Living With A Boy: CJ

Mood: Chillin' 

Weather: Its 7:46 in the morning on my day off. . .No I haven't looked yet.

I had a request to tell you all this story: So Sunday night CJ's best friend, Alex, spent the night.  Monday, CJ took Alex home shortly before I left for school.  In that time, I wrote, with a dry erase marker on our bathroom mirror, "Please Vacuum.  I love you with all my heart. XOXO."  So I talk to him about an hour before he had to be to work and he had just gotten home and not even seen the note yet. . .Fine, I'll buy the excuse, no big deal.  So that night I clean, doing just about everything except vacuuming, and I left the note on the mirror.  Tuesday, I had to be to school early and CJ didn't have to be to work until 1 so he said he would vacuum for me.  When I get home at 12, he brags about having done the dishes. . .but he didn't vacuum!!!  He hates doing dishes, and has told me that he prefers to Vacuum.  And for 2 days I have a note written on the bathroom mirror telling him to vacuum. . .and he does the dishes!!!  I can't win.  Lol.  Well. . .thats my man for you :P Gotta love him

New Beginnings :)

Mood: Happy :) 

Weather: Bipolar :P 

Well I suppose I have a lot to explain, so here it goes.  For about three years my boyfriend, CJ (chauncey) has been in love with me and chasing me, however I didn't have the same feelings for him so I've done nothing but reject him.  I've loved him as a friend, but nothing more and we tried just being friends, but it normally didn't work out too well. . .Well I can't really tell you what changed, but maybe 3 months ago he and I started hanging out again and I fell in love with him.  I realized how much I actually mean to him and it melted my heart so I decided to give him another shot and here we are.  I couldn't be more happy or more in love with him and we just moved into our own apartment yesterday :)))  People pick on me because of how hard I've tried to find someone for the last year and a half and everything has ended in a trainwreck and then as soon as I try something different. . .it works.  He is completely different than the normal type of guy I go for. . .but I honestly wouldn't change a thing.  I am so happy.  He makes me feel so beautiful, special, and safe. . .I knew that he would from the day he told me he had feelings for me, but I just didn't have the same feelings at the time. . .I'm so glad that I do now and that everything seems to be working out.  Yesterday we moved into our new apartment in Schenectady, its a cute little one bedroom where I can keep Jack and its much closer to CJ's work.  I'll keep you updated, I just hope I don't have to write another post titled "Single. . .again" :P Wish me luck!!!

Ryan

Okay sooo. . .I've been seeing this guy for about 2 and a half weeks now and we made our relationship official a little over a week ago :)  Its been about 2 months since Tim and I split up and since then I have been doing a lot of dating.  I've gone out with a few different type of guys and had no intentions of really making it official with any of them.  They weren't quite what I was looking for.  I really didn't think I was going to get into another relationship until college because I'm going away and that usually causes a lot of drama that I would rather not be a part of.  Well all of that changed when I met Ryan.  I felt an instant connection to him, it was amazing.  We talked for hours on our first date and we discovered we have the same birthday (except he is 4 years older than me) and we are both planning to go to Oneonta in the fall :)  I think he felt the same connection and how easily we get along and communicate.  It was great.  Then, because we both still live at home, we had the lovely experience of meeting each others parents while still getting to know each other.  My parents, especially my mom, like him a lot.  My mom said that she liked him almost instantly (I can relate).  I really like his dad as well, he's a really cool, laid back kind of guy and from what Ryan tells me, he likes me too.  We had some complications when deciding whether or not to be together.  I was all for it, but he was a little more apprehensive.  He had never really been in a relationship before and I think he was scared and if the relationship fell through he didn't want to lose me completely because of something like that.  I understood and told him I would be happy with what I did have with him.  Well within a few days we talked about it and decided we wanted to be together and we were already a couple so there was no point in not having the title.  Thus far, I think we're both pretty happy with our decision.  I love it because I get to see him nearly every day because he only lives about 25 minutes away.  I can talk to him, and I don't worry that he is going to get mad or upset with me because of my thoughts or feelings.  We have a lot of long, interesting conversations that don't always make sense, but we love the time we share together.  We have fun and as far as I know we're both really happy :)  I'll post pictures soon once I have more of us.  Its nice to find a guy that treats me right, is mature, and has so much in common with me, but we also have a lot of differences to keep it interesting.  I love talking to him. . .I love his mind.  :)

