No Words for a Title

When I close my eyes I still see your face.
Your haunts me when I'm alone.
Your words repeat in my mind like a broken record.
Your fingers are still printed into my skin.
I know your not here. . .but your memory lingers.
The face that was above me is imprinted into my mind.
I feel you. . .I hear you. . .I see you. . .
but I dont want to. 
I didn't want to.
But I did.

Happy

I will dance for you if it makes you happy.
Around and around.
I'll flow with the music.
I will sing for you if it makes you happy.
All the words you want to hear.
I'll hit every note perfectly.
I will sit here if it makes you happy.
Quiet and patient.
Only looking at you and waiting.
But I will not die to make you happy.
I will not stop living to make you happy.
That is the definition of death.
To stop living.
I will not die to put a smile on your face.
I will continue to breath.
My heart will continue to beat.
That should make you happy.
If it doesn't. . .
It will make someone else happy.

Screaming session I

When did you become such a tool?  You're so immature.  Sometimes I wish I could just kick you in the head because of how stupid you make yourself look and sound by the way you act and the things you say.  Don't you see how everyone around you can't stand what you've become?  Who you've become?  Is this my fault?  You live in this world that is so far beyond reality you can't even look at yourself in the mirror to see who you are.  Grow up!  Act your freaking age!  You're older than me but you act like your five.  Everything you do.  You're lazy, you constantly point fingers, you think you're living in the real world. . .WAKE UP! I didn't do anything to you and you know that, everything you feel. . .you did to yourself.  I try to forgive and forget, I try to move on. . .but every time I freaking talk to you you bring it all up again, and I remember just how much I hate your immaturity.  It took me this long to see your true colors, and you know what. . .those colors look like shit.  Go ahead and "hate it" just like you did everything else. . .ya. . .real mature.  I know you think your so cool.  Wearing girls clothes and an anime girlfriend.  It must be cool not to have friends, no job. . .no future.  Real cool. 

Understand

How did geologists come to know so much about the earth?  It took time.  Lots of time.  They had to watch it.  Watch it move and change.  They had to listen.  Listen to the sounds it makes.  They had to feel it.  Feel its warmth, and its coldness.  Feel its softness, and its hardness.  They had to feel it move and feel it change.  They studied and researched and paid attention to everything it did.  They studied and observed every piece of evidence.  They used their senses and their knowlede to learn more and better understand it.  They are still learning, listening, watching, feeling, tasting, smelling and observing.  They still don't know everything, but they're trying.  Sometimes they jump to conclusions, but they give the earth time and keep their mind open to be proven wrong. 
Thats the only way you will understand.  You have to watch me.  You have to see me cry and laugh.  You have to watch me bleed, watch how I react when I'm in pain, see me when I'm overwhelmed in happiness, see me when I'm angry.  Watch my tears, watch my smile, watch my body.  You have to listen to me and hear me loud and clear.  Listen to my heart beat, listen to what I have to say and how I'm feeling.  You have to feel me.  Feel my softness and my harndess.  Feel my warmth as well as when I'm cold.  You have to observe and be patient because sometimes it takes a while to see and feel and hear all of the things you need in order to know and understand me.  Use your senses and your knowledge to understand me better.  But most of all you have to watch, listen, feel, taste, and touch all the parts of me that their are.  You won't know what color my blood is just from stroking my hair.  You won't know the sound of my heartbeat just by looking at the color of my eyes. . .but if you take your time, and pay attention, you will learn a lot and understand so much more.  Thats the only way you will learn.

My Ring

Well I figured out why i've been procrastinating with getting my engagement ring resized. . .its because I don't want to take it off and be separated from it. I haven't taken it off even for a second since I've gotten it and thought of not having it for a week or more haunts me.  Its hard to explain but its like. . .its something that I have from Tim and its special and when he's not here its all I have to hold on to.  I miss him like hell and at the moment the sweatshirt he gave me is at his mothers house and so the ring is all I have aside from his letters and the pictures I took.  Not only that but the ring is a symbol of our love, and our relationship.  God I miss him.  I have dreams of him surprising me and coming home and when I see him I just jump into his arms and bawl my eyes out. . .and then I wake up and remember he's not here and Its going to be about 3 more weeks before I go to Missouri to see him. . .I hate it.  It hurts so much not being able to see him let alone talk to him.  I just keep telling myself that if we can get through this it will make our relationship so much stronger and we will be able to get through just about anything.  Its not easy.  Its one of the hardest things I've put myself through, but as I've said before. . .he's more than worth it. 

