board.  My vision was very blurry and I felt like I had been hit by a bus.  I was SOOOOOOOOOOOO thirsty.  He asked me how I was doing and i told him I was thirsty.  He told me to try to sleep for a bit longer and then they would move me into recovery and I could get a drink there, but I was too thirsty to go back to sleep.  They wheeled me into a hospital room because recovery was closed (how does recovery close?) and they got me water and apple juice.  I was SOOOOOOOO thirsty.  Then my mom came in.  I could have slept for a lot longer and rested, but I wasn't really comfortable.  So after a few minutes I got up.  I was really dizzy and my legs hurt.  They were worried about that.  It felt like I had really bad charlie horses in my legs, they were concerned I had blood clots.  But I got up and walked around a little and sat in a comfy chair and I started to feel better.  My throat was sore from the tubes and when I looked in the mirror I was all puffy.  No bruising, but my eye lids were swolen.  I got a bunch of ice pops and then they took the IV out, gave me some meds, and asked if I was ready to go home.  I was.  I had to wear this gauze under my nose called moustache dressing.  It was essentially rolled up gauze taped under my nose to catch the blood. . .it was really sexy lol.  The next day my entire body ached and they determined it was from the anestesia and not blood clots.  It was awful.  The meds were great, but it was awful.  After a few days the pain wore off, I didn't have to wear the moustache dressing, and I stopped taking pain pills, but I got really sick from the antibiotics.  Thats why I'm here now.  I'm at work with my mom so I can go see the doctor to have him take the splits out because they are making me sick.  I was supposed to have them taken out on thursday.  They're really annoying and I think I will feel 100x better once they are out.  But I survived. 

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Last Concert

Last night was my last high school orchestra concert. . .rough!!! I started crying in the middle of "Send in the Clowns" and I couldn't read my music so I was playing from memory while sobbing.  Then Mr. Milman made a short speech and announced all of the seniors and I cried even more. . .and I cried even more when the concert was done.  Strange however, today was my last day of school and I DID NOT shed one tear.  I don't really think its become real to me that I am done with high school. . .it probably won't until graduation.  I think besides the fact that we were all crying, our concert went well and it was fun.  Wish me luck on my surgery tomorrow.  I'm a little worried about my tongue because I have to take my tongue ring out and your mouth heals very fast so I might lose my piercing. . .which would suck but I probably won't go and have it done again.  I hope that if I take it out at the last minute and put it back in as soon as possible I might be able to save it.  We'll see.  I'll let you know how it goes as soon as I'm up and running again. 

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Last few days

Well my senior prom wasn't as amazing as people make it out to be.  I went through the motions and danced with a few of my friends. . .but prom really isn't my thing and I kinda knew I wasn't going to enjoy it all that much.  But 50 bobby pins and 4 shampoo sessions later I am done with that and I can mark it off of my check list.  Tonight is my last high school orchestra concert and tomorrow is my last day of high school.  I took my geology final first period today and I'm taking my precalc final next period.  Geology was easy and I was done with in like 20 mins.  I can't believe its done.  I am happy that its over but at the same time I'm sad.  This year went by so fast.  If nothing else, this year I've really learned who my true friends are and they will be the ones I make an effort to keep in contact with over the next few years, you know who you are.  Tonight will be sad. . .I think it will be the hardest part of graduating.  I can't believe tomorrow is my last day.  Honestly though. . .as I experience all of this, I can't help but think of my cousin and how she never got to do these things.  She never got to go to prom, or graduation, or turn 18, or go gambling. . .every time I experience something new because of my age I think of her and how she died when she was only 16.  I don't feel lucky that I get to experience it. . .I feel sad that she didn't. . .idk. . .just a thought. 

