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Thursday, October 28, 2010

Sara Bareilles - King Of Anything (Dedicated To You)



Keep drinking coffee, stare me down across the table
While I look outside
So many things I’d say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by

You’ve got opinions, man
We’re all entitled to ‘em, but I never asked
So let me thank you for your time, and try not to waste anymore of mine
And get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe, but I’m not drowning
There’s no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

You sound so innocent, all full of good intent
Swear you know best
But you expect me to jump up on board with you
And ride off into your delusional sunset

I’m not the one who’s lost with no direction
But you’ll never see
You’re so busy making masks with my name on them in all caps
You got the talking down, just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy
While I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

Let me hold your crown, babe.

Praise The Aqua Buddha

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Funerals

So. . .I've mentioned this before, but this is a slightly different situation.  I haven't been to a funeral since November 12, 2007, not because there haven't been any that I was supposed to go to, but because I've avoided going to them.  I've had a few aunts and uncles die in the past 3 years, but I wasn't very close to them so I was able to avoid going.  I know that sounds horrible, but the last funeral I went to was for my cousin Jessie.  I'm not sure what was worse, hearing that she had died, or going to the funeral to see her family and friends. . .and her laying in a box.  As I've said probably 100 times, a big part of me died when I lost Jessie and the funeral. . .I've never been in so much pain in all of my life.  Now, people close to me can't die without it bringing back the emotions and thoughts from when Jessie died.  I feel horrible about that.  I can't deal with someones death, without having to deal with Jessie's again.  I bring this up again because, as you know, David Jones just passed away a few days ago.  I'm not sure of funeral arrangements, but he was my friend and as a friend, I should go to his funeral.  I am shaking right now just thinking about it.  I know I am going to have to go to a funeral again. . .I know I'm going to have to do it, but I am petrified.  I never want to feel the pain that I felt when I was at Jessie's funeral again.  I cried the entire time.  I cried the 6 days before and for weeks after.  I still cry sometimes when I think about it.  Jessie's death changed my life.  Going to another funeral is going to be like reliving Jessie's.  I know that sounds horrible because a persons funeral should be about them, and the people there should be paying respects and mourning that person. . .not another.  But I will be there, not only mourning them, but I will also be thinking about Jessie as well. 

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Halloween Costume

So this isn't the best picture, but this is essentially my halloween costume.  I'm like a. . .wealthier medieval peasant :D Lemme know what yout hink.

The Next Morning

I hate waking up the morning after something bad has happened.  Sleep, and dreaming. . .as long as its not a nightmare, takes the pain away for a little while and almost makes you forget that anything bad happened.  Then, as soon as you open your eyes the next morning. . .it hits you like a truck.   You remember what happened and all of a sudden it hits you again, and you can't help but cry.  I'm sorry, I promise less depressing posts are coming soon.  This is just a bad time of year from me.  November 6th will be the 3 year anniversary of when Jessie died and I've already been bracing myself for that. . .RIP Jess, David, Jack, Adam

Monday, October 25, 2010

R.I.P David Jones Part II

Its hard for me to believe that he's gone.  I can't believe that he's not going to be harrassing me almost every day while trying to get me to agree to go to dinner and consider dating him after he gets back to New York.  I talked to him just a few days ago, and now he's gone.  One of the last things he said to me was "idk if i should say  this but if i was there i would kiss u right  now" I copied that right from skype.  You know what my response was?  I didn't say anything back.  I smiled, and I was flattered, but I wasn't about to let him know that.  I had told him several times that I don't date soldier boys, not after my ex fiance.  He didn't care.  He kept at it.  I did finally agree to go to dinner with him about 2 weeks ago.  He was supposed to be coming home the first week of November.  I can't believe he is actually gone and I don't have him to talk to anymore.  He always made me smile and made me feel better.  He always listened.  I miss you David Jones.  Rest In Peace. 