I love this song

Lyrics to Two Is Better Than One :


I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life and I thought
"Hey, you know, this could be something"

'Cause everything you do and words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing

So maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two is better than one

I remember every look upon your face
The way you roll your eyes
The way you taste
You make it hard for breathing

'Cause when I close my eyes and drift away
I think of you and everything's okay
I'm finally now believing

That maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two is better than one
Yeah, yeah

I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life and I thought, "Hey,"

maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone

And I'm thinking
I can't live without you
'Cause, baby, two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
But I'll figure it out
When all is said and done
Two is better than one
Two is better than one
 
 
~I love this song by Boys Like Girls. . .I asked Timmer (in a letter with the lyrics) if it could be our song. . .so I just have to wait about 8 days to hear the result. . .lol

Wedding Plans Part I

Well. . .being the female that I am I changed my mind.  No, I didn't change my mind about marrying Tim so stop thinking that right now.  I changed my mind about the colors I want.  Well sort of.  I kind of just decided that I dont want to have pale blue and pale green as my colors anymore.  I know that I want just one color and white.  I want to simplify things a bit.  I spoke to Tim a while ago on the phone and he wants me to wear a white dress. . .a white dress.  Well I think everyone knows that you're only supposed to wear a white dress if you're a virgin. . .I am NOT a virgin.  I tried to explain this to him but he wouldn't listen.  He said I could wear a white dress with some sort of colored accent or something. . .I don't know how the rules apply to that, but I will do what I can.  I tried to tell him that I can wear an off white dress, but for whatever reason he REALLY wants me to wear a white dress.  We'll see.  I was talking to my darling Gabby today about changing the colors.  We were discussing having midnight blue and white.  What do you think?  Any input?

Wishing

If I wish upon a star will you come home?  How about if I pray to god every night before I go to sleep?  If I blow out all my candles on my cake?  Or if I toss a penny into a fountain?  I need my Knight in Shining Armor.  I need him to kiss away my tears, and make all the monsters under my bed go away.  I need my Knight because when he is beside me when I sleep. . .I don't have nightmares.  He slays the dragons and kisses me in my tower.  But how would have thought that the amazing Knight would have to leave after saving the princess. . .who would have thought that the Knight had to fight more dragons and continue to save the world?  Did you read the fine print beneath the words "Happily Ever After?"  The knight. . .will always be a Knight.  He wears his armor into battle and it shines bright in the sun as well as the moon.  And the Princess. . .she will continue to wait, and wish, and pray until the Knight no longer has to wear his armor. . .and he can come home.

Casino

So I went to the casino the other night.  I went to TurningStone with my parents.  I've never been to a casino. . .honestly I don't even think I've seen one before.  But we went.  I put $75 on the little cards that they give you.  On the second slot machine I went to I more than doubled my money, so I was going to go and take $100 off my card and play with the rest.  Well. . .there were a lot of slot machines between that machine and the place you go to get the money off and they had buttons and lights and pretty colors. . .lol so needless to say I didnt take $100 off.  I was doing really well though.  I managed to stay above $100 almost all night and we played for hours.  After we went to dinner though, it was just all down hill.  I lost it all by the end of the night.  I had planned on it anyways, but it was fun.  I forget how much my mom lost, I think she lost like $100 or $120.  Dad was the only one that won anything.  But we had a good time. 

College

Well for those of you that don't already know, I got accepted to Long Island University C.W Post and they are giving me $11,000 A YEAR to go there.  That is without other financial aid and scholarships.  I was so happy when I found out, I seriously wanted to cry.  Everyone was really happy for me, and it made me feel so good.  If everything goes right I will most likely go there.  I'm still waiting to hear from the rest of the schools I applied to and then make my final decision.  I still don't know if I want to go that far away, or if I want to spend that much money all 4 years because its like $28,000 a year. . .