My Major

Well in the past few weeks I've been thinking constantly and stressing myself out terribly about my major for college.  I've known since I was in the 7th grade that I wanted to be a psychologist.  I want to help people, thats all I want to do and all I've ever wanted to do.  I want to impact someones life, and teach someone something of importance.  I want to be there for people like me, because I think I have a lot to offer and a lot to teach about life and challenges we are faced with.  Recently however, I've been thinking that being a psychologist isn't the way to go to do all of this because I mainly want to help people my age right now and adolescence don't like the thought of going to a shrink.  They think that you have to be nuts if you go to see a psychologist and they aren't as likely to open up to someone that they don't really know.  So instead of being a psychologist I've been thinking about being a teacher because I could form a better relationship with my students so that they feel comfortable coming to me with their problems and I can still go about helping, teaching, and impacting their lives in the way that I want.  I feel very close to a lot of my teachers and I know that I can go to a lot of them with any problems that I have and I am very comfortable with that, and I know my friends feel the same way.  In the beginning of the school year, my current english teacher that is filling in for my real english teacher gave us an assignment about her philosophy on teaching and it had an impact on me and I really liked it, and so far this year she has taught and had such an attitude that makes me want to be a teacher like her.  This truely stresses me out however because I hate not being sure about what I want to do, I'm a very driven individual and I just feel awful not knowing what I really want to do.  I DO NOT want to get to college without having a clear idea of what I want to major in and I'm scared to death of changing my major, I'm not sure why its such a big deal to me, but I really just don't want to do it.  I want to go in knowing exactly what I want and what I want to do and succeed in it and love it.  I don't want to change my mind 5 times and not know what I want to do.  So this is the dilema I'm faced with right now and I've been talking to a lot of my teachers about it, so we'll see. . .I'll keep you updated. 

I Shall Hence Forth Be Known As. . .

Jocelyn Marisa Oeser :D, well I finally got adopted.  The process that has taken so much time and stress is finally over.  I am officially an Oeser and now I get to party :D The only bad part now is changing my name EVERYWHERE and getting used to it. When the judge said that it was over I almost cried, but then he gave me cookies so I didn't.  The cookies were very good by the way, I think that usually younger kids get adopted so he always gives them cookies, but he gave me some too, it made me laugh.  My signature looks horrible and I'm not used to calling Gary dad yet, but oh well, I will get used to it sooner or later.  What will happen is I will finally get used to it and then I will get married.  Oh well, thats just my luck.  :D

My Nightmare

So, those of you who know me know that I have nightmares like several times a week.  Well the other night I had another one of those nightmare.  I dreamed that my friend Laura moved into my cousins house (the one that passed away) and I went over to visit her.  We were up in what used to be my cousins room, a room that she and I have a lot of memories in and all the furniture was pretty much the same and it all just looked like. . .her room.  Then Laura asked me if I was okay being in that room, or if it bothered me, and as soon as she asked that question I couldn't speak and there was a very sharp pain in my neck and chest.  Thats all I remember.  Its just so frustrating having these nightmares all the time because memories just being brought back and pain keeps coming to the surface.  Thats all I really have to say, I just thought I would share that with you.  

My Plants :D

Aren't they beautiful!!!

"Rumors"

Well this years fall show is called "Rumors" and let me just say it is HILIARIOUS!!!! We had a read through yesterday and it was just amazing. Its nice to have a small cast for this one. All the characters are paired off and we each of such diverse and strong characters. The play is about this guy Charlie who is throwing an anniversary party with his wife. Charlie and his wife Myra are both very wealthy and well known people in the community. Their guests at the party are also very wealthy and are all very stereotypical rich people. Well when the first couple arrives at the party Myra and the help are missing and Charlie is hopped up on Valium and find him bleeding because he was shot in the ear. They suspect that he tried to kill himself so they try to keep in on the DL so they don't ruin his reputation with an attempted suicide. So as more guests arrive they tell lies to protect Charlie, but everyone suspects something is going on so rumors begin to get spread, hence the title. Welle eventually all the guests find out that Myra is missing and the help are gone. They also find out that Charlie may have tried to kill himself. Its a really funny play and all of you that are able to come see it, I believe its like the 2nd or 3rd week in November, but I'll update you when I know more. But it is soo funny and we have a great cast. So thumbs up to Ms. Ells for selecting an awesome show!!

