Dream

Its not often that I dream about my cousin that passed away.  I used to a lot shortly after she died, but lately I don't.  I dreamed about her last night.  She told me she faked her death, I don't remember her reasoning why or how, but thats what she told me.  I got to talk to her, and hug her. . .it was so real.  It was like she was there.  I even said to her in my dream that I was afraid that was a dream and I didn't want to wake up. . .I was scared of waking up.  Shortly after saying that I woke up, and once again. . .she's gone.  I really don't mind dreaming about her, I actually like it because I get to see her and talk to her again.  It feels like its really her. . .it always does.  I miss her so much and not a day goes by that I don't think about her, but when she's in my dreams. . .its like she's there and just for a moment I get to forget about the pain and thank god that I get to spend one more moment with her. 

Venting/Ranting

Sometimes I wonder why I don't just give up.  Perhaps I already have.  My apathy is overwhelming. . .its getting to the point where almost NOTHING matters to me anymore.  The stuff thats left. . .its slipping through my fingers.  I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a sky scraper. . .immobile as the whole thing crashes above my head and drags me down.  When will it stop?  When will these challenges stop being thrown at me?  Why can't I just have it easy for a little while?  Haven't I lost enough?  Haven't I suffered enough?  Sometimes I feel so fragile. . .I think the wind will just tear me apart and blow me away.  There would be nothing left.  Maybe there already isn't anything left.  Am I just a hollow shell going through the motions?  Is there anything left inside of me?  Maybe I'm dried up. . .maybe I cried my heart and soul away and now there is nothing left of me.  If this is karma, what did I do?  All my life all I have wanted to do is help people. . .maybe I have no worth.  Maybe I'm nothing.  Maybe I was an accident of creation and my existence is meaningless.  I don't mean to be so emo. . .I'm really not.  I'm normally a very upbeat, optimistic person for those who know me.  Its just getting to be too much.  I've lost soo many people to death.  I've lost soo many people just from losing them.  I think I may have lost myself in the mix.  Maybe this is death. . .it just takes a while for the body to follow the soul.  Can you cry yourself to death?  Can emotional pain kill you?  Can nightmares kill you?  I don't mean to be so morbid and so depressing. . .I don't really cry anymore. . .I hurt but I brush it off and hold it in.  Thats what I mean by apathy.  Instead of crying. . .I just don't care, but I don't feel better so I'm not really happy. . .too much on my mind.  To much falling apart and going to hell around me.  I need to excape.  I need to move. . .to breath, but I can't.  I'm trapped in this mortal hell.  Trapped in this world, this town, this house, this body. . .trapped in my own freaking mind.  Things. . .thoughts. . .words longing to escape but can't find the exit.  There is nothing lighting the way out.  So I sit here pondering my pain, unable to fix it. . .apologizing for my negativity as I vent in my blog.  Maybe I should just forfeit and wave my white flag.  Surrender myself to this fate instead of attempt to fight it.  Maybe slipping into the quick sand isn't so bad.  Maybe its painless.  Fighting it is exausting. . .whats the point?  I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. . .I don't so an end to this war let alone this battle.  I see nothing ahead.  Just painful pictures of my past that won't disappear.  Thats all I see. 

Panic Attacks

I've been having a lot of panic attacks lately.  I've had them for years, but they're pretty rare.  I usually have them at night after a nightmare, but not that often.  I used to have them like once a month but lately they have been less and less until recently.  Recently I've had them a lot more and they've been a lot worse and I feel different when I have them.   I had one the other day when I was with Ryan.  I started feeling really weird and panicky when we were shopping and it got worse when we went to the car wash and were driving home.  I don't know what happened or why I felt that way.  Ryan is a really REALLY really safe driver so I know it wasn't that. . .I just felt really weird.  I felt so anxious and my heart started to race, and I started to get all hot, and I just didn't feel right at all.  Then I had one the next morning when I was having my breakfast. . .there was nothing out of the ordinary to bring it on. . .I just had one.  I don't really like talking about my panic attacks. . .like what I think about, how I calm myself down, possible ways of fixing them.  I don't care if people know that I have them, but I don't want people to see me have one. . .and I don't want to talk about it.  I'm kind of embarrassed by them, and I'm not sure why.  I don't know why I feel this way about them. . .I can tell you about them on here, and tell you I had one. . .but I get upset when people try to suggest ways of fixing them. . .I'm not sure why.  I'm really scared of having another one at school, its happened a few times before, but I hate it when other people see me have them. 

