Wednesday, June 30, 2010


Okay readers, I need suggestions!!!  As you all know, I love to read.  My new crazy is historical fiction taking place in medieval europe, but I've been having problems finding good ones.  I read PILLARS OF THE EARTH and WORLD WITHOUT END by Ken Follett and I was kind of obsessed but I need something new.  I'm reading THE CRIMSON PETAL AND THE WHITE by uhhhh Michael Faber I think. . .lol it takes place in Victorian London.  Its pretty good so far but its not medieval europe.  Help???

Heart and Mind

I don't want to be remembered for my eyes, or my smile.  I don't want to be remembered for the clothes I wore or the way I painted my nails.  I don't care that you find me beautiful. . .thats not what I want.  It means so much more to me for someone to take note of my mind and/or my heart.  I want to be remembered for being intelligent and quick witted, for being poetic and articulate.  I want to be remembered for caring about someone or something. . .for being passionate about something.  I don't care if you can't put a face to the name, if all you remember is my mind and my heart.  Thats what I want you to notice.  Beauty only goes skin deep. . .it won't save a life, or touch a persons heart. . .thats what I want to do and thats how I want to be remembered. 

My "Dad"

My dad called last night. . .the real one.  Not the one that adopted me, but the one that gave me up.  The one that cared more about his drugs and girlfriends than his daughter.  Yeah. . .that one called me last night.  He called to ask me about college, graduation, and my surgery.  He told me he would do anything he could to help me out financially with college, and gave me his number so that if I needed something I could call him.  He told me he wished I was going to school down there, and told me that when I come down in July he is going to give me money for graduation.  He said he was proud of me for graduating and continuing my education.  Then. . .as he said goodbye. . .he told me "daddy loves you."  After getting off the phone with him I couldn't help but cry.  This is the man that couldn't bother to call me on my birthday or hug me when I came to visit.  This is the man that never had enough time for me.  This is the man that never gave a damn about me.  I got adopted less than a year ago by my step father because this man was never EVER my father.  Why the hell does he care now?  Why is he doing all of this and saying all of this now?  Now that I'm no longer his daughter he calls me and tells me "daddy loves you."  I broke down not because I was angry, or happy, or sad. . .or anything.  I was confused.  He made my head spin and the only way I knew how to react was to break down and cry. . .and then I got "squished" but. . .it hurts.  I'm 18 years old and I'm adopted. . .and now my dad decides to show affection and take responsibility for me. . .WTF?


So I graduated, and while I was on the stage this is what I was thinking:
I've been on this stage hundreds of times between all of the shows I've been in as well as orchestra and choir concerts. . .but now I face my biggest audience and this time I'm playing the part of a graduate.  Up until this point I've performed with a script.  The script was the guidelines I lived by whether it was the rules my parents set, or the routine I performed every day. . .but now, its all improvisation. . .now I make the script.  I may never be on that stage again.  My biggest audience watched me decend the stairs and get my deploma, and move my tassle from the right to the left. . .they watched me graduate.  They watched the moment where the life, as I knew it, ended and a new one began.  The script is gone, instead I have a series of blank pages in my hand and a pen.  I'm no longer just an actress, I'm the playwrite, director, producer, and star of my own show. . .Lets see what happens.  :)