R.I.P David Jones







I hate doing this.  I hate having to post this, but this is my only vent and he should be honored with a blog at the very least.  David was a friend of mine.  One of the friends I would stay up late talking to online and camming with.  He was in the army and in iraq and he passed away.  He wanted to take me to dinner when he got back to the states, over and over again I told him I don't date soldier boys.  Finally I told him I would let him take me out. . .RIP David <3

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Bum

So, I'm sorry that I haven't really been posting anything about my life lately. . .truth is, life as a bum is pretty boring.  I go out often and hang out with Ashley and Gabby, but thats about it.  I sleep until about 10:30 every day, and it takes me until about 1 to ACTUALLY get up. . .then I either clean, try to find a job, or do. . .nothing.  Thats how my days have gone since I've been home.  No one is hiring. . .so I'm seriously going to be a bum until school starts again in January.  I really don't enjoy being a bum. . .I wish I had something to do lol.  Oh well.  Just thought I would update you all on my life. . .not much happening right now, but as soon as it does I'll let you know.  Wish me luck in my job search. 

I Know I'm Vain


Just a few more pictures of me taken today :D I know I'm vain, can't help it.  Hope you like em :)

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Single Ladies -- Beyonce (Dedicated to you ;) )

All the single ladies, all the single ladies
All the single ladies, all the single ladies
All the single ladies, all the single ladies
All the single ladies

Now put your hands up
Up in the club, we just broke up
I'm doing my own little thing
Decided to dip and now you wanna trip
Cause another brother noticed me

I'm up on him, he up on me
Don't pay him any attention
Just cried my tears, for three good years
Ya can't be mad at me

Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Don't be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Oh, oh, oh

If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Don't be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it

I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips
Got me tighter in my Dereon jeans
Acting up, drink in my cup
I can care less what you think

I need no permission, did I mention
Don't pay him any attention
Cause you had your turn and now you gonna learn
What it really feels like to miss me

Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Don't be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Oh, oh, oh

If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Don't be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Oh, oh, oh

Don't treat me to the things of the world
I'm not that kind of girl
Your love is what I prefer, what I deserve

Here's a man that makes me then takes me
And delivers me to a destiny, to infinity and beyond
Pull me into your arms, say I'm the one you own
If you don't, you'll be alone
And like a ghost Ill be gone

All the single ladies, all the single ladies
All the single ladies, all the single ladies
All the single ladies, all the single ladies
All the single ladies
Now put your hands up, oh, oh, oh

Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Don't be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Oh, oh, oh

If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Don't be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Oh, oh, oh

Thursday, October 14, 2010

College :O

Okay, well anyone that has ready my blog at all since like August knows that I'm not a big fan of college. . .so I fixed that problem.  In one of my last posts about college I mentioned that I was thinking about switching my major to nursing.  That may have originally been a decision made for the wrong reasons, but the idea really grew on me and the more I look into it the more excited I am about it.  So that plan is pretty much set in stone.  I'm going to transfer to FMCC in the spring :D  The part I didn't tell you was that I decided to withdrawal from SUNY Oneonta.  I took a personal leave for the remainder of the semester so it won't count against me and then I'll continue at FM in January.  I was truely and sincerely miserable at Oneonta and it was getting to the point where I could no longer handle it. . .I hate feeling like that because I'm not a quitter.  I've been through so much in my lifetime.  Everything I've been through has been 100x worse than living at college. . .but this felt like the breaking point for some reason.  So I made this one decision all by myself. . .because it really concerns no one except for me. . .and my parents sort of because I'd be moving back home :P but mom said the door was always open.  So I officially moved out yesterday.   The plan is for me to get a couple jobs and work until I start school again.  Then I'll probably have at least one job while going to school for nursing at FM and save up to buy another car and eventually an apartment.  So I am officially a bum until further notice :P not something I'm exactly proud of, but I have to do what feels right for me.  Wish me luck.

Dedicated to the GREATEST GUY IN THE WORLD!!!

You told me to stop being insecure. . .what you don't realize is that I did.  You don't like the more confident me.  You don't like the me that doesn't need your approval to be happy.  You told me to stop being insecure. . .I slept on that.  Confidence comes from being happy with one's self and feeling comfortable within one's skin.  I'm much more happy with myself when I'm not doing things that make me uncomfortable to make you happy.  I didn't grow confidence over night. . .it doesn't happen that way, but I took the first step.  The second step was getting rid of the people that bring me down.  I did that too when I said I was over with this.  You didn't like that either.  I took your advice. . .that didn't make you happy either. . .Sorry, I tried, but I'm done now.  Then, you decided to try to put me down by insulting me with something I came crying to you about before.  Goodjob, did that make you feel better?  I hope so.  Later.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

ME :D






These are just some recent pix of me taken at college :D Hope you like them.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Tattoos

Here are some of that tattoos I'm thinking about getting.  Let me know what you think :D
Peace and Love is everything I stand for

The Blue Lotus is a natural aphrodisiac, so mine wouldn't be exactly like this and it would be blue.

