4 Years. . .

Mood: Reminiscent 

Weather:  Chilly but otherwise a nice day :)

I can't believe its been 4 years.  November 6th, tomorrow, will be 4 years since the day Jessie died.  Its always been a hard day for me. . .and quite honestly probably always will be.  This day changed my life. . .and I will never be the same.  For those of you that don'e know, Jessica Canfield was my cousin.  She was almost exactly a year older than me and we were best friends.  We grew up together and November 6th, 2007 she was taken from me.  My cousin, her little sister, and Jessie's best friend all skipped school and were driving through the town of Florida. . .she over turned and then over corrected and hit a tractor trailer head on.  Her best friend broke her leg.  Her little sister, who was 11 at the time. . .was nearly cut in half by her seat belt and is now confined to a wheel chair because she is paralyzed from the waste down.  When I got that phone call that night. . .a part of me died, and an even bigger part of me died when I saw her laying in a box. . .motionless at the funeral 6 days later.  Tomorrow will be 4 years. . .4 years.  That's 1461 days.  She was like a sister to me and I miss her very much.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. . .and remember her.  I am going to the cemetery tomorrow, I go at least twice every year, on the anniversary and on her birthday.  I love you and miss you to death Jess.  I wish you were here with me. . .there is so much I want to tell you.  I want you to meet Jack, and CJ.  I want my best friend back.  RIP Jess <3 

Happy Birthday Jessie

So today would have been Jessie's 20th birthday.  For those of you that haven't been reading my blog for very long, Jessie is my cousin and she passed away November 6, 2007 in a car accident.  We were very close and her death has had a HUGE impact on my life. . .I go to the cemetary twice a year: November 6th and January 4th.  This year. . .I almost forgot her birthday.  I remember thinking about it towards the end of december, but somehow it slipped my mind until last night.  I started bawling when I remembered because I hated myself for nearly forgetting.  I am petrified of forgetting her. . .I guess I still haven't let go and I'm not sure I ever will or if I even can.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about her and remember her. . .not a day goes by that it still doesn't hurt.  There are still days that I cry when I think of her and when it hurts so bad I have to drag myself out of bed in the morning.  I'm not sure its ever going to be REALLY okay. . .but I'm not even sure I would ever want it to be.  I don't want to forget her.  I don't want to lose her in a sense. . .I feel like if it started to really be okay, that would mean I was forgetting her and she was drifting into the back of my memory. . .I don't want that.  I want to remember her.  I still remember the sound of her voice and her smile and her laugh. . .oh Jessie, I miss you like hell and love you so much.  I wish you were still here with me.  Rest in Peace hun. 

Jessica's Obituary

Jessica Ashley Canfield


Passed away Tuesday, November 6, 2007 after an automobile accident. Born in Niskayuna, January 4, 1991, she was the daughter of Lori Taylor Martin and James Canfield, Jr. Jessie attended Amsterdam High School until ninth grade, where she was active in the ROTC and the high school band. She later attended Ballston Spa High School where she was a junior varsity cheerleader. Jessie was active with the United Methodist Church in Ballston Spa. She sang in the choir and cared for the children in the nursery. Jessie assisted with many dinners and events held at the church. She also donated her time helping the Eagle Matt Lee and Union Fire Co with their Thanksgiving dinners for the needy. Jessie worked at Price Chopper in Malta.

She was predeceased by her great grandparents Kenneth and Alice Taylor and Matilda Belle Johnson. She is survived by her mother Lori Taylor Martin and Jonathan Cook; her father James Canfield, Jr and Laura Barker; 2 sisters Corey Lee Martin and Tracy Canfield; brother Jacob Martin; grandparents Carolyn and William Taylor, James Canfield Sr, and Martha Rowley. She is also survived by many aunts, uncles, cousins and one niece.

Funeral services will be held 3pm Monday, November 12, at the United Methodist Church, 101 Milton Avenue, Ballston Spa. Burial will follow in Rock City Falls Cemetery. Calling hours will precede the service from 1-3pm Monday at the church. Memorial contributions may be made to the Albany Medical Center Pediatric Unit, 43 New Scotland Avenue, Albany, NY 12208.

Dream

I dreamed about Jessie the other day.  We were sitting in an auditorium talking.  I was holding her hand.  Her had was cold.  Thats one thing I remember, she was always cold.  She was wearing a short sleeved shirt and I could see the brown birth mark she had on her upper arm.  She had braces.  Her nails were trimmed very short.  These are all of the little things I remember about her that really stood out to me in my dream.  I held her hand and we were talking and then I started crying.  I cried because I was scared because I didn't know if it was real or not.  I wasn't sure if what I was experiencing in my dream was real, and she was there with me, or if she was really gone and in a few moments I would wake up.  She saw me crying. . .and she just looked at me as if she understood.  She didn't look confused or ask why I was crying.  She just held my hand and looked at me as if to say its alright.  I woke up and I couldn't help but feel heart broken because it was just a dream.  As I have said before, I love dreaming about her because I get to spend time with her again and its always so real like she's really there, but when I wake up I have to deal with the pain of losing her all over again.  The funny thing is, when I'm 30 and i dream about her. . .she's going to look the same.  she's going to look 16 with braces, long hair, and short finger nails.  That is how I remember her and that is how she will live in my memory forever. 

Dream

Its not often that I dream about my cousin that passed away.  I used to a lot shortly after she died, but lately I don't.  I dreamed about her last night.  She told me she faked her death, I don't remember her reasoning why or how, but thats what she told me.  I got to talk to her, and hug her. . .it was so real.  It was like she was there.  I even said to her in my dream that I was afraid that was a dream and I didn't want to wake up. . .I was scared of waking up.  Shortly after saying that I woke up, and once again. . .she's gone.  I really don't mind dreaming about her, I actually like it because I get to see her and talk to her again.  It feels like its really her. . .it always does.  I miss her so much and not a day goes by that I don't think about her, but when she's in my dreams. . .its like she's there and just for a moment I get to forget about the pain and thank god that I get to spend one more moment with her. 

Nov 6th

Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of the worst day of my life.  It was the anniversary of my cousin's death, a day I will never forget.  A big part of me died that day with her, and I haven't really been the same since.  I left school a little early to go to the cemetary because its an hour early and I wanted to make sure I got there before dark.  Tim went with me and I brought a candle to leave on her grave.  It was all decorated with flowers and candles, it looked very nice for such a horrible place.  It reminded me of some of the pain I have been avoiding for a long time and I broke down crying.  It still hurts a lot especially because I don't feel like Jessie is here with me anymore, at least not like I used to.  I know she is there, I just don't feel as connected to her.  When I got back in the truck I decided to call her mom, but the number I had was old, so I called her grandmother and spoke to her for a little while.  I told her that I loved her and she was in my thoughts and prayers.  We spoke for a few minutes and both cried on the phone.  We talked about Cory (Jessie's little sister that was also in the accident that is paralyzed) and that hurt me a lot.  I realized that I really need to see her and be there for her.  I got Lori's new number, but got the voicemail so I left one.  I broke down crying even more in the drunk, my heart was breaking.  Tim held me close, but I could tell it was kind of awkward for him because he didn't really know what to do in that situation, and that is fine. . .it was just nice to have him there holding me.  I miss my cousin so much, not a day goes by that I don't think about her and what happened.  I think a part of me still blames myself for not being able to help and save her like I thought I had.  It still breaks my heart that I didn't get to say goodbye.  I can't believe its only been 2 years, it seems like so much longer, but at the same time it seems like it was just yesterday.