All About Love

I'm only 19, I'll be 20 in January, but in the last few years I think I've learned quite a lot about love.  Love isn't butterflies.  Love isn't sex.  Love isn't love letters and flowers.  Love isn't diamonds.  Love isn't days, weeks, months, or years.  Love isn't whispers in your ears.  Love isn't holding hands.  Love isn't beautiful.  Love isn't kind.  Love isn't indestructible.  And for goodness sakes, love isn't happily ever after.  No no, love is waking up in the morning and kissing despite the god awful morning breath.  Love is waking up with hair in disarray and make up smeared and lying to me that you still think I'm beautiful.  Love isn't compromise, its giving up because dammit you just don't want to argue about it anymore.  Love is driving each other up a wall to the point of wanting to murder each other, but going to bed in each others arms anyways.  Love is waking up and forgetting what it was you went to bed arguing about.  Love definitely hurts.  Love comes, and it goes. . .but love never dies.  Love is biting your tongue.  Love is doing it even though you don't want to.  Love is a commitment.  Love is a verb.  Love can often mean goodbye.  Love is the number one cause of tears in all 50 US states.  Love is tolerance.  Love can kill.  Love is selfless.  Love is jealousy.  Love is frustration.  Love is worry.  Love is stress.  Love is trust.  Love is sticking around, even after the fights, tears, tantrums, break downs, ups, and downs. . .because love is all we've got.  That's what I've learned about love.

Enough Said :D Part II

Changing It Up

I don't know if you've noticed, but I've actually been working all day long on getting a new template for my blog.  I've changed it probably about 15 times today and I've finally (maybe) settled on this one.  I figured that since its just passed the 1 year anniversary of my blog and I haven't changed the template since I made it. . .it was time for a change.  I like this template because its very. . .me.  Everything I stand for involves peace and love so I thought this was appropriate.  I hope you like it, if not. . .oh well, I can't please everyone.  Enjoy :D

It Doesn't Mean I Love You

If I embellish your name in hearts, that doesn't mean I love you.
If I put a plus sign between our names, that doesn't mean I love you.
If I carve our initials in a tree within a heart, that doesn't mean I love you.
If I tell you I want to be yours, that doesn't mean I love you.
If I tell you that you take my breath away, that doesn't mean I love you.
If I call you every night, and see you every day. . .that doesn't mean I love you.
If I put your picture on my desk or on my wall, that doesn't mean I love you.
If I dream about you every night and wake up thinking about you, that doesn't mean I love you.
Even if I say I love you. . .yeah, even that doesn't mean I love you.
When I kiss you, in a way that can't be described with words and then I sit there with my eyes still closed just holding you. . .
When I look into your eyes, not saying anything for a long time, just looking deeply. . .
When I fall asleep in your arms, or when you fall asleep in mine. . .
When I don't even have to say it and you just know. . .
When I trust you enough to tell you everything, even things that make me cry just to think about them. . .
When I listen to every story you have to tell, even if I think they're stupid and smile and laugh on queue. . .
When I let you cry on my shoulder. . .
When I trust you enough to cry on your shoulder. . .
When we have formed into each others lives that its just natural. . .
When the butterflies go away for good, and the feeling is replaced by a constant warm glow within. . .
When you know all of these things and feel all of these things without me having to say a word. . .That means I love you.  Thats when I do.  And thats when you'll know.  I won't have to say it.  You'll just know.

♥Richard Gere♥

MARRY ME!!!! XOXOXOX ♥♥♥ lol ;)

That Guy

I'm looking for a guy that likes the stars.  A guy that likes to sit in the grass and just look at them.  I'm looking for a guy that likes to kiss after eating garlic.  A guy that likes warm weather, snuggling, long movies, and quiet staring.  I want a guy that likes to make plans spur of the moment.  A guy that always smells nice, has a big family, and likes to laugh at nothing.  A guy that loves music, and love stories, and silly games like peek-a-boo. A guy that will kiss me first thing in the morning, and right before we fall asleep.  Someone that will drive my car because I don't want to, will listen to my stories even if i've already told them once, will let me wake them up in the middle of the night because I had a nightmare and can't sleep, will kiss my tears away and make the monsters disappear.  Someone that will make me feel beautiful when I look my worst and make me feel alive when I'm feeling down.  Someone that will whisper he loves me when I'm asleep on his lap.  Someone that plays video games while I read, and lets me play with him even though I suck.  Someone that will surprise me with flowers and pick me up from school just because.  Someone that will eat my cooking even if its horrible, someone who will make me laugh when I feel like I'm about to cry.  Someone that will make my mom laugh, and my dad smile.  Someone who will play games with my brother and sister, pick on my friends, and read my blog.  The guy that will tuck me in at night, argue with me about who loves who more or about silly things just so we can talk about something and laugh.  I just want a guy that will love me like no one ever has, kiss me like he will never get another chance, touch me like I'm the only other human being on the planet, and let me love him back just as much.  I want that guy.  I want my prince charming. 

