Living With A Boy: And a girl?

Mood: Great, but not feeling very well 

Weather: Not sure but it looks gloomy 

I just recently got back into contact with the girl I grew up with from the time I was 2.  Cyndi moved in next door to me when I lived in amsterdam and saw that I had a swing set at my house.  Well she just came right over and started playing on my swing set and I saw her out the window so I ran to tell my mommy.  My mom then took me outside to meet the strange girl on my swing set and we've been best friends ever since.  I couldn't remember her name after that so when I wanted her to come play I would just yell friend out my window. . .:P Well I don't know how much she wants me to post publicly but she recently got out of a bad situation and is now staying with CJ and me until she finds a job and gets her own place.  Its nice having a girl around for a change, especially one that I've known for so long.  Its nice catching up :) We don't have a spare bedroom for her so she is staying on our couch, luckily we have a lot of storage space in our apartment so finding room for her stuff really isn't a problem.  

LIving with a Boy: Dinner for 7

Today is the day we've all been waiting for.  Today I am having my family and CJ's mom up for dinner. . .I'm cooking my special chicken, my parents are bringing dessert, and CJ's mom is bringing beverages.  Its the first time I'm having any of them over for dinner for my cooking.  I've cooked for my parents before, but never my own recipe :)  So I am making my special chicken, italian pasta salad, broccoli and garlic bread :) and my parents are bringing a surprise for dessert.  Finding enough seating for 7 people is hard enough but we're figuring it out.  I'll post an update after :)

4 Years. . .

Mood: Reminiscent 

Weather:  Chilly but otherwise a nice day :)

I can't believe its been 4 years.  November 6th, tomorrow, will be 4 years since the day Jessie died.  Its always been a hard day for me. . .and quite honestly probably always will be.  This day changed my life. . .and I will never be the same.  For those of you that don'e know, Jessica Canfield was my cousin.  She was almost exactly a year older than me and we were best friends.  We grew up together and November 6th, 2007 she was taken from me.  My cousin, her little sister, and Jessie's best friend all skipped school and were driving through the town of Florida. . .she over turned and then over corrected and hit a tractor trailer head on.  Her best friend broke her leg.  Her little sister, who was 11 at the time. . .was nearly cut in half by her seat belt and is now confined to a wheel chair because she is paralyzed from the waste down.  When I got that phone call that night. . .a part of me died, and an even bigger part of me died when I saw her laying in a box. . .motionless at the funeral 6 days later.  Tomorrow will be 4 years. . .4 years.  That's 1461 days.  She was like a sister to me and I miss her very much.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. . .and remember her.  I am going to the cemetery tomorrow, I go at least twice every year, on the anniversary and on her birthday.  I love you and miss you to death Jess.  I wish you were here with me. . .there is so much I want to tell you.  I want you to meet Jack, and CJ.  I want my best friend back.  RIP Jess <3 

The Journey to Me: Part II

I want to be:
the hand you grasp when no one else is there
the light in the darkness
the smile on your face
the one that lifts the weight off your shoulders
the shoulder you cry on
the person you trust
the friend you've always needed

I want to be:
Happy
Successful
Loved

Do they offer college courses for that??? 

Recently of Me :)

Halloween 2011: Part II

Mood: Well. . .ya know

Weather: Not horrible for November 

So this year on Halloween I was supposed to have class from 6-9pm.  And I had all intentions of going to said class.  I even drove all the way to college, sat at college with my friends before class. . .but no, I never made it to class.  Instead I ran down and got some candy and a pumpkin basket and drove home to spend Halloween handing out candy with my boyfriend.   So I put on a green boa and sat outside.  The first couple people that showed up nearly took all of my candy (yes I made the mistake of letting them get their own.  Rookies mistake)  but then they came back for more later!! and me. . .even though I identified that I recognized them, I still gave them a bit more. . .Mainly because I only had about 6 or 7 different groups of people come to the apartment.  Even though I live in the city I live right next to a university and all but about 3 or 4 houses on the block aren't frat houses :P So generally people don't bring their kids here.  But oh well.  That's not the worst part.  My boyfriend usually gets out of work at about 6 and gets home around 6:30.  Well I got home about 5:30 and immediately went outside to hand out candy. By 7:30 he still wasn't home.  I had planned to surprise him at home and was waiting for him. . .but he never showed up.  He doesn't have a cell phone for me to text him, but I knew that because he had expected me to be at school he went over to his bestfriend Alex's house.  So I drove over there close to 8:00 and brought them the rest of my candy.  My boyfriend and I spent the rest of the night together, even though my halloween plans didn't exactly go as planned :P

War

Mood: Thoughtful

Weather: Cold. . .It F**king snowed last night!!!

