Tuesday, April 27, 2010


Sometimes I wonder why I don't just give up.  Perhaps I already have.  My apathy is overwhelming. . .its getting to the point where almost NOTHING matters to me anymore.  The stuff thats left. . .its slipping through my fingers.  I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a sky scraper. . .immobile as the whole thing crashes above my head and drags me down.  When will it stop?  When will these challenges stop being thrown at me?  Why can't I just have it easy for a little while?  Haven't I lost enough?  Haven't I suffered enough?  Sometimes I feel so fragile. . .I think the wind will just tear me apart and blow me away.  There would be nothing left.  Maybe there already isn't anything left.  Am I just a hollow shell going through the motions?  Is there anything left inside of me?  Maybe I'm dried up. . .maybe I cried my heart and soul away and now there is nothing left of me.  If this is karma, what did I do?  All my life all I have wanted to do is help people. . .maybe I have no worth.  Maybe I'm nothing.  Maybe I was an accident of creation and my existence is meaningless.  I don't mean to be so emo. . .I'm really not.  I'm normally a very upbeat, optimistic person for those who know me.  Its just getting to be too much.  I've lost soo many people to death.  I've lost soo many people just from losing them.  I think I may have lost myself in the mix.  Maybe this is death. . .it just takes a while for the body to follow the soul.  Can you cry yourself to death?  Can emotional pain kill you?  Can nightmares kill you?  I don't mean to be so morbid and so depressing. . .I don't really cry anymore. . .I hurt but I brush it off and hold it in.  Thats what I mean by apathy.  Instead of crying. . .I just don't care, but I don't feel better so I'm not really happy. . .too much on my mind.  To much falling apart and going to hell around me.  I need to excape.  I need to move. . .to breath, but I can't.  I'm trapped in this mortal hell.  Trapped in this world, this town, this house, this body. . .trapped in my own freaking mind.  Things. . .thoughts. . .words longing to escape but can't find the exit.  There is nothing lighting the way out.  So I sit here pondering my pain, unable to fix it. . .apologizing for my negativity as I vent in my blog.  Maybe I should just forfeit and wave my white flag.  Surrender myself to this fate instead of attempt to fight it.  Maybe slipping into the quick sand isn't so bad.  Maybe its painless.  Fighting it is exausting. . .whats the point?  I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. . .I don't so an end to this war let alone this battle.  I see nothing ahead.  Just painful pictures of my past that won't disappear.  Thats all I see. 

Panic Attacks

I've been having a lot of panic attacks lately.  I've had them for years, but they're pretty rare.  I usually have them at night after a nightmare, but not that often.  I used to have them like once a month but lately they have been less and less until recently.  Recently I've had them a lot more and they've been a lot worse and I feel different when I have them.   I had one the other day when I was with Ryan.  I started feeling really weird and panicky when we were shopping and it got worse when we went to the car wash and were driving home.  I don't know what happened or why I felt that way.  Ryan is a really REALLY really safe driver so I know it wasn't that. . .I just felt really weird.  I felt so anxious and my heart started to race, and I started to get all hot, and I just didn't feel right at all.  Then I had one the next morning when I was having my breakfast. . .there was nothing out of the ordinary to bring it on. . .I just had one.  I don't really like talking about my panic attacks. . .like what I think about, how I calm myself down, possible ways of fixing them.  I don't care if people know that I have them, but I don't want people to see me have one. . .and I don't want to talk about it.  I'm kind of embarrassed by them, and I'm not sure why.  I don't know why I feel this way about them. . .I can tell you about them on here, and tell you I had one. . .but I get upset when people try to suggest ways of fixing them. . .I'm not sure why.  I'm really scared of having another one at school, its happened a few times before, but I hate it when other people see me have them. 


Okay sooo. . .I've been seeing this guy for about 2 and a half weeks now and we made our relationship official a little over a week ago :)  Its been about 2 months since Tim and I split up and since then I have been doing a lot of dating.  I've gone out with a few different type of guys and had no intentions of really making it official with any of them.  They weren't quite what I was looking for.  I really didn't think I was going to get into another relationship until college because I'm going away and that usually causes a lot of drama that I would rather not be a part of.  Well all of that changed when I met Ryan.  I felt an instant connection to him, it was amazing.  We talked for hours on our first date and we discovered we have the same birthday (except he is 4 years older than me) and we are both planning to go to Oneonta in the fall :)  I think he felt the same connection and how easily we get along and communicate.  It was great.  Then, because we both still live at home, we had the lovely experience of meeting each others parents while still getting to know each other.  My parents, especially my mom, like him a lot.  My mom said that she liked him almost instantly (I can relate).  I really like his dad as well, he's a really cool, laid back kind of guy and from what Ryan tells me, he likes me too.  We had some complications when deciding whether or not to be together.  I was all for it, but he was a little more apprehensive.  He had never really been in a relationship before and I think he was scared and if the relationship fell through he didn't want to lose me completely because of something like that.  I understood and told him I would be happy with what I did have with him.  Well within a few days we talked about it and decided we wanted to be together and we were already a couple so there was no point in not having the title.  Thus far, I think we're both pretty happy with our decision.  I love it because I get to see him nearly every day because he only lives about 25 minutes away.  I can talk to him, and I don't worry that he is going to get mad or upset with me because of my thoughts or feelings.  We have a lot of long, interesting conversations that don't always make sense, but we love the time we share together.  We have fun and as far as I know we're both really happy :)  I'll post pictures soon once I have more of us.  Its nice to find a guy that treats me right, is mature, and has so much in common with me, but we also have a lot of differences to keep it interesting.  I love talking to him. . .I love his mind.  :)