Single

Yeah. . .believe it or not Tim and I are done.  It hurts to tell the story but I will anyways.  I went to a party last weekend.  Before going I asked Tim's permission.  He said I could go and to have fun. . .Well I did just that. . .perhaps a little too much fun.  I guess I don't know my own limits like I thought I did.  I got messed up to the point where I was sitting on the couch talking to someone that wasn't there.  I don't even remember what happened that night. I know I called Tim and I was just beyond messed up.  This worried him and he didn't sleep all night.  The next morning I apologized.  Not only for worrying him and keeping him up but also for getting so messed up.  I told him I wasn't going to get that messed up at a party again unless he was there.  I said sorry. . .he was talking to me for a while and then he said he had to go.  I didn't hear from him again, and I still haven't.  This was sunday.  Well yesterday I was on myspace and I looked at his profile. . .he had been on myspace the day before.  He hadn't talked to me since around noon on sunday.  So he could go online, but he couldn't call me or return my calls or texts or anything.  So I sent him a message on myspace saying just that and that I was done.  I changed my relationship statuses reluctantly as well as my default pictures of us together.  I made our break up "facebook official."  It hurt.  I was more angry that he couldn't bother to tell me we were done, or say he just didn't want to talk to me right now, or anything.  Well I went to go visit my grandma and when I got home he had also changed his relationship status and his picture.  He made it very obvious that he was ignoring me.  I thought he was more mature than that. . .I thought he would say something if he didn't want to be with me. . .or tell me what was going on at least, but I was wrong.  I still haven't heard from him even now that we're broken up.  His mom called me this morning and told me what happened.  She said he was upset about me getting so messed up at the party.  He didn't want to have to worry about me when I go to college and what not while he is busy in the military.  He also doesn't want to stop me from having fun.  Evidently he is still upset, but I don't know about what.  That is why he won't talk to me. . .I asked him permission to go to that party, he said yes, i apologized for getting so messed up and said I wouldn't do that again with out him being here, he told me not to apologize, I was willing to wait here while he was off in Korea or Afghanistan risking his life while I worry and cry EVERY FREAKING NIGHT. . .I was willing to sacrifice everything. . .pretty much my entire life for him.  He wasn't willing to do the same.  So I'm glad.  I'm glad we broke up in that case because 1. he obviously doesn't love me enough for me to spend the rest of my life with him. 2. he plays the "ignoring" game.  3. I'm free now.  I'm not longer tied down the army wife relationship that I was willing to do.  I don't have to do that now.  Now I can find myself a man that will appreciate me and everything I do and not make me sacrifice so much.  I can have a normal marriage to a man that is here.  I can have the wedding I wanted.  So, although it hurts, the break up is more than likely for the best.  Did I love him?  More than I can put into words.  Do I still? I probably always will because thats just how I am.  I still believe we had something special.  He was special to me.  I loved him, but I think. . .in the back of my mind. . .I knew it wasn't going to work out.  I couldn't talk to him. . .he got angry at the littlest of things and he told his family EVERYTHING I told him.  I was lonely and depressed always. . .so its probably for the best.  It hurts still, I still cry and miss him. . .but I'm going to be okay.  Just have to continue my search for the real "one". 

Our Song ♥

and if for whatever reason you can't view it on here, here is the link : Two is Better Than One

♥♥♥

Here are some more pix of Timmer that he either sent me or I took myself. 

I love this boy with all my heart and soul.  The only thing I would change is that he is so far away.  I would do anything to be like all my friends and be able to see and talk to their boyfriends when ever they please (except Cassie who is in a similar boat because her lover is in college in VA) Cant wait to be Jocelyn Marisa Manchester ♥♥♥