My Ideal Future

If everything went my way, I would be the happiest if this was my future:
I get accepted into Long Island C.W Post, I engaged to the man of my dreams while attending school and then get married over the summer one year. I pass all of classes and succeed very well and move in with the man that I love more than anything. We have a beautiful wedding where both of our friends and families attend and are so happy for us. They both support us both because they know how happy we are. I have my first child shortly after graduating from college and then get a job teaching at a near by school. My husband and I have as many children as we can easily support and they all go to college and do very well. My husband and I are comfortably wealthy and have a large home in a nice neighborhood which is good for raising kids. We grow old together and live long enough to see our grandchildren get married. That is my ideal life.

♥Timmy♥

Well I am dating this guy named Tim and he is. . .amazing. He is so sweet and handsome, I love spending time with him. I didn't really have any intentions of starting another relationship before college, but after meeting him and spending time with him I couldn't resist. He took my breath away and swept me off my feet. Everytime we talk he makes me feel so special, beautiful, and amazing. When he kisses me I feel like the only girl on the planet. When he holds me in his arms I almost forget to breath. I love all of his plans for his future, its nice to hear them. I'm the type of person that has been planning for my future since I knew how to, and I've never really met a guy that even had the beginnings of plans and the things he feels are most important in life and some of the same things I believe are most important. We have quite a bit in common, but we have a lot of differences to keep it interesting. We share a lot of the same desires and we just have great chemistry. I am very sad that he is leaving for the army in a month, but he will come back a month after that and I can write to him in the meantime. I'm really interested to see where this relationship will go, until then, I am REALLY REALLY HAPPY. So Timmy, this is for you baby. ♥

