Not single anymore, but still vain! :D

What do you think???

School

Well my last, first day of highschool starts tomorrow.  Yay. . .(sarcasm).  I am happy to be a senior, and happy this is my last year, but really its not.  I have 5+ years left of school after this year.  Not to mention I am just sooo ready for this to be over.  I haven't even started school yet and I'm already counting the days to christmas vacation.  Why am I not excited?  I think this year will be great and all, lots of friends, great classes, I love all of my teachers, I'm a senior. . .idk.  I've visited all but one of the colleges on my list and 3 of them I'm going to apply to so far.  It will be 4 if I like this last one.  These are my choices in order:

1. Long Island University C.W Post
2. SUNY Stony Brook
3. SUNY Fredonia

the last school I have to visit is SUNY Oswego so perhaps that will be somewhere on that list too.  I plan to major in psychology and minor in theatre.  I don't know why I can't just be simple and have one major and just stop at my bachelors, but nooo, I have to get my masters and maybe even my doctorate.  Oh well.  I'm done ranting.

The OTHER Confusing Situation

Well, as you all know Chris and I broke up a little over a week ago.  If you had read my previous blogs you know that it was a hard break up and our friendship also went down the tubes.  If you don't already know all of this I suggest you read my blogs starting with "The Fair" to get yourself updated because if you don't you will not understand this blog at all.  Well. . .even if you had read those blogs you may not understand this one.  I'm still confused myself.  Well lets see. . .the other night Chris and I were talking, he was still begging me to be his friend and telling me how miserable he was, and I was still shouting "I DON'T CARE!!!" But when his roommate expressed to me that Chris may not really be over me like I thought I decided to cool it a little.  I believed that because he was the one that broke up with me because he didn't have feelings for me, and then told me that he never did love me, he was going to handle this just fine and get over me really fast.  It confused me that he got upset when he found out I was seeing other guys and begged for my friendship.  But I guess his roommate was right, Chris wasn't over me.  So I decided if that was the case then I wouldn't make the situation harder on him and I would be civil.  So we started talking on aim for a while about different things and it was good.  It was nice to talk to him.  Then we started talking on the phone.  Well we ended up talking for like 4-5 hours.  We talked about our relationship and the break up and he made me realize that I had done things in our relationship that hurt him as well.  He didn't like to tell me what was bothering him so I never really knew when he was hurting or feeling a certain way, but I didn't always make it easy for him to tell me.  It was always on my terms, I would listen when I wanted to and have him tell me when I wanted him too.  That was wrong.  I didn't really realize what I had done until the other night, but if I had thought about it earlier I would have realized it.  So I apologized for having done that.  I hadn't realized how much he had put up with while dating me and I didn't appreciate it until now and I made sure to tell him that.  But its hard for me to know what is bothering him when he doesn't tell me.  There were a lot of times when I would ask for hours what was bothering him and beg to talk about it and he just wouldn't.  We were both at fault.  That doesn't make what he did any better though.  He did still break my heart and lied a lot.  He admitted to me during our conversation that he did love me and always had.   He said that he told me he hadn't so that I would lose hope in getting back together.  He said he was very much confused and he's not even sure why he broke up with me.  He was overwhelmed and confused so he acted with out really thinking about it.  I understand confusion, but what he did. . .idk.  He purposely hurt me, he made me cry, he broke my heart, he made me believe our entire relationship was nothing more than a lie and something for him to do.  Then he changes his mind and tells me that he loves me and all of that was a lie.  So what was the lie? What was true? What am I supposed to believe? Then I asked him if he wanted me back and he said yes.    Can you say whiplash??? I didn't know what to think.  So I told him that we could start over From the beginning.  We could go on our first date again and see where it goes.  I told him that we could start seeing each other, but I was going to keep my dates with other people.  We weren't together yet, but we would be sooner or later.  I told him I didn't trust him and that he needed to figure out what he really wanted.  I told him that if he really did love me and if I was what he REALLY wanted he would have to prove it to me.  He said he was willing to do that.  He said I was the one he loved and the one he wanted.  So I gave him a chance.  We went to the Fonda Fair for our "first date."  He paid for everything and did all he could to make sure I was happy, just like he has always done.  We went on rides, and he won me 7 stuffed animals that I got to carry around all day.  Then at the end of the night, he drove me home and walked me to the door and we shared our "first kiss." His effort was flattering.  He made me very happy that night and even gave me butterflies.  Then he went home and went back to college the next day, but ended up having to come back because my computer had gotten a virus and was destroying itself!!  So he came back and played hero and saved me :D, then he went home again and came back this weekend to see me, take me out to dinner, spend time together.  He asked me out the other night while he was holding me close in my room.  I had no choice but to say yes.  I do love him very much and always have.  I am scared that the reason he wants me back is because he is once again sad, bored, and lonely and he got jealous that I was doing just fine with out him.  I am scared that this is going to happen again.  I'm scared of his intentions and his ability to hurt me, but I trust him.  If he says he won't then I just have to believe him.  I can't go the rest of my life being afraid because any guy could do the samething to me.  But I told him that if he does decide to do this to me again we will be done.  I will not speak to him, I will block him on every device possible and he will be sooo done.  I won't forgive him again.  I'm giving him another chance and its up to him how he is going to take it.  There will not be a next time.  Until then, we are back together and I love him and he swears left and right that he loves me more than anything.  We will see.  Wish me luck. 