My Visit With Tim

Well I'm back home from my trip to Missouri.  I only got to see my fiance for about 7.5 hours but I loved every second.  I got to touch him and kiss him and that is what mattered the most.  He looked so sexi in his uniform. . .Class A's. . .is that what they are called?? Well anyways he looked amazing.  Kissing him. . .omg it took my breath away.  Well his mom encouraged us to spend some "special alone time" in the bathroom *wink wink* which was right off of the hotel room (awkward) but we did. . .it was. . .fun haha.  He is just so sexi and I am so in love with him.  I get to talk to him just about every day now which makes me very happy, its the next best thing to seeing him.  The thing about our relationship. . .when i see him for the first time after a long wait its like falling in love at first sight every time.  When I have to go months at a time without seeing him, the moment that I do. . .I can't even put it into words what I feel.  My heart skips a beat and I'm instantly reminded of how much he means to me, and I swear I fall even more in love with him every time.  The bad thing. . .the good byes.  After falling even more in love with him and barely being able to breath every second I spend with him. . .my heart breaks.  I have to say goodbye and know that I won't see him again for a long time.  Do you know what that feels like?? Again. . .lack of words.  My heart breaks.  I can't choke back the tears, they just pour out.  But I swear it makes every moment I have with him that much better, and it makes the next meeting that much more special.  Our love is special because its always new.  Our time together is special because its so rare.  That is why I want to marry him, because Tim and I share something so special and so emotional. . .and I hate that I can't be with him every day, but absense makes the heart grow stronger and without the pain, I couldn't feel compassion. . .our relationship proves this. 

Timothy Evan Manchester Jr.  I love you more than anything.  You and me forever ♥

Would you still love me. . .?

Would you still love me if I dyed my hair green? 
Would you still love me if my skin was all the colors of the rainbow?
Would you still love me if I sounded like a man?
Would you still love me if I was blind?
How about if I couldn't hear?
Couldn't speak?
Would you still love me if I couldn't read or write?
Would you still love me if I couldn't count?
Would you still love me if I could no longer move and was paralyzed?
Would you still love me if I had badly burned most of my body?
Would you still love me if I lost a limb?
Will you love me when my hair is white?
When my skin sags inches lower than it should?
When my boobs are down to my belly button?
When I'm bitter and can't remember anything?
Will you love me no matter what?
No matter what time of day?
No matter where we are?
No matter what happens?
Will you love me as long as your heart is still capable of loving?
I will love you back...

My Ex

So Chris. . .as in my ex. . .so much I want to say, but. . .lack of words.  As of right now he is not speaking to me.  Why?  I haven't the slightest clue.  All I know is he's upset that I'm engaged and he stopped talking to me after he found out.  He tried telling my bestfriend that I cheated on him. . .never happened.  He tried saying that the only reason I'm engaged to Timothy is because he wouldn't take me back. . .not true.  I will admit I have loved Chris since the day we met, I will always love Chris, why?  I have no freaking clue.  I just know I always will.  I never told Chris I wanted to get back with him.  Sure, the thought crossed my mind while Tim and I were having problems, but I never said it out loud and I was never going to actually get back together or ask him to get back together with me because I know we just don't work anymore.  We can't be together for whatever reason, so I wasn't going to try.  I never told him that though.  I understand that for a while was back and forth with what I was going to do with Tim, yes I was confused.  When he came home, that night we sat up in bed at like 3:30 in the morning talking about us.  Before I said anything, he asked me what I thought about him getting out of the military.  We talked about it.  He wants to get out of the military for me and his family.  While he held me, I realized how much he loved me.  He didn't have to say it, I could feel it, I could see it in his eyes and feel it when he held me and kissed me.  I was amazing that anyone could love me like that and I felt like the luckiest girl on the planet.  I got engaged to him because I love him and because he is probably one of the most amazing people I have ever met and I just so happen to be the lucky girl he fell for.  He said he wanted to get out of the military, not only for me, but still I was part of the reason.  Thats when I realized well if he's willing to do that for me, I can wait for him.  Thats exactly what I'm doing.  Waiting.  I didn't get engaged because I couldn't have someone else, thats stupid.  I know I was unsure before, but I know more than anything that he is everything I want and I will wait the rest of my life if I have to just for him.  I'm not perfect, I make mistakes, but he knows about everything.  I told him what was going on with me and we talked about it. 
Chris, I dont know why you're mad at me. . .I did nothing to you.  I don't know why you're telling people I cheated on you, I loved you soo much when we were together I never would have cheated on you, I never had time, we were together almost constantly.  Stop being immature. 
The thing that hurt me. . .I realized the other day that I was no longer friends on facebook with his stepmom, dad, or brother. . .did Chris say something to them for them to not like me?  Did they just not want to be in the middle of this?  That hurt me because I loved his family soo much. . .I dont know what happened.  :(

If You Love Someone. . .

If you love someone, should it matter if they don't love you as much as you love them?  Should it matter what their friends or family think? Or what your friends and family think?  If you love someone, what does matter.  Should you let them go when they decide it isn't working, when in your heart you think it will?  If you love someone, is their happiness and well being more important than your own?  If you love someone, should you let go of everything you have ever dreamed of for them because now they are your life?  What is more important?  Is love more important than yourself?  How do these things weigh in?   If you love someone, should you listen to everyone around you because love has flooded your vision?  Or should you listen to your heart? 