Ryan

Okay sooo. . .I've been seeing this guy for about 2 and a half weeks now and we made our relationship official a little over a week ago :)  Its been about 2 months since Tim and I split up and since then I have been doing a lot of dating.  I've gone out with a few different type of guys and had no intentions of really making it official with any of them.  They weren't quite what I was looking for.  I really didn't think I was going to get into another relationship until college because I'm going away and that usually causes a lot of drama that I would rather not be a part of.  Well all of that changed when I met Ryan.  I felt an instant connection to him, it was amazing.  We talked for hours on our first date and we discovered we have the same birthday (except he is 4 years older than me) and we are both planning to go to Oneonta in the fall :)  I think he felt the same connection and how easily we get along and communicate.  It was great.  Then, because we both still live at home, we had the lovely experience of meeting each others parents while still getting to know each other.  My parents, especially my mom, like him a lot.  My mom said that she liked him almost instantly (I can relate).  I really like his dad as well, he's a really cool, laid back kind of guy and from what Ryan tells me, he likes me too.  We had some complications when deciding whether or not to be together.  I was all for it, but he was a little more apprehensive.  He had never really been in a relationship before and I think he was scared and if the relationship fell through he didn't want to lose me completely because of something like that.  I understood and told him I would be happy with what I did have with him.  Well within a few days we talked about it and decided we wanted to be together and we were already a couple so there was no point in not having the title.  Thus far, I think we're both pretty happy with our decision.  I love it because I get to see him nearly every day because he only lives about 25 minutes away.  I can talk to him, and I don't worry that he is going to get mad or upset with me because of my thoughts or feelings.  We have a lot of long, interesting conversations that don't always make sense, but we love the time we share together.  We have fun and as far as I know we're both really happy :)  I'll post pictures soon once I have more of us.  Its nice to find a guy that treats me right, is mature, and has so much in common with me, but we also have a lot of differences to keep it interesting.  I love talking to him. . .I love his mind.  :)

My Blog

When I started writing my blog, it was just for fun.  It was just a place to put my writing.  It didn't really have a purpose, I just wanted to give it a shot.  Now. . .my blog is so much more than that, to me anyways.  My blog is my vent.  I vent my feelings, my thoughts, my rants on my blog.  Its a place to show off my writing and let other people critique it.  Its my piece of art.  Its a piece of me. . .my soul.  I am very passionate about my blog and thats why I post on here several times a week.  I put effort into these things.  Do I think that many people care about my life?? No, not at all.  Do I care who reads it?  No, not really.  I like that people read it, comment, and talk about my blog.  It makes me happy when people care. . .but I don't think I would stop doing it even if no one read it or commented or whatever.  I can say whatever I want in my blog. . .about whatever I want because its mine.  Its all mine.  Its completely personal.  I've written so much on here about my life and sometimes people don't even know about it.  I write in code a lot. . .in my poetry.  I'll write about things and no one really has any idea what its about, but they read it and like it. . .but I know.  Thats all that matters.  I love to write.  My blog is my canvas and my words are my paint and together, in my opinion, I make beautiful masterpieces.  I put my heart and soul into everything I write and sometimes I write about things that are painful, sad, happy, beautiful. . .and when I write it down. . .I make art and I feel better and I'm happy about it. 

People

Okay, this goes out to all the people that feel the need to leave rude comments or click "hate it" on something just to be a prick.  I'm sorry that you don't have a life.  I'm sorry you don't have friends, a job, school, or anything that keeps you busy and makes you happy.  You must be really bored and lonely if you can't think of anything better to do than to comment on my blog.  If you don't like me, or you don't like my blog. . .why waste your time reading it?  You must have a lot of free time, but you know what. . .go ahead.  Comment on my blog all you want.  Click "hate it" as much as you want.  If its keeping you off the streets and away from drugs go ahead.

Waterfall

LOL this is an inside joke between me, Cecilia, and Gabe.  hahahaha gotta love 11th period in the library ;)

Letter to Cassie

Dear Cassie,
I'm writing this directly to you and also allowing whoever else to read it because there are a few things in this letter that other people need to see as well.  I am honestly sorry if I upset you by not venting all of my problems to you and letting you be the shoulder I cried on, but I have my own reasons for not doing so that have nothing to do with you.  I don't like telling other people my problems.  I handle them myself unless I can't.  If I need help, I have no problem asking for it, but I don't like to weigh other people down with my problems.  I like keeping the mood light.  I am more of a listener, I will always be there for someone else no matter what the problem is and who the person is.  Its just me.  I like to help people and I feel I am do people a favor by not whining, complaining, and venting to them.  I vent on my blog.  With writing.  Sometimes I'm not direct about what I'm venting about, but its personal to me and it makes me feel better. . .everyone is different.  I totally agree we have grown apart this year.  We really haven't been friends much at all this year.  Thats okay, it happens.  I can't tell you how many friends I've grown apart from just in the 4 years of high school, its life. . .it happens.  If it happens with us, well it pretty much already has, its okay.  Am I sorry it happened?? Yes of course.  Cassie I love you to death even when we are fighting, even when you're being a total bitch. . .unconditional love babe.  I don't think there is much you could do for me not to love you to death.  We have been very close friends, and you've been one of my bestfriends for years now.  I have told you everything and that never stopped. . .we just stopped having opportunities for me to tell you everything.  I've always been there for you, and even if we aren't friends and you need someone I will still be there for you in the future. . .just the way I am.  You have always been there for me too when I needed you and I am very greatful.  Sorry I made you uncomfy around me because I wasn't being open with you or whatever. . .yes our friendship changed and we grew apart.  I'm sorry.  And I'm sorry if I upset you.  Regardless, you hurt me very deeply.  You said things that you know nothing about and couldn't know anything about without me telling you and explaining. . .even then you might not unless you experience them.  You implied things that hurt my feelings and if you believe they are true then I don't honestly believe you were ever my friend because if you were you would know better.  You should know me better than just about anyone else even if I haven't been completely open with you for the last few months.  I honestly think part of it was that you've been upset with me for a while now and were looking for an opportunity to express that and hurt my feelings.  Its a human thing to want to hurt someone that upset you and I think you used that as your opportunity.  I'm sorry if you feel that my hurt feelings were blown out of proportion. . .didn't realize that feeling that way as a response was wrong. . .but whatever.  You know what I think, You know how I feel.  I wish you the best of luck.  Sorry it all happened this way but I'm graduating soon so you won't have to worry about it.  I know you already "Don't care"  just like you don't care about just about everything, but I care.  So I said what I had to say. 