The Adoption Lady

The lady for the Adoption did finally show up the other day.  She looked around our house, and spoke to my mom, Gary, and me.  She asked me a bunch of questions about growing up with Gary and made sure it was all my decision to have him adopt me, and not my mother or someone else trying to force me into it.  Then she asked my mom questions about work and how long she has been with Gary and a bunch of personal stuff like that.  She seemed pretty nice despite her unprofessionalism we experienced in the past.  Then she told us she was going to recommend the adoption to the court and write up a report.  She said that all that was left now was the court date and then I'm officially adopted.  I guess they make it look like there was never an adoption.  They make it seem like Gary was always my father.  I have to get a new social security card, license, birth certificate, EVERYTHING.  Its been a long process, but it is finally coming to a close.  :D

The Single Me

All I can really say is the "Single Me" sucks.  I haven't been single since early December and I'm far from used to it.  I've been out a few times since Chris broke up with me and it all feels so weird.  I'm not used to starting from the beginning again and getting to know someone and flirting and playing hard to get and what not.  Its not fun at all.  I don't want to come across as to clingy or like I'm pushing someone away but I sincerely have no clue what I'm doing anymore!! Not to mention I have no clue how to feel about anything.  Right now my heart is covered in lead and surrounded by a fence guarded by raptors and the raptors are surrounded by a mote filled with sharks.  So yeah. . .its not really easy to get in there right now.  I feel almost numb.  I mean, I have feelings for people, I feel happy and what not. . .but its different.  I can't feel pain right now. . .I don't feel especially good, but I can feel okay.  You could murder my bestfriend and I'm not sure I would feel it.  I mean, this is what I asked for, never to feel pain again, but I'm a little concerned about this.  I'm not sure exactly what I'm feeling.  I know I feel strong for getting over him like I did.  I feel scared of letting someone in and letting them hurt me again.  I'm scared that I'm going to push people away due to my fear.  Maybe I started dating too fast but everyone was encouraging me so much to move on. . .maybe I took that a little too literally and started too fast.  Maybe I need to just stop and think for a little while and figure things out for myself.  I have no idea whats going on.  If you're reading this I'm sure you've noticed that even my thoughts are all over the place.  I wish I could see the future because then I wouldn't make mistakes.  I would know what is going to happen.  I don't regret anything that I've done in the past because I've learned (the hard way) from everything I've done, but I'd really like to stop doing that.  I'd really like to sail through the rest of life happily with minor speed bumps.  Here I go off on a tangent. . .back to dating.  I do enjoy it.  I like the attention and I like the feeling I get when I'm with certain people.  I like knowing that people are attracted to me.  I'm just not sure what I'm doing right now.  *sigh* "Passion. . .Confusion. . .Pain. . .Torture. . .and Love. . .and Hate"~Matt Soto (yes, from Nonagon)

Very Inspiring Words

STRONG ENOUGH ~ CHER
I don't need your sympathy
There's nothing you can say or do for me
And I don't want a miracle
You'll never change for no-one
And I hear your reasons why
Where did you sleep last night?
And was she worth it, was she worth it?

