My Ex

So Chris. . .as in my ex. . .so much I want to say, but. . .lack of words.  As of right now he is not speaking to me.  Why?  I haven't the slightest clue.  All I know is he's upset that I'm engaged and he stopped talking to me after he found out.  He tried telling my bestfriend that I cheated on him. . .never happened.  He tried saying that the only reason I'm engaged to Timothy is because he wouldn't take me back. . .not true.  I will admit I have loved Chris since the day we met, I will always love Chris, why?  I have no freaking clue.  I just know I always will.  I never told Chris I wanted to get back with him.  Sure, the thought crossed my mind while Tim and I were having problems, but I never said it out loud and I was never going to actually get back together or ask him to get back together with me because I know we just don't work anymore.  We can't be together for whatever reason, so I wasn't going to try.  I never told him that though.  I understand that for a while was back and forth with what I was going to do with Tim, yes I was confused.  When he came home, that night we sat up in bed at like 3:30 in the morning talking about us.  Before I said anything, he asked me what I thought about him getting out of the military.  We talked about it.  He wants to get out of the military for me and his family.  While he held me, I realized how much he loved me.  He didn't have to say it, I could feel it, I could see it in his eyes and feel it when he held me and kissed me.  I was amazing that anyone could love me like that and I felt like the luckiest girl on the planet.  I got engaged to him because I love him and because he is probably one of the most amazing people I have ever met and I just so happen to be the lucky girl he fell for.  He said he wanted to get out of the military, not only for me, but still I was part of the reason.  Thats when I realized well if he's willing to do that for me, I can wait for him.  Thats exactly what I'm doing.  Waiting.  I didn't get engaged because I couldn't have someone else, thats stupid.  I know I was unsure before, but I know more than anything that he is everything I want and I will wait the rest of my life if I have to just for him.  I'm not perfect, I make mistakes, but he knows about everything.  I told him what was going on with me and we talked about it. 
Chris, I dont know why you're mad at me. . .I did nothing to you.  I don't know why you're telling people I cheated on you, I loved you soo much when we were together I never would have cheated on you, I never had time, we were together almost constantly.  Stop being immature. 
The thing that hurt me. . .I realized the other day that I was no longer friends on facebook with his stepmom, dad, or brother. . .did Chris say something to them for them to not like me?  Did they just not want to be in the middle of this?  That hurt me because I loved his family soo much. . .I dont know what happened.  :(

Timothy

Well my lovely Timmer went to this church event thing today and was able to have his phone all day :D So I got to talk to him a bunch.  We discussed a lot of things and I am really happy that we're on the same page.  We are going through the same thing and thinking about the same things, and it kinda makes me feel better knowing that.  I can't really go into too much detail at the moment because I'm not sure what I'm allowed to say so I don't get him in trouble.  But we're trying to fix the problem at hand.  I always feel so much better after talking to him, I fell reassured that its going to be okay and how much he means to me.  I love this boy and I seriously have since the first time we met.  I don't know if he realizes how much he means to me just like I might not realize how much I mean to him. . .but I know what we have is special.  He makes me care about things and people. . .when I normally wouldn't and would just give up.  He makes me want to live.  He's probably the one thing that keeps me going when I don't want to or don't think I can.  So whats wrong with that?  If I'm happy and safe.  Thats right. . .nothing.  I know myself better than anyone else and I know when something is good for me.  Timothy Evan Manchester Jr. is very good for me :D

I miss him

I get depressed a lot. . .and really easily.  I hate that he is so far away.  I hate not being able to talk to him or even touch him.  It makes me sad.  I know he is worth and and when this is all done its going to be amazing, but for the time being it sucks so badly.  He broke his nose :( I'm sad because I can't be there to kiss him and make it feel better.  I'm sad because he's not here to make me feel better.  I'm getting more and more disinterested in planning a wedding because I haven't the slightest clue when we're going to be able to have it.  I mean, I want to marry him, and I love him to death. . .but I'm depressed.  As time goes by I seem to be getting more and more apathedic about everything.  I just don't care anymore.  I just want to give up.  Nothing seems worth it anymore. . .I don't feel strongly about anything anymore.  Somewhere along the lines I've lost myself, and its NOT because of Tim.  This has been happening for a long time and now its just getting worse. . .Maybe I will just evaporate into nothing. . .

Christmas

Well christmas was both a good and bad holiday for me.  I'm not much of a christmas person to begin with, but its okay.  This christmas I got a Garmin GPS, a new cd/radio player thinger for my car, crocs with fur, and the entire first season of the Golden girls.  I got other stuff too but thats the major stuff :D Well later that afternoon I decided to go visit my friend Martin because he is in the Navy, stationed near by, and his family is in Michigan.  He had no one to spend christmas with and I dont like it when people spend holidays alone so I went and spent a little time with him and brought him some cookies I had made.  I was only gone for like 2 hours and my mom freaked out because I hadn't called home to find out what time dinner was going to be. . .yes i understand its christmas, but really?  we weren't doing anything special and to me. . .this was very important.  I'm supposed to be considerate of everyone all the time. . .how about someone be considerate of me once in a while when there is something this significant and important to me. . .she couldn't have asked me to be home at a certain time?  I don't know. . .caused a bunch of drama but I don't regret what I did.  I was trying to do something nice and be there for someone else.  Oh well.  So that night I spent with Tim and we had a nice night :D

Kitten

Well it took us forever but we did officially name the kitten.  He shall hence forth be known as. . .JASPER!!! he is a sweet, but hyper little guy.  He has a lot of personality and I love him to death.  I guess while I was gone he was sleeping in my bed (achoo) lol.  I hold him like a baby a lot and rub his little tummy, sometimes he purrs, other times he scratches me.  I have scrapes all over my arms from mister jasper :-\ while tim and chris (not my ex that is an asshole) they fell in love with Jasper.  Tim and the kitten got along very well.  Jasper would follow tim around the house, it was very cute.  Chris took a picture of my kitten with his phone to take it with him lol.

