Christmas

Well christmas was both a good and bad holiday for me.  I'm not much of a christmas person to begin with, but its okay.  This christmas I got a Garmin GPS, a new cd/radio player thinger for my car, crocs with fur, and the entire first season of the Golden girls.  I got other stuff too but thats the major stuff :D Well later that afternoon I decided to go visit my friend Martin because he is in the Navy, stationed near by, and his family is in Michigan.  He had no one to spend christmas with and I dont like it when people spend holidays alone so I went and spent a little time with him and brought him some cookies I had made.  I was only gone for like 2 hours and my mom freaked out because I hadn't called home to find out what time dinner was going to be. . .yes i understand its christmas, but really?  we weren't doing anything special and to me. . .this was very important.  I'm supposed to be considerate of everyone all the time. . .how about someone be considerate of me once in a while when there is something this significant and important to me. . .she couldn't have asked me to be home at a certain time?  I don't know. . .caused a bunch of drama but I don't regret what I did.  I was trying to do something nice and be there for someone else.  Oh well.  So that night I spent with Tim and we had a nice night :D

Kitten

Well it took us forever but we did officially name the kitten.  He shall hence forth be known as. . .JASPER!!! he is a sweet, but hyper little guy.  He has a lot of personality and I love him to death.  I guess while I was gone he was sleeping in my bed (achoo) lol.  I hold him like a baby a lot and rub his little tummy, sometimes he purrs, other times he scratches me.  I have scrapes all over my arms from mister jasper :-\ while tim and chris (not my ex that is an asshole) they fell in love with Jasper.  Tim and the kitten got along very well.  Jasper would follow tim around the house, it was very cute.  Chris took a picture of my kitten with his phone to take it with him lol.

So much!

Well I haven't had time to really write in quite a while and soo much has happened, I don't even know where to start. Well Tim came home December 18th and as soon as I was in his arms again I knew there was no way I could ever leave him. I told him how I had been feeling and thinking about leaving him and he told me some things I don't believe I'm at liberty to post on here, but he helped me to make my decision to stay with him and get through all of this because I love him soo much. He was. . .er is willing to make a lot of sacrifices for me because of how much he loves me so I am willing to wait for him and make these sacrifices for him because of how much he means to me. Most of you all ready know, but for those of you that don't. . .as of December 27th I am no longer Timmer's girlfriend, I am now his fiance :D

This isn't the best picture of the ring but you get the idea and I will upload more in the future.  We were in a rush to go somewhere, I don't remember where we were going anymore, but I know we were running late.  He is late for everything!  I was trying to push him out the door more or less, so he got down to tie his shoe (on one knee) and I was telling him to hurry up.  He then lifted the ring box and asked me to marry him, and I of course said yes.  We aren't sure on a date yet, but we're thinking October.  Its hard because we don't know when he's going to get leave and for how long.  I stayed at his house almost the entire time he was home, mainly because of some drama at my house, and I had an amazing time with him.  I loved every minute of it.  He makes me happy.  He is very good to me, and I always feel comfortable and safe with him.  So yes, we're getting married and I will, in fact, be changing my name again.  I promise to update you all on all wedding plans and what not as they get done.  So far we have decided that the wedding colors are going to be pale blue and pale green.  Since I am unable to wear a white dress (hehe) I am going to wear a pale blue dress with a green bouquet.  My bridesmaids are going to wear pale green dresses, the groomsmen are wearing black tuxes with pale green vests and ties, and yes. . .we are all wearing crocs ;) My amazing friend Gabby Tripsas has been helping me out everyday with the planning and I love her to death for it.  All my girlfriends have been helping out a lot so far, thanks guys ♥

It's a Boy!!!

Okay, so my siblings and I got an early christmas present, and it was of this precious little kitten.  It's a boy, and we haven't named him yet.  we are waiting about a week to name him, but I would love it if you guys would leave comments and offer suggestions.  He was born oct 28th, and he has green eyes.  the pictures make him look evil but he is such a lover! I think the pictures also make him look a bit bigger, he's actually really really small :D so what do you think??

If I. . .

If I could stand upon a cloud,
and dance with the moon
would the stars watch in awe
and hum a simple tune?

If I could paint the sky with love
and the water with passion,
would we fly or would we swim
in a romantic sort of fashion?

If the world ended now
and I was left alone,
would the moon still dance with me
or would I be on my own?