The OTHER Confusing Situation

Well, as you all know Chris and I broke up a little over a week ago.  If you had read my previous blogs you know that it was a hard break up and our friendship also went down the tubes.  If you don't already know all of this I suggest you read my blogs starting with "The Fair" to get yourself updated because if you don't you will not understand this blog at all.  Well. . .even if you had read those blogs you may not understand this one.  I'm still confused myself.  Well lets see. . .the other night Chris and I were talking, he was still begging me to be his friend and telling me how miserable he was, and I was still shouting "I DON'T CARE!!!" But when his roommate expressed to me that Chris may not really be over me like I thought I decided to cool it a little.  I believed that because he was the one that broke up with me because he didn't have feelings for me, and then told me that he never did love me, he was going to handle this just fine and get over me really fast.  It confused me that he got upset when he found out I was seeing other guys and begged for my friendship.  But I guess his roommate was right, Chris wasn't over me.  So I decided if that was the case then I wouldn't make the situation harder on him and I would be civil.  So we started talking on aim for a while about different things and it was good.  It was nice to talk to him.  Then we started talking on the phone.  Well we ended up talking for like 4-5 hours.  We talked about our relationship and the break up and he made me realize that I had done things in our relationship that hurt him as well.  He didn't like to tell me what was bothering him so I never really knew when he was hurting or feeling a certain way, but I didn't always make it easy for him to tell me.  It was always on my terms, I would listen when I wanted to and have him tell me when I wanted him too.  That was wrong.  I didn't really realize what I had done until the other night, but if I had thought about it earlier I would have realized it.  So I apologized for having done that.  I hadn't realized how much he had put up with while dating me and I didn't appreciate it until now and I made sure to tell him that.  But its hard for me to know what is bothering him when he doesn't tell me.  There were a lot of times when I would ask for hours what was bothering him and beg to talk about it and he just wouldn't.  We were both at fault.  That doesn't make what he did any better though.  He did still break my heart and lied a lot.  He admitted to me during our conversation that he did love me and always had.   He said that he told me he hadn't so that I would lose hope in getting back together.  He said he was very much confused and he's not even sure why he broke up with me.  He was overwhelmed and confused so he acted with out really thinking about it.  I understand confusion, but what he did. . .idk.  He purposely hurt me, he made me cry, he broke my heart, he made me believe our entire relationship was nothing more than a lie and something for him to do.  Then he changes his mind and tells me that he loves me and all of that was a lie.  So what was the lie? What was true? What am I supposed to believe? Then I asked him if he wanted me back and he said yes.    Can you say whiplash??? I didn't know what to think.  So I told him that we could start over From the beginning.  We could go on our first date again and see where it goes.  I told him that we could start seeing each other, but I was going to keep my dates with other people.  We weren't together yet, but we would be sooner or later.  I told him I didn't trust him and that he needed to figure out what he really wanted.  I told him that if he really did love me and if I was what he REALLY wanted he would have to prove it to me.  He said he was willing to do that.  He said I was the one he loved and the one he wanted.  So I gave him a chance.  We went to the Fonda Fair for our "first date."  He paid for everything and did all he could to make sure I was happy, just like he has always done.  We went on rides, and he won me 7 stuffed animals that I got to carry around all day.  Then at the end of the night, he drove me home and walked me to the door and we shared our "first kiss." His effort was flattering.  He made me very happy that night and even gave me butterflies.  Then he went home and went back to college the next day, but ended up having to come back because my computer had gotten a virus and was destroying itself!!  So he came back and played hero and saved me :D, then he went home again and came back this weekend to see me, take me out to dinner, spend time together.  He asked me out the other night while he was holding me close in my room.  I had no choice but to say yes.  I do love him very much and always have.  I am scared that the reason he wants me back is because he is once again sad, bored, and lonely and he got jealous that I was doing just fine with out him.  I am scared that this is going to happen again.  I'm scared of his intentions and his ability to hurt me, but I trust him.  If he says he won't then I just have to believe him.  I can't go the rest of my life being afraid because any guy could do the samething to me.  But I told him that if he does decide to do this to me again we will be done.  I will not speak to him, I will block him on every device possible and he will be sooo done.  I won't forgive him again.  I'm giving him another chance and its up to him how he is going to take it.  There will not be a next time.  Until then, we are back together and I love him and he swears left and right that he loves me more than anything.  We will see.  Wish me luck. 