Okay think with me here:  I am a person, a human being, yes?  Are you?  I am a female, are you?  If not then you are probably a male, correct?  I have lived for 19 years, celebrated 19 birthdays.  I have a mother, a biological father, and a chosen (adopted) father.  I have an older step sister, a younger sister, and two younger brothers, though one of which I haven't seen since he was an infant (he is my biological fathers son).  I go to school.  I work.  I have a boyfriend.  I have friends.  I have hobbies.  I have emotions.  I have daily activities.  Sometimes I laugh.  Sometimes I cry.  Sometimes I fall in love.  I have pictures.  I have memories.  I have dreams.  I have values, and morals, and beliefs, and understandings, and ideals!  Do you?  We all may be different, and have different families, thoughts, feelings, reactions, ideals, morals, beliefs, etc.  But we all have families.  We all have a mother that gave birth to us, and a father that helped created us. . .even if they are no longer around or in our lives.  We have people we care about, and others that care about us.  We have memories.  We have dreams.  So what I will never understand is how one person could kill another.  I will never understand war.  How thousands of man can band together to go kill each other.  To kill another person.  Have you ever lost a person?  Do you know what it feels like to have someone ripped away from you?  I don't care who you are, those feelings are the same.  Think about if you lost your best friend?  Your brother?  Your sister?  Your wife?  Your boyfriend?  When we go to war and kill other people. . .who do you think we are taking away?  Someone's son.  Someone's friend.  Someone's lover.  Someone's parent.  Just like we are losing.  I don't know, I don't think I will ever understand the point. 

All About Love

I'm only 19, I'll be 20 in January, but in the last few years I think I've learned quite a lot about love.  Love isn't butterflies.  Love isn't sex.  Love isn't love letters and flowers.  Love isn't diamonds.  Love isn't days, weeks, months, or years.  Love isn't whispers in your ears.  Love isn't holding hands.  Love isn't beautiful.  Love isn't kind.  Love isn't indestructible.  And for goodness sakes, love isn't happily ever after.  No no, love is waking up in the morning and kissing despite the god awful morning breath.  Love is waking up with hair in disarray and make up smeared and lying to me that you still think I'm beautiful.  Love isn't compromise, its giving up because dammit you just don't want to argue about it anymore.  Love is driving each other up a wall to the point of wanting to murder each other, but going to bed in each others arms anyways.  Love is waking up and forgetting what it was you went to bed arguing about.  Love definitely hurts.  Love comes, and it goes. . .but love never dies.  Love is biting your tongue.  Love is doing it even though you don't want to.  Love is a commitment.  Love is a verb.  Love can often mean goodbye.  Love is the number one cause of tears in all 50 US states.  Love is tolerance.  Love can kill.  Love is selfless.  Love is jealousy.  Love is frustration.  Love is worry.  Love is stress.  Love is trust.  Love is sticking around, even after the fights, tears, tantrums, break downs, ups, and downs. . .because love is all we've got.  That's what I've learned about love.

Halloween 2011

Its ironic how halloween is my favorite holiday.  So many people have come and gone this time of year its a wonder how I can even be in the mindset to celebrate.  The one year anniversary of David's death was just the other day, and the four year anniversary of Jessie's death is fast approaching on the 6th.  I said goodbye to Chris, and hello to Tim this time of year as well.  I started work at Mercato's and withdrew from Oneonta. I got pneumonia and had my lung collapse two years ago about this time. . .same time I broke up with Chris and shortly after began my relationship with Tim.  Now I've just left the nursing program. . .and my way.  I've spent so many days in bed crying this time of year.  Despite it all, Halloween is my favorite type of year.  Perhaps its because a part of me is still just that morbid, or perhaps its the one day I can acceptably not be myself and escape.  Whatever the reason, halloween is on monday and dammit I still don't know what I want to be.  I suppose it doesn't really matter seeing as I have to work all weekend prior, and go to school the night of.  But I'm sure I'll dress up as something, even if I find it in my own closet.  Happy halloween, here's to hoping that this year. . .I won't be spending any more days in bed crying. . .just celebrating :)

Living With A Boy: CJ Part II

Mood: Just woke up

Weather: From what I can hear. . .rainy, probably cold too!

So CJ and I have a washer and dryer upstairs in our apartment building.  It costs a dollar a load (which people say thats cheap but I went all my life without ever having to pay for laundry so I hate this shit! lol).  CJ and I do laundry probably every week and a half, or when we realize we have no clothes :P This last time, I started the laundry and I noticed there was a new note on top of the dryer asking everyone to please check their pockets for pens and candy so it doesn't make a mess.  Well the last time we did laundry, CJ did the laundry and he left violin rosin and pens in his pockets which made the mess they were talking about.  So this time I made sure to check the pockets before I put the load in the laundry.  Well CJ finished the laundry and it turns out that one of CJ's million cargo pockets had a couple pens in them. . .These pens stained the dryer pretty bad, so when I went an dried the next load, a bunch of our clothes got ruined.  One of my favorite shirts included.  Not to mention laundry has been done for 2 days, and where do you think the majority of CJ's clothes still are?  Yup. . .still in the laundry basket on the floor.  I think we are going to do our laundry separately from now on, and our landlady called CJ and chastised him for it.  He's supposed to try to clean it, but apparently (so he says) she wasn't mad about it.  This boy is going to be the death of me lol.  Love you Sparky.