The Journey to Me

I recently discovered that I don't know what I want to be, who I want to be, or even who I am.  So I made that my mission, to find out all of those things.  But where to start?  Well I took a few online tests, they all told me I should be either a counselor or work in business. . .well I decided I didn't want to be in school until I'm in my 30's working on my doctorate, but business has been a possibility for a while now.  I also started making some goals for myself, such as: transfer to SCCC, get my associates degree, get a better job, etc.  If anyone has any suggestions, feel free to comment. . .at this point I need all the help I can get!

I am ME

I'm not a stereotype.  Not a generalization.  I'm not a barbie doll.  I'm me.  I have brown hair that is very red in the sun.  I get freckles in the summer time.  I look like a goblin first thing in the morning.  I cry when I'm sad.  I don't wear lipstick because it always gets on my teeth!  I love to talk, but I also love to listen.  I listen to metal, country, pop, hiphop, soundtracks, showtunes, opera, and classical.  I love scary movies, and I cry when Jack dies in Titanic.  I have asthma.  I just learned how to spell "surprise" lol.  I have nightmares about 3 times a week, but I've gotten used to them so they don't really bother me anymore.  I like to write, but I don't want to be told how to write.  I'm indecisive.  I'm eccentric.  I'm spontaneous.  I'm random.  I say what I think. . .although sometimes I probably shouldn't.  I like the dark.  I like the rain.  I love lightening.  I am a twilight fan *gasp*.  I love to read, but I hate it when they make movies of books because they're nothing but disappointing.  Monsters scare me. I hate hospitals, doctors, and medicine.  I can't be labled.  I'm not a generalization.  I am me, take me or leave me.

Who Am I?

A very special person today told me to be myself. . .be myself?  Who am I?  That was what I thought immediately and I began to cry.  I honestly don't know anymore.  I used to know.  I knew exactly who I was, what I wanted. . .and everything.  I've always been a planner, I'm not a person that can live for the moment.  I've been planning out my life since kindergarden, and just recently things began to change.  I broke down crying when I decided to change my major. . .because that meant a change of plans.  I had to change what I wanted to be for the rest of my life, and I know that seems stupid, but its a big deal to me.  My future is almost set in stone for me in my mind. . .and when things get changed its almost like losing part of my past.  I'm still some what unsure about my future as far as what I want to be. . .but I know the general direction.  I know I want to help people, I want to impact lives, and make a difference.  I guess in my mind I think that if I can save just one persons life it will make up for the one that I couldn't save. . .But back to the original question. . .who am I?  Lets see:
My name is Jocelyn Marisa Oeser (Jocie)
My birthday is January 22
I'm female
Brunette
5'7''
fair complected. . .these are all physical. . .they make up what I am. . .not who I am. . .so who am I?
I like art, and music, and theatre.  I like cute little animals, especially when they're sweet.  The stars, and the brain intrigue me.  I enjoy songs that make me cry, and pictures of tranquil and serene landscapes.  Children make me smile, especially when they're smiling.  I don't paint my nails, I don't enjoy it anymore.  I'm addicted to my cell phone and my computer, they're like limbs.  My favorite food is eggplant and my favorite color is crimson.  I like to sing in the car, or when I'm alone.  In my mind, swimming is comparable to flying.  Google has become my bestfriend.  I didn't eat meat for 3 years. . .and it still grosses me out from time to time to be honest.  Religion confuses me and surrounds me.  I wish I could paint.  I enjoy school :0.  I'm eccentric, sensitive, and flirty :D I enjoy writing and I'm not afraid to tell people how I feel unless I think it will upset them, or make them feel bad.  I hate upsetting people, I take it very personally.  I love families and dreaming.  I love to talk about the future, and what my "ideal" life would be.  I have nightmares almost every night now, but I've gotten used to most of them.  I have a crush on a teacher ♥ and I read the twilight series.  I love to read!  I've been hurt many times.  My dad left me when I was a baby. . .he never wanted me in the first place.  He always made promises that he couldn't keep and I never understood why he couldnl't love me.  My mom is my hero!  My cousin died when I was 15 and my life has never been the same. . .I think about her everyday.  I don't really write stories or anything anymore like I used to because I can't. . .it all ends up being about her.  My play is sort of a combination about my life and hers.  Its hard for me to trust people.  I hate shaving. . .just ask BJ, he felt my legs when we went swimming together lol (i know its gross).  I can't sleep with out my bra on. . .its like a security blanket.  I wish I could play the piano.  Thats me in a nut shell. . .and what do I want out of life?  All I want is happiness. . .for me, and everyone around me.  I'm scared to death of making a decision that will negatively effect someone around me.  I wish I could know the outcome of my decisions before I make them, but I can't. . .so its all guess and check.  I want to fall in love, graduate from college, get married, have a few kids, and life a happy life.  I don't want my children to ever have to suffer or go without.  Thats all I want.  Seems simple right? 

This is What I Do When I Feel Good!!

I feel better, so I'm back to my vain self.  Enjoy :D