The Fair :(

I've been putting off posting this because it still kind of hurts, but right now I'm feeling sooo much better and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders so I guess this is as good a time as any.  Well this is what happened.  On friday my family and I traveled 2 hours to go to the state fair.  Chris was going to meet us there after his class.  I dropped off my cell phone and his GPS to him on our way up there because his college is on the way that way when he got there he could just text my mom and we could find him.   Well I had been so excited about this event.  The fair is my ideal date: playing games, riding rides, eating horrible food, winning teddy bears. . .Thats what I wanted to do with Chris.  I had been so excited.  Well Chris showed up about 2 hours later than what I had expected, but that didn't really matter because all I wanted was to enjoy the fair with him.  Well after he got there we were talking.  I was telling him how I felt and he was acting sort of funny.  So I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing.  So then. . .I asked him if he was breaking up with me and he said "I don't know" but in the form of "yes."  I was shocked, I was so hurt.  Part of me really did know this was coming.  Thats why I made the video and everything because I felt it coming to an end and i wanted to stop it, but I wasn't expecting him to it then.  He knew how excited I was about the fair and how badly I wanted to enjoy it with him.  I begged him not to (I know. . . I'm pathedic. . .I've never begged someone not to go before) Then I felt a panic attack coming on, I didn't want to cry in front of hundreds of people or ruin the fair for my family so I told Chris I wanted to go home.  I told my parents what had happened and they agreed Chris had horrible timing and they felt really bad.  I really wanted to stay, but I didn't want to ruin their fun.  So Chris brought me home.  I had to ride in a car for 2 hours with him and just cry and ask him why and tell him how badly I hurt.  Then he had to stay at the house with me because mom didn't want me alone and I honestly wasn't ready for him to leave yet.  I layed in bed and cried, I wanted nothing more than to die right there.  I told him he was selfish and all he cared about was himself.  I asked him why and he said because he didn't love me anymore and I didn't make him happy.  He told me that for most of it he was happy, but not all of it.  That crushed me.  I felt so horrible.  All I wanted to do was to make him happy, and he didn't.  What made it worse was on Wednesday he had told me that he did love me and that he was happy we were making everything work.  He made it sound like everything was so good and he made me believe he did love me.  He stayed until 11 I think, he fell asleep behind me and I wanted to fall asleep and just let him stay there but he was snoring. . .lol.  I had asked him earlier in one of my crying fits to stay at his house that night instead of going back to college so that I could just see him for a little while tomorrow.  I told him that I needed him and he said that he would be there for me if he could.    He said that he would help me through this.  So he agreed to stay the night.  He told me to wake him up the next morning between 10 and 11 and he would come over and then leave at like 1:30 when I had to go to work.  So I said okay.  Well, the next morning I decided I didn't want to see him.  I had to work that day and I didn't want to cry before work because crying makes me look all puffy, but when 1 o'clock rolled around I really wanted to see him one last time.  So I called him and told him I let him sleep in, but asked him if he would just stop in to work before he left.  He said that he would, and I believed him.  Needless to say he didn't.  I went to work and did all I could to keep it together.  I faked smiles and happy greetings.  As the hours passed I grew more and more depressed because I knew he wasn't coming.  So I called his house just to see if he was still there and his father said he had already left.  Thats when I broke down.  Another lie, and another broken promise. . .nothing more than another disappointment.  I had to leave work early because if I didn't I was going to have a panic attack and I was going to get sick.  I told one of the key holders that I felt sick and he let me leave immediately.  I went home and called my mother to come home because I didn't want to be alone.  She was at our family reunion.  She came home to be with me.  She talked to me and calmed me down because I was hysterical.  She helped me to remember myself and remember my strength.  She helped me realize things and to take a step back.  When I was calm enough I talked to chris.  This is when he admitted to me that he never loved me.  When we had met, I was his first girlfriend.  He was bored and lonely and didn't like to be home.  He never really did much and he wanted some companionship.  Then I came along.  I was his option.  I was the person he could spend every day with and get away from home.  I was something to do.  I was someone that loved him.  I was someone that made him feel better about himself.  He used me for something to do.  Now I can't write this blog and make him seem like a complete asshole even though I would like to.  He was good to me during our entire relationship until we broke up the first time a few weeks ago.  He always treated me well and went out of his way to make and keep me happy.  He went along with what I wanted to do and supported all of my crazy ideas.  He was there for me when I needed him and made me one of the happiest people on the planet for the last 9 months.  So maybe I did live a lie for the last 9 months.  Maybe I did believe in something that wasn't real.  But I was happy. . .and they say never regret something that once made you happy.  and I don't.  I don't regret anything we did together, anything I told him, or anything we shared.  When he admitted this to me thats when I was able to let go.  Thats when I felt better.  I don't know why this made me feel better.  It probably should have made me feel worse.  I think I knew all along this is what our relationship was and the truth. . .made it better?  I don't know but having him admit this to me helped me be okay.  I know it doesn't make sense, at least it doesn't to me, but thats what happened.  So we talked a bit longer and agreed that he's the only one that knows me for me, and I'm the only person that knows him for him.  We agreed that we were more than just a couple, we were bestfriend and even though he did hurt me I will always consider him my bestfriend.  I know what its like to be lonely and to wish for someone to come away and make the pain and loneliness go away so I guess I can't blame him for what he did.  Yes I was used, yes I was lied to. . .but I forgive him because I understand how it feels.  He's just too immature to know what his actions will do to other people.  I'm still too immature to know that.  We decided its best not to talk for a while unless we need to.  We agreed not to delete each other as friends on websites or to block each other.  We agreed to be friends again once this all blows over and we're both able to do that.  I went to bed feeling alone, lied to, used, pathedic, and unloved.  But right now, thanks to all my friends and family, I feel so loved.  He is one person in the world.  I had dinner tonight with 18 family members that love me.  I've gotten support from over 40 people in the last few days, all of which are friends and family.  If I can have 40 people love me, and have one say that he didn't. . .I guess thats okay.  I want to thank my Mom and Soon-To-Be-Dad for being there and talking me through this.  I may be the strong one, but when I'm not you guys are there to hold me up.  I also want to thank Chris's dad and step mom for their prayers and support.  Right now I feel like a weight has been lifted and like I can breath okay for the first time in a while.  I really am going to be okay. 

