Just an Update

Well I think i've fought through the worst part of the storm.  I'm not feeling as depressed, which believe it or not was a result of a conversation I had with Ryan a few days before we broke up.  Cassie and I are friends again which makes me happy and takes a lot of stress off of me.  Its so much easier to love her than to avoid her.  Love you Cassie ♥♥♥  I'm done with my AP English Test and I think I did really well.  Things are starting to settle down again and I'm doing okay.  I haven't had a nightmare in 4 days :) which is a record for me.  I'm still stressing about paying for college especially because I am, somehow, getting $1,000 less than I was originally getting (wtf?!?!) but I'm accepted and I'm going to make it work somehow.  I'm going to sell my car because I can't use it for a few years and I'll use that money to help pay for college.  Its a 95 tan Honda accord. . .wagon :P with like 64,000 miles on it.  Its a good car :) I think we're selling it for like $3500.  The weather is beautiful and for the most part things are good.  I think i've made it out of this slump :)  Sometimes I get scared though when a lot of bad shit happens to me.  For some reason I feel like a target and I just keep getting hit with more stuff that I have to deal with like not having my real father, my cousin dying, Jack dying, Adam dying, multiple family members dying, my grandma being ill, my domestic family issues, school, issues with friends, relationship drama. . .everything.  I get scared because I wonder if I'm going to grow immune to it.  If this keeps happening am I just not going to hurt anymore?? Is it a good thing not to hurt?  I'm not sure if I would rather be immune to pain or feel it. . .and if I'm immune to pain, will I eventually grow immune to happiness as well??  I'm a pretty happy, upbeat person for the most part, but I've dealt with a lot and faced a lot of challenges.  I always try to be optimistic and see the good in every situation but after a while that gets hard and thats when I get myself into some of these slumps.  I just hope I can go a few months w/o anything really bad happening or a bunch of little things all happening at once.  :) I would much rather be happy.

I want to tell you. . .

Have you ever had so much that you wanted to say, but had too much pride or were too embarrassed to say it?  There is soo much I want to say.  I'm screaming it in my mind. . .but if you look at me, all you will see is a placid smile.  There is so much I want to tell people. . .but I don't. . .I can't?  I'm afraid of your response.  I'm afraid of how you will judge me.  I'm afraid of what you will think and not say.  So the words are lost. . .and never spoken.  They disappear into emptiness because the words never existed. . .the thoughts might remain but even those will disappear.  Nothingness.

Graduation Party

So my Grad party is July 17th :) I am deff excited.  I'm not really doing any of the planning, my mom is kinda in control and I'm just showing up.  Legend has it that there will be a DJ there, lots a food, a cash bar, STUMP, and mee :) I made a list of my friends and my mom made a list of family.  I'm pretty sure I got everybody but if you would like to make sure you are on that list please hit me up.  I'm pretty good at remembering people and what not but sometimes my mind fails me sooo I can use all the help I can get.  Its going to be Saturday July 17th from 1pm-6pm :) be there or be square.

Flattered

I'm flattered :) I started my blog after seeing the movie Julie and Julia, it was a movie about Julia Childs and how this woman Julie wrote a blog about how she cooked all of the recipies in Julia Childs cook book.  Since then I've posted in my blog several times a week.  It will be one year this August and I'm psyched!  I honestly wasn't sure I was going to keep going even this long because I have a short attention span, but I have grown to be so passionate about my blog and it actually means a lot to me.  Well this guy I know. . .(I might as well say his name) Jason, started a blog because he thought it was a cool idea after seeing mine.  His first blog he wrote a bit about me and I was sincerely flattered.  I hope he doesn't mind but I am going to put a link to his blog at the bottom of this one so you can all read it.  Hope you don't mind Jason :)  It made me feel really good that I could do that and inspire him to start a blog.  I hope he becomes as passionate about his blog as I am about mine.  Best of luck Jason.

http://jaydawg13032.blogspot.com/

Squished

I love it
I love all the colors and lights
the music and the voices.
I love the energy.
The way I feel.
It makes me so happy.
The minutes pass by so slowly as I sit in my euphoria.
The world is different.
Its beautiful.
It changed.
I look around, do you see what I see?
I'm floating
I defy gravity.
Girl. . .I'm squished.

Two Weeks

Well. . .i'm single again lol.  Ryan and I lasted all of 2 weeks lol and then he broke up with me.  He expects relationships to be like the movies where its love at first sight and everything is perfect. . .oh well.  It wasn't a bad break up, we weren't even fighting, he just came over and told me he didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore.  He still wants to be friends and I have mixed feelings about that, but we'll see.  I'm not really upset because I wasn't head over heels or anything near it. . .we were seeing each other for 3 weeks.  So you win some, you lose some.  When one door closes another one opens.  I'm sad because I was happy being with him, and I like being his girlfriend, but he didn't like it.  He says he likes me, he loves spending time with me, kissing me, talking to me and all of that. . .he just doesn't want to be in a relationship.  Idk. . .it sort of makes sense and it sort of doesn't.  Its all good though.  I can still do better and its not like there aren't already people out there that DO want to be with me.  :)