Untitled

A book
a poem
a line
a word!
thats all I need
I start with a smile
the moon and stars
a crying child
or a dying tree
thats all I need
but I do not have the words
there are no stars in my sky.
In this moment. . .
I feel. . .everything
but at the same time. . .nothing
how do you start with you have no words, no images
and every emotion in the world?
How do I start something that hs so long ago stopped?
I need a word, a smile, a sky, a tree.
I am just the crying child
perhaps. . .
there is no start for me.

Just some poems I like

Alone

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life- was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.
~Edgar Allen Poe

What If I Say I Shall Not Wait

WHAT if I say I shall not wait?
What if I burst the fleshly gate
And pass, escaped, to thee?
What if I file this mortal off,
See where it hurt me,—that ’s enough,
And wade in liberty?
They cannot take us any more,—
Dungeons may call, and guns implore;
Unmeaning now, to me,
As laughter was an hour ago,
Or laces, or a travelling show,
Or who died yesterday!
~Emily Dickinson


Love Should Grow Up Like A Wild Iris In the Fields

Love should grow up like a wild iris in the fields,
unexpected, after a terrible storm, opening a purple
mouth to the rain, with not a thought to the future,
ignorant of the grass and the graveyard of leaves
around, forgetting its own beginning.
Love should grow like a wild iris
but does not.

Love more often is to be found in kitchens at the dinner hour,
tired out and hungry, lingers over tables in houses where
the walls record movements, while the cook is probably angry,
and the ingredients of the meal are budgeted, while
a child cries feed me now and her mother not quite
hysterical says over and over, wait just a bit, just a bit,
love should grow up in the fields like a wild iris
but never does
really startle anyone, was to be expected, was to be
predicted, is almost absurd, goes on from day to day, not quite
blindly, gets taken to the cleaners every fall, sings old
songs over and over, and falls on the same piece of rug that
never gets tacked down, gives up, wants to hide, is not
brave, knows too much, is not like an
iris growing wild but more like
staring into space
in the street
not quite sure
which door it was, annoyed about the sidewalk being
slippery, trying all the doors, thinking
if love wished the world to be well, it would be well.

Love should
grow up like a wild iris, but doesn't, it comes from
the midst of everything else, sees like the iris
of an eye, when the light is right,
feels in blindness and when there is nothing else is
tender, blinks, and opens
face up to the skies.

~ Susan Griffin ~


A Dream

In visions of the dark night
I have dreamed of joy departed-
But a waking dream of life and light
Hath left me broken-hearted.

Ah! what is not a dream by day
To him whose eyes are cast
On things around him with a ray
Turned back upon the past?

That holy dream- that holy dream,
While all the world were chiding,
Hath cheered me as a lovely beam
A lonely spirit guiding.

What though that light, thro' storm and night,
So trembled from afar-
What could there be more purely bright
In Truth's day-star?
~Edgar Allen Poe

Dear Knight in Shining Armor,

Dear Knight In Shining Armor,
Why do you make me wait?  Why am I sitting here, and you there?  I need you next to me, beside me, part of me.  I need to feel your warmth, your body, your heartbeat.  I need to know that you love me and that I don't wait in vain.  Please don't make me wait anymore, close the distance between us.  Kiss my lips, let me taste you, your love, your lust, your passion.  Let me lay in your arms as well as your heart.  Let me feel your finger tips pressing on my body.  I want to trace lines over your entire body.  I want to watch you while you sleep.  Please don't make me wait any longer dreaming, fantasizing.  Make my dreams a reality.  Let me be everything you've ever wanted and more, and make you the happiest Knight of all.  Let me do that. . .that is all I ask.  I love you dear Knight, as I always have. 

I Can No Longer Write

I can no longer write
about the sun in the sky
the moon and the stars
the water in your eye.
There is no more darkness
and yet no more light
not in my head or on paper
I can no longer write.
No emotion or feeling
no pain nor love
no words come from my mouth
no sounds from up above.
It no longer comes to my hands
mouth, eyes, or ears
it doesn't come to me anymore
like in previous years.
Perhaps it is me
or maybe it was you
but I cannot write beautiful things
that come out of the blue. 
Instead my hands and mind argue
how they yell and they fight
about the nothingness that comes
I can no longer write.

Rain

When it pours all over the world,
I'm there to catch the drops.
I rock away the thunderous cries
and the fits of lightening.
I rub until the clouds disappear
until it is once again silent.

But when my rain clouds burst,
the world runs away.
I'm left alone to my shaking thunder
while my clouds hang low.
Then hold myself until I drift away,
another storm for the world tomorrow holds.