I Fell In Love. . .

I fell in love with the ocean, the water, the salt, the sand.
I fell in love with the mountains, the rocks, and the trees.
I fell in love with dips and peaks of the earth, no matter how steep, or how shallow.
I love feeling the waves, the soft sand under my feet, the wind in my hair. 
I fell in love with the energy, the power, the strength.
I fell in love with the fire, the heat, the passion.
I love all of the elements of the earth, the texture, the smell, the emotions.
I fell in love with the earth, just as I fell in love with you.
I fell in love with your smile, your eyes, your hair.
I fell in love with your body, your muscles, your strenght.
I fell in love with your energy, the way you make me feel.
I fell in love with all the elements of your body, the texture, the smell, the taste, the sound.
I fell in love. . .with you.

My Heart. . .

Love makes my heart beat faster and slower.
It beats faster when I hear your voice
when I feel your warmth
when I see your face
when I taste your mouth
when I smell your lust.
My heart races when I think about you near me,
holding me,
kissing me,
loving me.

It beats slower when you're away,
when I know I can't see you,
hear you,
feel you,
smell you,
or taste you.
When I remember that I am yours forever, it slows down and makes forever last.
It sometimes skips a beat at thought of our future.

You are my future, my life, my love. . .my everything. 


*I won't forget what is most important*

I love

I love roses, carnations, the moon, stars, an open sky, hearing the rain on the roof, watching thunderstorms on the porch, kissing in the rain and getting soaked, laying on your chest and hearing your heartbeat, feeling your warmth when I lay next to you, warm hugs, passionate kisses, making people laugh, seeing children smile, big families, music, opera, classical, rock, metal, country, pop, hip hop, dancing, singing, reading, writing, painting, drawing, playing the violin, acting, being weird, being eccentric, learning new things, living, breathing, enjoying life, loving people, being loved, touching lives, experiencing new things, meeting new people, dancing in the moon light, laughing with friends, traveling, holding hands, first dates, hellos, being happy, cookies, eggplant, my dad's baking, my mom's cooking, things that shine, the color red, broccoli, summer, days off, halloween, puppies, kittens, taking pictures, blogging, making money, shopping, spending money, shoes, purses, jewlry, playing games, I love life, being me, and being happy. And of course, I love you Timothy Evan Manchester Jr. ♥♥♥ Don't ever forget that.

