Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Untitled, the person its for will know what I'm talking about ♥

"You must hate me..." You have no idea.  Did you know that hate is very closely related to love?  Hate is a very strong emotion which involves deep concern for someone else.  Am I wrong?  And what is love?  Love is a bit more intense yes, and harder to explain but it is also a very strong emotion which involves deep concern for someone else.  Regardless, I'm going off on a tangent here.  I wonder how they are going to grow up.  You know who I'm talking about.  I wonder whats going to happen on their first date.  I wonder if she will call me crying when she gets dumped.  Will he brag about the first date he "gets some."  I worry about if the word will truely end in 2012, not because I'm scared of dying, but because I'm scared they won't get to experience life. . .I want them to go to prom, graduate, get married.  I want to see it.  I think about these things often.  I watch them grow and I brag about them constantly because of how smart they are, how attractive they are. . .I don't say these things out loud. . .why?  I'm not sure.  I just don't.  Never came up.  There is so much you don't understand.  So much you just don't know.  Thats not your fault.  I've been through so much.  I've seen such things.  I've experienced much worse.  I don't say it out loud because its hard on me to say it, to write it, to remember. . .and I don't want to share that with anyone else.  I just want to protect other people from the things I've been through.  You don't seem to understand that. . .because you don't know what it is I've seen.  Lets keep it that way.  Don't point fingers in blame when you don't understand whoever.  Instead, just ask.  Don't yell, shhhh.  There is so much you don't see, and I try not to ruffle feathers.  Just accept that. 

Mount Everest

I want to climb mount everest with nothing but myself. 
I want to take on the mountain.
I want to feel the cold rocks as I put my fingers in the nooks.
I want to cry as I hoist myself up the steep slopes.
By the time I get to the top I will feel like I'm about to die. 
But at least I will have done it.
I want to climb mount everest even if it takes me a lifetime. 
It will be a lifetime of success. 
The mountain will be my life, my provider, and perhaps my death.
I take the challenge presented to me by mount everest. 
As of today, mount everest is my enemy.
But perhaps tomorrow, it will be my savior.

9 days

In 9 days I will be in Missouri.  In 9 days I get to hug him.  In 9 days I get to kiss him.  In 9 days I am going to burst into tears at the sight of him.  In 9 days I get to see the man I fell in love with months ago graduate from boot camp.  In 9 days I get to see the love of my life for the first time in over a month.  I've had a lot of mixed feelings about seeing him.  Every army girlfriend knows exactly what I mean by this.  Every time you see your guy for the first time in a long time you wonder: Is he going to be the same?  Will he still love me like he used to?  What do I wear? lol I'm serious about the last one too.  I know that every time I see him after not seeing him for an extended time I feel like I have to get reaquainted with him.  Like I have to get to know him again.  So far he's been the same each time, and he always loves me more than the last.  Its easy to get back in the swing of things which makes good bye that much harder.  This probably won't be the case when he gets deployed. . .I don't think he will be truely the same.  He told me the day he came back the last time that for every soldier there is an even stronger woman waiting back at home.  I have to be that stronger woman. . .its hard.