Cause I'm strong enough to live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough, now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go
There's no more to say
So save your breath and walk away
No matter what I hear you say
I'm strong enough to know you gotta go

So you feel misunderstood
Baby have I got news for you
On being used, I could write a book
But you don't wanna hear about it
Cause I've been losing sleep
And you've been going cheap
And she ain't worth half of me, it's true
Now I'm telling you

That I'm strong enough to live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough, now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go

Come hell or waters high
You'll never see me cry
This is our last goodbye, it's true
I'm telling you
Now I'm strong enough to live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough, now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go
There's no more to say
So save your breath and walk away
No matter what I hear you say
I'm strong enough to know you gotta go  
 
THANK YOU CHER FOR THESE VERY INSPIRING WORDS!!!

Goodbye Chris

Well if you have read my last few blogs you know that Chris and I broke up, things were doing okay with me and him as "friends" but that all went to hell last night.  After sending him the letter that you can read below, which I admit was a bit harsh, but for the things he said to me, I dont think it was that bad.  If he can be honest and tell me how he feels while forgetting my feelings I can do the samething.  After reading it he still messaged me and continued to talk to me.  I was fine with that.  I told him he couldn't hurt me anymore and that he meant nothing to me anymore.  I told him he had destroyed all feelings I had for him, and I had forgiven him for what he did so I had no feelings of anger, saddness, or hate, nor did I have feelings of affection.  I told him I was starting to see some of his true colors and that wasn't the type of guy I wanted to be with or have anything to do with.  He kept asking me why I hated him and why I was saying these things,  I told him that I didn't hate him at all.  I didn't want to be on an emotional rollercoaster anymore.  I didn't want him to keep giving me false hope and toying with my emotions.  I wasn't going to let him be in a position to hurt me anymore, I'm done getting hurt.  He told me that he still wanted to be friends, and I told him i honestly didn't think I wanted to be anymore.  He was shocked, he couldn't believe I had the balls to finally say this.  I've never been able to stand up to anyone like this.  I've never been able to just say I'm done and I don't want anything more to do with you.  All my life I've wanted to stand up to my father, but I was never able to.  I've never been able to really let go of things all that well.  Even when I was a child and I would catch bugs and catterpillers I never wanted anyone to take them away from me.  I wanted to keep them in my jar until they died and then I would cry.  I would cry and throw a fit when someone would try to take something like that away from me.  I'm not sure why I've never been good at letting go, but I let go of Chris.  I do feel a lot better now.  I do appologize if I hurt him, that wasn't my intent.  I may have been a little harsh in the way that I worded certain things, but I think they were all things he needed to hear and he was doing the samething to me.  I can admit when I'm wrong, and he can't without getting really upset about it.  I do feel bad because he was saying that he didn't have any friends or anyone that is there for him, and I was the only person really there, but he pushed me away and I'm not going to be there if he is going to treat me like crap and hurt me.  So I'm sorry Chris if I hurt you at all, that wasn't my intent, but I have moved on and you need to just do the same.  :D

Confession

After seeing my last couple posts I realized that I have left some things out.  I cannot go on and let you think that I have been perfect.  I have been far from it.  While Chris and I were together I did make a lot of mistakes.  I'm not perfect and I'm still learning, but the break up and all of this wasn't all of his fault.  I will admit that I did NOT do as much for him as he did for me in the relationship.  We both had different ways of showing affection and in his eyes my way of doing it didn't equal his.  I didn't drive out to see him nearly as much as he drove to see me and I could have done it more.  We only lived 15 mintues away but that was no excuse.  The truth is I HATE DRIVING!! So I did leave that up to him to pay for the gas and do all the traveling and I admit that was wrong.  Towards the end I did admit that and I tried to drive to him more, but it was too late.  My way of showing affection was being there when he needed me, holding him at night, telling him I loved him, spending time with him, and sending him cute messages online.  His was taking me out, buying me things and doing things in that manner.  I didn't do that sort of thing as much and I probably should have just to say thank you and show that I cared.  Once again, I did it more towards the end, but it was too late.  I'm also the type of person that gets stressed out easily and I don't deal with it well.  This is the one that I feel the worst about.  I did take a lot out on him.  When I got angry or upset, or stressed out he was the one that heard about it and had to deal with it.  I tried to appologize when ever it would happen but that wasn't enough.  He always put up with it and dealt with it, and he shouldn't have had to.  I shouldn't have taken it out on him and been such a B-word.  I wasn't perfect and these are the things that I did do in our relationship that I take responsibilty for.  I tried to appologize for everything I did because I knew I did it, but it was either too late or not enough. 