So much!

Well I haven't had time to really write in quite a while and soo much has happened, I don't even know where to start. Well Tim came home December 18th and as soon as I was in his arms again I knew there was no way I could ever leave him. I told him how I had been feeling and thinking about leaving him and he told me some things I don't believe I'm at liberty to post on here, but he helped me to make my decision to stay with him and get through all of this because I love him soo much. He was. . .er is willing to make a lot of sacrifices for me because of how much he loves me so I am willing to wait for him and make these sacrifices for him because of how much he means to me. Most of you all ready know, but for those of you that don't. . .as of December 27th I am no longer Timmer's girlfriend, I am now his fiance :D

This isn't the best picture of the ring but you get the idea and I will upload more in the future.  We were in a rush to go somewhere, I don't remember where we were going anymore, but I know we were running late.  He is late for everything!  I was trying to push him out the door more or less, so he got down to tie his shoe (on one knee) and I was telling him to hurry up.  He then lifted the ring box and asked me to marry him, and I of course said yes.  We aren't sure on a date yet, but we're thinking October.  Its hard because we don't know when he's going to get leave and for how long.  I stayed at his house almost the entire time he was home, mainly because of some drama at my house, and I had an amazing time with him.  I loved every minute of it.  He makes me happy.  He is very good to me, and I always feel comfortable and safe with him.  So yes, we're getting married and I will, in fact, be changing my name again.  I promise to update you all on all wedding plans and what not as they get done.  So far we have decided that the wedding colors are going to be pale blue and pale green.  Since I am unable to wear a white dress (hehe) I am going to wear a pale blue dress with a green bouquet.  My bridesmaids are going to wear pale green dresses, the groomsmen are wearing black tuxes with pale green vests and ties, and yes. . .we are all wearing crocs ;) My amazing friend Gabby Tripsas has been helping me out everyday with the planning and I love her to death for it.  All my girlfriends have been helping out a lot so far, thanks guys ♥

It's a Boy!!!

Okay, so my siblings and I got an early christmas present, and it was of this precious little kitten.  It's a boy, and we haven't named him yet.  we are waiting about a week to name him, but I would love it if you guys would leave comments and offer suggestions.  He was born oct 28th, and he has green eyes.  the pictures make him look evil but he is such a lover! I think the pictures also make him look a bit bigger, he's actually really really small :D so what do you think??

If I. . .

If I could stand upon a cloud,
and dance with the moon
would the stars watch in awe
and hum a simple tune?

If I could paint the sky with love
and the water with passion,
would we fly or would we swim
in a romantic sort of fashion?

If the world ended now
and I was left alone,
would the moon still dance with me
or would I be on my own?

Untitled

A book
a poem
a line
a word!
thats all I need
I start with a smile
the moon and stars
a crying child
or a dying tree
thats all I need
but I do not have the words
there are no stars in my sky.
In this moment. . .
I feel. . .everything
but at the same time. . .nothing
how do you start with you have no words, no images
and every emotion in the world?
How do I start something that hs so long ago stopped?
I need a word, a smile, a sky, a tree.
I am just the crying child
perhaps. . .
there is no start for me.

Just some poems I like

Alone

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life- was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.
~Edgar Allen Poe

What If I Say I Shall Not Wait

WHAT if I say I shall not wait?
What if I burst the fleshly gate
And pass, escaped, to thee?
What if I file this mortal off,
See where it hurt me,—that ’s enough,
And wade in liberty?
They cannot take us any more,—
Dungeons may call, and guns implore;
Unmeaning now, to me,
As laughter was an hour ago,
Or laces, or a travelling show,
Or who died yesterday!
~Emily Dickinson


Love Should Grow Up Like A Wild Iris In the Fields

Love should grow up like a wild iris in the fields,
unexpected, after a terrible storm, opening a purple
mouth to the rain, with not a thought to the future,
ignorant of the grass and the graveyard of leaves
around, forgetting its own beginning.
Love should grow like a wild iris
but does not.

Love more often is to be found in kitchens at the dinner hour,
tired out and hungry, lingers over tables in houses where
the walls record movements, while the cook is probably angry,
and the ingredients of the meal are budgeted, while
a child cries feed me now and her mother not quite
hysterical says over and over, wait just a bit, just a bit,
love should grow up in the fields like a wild iris
but never does
really startle anyone, was to be expected, was to be
predicted, is almost absurd, goes on from day to day, not quite
blindly, gets taken to the cleaners every fall, sings old
songs over and over, and falls on the same piece of rug that
never gets tacked down, gives up, wants to hide, is not
brave, knows too much, is not like an
iris growing wild but more like
staring into space
in the street
not quite sure
which door it was, annoyed about the sidewalk being
slippery, trying all the doors, thinking
if love wished the world to be well, it would be well.

Love should
grow up like a wild iris, but doesn't, it comes from
the midst of everything else, sees like the iris
of an eye, when the light is right,
feels in blindness and when there is nothing else is
tender, blinks, and opens
face up to the skies.

~ Susan Griffin ~


A Dream

In visions of the dark night
I have dreamed of joy departed-
But a waking dream of life and light
Hath left me broken-hearted.

Ah! what is not a dream by day
To him whose eyes are cast
On things around him with a ray
Turned back upon the past?

That holy dream- that holy dream,
While all the world were chiding,
Hath cheered me as a lovely beam
A lonely spirit guiding.

What though that light, thro' storm and night,
So trembled from afar-
What could there be more purely bright
In Truth's day-star?
~Edgar Allen Poe