Friends :D

I dedicate this blog to my friends. I love you guys, every one of you so much and you have all been there for me when I have needed you the most. You were there when Jessie died, and when I've gotten my heart broken. You were there when I just wanted to vent and rant. You were there through all of my rediculous stories and adventures. Most of all, you've put up with me :D. So this is to you guys.
I love my friends very much. Friends are what make life worth living. They make the bad times good and the good times better. I've made some poor choices in friendship in the past, but I am very happy with the friends I have now. I love the times we have spent together, the memories, the laughs, the tears, everything. I love the stories, the silly break ups, our mistakes, and everything we have shared these last few years. So to Cassie, Gabby, Laura, Ashley, Laura, Matt, Chris, Russ, Garrett, Kelly, Brianna, Joanna, Kris, Jon, John, Nick, Marco, Sarah, Creighton, Melissa, Breezy, Donjeta, Mary, Lexi, Jessica, CC, Ciera, Chelsea, Tina, Courtney, Justin (tiny), Albanna, Adam, David, Mark, Rocky, CJ, Josh, Aaron, Andrew, Ari, Brandon, Cyndi, James, Joe, Alex, Larry, Lance and everyone else that I can't seem to think up right now cuz I'm sick and not totally there, this is to you. I love you guys. ♥♥♥

Dreams

So I have a lot of very strange dreams and those of you who I talk to frequently or have sat at my lunch table know exactly what I am talking about. Frequently I have had a lot of nightmares, at least 1 or 2 a week. They are usually all about Chris dying in a car accident. There has only been one occasion where he has died in any other way and in that one he died because he had a seizure. My most memorable nightmare was that I was driving in a different vehical than him and we collided head on. I saw his face just before I hit him and he died on impact. In my dream I went insane because of this. . .I woke up and began crying and I almost couldn't collect myself enought to go to school. I know that I have these dreams because I lost my cousin. They may also be because when I was 10 I watched my grandfather die and when I was like 13 or 14 I watched a man die on the side of the road from a heroin over dose. I know its mainly because of my cousin because that effected me the most.

I've had dreams about my cousin too. After the accident I had frequent dreams about the accident. I saw her face and I saw her close her eyes. I saw things that I don't really want to go into detail about, but that was what I dreamed. Then after a few months went by I started just dreaming about her. Like we would talk and hang out like we would before she passed away. We would play games and giggle. . .Part of me wonders if it was really her. Like she was coming to me in my dreams to make me feel better. I would always cry when I woke up because I would miss her, but I liked the dreams that I had. I wonder if that was her way of communicating with me. I believe that spirits and ghosts are there with us. I don't know if they are always there, or if its just a part of their soul that stays behind or what, but I do believe that they are there. They are just on a different level than us and thats why we can't see them or communicate with them (most of us anyways. Mediums are on a different level too) but I think they find ways of communicating with us, like my dreams for example. I wonder if that was her. I have had dreams in the past that have come true, I've dreamed of people before meeting them and dreamed of things happening before they do. So if I can do that, why can't the dead come to me in my dreams. I believe that dreams are more than just our subconscious. Maybe when we dream we travel to a different world or a different dimension. Dreaming to me is very intersting. We close our eyes and drift away to a place where anything can be real. . .it fascinates me. These are just a few more of my thoughts. . .