The Confusing Situation

Over a year ago my mother told my grand parents (my fathers parents) that I wanted my step father to adopt me.  I've always had a very good relationship with them and whenever I would go down to visit my father I always stayed with them.  They were always very good to me and my family.  Well when my mother broke the news to them, that all changed.  My mother told my father that I wanted to be adopted and that all he had to do was pay the child support he owed me (about $5,000) and he wouldn't have to pay another penny.  So he just had to pay what he owed, he didn't have to pay anything while he was coming up with the money or anything while the adoption process was taking place.  I told my mother that I really didn't want anything from him, but she said he owed it to me so I said ok.  So I asked my mother if, with that money, I could get a car and put whatever was left towards college.  So one august morning my grandmother calls me and the first thing she asks is if anyone aside from my little brother and sister were home, and I said no because my step dad and mom were both at work.  She wanted to make sure that they were gone so that she could verbally attack me and break me down because I wanted to be adopted.  She told me things that went on when my father and mother got divorced (I was 5 at the time!) and did all she could to get me turned against my mother.  My grandmother is a very two faced person.  She always tells me that I am more mature than my father and that she is sorry that I have to deal with him.  She also always told me that she always loved my mother very much.  But like I said, she's two faced.  She always gossips with everyone she can, but then she is nice to the person she is gossiping about.  Well she attacked me because my mother wanted the child support from my father and said that I was being bought and sold and accused me of only using my father for money because I had asked to use that money for a car.  She made it sound like the divorce was all my mothers fault and my father did nothing wrong.  She broke me down until I was in tears and then said goodbye.  I immediately called my mother and told her what had happened.  She was very upset and wrote a letter to my grandmother telling her never to contact my mother again and that if I wanted a relationship with her, that was up to me.  I honestly didn't want much of one after that.  I told myself that if she really loved me she wouldn't have done that.  She would love me no matter what and want whats best for me.  Well almost a year went by and I used that time to think about it.  My grandmother can't admit when she's wrong and if she's hurting she wants to bring down everyone that is around her.  She also likes changing the story around so that she looks like the good guy.  So I was sure that she had turned that entire side of the family against me.  In July I wrote her a letter saying that I was over it and I wanted to put everything behind us and be family again.  I told her that I thought about her and my grandfather very often and missed them and loved them.  I'm sure the rest of the family has no idea that she called me up and attacked me and I'm sure she told them that I wanted nothing to do with them or something to that extent.  But a few weeks after sending the letter she called me.  I didn't expect her to admit she was wrong, but instead she continued to attack me.  I told her how I felt this time.  I told her there was nothing I could do to make her happy and that anything my mother did during the divorce didn't concern me.  Eventually she got the hint and changed the subject.  I didn't expect to hear from her after that and I wasn't all that excited to talk to her again either.  I had tried and she didn't want a relationship.  But to my surprise she began calling me just about every other day and she didn't really say much about the money or the adoption.  (I did use 2,600 for a car btw).  She started talking to me just like she used to and telling me that she loved me again.  I don't know if she sees that she was wrong or what, but I'll take it.  I'm happy to have her as my family even if she isn't everything I want her to be.  She is still very good to me and is and will always be my family.  I talked to my grandfather for the first time today in over a year, we didn't get to talk for very long because he had a meeting to go to but he said he would call me back sometime.  I don't know what he thinks or what he was told.  I never intended to upset them when I asked to be adopted.  I thought they would love me no matter what and want whats best for me.  They both know that my father is an alcoholic, a drug addict, and abusive.  I'm happy to have a relationship with them anyway, i'm greatful for what I have.  That is my confusing situation.