Inspiring words from another friend

"ya i dont blame u....but believe me from pictures ive seen, things u wrote, u rly r everything i want. ur not perfect u dont live the perfect princess life but ur strong and u know whats important uk when to hold grudges when to let ur pride fall to the wayside, u genuinely care about ppl no matter what, i dont think i could ever be as strong as u from what i read. i want someone that will actually truly love me and that will open there heart to me and trust me to never break it....ive had so many relationships with girls that always have someone on the side just incase someone that everything that they did for me always had a reason for it and i want someone that will do something for me just because....like when u made him that video about how u loved him and missed him....thats exactly what i would die for....i havnt dealt with family issues like u have but i put up with bullshit relationships that i thought were everything i thought i wanted....i want a girl that will miss me just as much as i miss them.."

This was written to me from another friend of mine.  This really made me smile and brought tears to my eyes.  Just for an update: I found out chris has been reading my emails and got all upset because I was talking to other guys and was doing so well.  He is very jealous that I have all my friends and family here supporting me and he is alone.  He feels that he has no one and when I tried to be there for him he attacked me.  He told me he felt that I did nothing for him in our entire relationship and pretty much said I was a horrible girlfriend.  He can feel however he wants.  He tried to bring me down and make me feel bad, but I didn't let him. Instead, I thought about it and then wrote him a letter saying : "well i've decided i'm not going to be a push over. i'm going to tell you what i think and how i feel and i dont care what you think or do. go ahead and delete me from my friends and block me on aim, you will just be even more alone. chris you are selfish, you are the only one that matters. you're the type of person that will do something for someone only if you get something in return. you don't appreciate just doing something for someone just because. in fact you dont care about other people at all, its all about you. you want me to be hurting right now because you are. you hate it that i have so many friends and family that are there for me and love me and you're left alone. do you know why you are alone chris? because u push everyone away. you dont care about other people so why would they want to care about u? you have an unapproachable personality. Seriously, no one can make you happy. your father says the same thing. nothing anyone does for you will make you happy, you always want more, its never enough. You didn't care that i was here missing you before we broke up. You didn't care that I wanted to talk to u and I was up waiting al the time. You knew how I felt and you didn't care, you just wanted to have fun. Well it looks like the fun is over and where are you? you are alone. You don't have me anymore to waste your time and to make you feel better about yourself. You don't have anyone but yourself and that is all you will have until you grow up and learn its not all about you. You're a very depressing person and you brought me down a lot. You ruined every event that should have been fun for the both of us. You ruined a lot of things for me but I just let it go, I always just let it go. I'm not letting it go now chris. Chris you broke my heart into pieces and then just kept letting me have it until I couldn' ttake anymore. And then I when i was doing better and starting to see other people you got jealous and decided to try to hurt me. Well you didn't hurt me. I dont care chris. I never hurt u nearly as much as you hurt me. You're pathedic for reading my emails. Thats what you do because your bored? You should be ashamed of yourself. Well I hope you are enjoying your self pity. I'm over you chris and I dont care if you never want to speak to me again. Honestly, I think I feel better now than I did the entire time we were together. No more stress. I can do what I want when I want and so can you. I'm still not blocking you or deleting you because when you realize how much of an ass you are, i'm here for you to appologize, and if you don't i'm still okay with that. I dont care what happens to you chris. I ACTUALLY AND SINCERLY DON'T CARE ANYMORE!! I have soo many people that love me and if you dont, well you're just one person. Have a great life if I dont talk to you again and I do wish you the best."

It may have been a bit harsh, but I was really upset and that truely was how I felt.  If he can try to beat me down and hurt me then I can be honest and tell him what I think and how I feel. 

:D

Okay, so I have this friend.  We've known each other for quite a while actually but we lost contact and hadn't spoken for months.  Well he and I started talking again the day before Chris and I broke up and we've been talking ever since.  We were talking earlier today about my blog and he implied that he wanted me to write a little something on here about him so that is what I'm doing.  I'm not sure if he wants me to say his name or not so I wont I will just call him R because in an email he sent me he called me J lol.  Well R is a very nice guy.  He has really been there for me these last few days.  Every morning he would send me an email or a text just to make me smile and he has been there when I needed him.  I guess I had forgotten how great he was to me.  So thank you R for putting up with me and for being a great friend.  You made me feel like the most special and beautiful person on earth when someone else made me feel like dirt.  :D