Choices

First I would like to say that posting on my blog has changed. . .and I'm not sure why. I'm not sure if it will look different to you but it looks different to me. The font and all that is changed and even my setup is different. . .anyways, sorry for my bout of ADD there. This blog is about choices. As I am getting older I am forced to make a lot of my own choices like not only what to wear today, but what do I want to do with the rest of my life? Who do I want to be friends with? Where do I want to go to college? Where do I want to live? Who do I want to be with? Who am I? I am faced every day with more and more choices that I have to make and a lot of them will effect the rest of my life. I'm doing the best I can to foresee the future out comes of all my decisions, but its not easy. (Especially because my frontal lobe isn't developed) I understand that with each decision comes a consequence, and those consequences can be both good and/or bad. I have made decisions which have had both types of consequences and some of the decisions I have made I am not proud of, but I don't really regret any of them because they have lead me to where I am now and I'm happy with that. Some decisions I am being faced with now are difficult for me to deal with. What if every choice I am given, no matter what I choose, hurts someone in someway. What if, even though I'm okay and I'm happy, someone else isn't. Or what if I make everyone else happy, but I'm not. What do I do there? The last thing I want to do is upset someone or hurt someone. I know what pain feels like, I've been hurt a lot in my life time and if I can save someone from feeling any sort of pain I will. I'm sorry for being so vague, I just can't really go into detail at the present time. What I'm saying though, is that no matter what, at some point we all have to make decisions that are going to hurt someone, whether it be you or someone around you. For example, when I made my decision to have Gary adopt me, my fathers parents (my grandparents) we're upset by this decision. I still feel that I made the right decision, but I did have to deal with the consequences and they weren't so nice. There was no way of avoiding that. I try to think before every decision I make, but some times, when things get to be too much, I choose to play it safe. I make decisions that just make everything easier even if they're not the best. Is that wrong? How do you know if you've made a wrong decision if someone, somewhere benefits? Have you made a wrong decision if no one benefits? Is it a right decision if everyone around you is happy when you aren't? This goes back to what is right and what is wrong. What if I feel like I am doing some thing right, and so do other people, but the people surrounding me that are most involved in my life believe its wrong. . .is it really wrong? I honestly hate it when I don't have the support from my friends and family. I've had to deal with that with my choices in religion and my beliefs, my support of gay marriage and their rights, my self expression, and the guys that I have dated. I feel very strongly about certain things such as my religion and I know that a lot of people disagree with me, but I do feel that it is the right decision. How do I know if it really is? Is believing in myself enough? I will leave it at that and let you ponder a bit. This is just something that was running through my mind today while walking through the halls of high school. This is my last year there so I have a lot of decisions facing me right now.

R.I.P Patrick Swayze

Well I just heard the devistating news that Patrick Swayze died.  For those of you who know me, the movie Too Wong Foo Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar was the MAP Party BIBLE!!   I also loved him in Ghost and Dirty Dancing.  He was beyond sexy and truly a mans man.  He died at the age of 57 of pancreatic cancer.  He was an amazing actor, singer, and a songwriter and will be missed especially by all these ladies that loved him.  This is a tribute to him. 










This is honestly the best I could get for Dirty Dancing



RIP Patrick Swayze :(

The Adoption

Well the adoption is finally coming to a close.  All we have left is the court date on Sept 28th.  This is the day that I get my last name changed and accept Gary as my father.  I am really excited but at the same time I feel a little weird.  I keep thinking about calling him "Dad." I mean, I call him dad to everyone else, like I say "my dad" or something to that extent, but when I talk to him I don't call him dad.  I know that he really is my father because he has raised me since I was 5 years old and he has been there when my real father wasn't.  I know this really shouldn't be a big deal, but it does make me feel weird.  I still don't know how I'm going to go about doing it either. . .idk. . .thinking about it makes me nervous.  Anyways I'm getting my last name changed to Oeser, which means I need a new license, SS card, birth certificate, EVERYTHING.  I think when I get my new license I am going to get the "enhanced" license lol.  Then we are going to have a BIG party with beer pong and stump lol!! I like parties, especially big ones, they're fun.  I'm very happy about becoming an Oeser because honestly, thats the family I feel the closest to.  I see at least one of them EVERYDAY!! and I like it.  I am happy with my decision.  I will update more probably on Sept 29th lol.