Letter to Cassie

Dear Cassie,
I'm writing this directly to you and also allowing whoever else to read it because there are a few things in this letter that other people need to see as well.  I am honestly sorry if I upset you by not venting all of my problems to you and letting you be the shoulder I cried on, but I have my own reasons for not doing so that have nothing to do with you.  I don't like telling other people my problems.  I handle them myself unless I can't.  If I need help, I have no problem asking for it, but I don't like to weigh other people down with my problems.  I like keeping the mood light.  I am more of a listener, I will always be there for someone else no matter what the problem is and who the person is.  Its just me.  I like to help people and I feel I am do people a favor by not whining, complaining, and venting to them.  I vent on my blog.  With writing.  Sometimes I'm not direct about what I'm venting about, but its personal to me and it makes me feel better. . .everyone is different.  I totally agree we have grown apart this year.  We really haven't been friends much at all this year.  Thats okay, it happens.  I can't tell you how many friends I've grown apart from just in the 4 years of high school, its life. . .it happens.  If it happens with us, well it pretty much already has, its okay.  Am I sorry it happened?? Yes of course.  Cassie I love you to death even when we are fighting, even when you're being a total bitch. . .unconditional love babe.  I don't think there is much you could do for me not to love you to death.  We have been very close friends, and you've been one of my bestfriends for years now.  I have told you everything and that never stopped. . .we just stopped having opportunities for me to tell you everything.  I've always been there for you, and even if we aren't friends and you need someone I will still be there for you in the future. . .just the way I am.  You have always been there for me too when I needed you and I am very greatful.  Sorry I made you uncomfy around me because I wasn't being open with you or whatever. . .yes our friendship changed and we grew apart.  I'm sorry.  And I'm sorry if I upset you.  Regardless, you hurt me very deeply.  You said things that you know nothing about and couldn't know anything about without me telling you and explaining. . .even then you might not unless you experience them.  You implied things that hurt my feelings and if you believe they are true then I don't honestly believe you were ever my friend because if you were you would know better.  You should know me better than just about anyone else even if I haven't been completely open with you for the last few months.  I honestly think part of it was that you've been upset with me for a while now and were looking for an opportunity to express that and hurt my feelings.  Its a human thing to want to hurt someone that upset you and I think you used that as your opportunity.  I'm sorry if you feel that my hurt feelings were blown out of proportion. . .didn't realize that feeling that way as a response was wrong. . .but whatever.  You know what I think, You know how I feel.  I wish you the best of luck.  Sorry it all happened this way but I'm graduating soon so you won't have to worry about it.  I know you already "Don't care"  just like you don't care about just about everything, but I care.  So I said what I had to say. 

Sincerely,
Jocie

If Nothing Else. . .Always Be True To Yourself

If you looked at yourself right now, what would you see?  Look passed the make up, the hairspray, the fake smiles or frowns.  Look past your skin, your lips, your clothes.  Look deep into your own eyes.  What do you see?  Look into your eyes all the way into your heart, your mind. . .your soul.  Look into who you are. . .what you are.  What do you see?  Is the person on the inside, the same as the outside?  Is that a good thing?  Or are you pretending to be someone your not?  and is that a good thing?  Are you happy with what you see?  Happy with how you act?  Happy with your friends, your family?  How you treat your friends in family?  What you do in your spare time??  Are you happy on the inside as well as the outside?  Go ahead, take a look in the mirror.  Or are you afraid?  Do you already know that you won't be happy with what you see?  Or are you scared of what you might see?  Sometimes I have to do this. . .just take a step back and look at myself.  Listen to my own thoughts.  Reason with my emotions.  Sometimes I'm not happy with myself inside and out. . .but other times I am even if other people aren't happy with me.  Sometimes I have to ask myself, how do I really feel about something because I get irrational.  Is that a bad thing?  My grandmother told me, while she was in the hospital and we weren't sure if she was going to make it or not, to always be true to yourself. . .that if nothing else to always be true to yourself.  The next day I broke up with Tim because of how he was acting and playing games.  If you're always true to yourself, if you're always acting as yourself, and if you're always happy with yourself inside and out. . .I think you will be a happy person.  Am I wrong?  Right now I'm pretty happy with myself.  I'm far from perfect and I'm positive there are 100 things I could improve on. . .but I'm happy.  What about you?  Are you happy?