Sincerely,
Jocie

If Nothing Else. . .Always Be True To Yourself

If you looked at yourself right now, what would you see?  Look passed the make up, the hairspray, the fake smiles or frowns.  Look past your skin, your lips, your clothes.  Look deep into your own eyes.  What do you see?  Look into your eyes all the way into your heart, your mind. . .your soul.  Look into who you are. . .what you are.  What do you see?  Is the person on the inside, the same as the outside?  Is that a good thing?  Or are you pretending to be someone your not?  and is that a good thing?  Are you happy with what you see?  Happy with how you act?  Happy with your friends, your family?  How you treat your friends in family?  What you do in your spare time??  Are you happy on the inside as well as the outside?  Go ahead, take a look in the mirror.  Or are you afraid?  Do you already know that you won't be happy with what you see?  Or are you scared of what you might see?  Sometimes I have to do this. . .just take a step back and look at myself.  Listen to my own thoughts.  Reason with my emotions.  Sometimes I'm not happy with myself inside and out. . .but other times I am even if other people aren't happy with me.  Sometimes I have to ask myself, how do I really feel about something because I get irrational.  Is that a bad thing?  My grandmother told me, while she was in the hospital and we weren't sure if she was going to make it or not, to always be true to yourself. . .that if nothing else to always be true to yourself.  The next day I broke up with Tim because of how he was acting and playing games.  If you're always true to yourself, if you're always acting as yourself, and if you're always happy with yourself inside and out. . .I think you will be a happy person.  Am I wrong?  Right now I'm pretty happy with myself.  I'm far from perfect and I'm positive there are 100 things I could improve on. . .but I'm happy.  What about you?  Are you happy?

Horrible Freaking Day

Today has just been awful.  To start, I had a confrontation with some friends because they feel the need to give their input about my life and decisions when they don't even know the situation.  Then I come home and my mom tells me we have to get rid of our cats because she has had Pneumonia for like 2 months and can't get rid of it because of the cats.  So I'm mad, and sad, and heartbroken. . .so I go over to Ryan's house and he always makes me feel 100x better, and he did, but then my boss calls me and says she's too busy to take all of this on by herself and needs me to come over.  So I had to leave Ryan, which made me sad and go to work.  It takes me about 25 minutes to get from Little Falls to where I work, so by the time I get there she really isn't busy anymore.  One table is leaving and the other two are getting their food. . .so I left for pretty much nothing.  My boss felt bad though that I left for nothing and gave me $10.  She does take care of me and she has good intentions but ughhh.  She apologized but then said "you should really try to stay near by around dinner time"  ughh.  So she doesn't want me to go anywhere EVER just in case she needs me to come in.  Sorry, I have a life.  Not a huge one, but a life none the less.  It bothered me that she said that.  I love Sace with all my heart and I love my job, but UGHHH.  Then I go home.  Yes home and my mother tells me to sit down.  Immediately I think "great, more bad news" and I was right.  I had a CAT scan taken of my sinuses the other day because I've been having such bad headaches I can't function.  Evidently my sinuses are soooo clogged that I have to see a specialist.  They have to stick a needle up my nose and numb my sinuses so they can drain them.  Okay, first of all, I HATE doctors.  I don't mind needles and what not, but NOT UP MY NOSE!!  I got tested for swine flu with that nose swab dealy and that hurt and freaked me out enough.  I really hope they can put me to sleep or something because I WILL have a panic attack and I'm just going to freak out.  Ryan said he would go with me if he wasn't at school when I had to have all of this done.  Ughh.  It has just been a shitty day and because I'm under soo much stress a nightmare is almost guaranteed.  Hopefully tomorrow is better.  *SIGH*