4 Years. . .

Mood: Reminiscent 

Weather:  Chilly but otherwise a nice day :)

I can't believe its been 4 years.  November 6th, tomorrow, will be 4 years since the day Jessie died.  Its always been a hard day for me. . .and quite honestly probably always will be.  This day changed my life. . .and I will never be the same.  For those of you that don'e know, Jessica Canfield was my cousin.  She was almost exactly a year older than me and we were best friends.  We grew up together and November 6th, 2007 she was taken from me.  My cousin, her little sister, and Jessie's best friend all skipped school and were driving through the town of Florida. . .she over turned and then over corrected and hit a tractor trailer head on.  Her best friend broke her leg.  Her little sister, who was 11 at the time. . .was nearly cut in half by her seat belt and is now confined to a wheel chair because she is paralyzed from the waste down.  When I got that phone call that night. . .a part of me died, and an even bigger part of me died when I saw her laying in a box. . .motionless at the funeral 6 days later.  Tomorrow will be 4 years. . .4 years.  That's 1461 days.  She was like a sister to me and I miss her very much.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. . .and remember her.  I am going to the cemetery tomorrow, I go at least twice every year, on the anniversary and on her birthday.  I love you and miss you to death Jess.  I wish you were here with me. . .there is so much I want to tell you.  I want you to meet Jack, and CJ.  I want my best friend back.  RIP Jess <3 

Halloween 2011

Its ironic how halloween is my favorite holiday.  So many people have come and gone this time of year its a wonder how I can even be in the mindset to celebrate.  The one year anniversary of David's death was just the other day, and the four year anniversary of Jessie's death is fast approaching on the 6th.  I said goodbye to Chris, and hello to Tim this time of year as well.  I started work at Mercato's and withdrew from Oneonta. I got pneumonia and had my lung collapse two years ago about this time. . .same time I broke up with Chris and shortly after began my relationship with Tim.  Now I've just left the nursing program. . .and my way.  I've spent so many days in bed crying this time of year.  Despite it all, Halloween is my favorite type of year.  Perhaps its because a part of me is still just that morbid, or perhaps its the one day I can acceptably not be myself and escape.  Whatever the reason, halloween is on monday and dammit I still don't know what I want to be.  I suppose it doesn't really matter seeing as I have to work all weekend prior, and go to school the night of.  But I'm sure I'll dress up as something, even if I find it in my own closet.  Happy halloween, here's to hoping that this year. . .I won't be spending any more days in bed crying. . .just celebrating :)

Happy Birthday Jessie

So today would have been Jessie's 20th birthday.  For those of you that haven't been reading my blog for very long, Jessie is my cousin and she passed away November 6, 2007 in a car accident.  We were very close and her death has had a HUGE impact on my life. . .I go to the cemetary twice a year: November 6th and January 4th.  This year. . .I almost forgot her birthday.  I remember thinking about it towards the end of december, but somehow it slipped my mind until last night.  I started bawling when I remembered because I hated myself for nearly forgetting.  I am petrified of forgetting her. . .I guess I still haven't let go and I'm not sure I ever will or if I even can.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about her and remember her. . .not a day goes by that it still doesn't hurt.  There are still days that I cry when I think of her and when it hurts so bad I have to drag myself out of bed in the morning.  I'm not sure its ever going to be REALLY okay. . .but I'm not even sure I would ever want it to be.  I don't want to forget her.  I don't want to lose her in a sense. . .I feel like if it started to really be okay, that would mean I was forgetting her and she was drifting into the back of my memory. . .I don't want that.  I want to remember her.  I still remember the sound of her voice and her smile and her laugh. . .oh Jessie, I miss you like hell and love you so much.  I wish you were still here with me.  Rest in Peace hun. 

Do you remember. . .?

Do you remember the day we met?
I remember what what you wore.
I remember how sick I was, and you thought I wasn't interested.
Do you remember the first time we made love?
I will never forget it.
Do you remember the first time I told you I loved you?
I do, even though I've said it at least a million times since then.
Do you remember our song?
If you don't, you can find it on my blog :P
Do you remember that time in the car, with your bestfriend in the back seat?
How about the picture the 3 of us took together?
Do you remember when you went with me to the cemetary?
I really appreciated that.
Do you remember your going away party?
Do you remember how I tried so hard not to cry the day that you left. . .but failed horribly?
Do you remember all the letters I wrote?
Do you remember what I got you for christmas?
Do you remember what I got your parents for christmas?
Do you remember going to the movies with me? 
Do you remember what we saw? 
We went to 3 of them.
Do you remember where you bought my ring?
Do you remember what it looked like?
How many diamonds did it have?
Do you remember new years eve?
Do you remember when we brought you back to the airport?
I hated that day soo much.
Do you remember when I went to see you graduate?
Do you remember the bathroom?
I remembered feeling choking back tears the whole way home.
I missed you soo much.
Do you remember that night in May?
It was warm that night.
I remember how you used to kiss me. . .how I used to feel when you would kiss me.
I remember how happy I was when I would get a letter from you.
I remember how you rubbing your head made you fall asleep.
I remember the moment I decided I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
I remember agreeing to marry you.
I remember the pain I felt every time I had to say goodbye again.
I remember the day we called it quits.
The only thing I don't remember. . .is when I fell out of love with you.

Going to College Tomorrow. . .Memories

So tomorrow morning I leave for college and it wasn't until today that it REALLY hit me.  I was driving in the car with two of my best friends, Kelsey and Gabby, when I realized that was going to be the last time we are all together to do that for a while. . .some of my friends from high school I may never see again, others I hope never to see again lol.  I thought about all the fun times we've had.  Like last night, will remain in my memory forever.  Kelsey and I drove to Gabby's work to surprise her.  I plan was to show up and hide in the back seat of her car and scare her when she gets in, well it was very light because she was parked by the building and she had nothing in her car for us to hide under so instead I moved her car (she had her doors unlocked and her keys in the ignition) to the other side of the parking lot where it was dark and she couldn't see it, then kelsey and I got back in my car to wait.  It took Gabby a little while to finally realize that her car was missing, but when she did she started to freak out.  Kelsey and I were laughing hysterically and Gabby heard us but she couldn't figure out who we were, then she finally said "Jocelyn?" and came over to the car.  She was still kinda freaking out and asking where we put her car.  It was too funny.  It was the best time I've had in a long time and we made Gabby's night.  I loved it, but at the same time I'm sad because I won't be able to do these types of things with them for a while.  Sure, I'm going to make new memories with new friends but its still sad because although the book isn't ending, one more chapter is, and a whole new one is starting tomorrow morning.  Am I scared?  yeah.  Am I anxious? yeah.  Am I excited?  yeah.  Am I sad?  yeah. . .i'm full of emotions right now.  Its weird to think that I am no longer in high school. . .that I'm MOVING OUT of my house. . .that I'm going to college. . .I graduated from a high school with 82 students in my graduating class.  I knew everyone.  Now I'm going to a school with thousands of students, and as of right now. . .I know a hand full.  I've never been good a goodbyes, or letting go of things, but right now I have to say goodbye to everyone and everything that has made up my life for the last 18 years and let go of it to take on a whole new. . .everything.  I drove by my high school today. . .so many memories.  I drove by that place where ashley, laura, and I went when we ditched school to get squished.  I drove by wintergreen park.  Then on my way home. . .I got pulled over because my dad's tail light is out (didn't get a ticket though) lol.  The point is that there are a lot of memories here and I just feel sad because I'm leaving the people that I've made them with.  Imma miss you guys.  Love you.  Suny Oneonta Class of 2014!