Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Everything I've ever wanted

Everything I want is right in front of me.  When I say everything, I MEAN EVERYTHING!! Standing in front of me, screaming in my face.  I see it. . .right there. . .why don't I reach for it and grab it?? Why do I hesitate?  Everything I've ever wanted has been waiting. . .right in front of me for over a year.  I've seen it there, sitting, waiting. . .staring at me in the face.  I've touched it, but then I run away.  Does it seem too good to be true?  Do I enjoy pain?  Why can't I make things easy on myself?  No. . .I run away and find something that is masked like everything I've ever wanted.  I take that and play with it. . .while everything I have ever wanted sits in the corner still waiting and watching. . .waiting for me to get sick of the toy I had chosen.  I always do. . .I toss it aside and everything I've ever wanted stands back up, aproaches me like I never tossed it aside, takes my hands and looks deep into my eyes. . .I never look into its eyes however.  I look away.  Like I'm afraid to face it.  Why??  So here it is. . .holding my hands, staring at me.  Telling me that it's everything I've ever wanted, and that I'm everything its ever wanted.  That its been waiting. . .only for me. . .I look into its eyes. . .and just stand there.  Toys are taunting me all around with their colors and bells. . .I could easily go and play with one of them. . .am I ready for everything I've ever wanted?? Ready to put the toys away?  I take a deep breath and. . .


Yeah. . .believe it or not Tim and I are done.  It hurts to tell the story but I will anyways.  I went to a party last weekend.  Before going I asked Tim's permission.  He said I could go and to have fun. . .Well I did just that. . .perhaps a little too much fun.  I guess I don't know my own limits like I thought I did.  I got messed up to the point where I was sitting on the couch talking to someone that wasn't there.  I don't even remember what happened that night. I know I called Tim and I was just beyond messed up.  This worried him and he didn't sleep all night.  The next morning I apologized.  Not only for worrying him and keeping him up but also for getting so messed up.  I told him I wasn't going to get that messed up at a party again unless he was there.  I said sorry. . .he was talking to me for a while and then he said he had to go.  I didn't hear from him again, and I still haven't.  This was sunday.  Well yesterday I was on myspace and I looked at his profile. . .he had been on myspace the day before.  He hadn't talked to me since around noon on sunday.  So he could go online, but he couldn't call me or return my calls or texts or anything.  So I sent him a message on myspace saying just that and that I was done.  I changed my relationship statuses reluctantly as well as my default pictures of us together.  I made our break up "facebook official."  It hurt.  I was more angry that he couldn't bother to tell me we were done, or say he just didn't want to talk to me right now, or anything.  Well I went to go visit my grandma and when I got home he had also changed his relationship status and his picture.  He made it very obvious that he was ignoring me.  I thought he was more mature than that. . .I thought he would say something if he didn't want to be with me. . .or tell me what was going on at least, but I was wrong.  I still haven't heard from him even now that we're broken up.  His mom called me this morning and told me what happened.  She said he was upset about me getting so messed up at the party.  He didn't want to have to worry about me when I go to college and what not while he is busy in the military.  He also doesn't want to stop me from having fun.  Evidently he is still upset, but I don't know about what.  That is why he won't talk to me. . .I asked him permission to go to that party, he said yes, i apologized for getting so messed up and said I wouldn't do that again with out him being here, he told me not to apologize, I was willing to wait here while he was off in Korea or Afghanistan risking his life while I worry and cry EVERY FREAKING NIGHT. . .I was willing to sacrifice everything. . .pretty much my entire life for him.  He wasn't willing to do the same.  So I'm glad.  I'm glad we broke up in that case because 1. he obviously doesn't love me enough for me to spend the rest of my life with him. 2. he plays the "ignoring" game.  3. I'm free now.  I'm not longer tied down the army wife relationship that I was willing to do.  I don't have to do that now.  Now I can find myself a man that will appreciate me and everything I do and not make me sacrifice so much.  I can have a normal marriage to a man that is here.  I can have the wedding I wanted.  So, although it hurts, the break up is more than likely for the best.  Did I love him?  More than I can put into words.  Do I still? I probably always will because thats just how I am.  I still believe we had something special.  He was special to me.  I loved him, but I think. . .in the back of my mind. . .I knew it wasn't going to work out.  I couldn't talk to him. . .he got angry at the littlest of things and he told his family EVERYTHING I told him.  I was lonely and depressed always. . .so its probably for the best.  It hurts still, I still cry and miss him. . .but I'm going to be okay.  Just have to continue my search for the real "one".