College IIII

Well I sent in my deposit to SUNY Oneonta the other day and I got a letter back today saying how proud they are of their campus, alumni, and students.  I don't know why but when I got the letter, I felt really good.  I'm really starting to feel like I made the right decision and I don't regret not going to Long Island at all.  And I got a window decal!! lol but the suckie part is, I'm selling my car so I can't put it in MY window lol.  But I'm really excited about going there in the fall and I've decided to switch my major to Psychology.  So I am now officially part of SUNY Oneonta's class of 2014!!! wooo :)

Dream

Its not often that I dream about my cousin that passed away.  I used to a lot shortly after she died, but lately I don't.  I dreamed about her last night.  She told me she faked her death, I don't remember her reasoning why or how, but thats what she told me.  I got to talk to her, and hug her. . .it was so real.  It was like she was there.  I even said to her in my dream that I was afraid that was a dream and I didn't want to wake up. . .I was scared of waking up.  Shortly after saying that I woke up, and once again. . .she's gone.  I really don't mind dreaming about her, I actually like it because I get to see her and talk to her again.  It feels like its really her. . .it always does.  I miss her so much and not a day goes by that I don't think about her, but when she's in my dreams. . .its like she's there and just for a moment I get to forget about the pain and thank god that I get to spend one more moment with her. 

Venting/Ranting

Sometimes I wonder why I don't just give up.  Perhaps I already have.  My apathy is overwhelming. . .its getting to the point where almost NOTHING matters to me anymore.  The stuff thats left. . .its slipping through my fingers.  I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a sky scraper. . .immobile as the whole thing crashes above my head and drags me down.  When will it stop?  When will these challenges stop being thrown at me?  Why can't I just have it easy for a little while?  Haven't I lost enough?  Haven't I suffered enough?  Sometimes I feel so fragile. . .I think the wind will just tear me apart and blow me away.  There would be nothing left.  Maybe there already isn't anything left.  Am I just a hollow shell going through the motions?  Is there anything left inside of me?  Maybe I'm dried up. . .maybe I cried my heart and soul away and now there is nothing left of me.  If this is karma, what did I do?  All my life all I have wanted to do is help people. . .maybe I have no worth.  Maybe I'm nothing.  Maybe I was an accident of creation and my existence is meaningless.  I don't mean to be so emo. . .I'm really not.  I'm normally a very upbeat, optimistic person for those who know me.  Its just getting to be too much.  I've lost soo many people to death.  I've lost soo many people just from losing them.  I think I may have lost myself in the mix.  Maybe this is death. . .it just takes a while for the body to follow the soul.  Can you cry yourself to death?  Can emotional pain kill you?  Can nightmares kill you?  I don't mean to be so morbid and so depressing. . .I don't really cry anymore. . .I hurt but I brush it off and hold it in.  Thats what I mean by apathy.  Instead of crying. . .I just don't care, but I don't feel better so I'm not really happy. . .too much on my mind.  To much falling apart and going to hell around me.  I need to excape.  I need to move. . .to breath, but I can't.  I'm trapped in this mortal hell.  Trapped in this world, this town, this house, this body. . .trapped in my own freaking mind.  Things. . .thoughts. . .words longing to escape but can't find the exit.  There is nothing lighting the way out.  So I sit here pondering my pain, unable to fix it. . .apologizing for my negativity as I vent in my blog.  Maybe I should just forfeit and wave my white flag.  Surrender myself to this fate instead of attempt to fight it.  Maybe slipping into the quick sand isn't so bad.  Maybe its painless.  Fighting it is exausting. . .whats the point?  I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. . .I don't so an end to this war let alone this battle.  I see nothing ahead.  Just painful pictures of my past that won't disappear.  Thats all I see. 

Panic Attacks

I've been having a lot of panic attacks lately.  I've had them for years, but they're pretty rare.  I usually have them at night after a nightmare, but not that often.  I used to have them like once a month but lately they have been less and less until recently.  Recently I've had them a lot more and they've been a lot worse and I feel different when I have them.   I had one the other day when I was with Ryan.  I started feeling really weird and panicky when we were shopping and it got worse when we went to the car wash and were driving home.  I don't know what happened or why I felt that way.  Ryan is a really REALLY really safe driver so I know it wasn't that. . .I just felt really weird.  I felt so anxious and my heart started to race, and I started to get all hot, and I just didn't feel right at all.  Then I had one the next morning when I was having my breakfast. . .there was nothing out of the ordinary to bring it on. . .I just had one.  I don't really like talking about my panic attacks. . .like what I think about, how I calm myself down, possible ways of fixing them.  I don't care if people know that I have them, but I don't want people to see me have one. . .and I don't want to talk about it.  I'm kind of embarrassed by them, and I'm not sure why.  I don't know why I feel this way about them. . .I can tell you about them on here, and tell you I had one. . .but I get upset when people try to suggest ways of fixing them. . .I'm not sure why.  I'm really scared of having another one at school, its happened a few times before, but I hate it when other people see me have them.