Horrible Freaking Day

Today has just been awful.  To start, I had a confrontation with some friends because they feel the need to give their input about my life and decisions when they don't even know the situation.  Then I come home and my mom tells me we have to get rid of our cats because she has had Pneumonia for like 2 months and can't get rid of it because of the cats.  So I'm mad, and sad, and heartbroken. . .so I go over to Ryan's house and he always makes me feel 100x better, and he did, but then my boss calls me and says she's too busy to take all of this on by herself and needs me to come over.  So I had to leave Ryan, which made me sad and go to work.  It takes me about 25 minutes to get from Little Falls to where I work, so by the time I get there she really isn't busy anymore.  One table is leaving and the other two are getting their food. . .so I left for pretty much nothing.  My boss felt bad though that I left for nothing and gave me $10.  She does take care of me and she has good intentions but ughhh.  She apologized but then said "you should really try to stay near by around dinner time"  ughh.  So she doesn't want me to go anywhere EVER just in case she needs me to come in.  Sorry, I have a life.  Not a huge one, but a life none the less.  It bothered me that she said that.  I love Sace with all my heart and I love my job, but UGHHH.  Then I go home.  Yes home and my mother tells me to sit down.  Immediately I think "great, more bad news" and I was right.  I had a CAT scan taken of my sinuses the other day because I've been having such bad headaches I can't function.  Evidently my sinuses are soooo clogged that I have to see a specialist.  They have to stick a needle up my nose and numb my sinuses so they can drain them.  Okay, first of all, I HATE doctors.  I don't mind needles and what not, but NOT UP MY NOSE!!  I got tested for swine flu with that nose swab dealy and that hurt and freaked me out enough.  I really hope they can put me to sleep or something because I WILL have a panic attack and I'm just going to freak out.  Ryan said he would go with me if he wasn't at school when I had to have all of this done.  Ughh.  It has just been a shitty day and because I'm under soo much stress a nightmare is almost guaranteed.  Hopefully tomorrow is better.  *SIGH*

Untitled :)

If you don't know anything about something, or someone. . .don't judge.  Don't make comments.  Don't give your input because you haven't the slightest clue about what is going on or anything about it.  I know what is going on.  I know what it is.  I know the difference between right is wrong.  I know myself.  I never EVER want to feel like I have to regret something that makes me happy and I feel good about.  So if you're truly my friend, don't make me feel that way.  If I'm happy, we're happy, and we're not hurting anyone (not to mention it concerns no one other than us) why is it wrong??  Why does it matter?  Maybe when you grow up a little and experience a little bit more, granted i've probably experienced more than I needed to or should have, maybe then you'll understand.  Until then, just don't cast judgement. . .because you just don't know. 

I am ME

I'm not a stereotype.  Not a generalization.  I'm not a barbie doll.  I'm me.  I have brown hair that is very red in the sun.  I get freckles in the summer time.  I look like a goblin first thing in the morning.  I cry when I'm sad.  I don't wear lipstick because it always gets on my teeth!  I love to talk, but I also love to listen.  I listen to metal, country, pop, hiphop, soundtracks, showtunes, opera, and classical.  I love scary movies, and I cry when Jack dies in Titanic.  I have asthma.  I just learned how to spell "surprise" lol.  I have nightmares about 3 times a week, but I've gotten used to them so they don't really bother me anymore.  I like to write, but I don't want to be told how to write.  I'm indecisive.  I'm eccentric.  I'm spontaneous.  I'm random.  I say what I think. . .although sometimes I probably shouldn't.  I like the dark.  I like the rain.  I love lightening.  I am a twilight fan *gasp*.  I love to read, but I hate it when they make movies of books because they're nothing but disappointing.  Monsters scare me. I hate hospitals, doctors, and medicine.  I can't be labled.  I'm not a generalization.  I am me, take me or leave me.