Friday, June 4, 2010

End of Senior Year

As of wednesday I am officially done with my senior year and highschool in general.  This whole time I have been counting down the days and now that its here. . .I want to cry.  A couple of weeks ago we got our yearbooks and I wished all of my friends the best of luck and more or less left them a goodbye note.  I teared up while writing a few of them.  I don't think any of the messages I left were less than about half a page, Gabby got a page and a half lol.  Its sad.  Graduation always seemed to be like this mythical thing that would never come to be. . .but here it is looking us in the face.  I'm here looking back and I'm in disbelief.  Signing yearbooks was hard and I plan to dedicate posts to a few of my friends here.  Then yesterday I went to my sisters choir concert, but there were a few other groups performing as well such as the 6th grade orchestra.  They played two of the same songs I played when I was in middle school and that made me cry because it seems like yesterday I was in the 6th grade orchestra playing Canon and Ode to Joy.  Tuesday is my last highschool orchestra concert and I know I won't make it all the way through without crying.  Mr. Milman has been teaching me since I was in the 5th grade and we've made it so far. . .and now its all coming to an end.  Tomorrow is my senior prom and I'm sure there will be some tears shed then as I spend one of the last days at a school event with all my friends.  We are all going in different directions and starting our own lives on different paths.  I tear up when I think about it. . .not all bad tears although I'm sad its coming to an end, but I just can't believe it and I am so happy for everyone.  We've spent so many years together with our back packs on our backs and lunches in our hands. . .the days where we had one teacher a day to now where most of us cut more classes than we go to. . .and now its all ending and I'm not going to see these people on a daily basis.  We've anticipated this day since the first day of kindergarden and now its here and its like being struck by lightening.  Its hard to imagine anything different than what our life has been for the last 17-18 years.  But I wish the entire class of 2010 the best.  See you at prom tomorrow and graduation on the 25th. 

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

My Essay

I wrote an essay today for a scholarship.  The assignment was to write about an experience that impacted your life.  I, of course, wrote about my cousin.  I really liked the essay that I wrote.  I started by saying that every day is filled with experiences that impact our lives forever no matter how small or unnoticable.  Then I talked about my relationship with my cousin and how we were more like sisters.  In the car she had an accident in there was a picture and on the back it was made out ot me.  It was found after she was dead and her grandmother mailed it to me.  On the back she told me she loved me and always would and she considered me a sister.  That picture is very important to me.  I didn't talk about that in my essay but I just thought about it and thought I would share it with you.  Then, in the essay, I talked about the accident and how it affected me.  I said I would never forget the phone call, the pain, and the funeral, but I said my story has a happy ending.  I learned a lot from that experience and I've gained so much.  As a result I am a safer driver and think a little bit more about my decisions and how everything I do affects the people around me.  I had to cope with her death and that helped me to grow and I will be able to help other people in similar situations a lot better.  Her death is also what is driving me to become a psychologist so I can help people like her, or people like me.  I also said that if there is anything I want to get out of this life. . .I want to save just one person because, in my mind, saving one person is helping to save the world.  I would do anything to go back and change what happened that day and save my cousin, but because I can't I deal with the cards I'm dealt and TRY to make the best out of it. 


Well I have my surgery in a week from tomorrow.  Am I scared?  yes.  I'm not so much scared about the surgery itself. . .well I am because my brain could leak, I could lose my vision, my eye could push out. . .etc, but I'm more scared about the pain that I'm going to be in afterward.  I'm scared because I really don't know how much pain I'm going to be in. . .is there going to be a lot of blood?  Bruising?  I'm not looking forward to that at all.  I know its supposed to make a lot of things better, like I won't get migrains anymore, and I won't have 6 sinus infections a year, and I'll be able to breath better. . .but I'm still scared.  I'm also not looking forward to be in bed for 10 days with straws up my nose.  I hope I'm all good and back to normal come time for graduation.  Ughhh. . .wish me luck and come visit me when I'm all blahhh

I'll Be There

I want you to know that I'm here.  You can put me away, and hide me in the floor boards if you want.  Or keep me in a secret drawer.  You can bury me beside the old willow tree, or just keep me in your pocket.  But I want you to know when you decide to look for me again, or you feel that you need me, I will be right where you left me.  I may not be the same.  The earth may have changed me, but I will always be there, and I know I will always want to listen.  No, I don't like being pushed aside, but I take it.  I take all the beatings I'm dealt and keep moving.  Why?  Hell if I know.  But I do. . .and regardless I will be here ready and waiting for when you need me, even if you've caused nothing but pain for me.  I will be there.  Comfortable like an old blanket or reliable like a memory.  I'm always there.