With the lily I want to put my kids names in the petals.
This is the chinese symbol for strength

The Butterfly is a symbol of Hope

I do want to get a few tattoos but ever one I want to get has a deeper meaning.  There is no tattoo I would just get for the hell of it, they all mean something to me.  I have one tattoo already that means a lot to me and I do want to get a few more. 

What Do I Want To Write About Today?

Do I want to write about how you kiss me?
No.
Do I want to write about holding hands?
No.
Do I want to write about the sweet things you say to me?
Nah.
Do I want to write about how much I hate being away from you?
Nope.
I want to write about the things that don't have words to describe.
I want to write about the butterflies you give me every time I talk to you.
And how I smile every time I see your face.
I want to write about how you take my breath away with the slightest touch.
I want to write about how happy you make me.
The words don't exist, but I can try.
Have you ever been in the back seat of a car and gone down a big hill and got that funny feeling in your tummy? 
Have you ever smiled during a movie when the girl finally realizes how much she really cares about that guy next door that has been in love with her since elementary school?
Have ever had the wind knocked out of you and it took you a minute to catch it?
Now imagine the happiest moment of your life, and how you felt right then and there.
Combine all of these things. . .thats what I want to write about.  Thats how you make me feel.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

I Need You - Marc Anthony

From the day that i met you girl i knew that your love would be
Everything that i ever wanted in my life
From the moment you spoke my name i knew everything had changed
Because of you i felt my life would be complete

Oh baby i need you for the rest of my life
Girl i need you to make everything right
Girl i love you and i'll never deny that i need you

Nothing matters but you my love and only god above
Would be the one to know exactly how i feel
I could die in your arms right now knowing that you somehow
Would take my soul and keep it deep inside your heart

Oh baby i need you for the rest of my life
Girl i need you to make everything right
Girl i love you and i'll never deny that i need you
Girl your love to me feels just like magic
When you smile you have total control
You have power like nothing i felt before
I've let all of my feelings show
'cause i want you to know that i need you

I need you for the rest of my life
Girl i need you say that you'll be my wife
Oh i love you won't you marry me marry me?
i need you

Oh i need you for the rest of my life
Oh i need you won't you marry me marry me?
I really need baby i need you
Girl i really need i need you
Girl i really need i need you need you baby
Oh baby i need you
Girl i really need you need you
Babe oh baby won't you marry me?
Oh won't you marry me marry me? i love you
Oh i need you

~ I really love this song and if and when I ever get married I would love for this to be our song ;)

Do you?

My nail polish has chipped away.
My make up is smudged.
My hair is in disarray.
Do you still find me beautiful?

I cry dispite the emotion.
I laugh at nothing.
I forget things almost instantly.
Do you still think I'm cute?

My heart is made of glass.
My eyes give away every secret.
My life is for everyone except me.
Do you still love me?

Disappear

I want to disappear.
I want to vanish.
I just want to escape from the world for just a few minutes.
I just need a break.
I need a second to breathe.
Sometimes its too much.
Other times its not enough.
I need a break.
I need to break away.

UGH!!!

UGH I'M SUFFERING FROM WRITERS BLOCK AND IT SUCKS!!!! I'M TRYING TO WRITE A FREAKING POEM AND ITS NOT WORKING!!! SOME ONE PLEASE SEND ME SOME EXTRACT OF INSPIRATION IN A TINCTURE.  THANKS

Monday, October 4, 2010

My Major

So. . .because I'm an extremely indecisive person that will just never be satisfied, I'm thinking about changing my major.  As my readers already know, I'm not really a fan of this whole college thing. . .so going to college until I'm 30 to get my doctorate in psychology doesn't really make a lot of sense.  So I've been sitting here pondering about the things I want out of life. . .and I've come to this conclusion:  I want to help people.  I don't want to be a doctor.  I don't want to be in school for the rest of my life.  I think I'm going to change my major to nursing!  Yes. . .my back up plans still hold.  If the option of dropping out of college to get married and have kids arises, damn straight I'm taking it.  In the meantime, I think I'm going to switch my major.  Thoughts?  Comments?  Suggestions?  Curse words of encouragement?