It Doesn't Mean I Love You

If I embellish your name in hearts, that doesn't mean I love you.
If I put a plus sign between our names, that doesn't mean I love you.
If I carve our initials in a tree within a heart, that doesn't mean I love you.
If I tell you I want to be yours, that doesn't mean I love you.
If I tell you that you take my breath away, that doesn't mean I love you.
If I call you every night, and see you every day. . .that doesn't mean I love you.
If I put your picture on my desk or on my wall, that doesn't mean I love you.
If I dream about you every night and wake up thinking about you, that doesn't mean I love you.
Even if I say I love you. . .yeah, even that doesn't mean I love you.
When I kiss you, in a way that can't be described with words and then I sit there with my eyes still closed just holding you. . .
When I look into your eyes, not saying anything for a long time, just looking deeply. . .
When I fall asleep in your arms, or when you fall asleep in mine. . .
When I don't even have to say it and you just know. . .
When I trust you enough to tell you everything, even things that make me cry just to think about them. . .
When I listen to every story you have to tell, even if I think they're stupid and smile and laugh on queue. . .
When I let you cry on my shoulder. . .
When I trust you enough to cry on your shoulder. . .
When we have formed into each others lives that its just natural. . .
When the butterflies go away for good, and the feeling is replaced by a constant warm glow within. . .
When you know all of these things and feel all of these things without me having to say a word. . .That means I love you.  Thats when I do.  And thats when you'll know.  I won't have to say it.  You'll just know.

Ughh Cops

I'm still a little upset.  Ryan and I went out again tonight.  We always have a great time and he is a wonderful gentleman and he makes me so happy.  We went out to dinner and then we were sitting at the riverfront in his car.  Yes we were in the backseat, but NO! we were not doing anything.  We like to sit in the backseat and kiss and be close to eachother and that is honestly and sincerely the extent of it.  Well we were sitting back there and I was leaning on him while he was kissing me and all of a sudden 2 cop cars show up.  No the cops were not called on us.  An older gentleman comes to the window and asks us to open the car door so he can talk to us.  He asks if we saw anyone here with a small child because they received a strange complaint, and we said we hadn't.  He said okay and walked around the river with the other, much younger, cop.  When they came back around the younger cop shines his freaking flash light at us.  By this time we were both sitting up and just talking.  He shines the light in and talks to us through the window.  He says he can only assume what is going on here and asks if he plans to get in the driver seat and get going, and Ryan says yes.  Then the cop asks if we had anything in the car that the other cops dog might smell (what dog? there was no dog in the car) and Ryan says no.  And then the cops says okay, get out of here. . .wtf.  We weren't doing ANYTHING.  He was rude and his behavior was completely uncalled for.  Telling us to get out of there and saying he can only assume what is going on. . .he can't assume.  We've only been out a few times and aren't anywhere near doing anything like that.  It really pissed me off what he said, his tone, and how rude he was to us.  We did nothing wrong.  It upset me for the remainder of the night and I'm still a little ticked.  Ughhhh Cops. 

My New Kitten :)

This is my new kitten, we got her on Wednesday and we love her very much. . .but we haven't named her yet. . .and no I do not want to name her patches just because she's calico.  Any ideas??

Are You Prince Charming?

So every since my "Knight in Shining Armor" walked into the sunset with his old cow in the place of a horse I've been in search of my Prince Charming :) Well I've been out with 3 possible men who have proved to be frogs even after I kissed them, that my have changed. . .last night I met this guy. . .a real gentleman.  He more than swept me off my feet within a few moments and left me floating on cloud nine for the remainder of the evening.  We went out again today and once again he took my breath away and left me speechless.  You know that forward that all of us girls get saying "wait for the guy that calls you beautiful instead of hot" and all that bs. . .he's kinda like that.  He must have told me I was beautiful at least a hundred times since we met last night.  He makes me smile, and I feel so at ease with him.  Conversation comes easy and we have a lot in common.  Our birthdays are on the same day and we might even be going to the same college in the fall.  Is he the Prince Charming I've been waiting for to ride off into the sunset with???  I guess we will just have to wait and find out.  Until then. . .I'm smiling :)

Pictures of Me

As I have said before, when I get bored ^ this is what I do lol.  I am extremely vain at times and I love taking my picture :) so here, this is what I did I think it was last week, perhaps the week before when I was getting ready for a date.