The Fair :(

I've been putting off posting this because it still kind of hurts, but right now I'm feeling sooo much better and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders so I guess this is as good a time as any.  Well this is what happened.  On friday my family and I traveled 2 hours to go to the state fair.  Chris was going to meet us there after his class.  I dropped off my cell phone and his GPS to him on our way up there because his college is on the way that way when he got there he could just text my mom and we could find him.   Well I had been so excited about this event.  The fair is my ideal date: playing games, riding rides, eating horrible food, winning teddy bears. . .Thats what I wanted to do with Chris.  I had been so excited.  Well Chris showed up about 2 hours later than what I had expected, but that didn't really matter because all I wanted was to enjoy the fair with him.  Well after he got there we were talking.  I was telling him how I felt and he was acting sort of funny.  So I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing.  So then. . .I asked him if he was breaking up with me and he said "I don't know" but in the form of "yes."  I was shocked, I was so hurt.  Part of me really did know this was coming.  Thats why I made the video and everything because I felt it coming to an end and i wanted to stop it, but I wasn't expecting him to it then.  He knew how excited I was about the fair and how badly I wanted to enjoy it with him.  I begged him not to (I know. . . I'm pathedic. . .I've never begged someone not to go before) Then I felt a panic attack coming on, I didn't want to cry in front of hundreds of people or ruin the fair for my family so I told Chris I wanted to go home.  I told my parents what had happened and they agreed Chris had horrible timing and they felt really bad.  I really wanted to stay, but I didn't want to ruin their fun.  So Chris brought me home.  I had to ride in a car for 2 hours with him and just cry and ask him why and tell him how badly I hurt.  Then he had to stay at the house with me because mom didn't want me alone and I honestly wasn't ready for him to leave yet.  I layed in bed and cried, I wanted nothing more than to die right there.  I told him he was selfish and all he cared about was himself.  I asked him why and he said because he didn't love me anymore and I didn't make him happy.  He told me that for most of it he was happy, but not all of it.  That crushed me.  I felt so horrible.  All I wanted to do was to make him happy, and he didn't.  What made it worse was on Wednesday he had told me that he did love me and that he was happy we were making everything work.  He made it sound like everything was so good and he made me believe he did love me.  He stayed until 11 I think, he fell asleep behind me and I wanted to fall asleep and just let him stay there but he was snoring. . .lol.  I had asked him earlier in one of my crying fits to stay at his house that night instead of going back to college so that I could just see him for a little while tomorrow.  I told him that I needed him and he said that he would be there for me if he could.    He said that he would help me through this.  So he agreed to stay the night.  He told me to wake him up the next morning between 10 and 11 and he would come over and then leave at like 1:30 when I had to go to work.  So I said okay.  Well, the next morning I decided I didn't want to see him.  I had to work that day and I didn't want to cry before work because crying makes me look all puffy, but when 1 o'clock rolled around I really wanted to see him one last time.  So I called him and told him I let him sleep in, but asked him if he would just stop in to work before he left.  He said that he would, and I believed him.  Needless to say he didn't.  I went to work and did all I could to keep it together.  I faked smiles and happy greetings.  As the hours passed I grew more and more depressed because I knew he wasn't coming.  So I called his house just to see if he was still there and his father said he had already left.  Thats when I broke down.  Another lie, and another broken promise. . .nothing more than another disappointment.  I had to leave work early because if I didn't I was going to have a panic attack and I was going to get sick.  I told one of the key holders that I felt sick and he let me leave immediately.  I went home and called my mother to come home because I didn't want to be alone.  She was at our family reunion.  She came home to be with me.  She talked to me and calmed me down because I was hysterical.  She helped me to remember myself and remember my strength.  She helped me realize things and to take a step back.  When I was calm enough I talked to chris.  This is when he admitted to me that he never loved me.  When we had met, I was his first girlfriend.  He was bored and lonely and didn't like to be home.  He never really did much and he wanted some companionship.  Then I came along.  I was his option.  I was the person he could spend every day with and get away from home.  I was something to do.  I was someone that loved him.  I was someone that made him feel better about himself.  He used me for something to do.  Now I can't write this blog and make him seem like a complete asshole even though I would like to.  He was good to me during our entire relationship until we broke up the first time a few weeks ago.  He always treated me well and went out of his way to make and keep me happy.  He went along with what I wanted to do and supported all of my crazy ideas.  He was there for me when I needed him and made me one of the happiest people on the planet for the last 9 months.  So maybe I did live a lie for the last 9 months.  Maybe I did believe in something that wasn't real.  But I was happy. . .and they say never regret something that once made you happy.  and I don't.  I don't regret anything we did together, anything I told him, or anything we shared.  When he admitted this to me thats when I was able to let go.  Thats when I felt better.  I don't know why this made me feel better.  It probably should have made me feel worse.  I think I knew all along this is what our relationship was and the truth. . .made it better?  I don't know but having him admit this to me helped me be okay.  I know it doesn't make sense, at least it doesn't to me, but thats what happened.  So we talked a bit longer and agreed that he's the only one that knows me for me, and I'm the only person that knows him for him.  We agreed that we were more than just a couple, we were bestfriend and even though he did hurt me I will always consider him my bestfriend.  I know what its like to be lonely and to wish for someone to come away and make the pain and loneliness go away so I guess I can't blame him for what he did.  Yes I was used, yes I was lied to. . .but I forgive him because I understand how it feels.  He's just too immature to know what his actions will do to other people.  I'm still too immature to know that.  We decided its best not to talk for a while unless we need to.  We agreed not to delete each other as friends on websites or to block each other.  We agreed to be friends again once this all blows over and we're both able to do that.  I went to bed feeling alone, lied to, used, pathedic, and unloved.  But right now, thanks to all my friends and family, I feel so loved.  He is one person in the world.  I had dinner tonight with 18 family members that love me.  I've gotten support from over 40 people in the last few days, all of which are friends and family.  If I can have 40 people love me, and have one say that he didn't. . .I guess thats okay.  I want to thank my Mom and Soon-To-Be-Dad for being there and talking me through this.  I may be the strong one, but when I'm not you guys are there to hold me up.  I also want to thank Chris's dad and step mom for their prayers and support.  Right now I feel like a weight has been lifted and like I can breath okay for the first time in a while.  I really am going to be okay. 

Another Video I made ♥

Once again, I was bored, sad, and lonely because I'm home and Chris is in college so I used that hour and a half, which turned into 2 hours to make this. 

All About Chris :D (pix)

He really didn't just wake up. . .He just looks like that sometimes lol

Chris dancing. . .enough said. . .lol ♥

This was at prom, prom really sucked, but thats a story for another day.

I threw this in here because this was a picture from our first date

I love him.  He is so beautiful. ♥♥♥