Home for the Weekend

So I went home this weekend to go to a football game and see some friends and family.  I love seeing my friends from highschool and I miss them to death.  After the football game this evening a bunch of my friends and I decided to get slushies like we used to.  As we were driving through town and I looked around I felt. . .lost.  I went home because I've been so depressed at college and I feel like I don't quite fit in yet, but when I got home. . .I felt like I didn't really belong there either anymore.  I went to the football game and was amazed at all the faces I didn't know and I only graduated a few months ago.  Last year, I knew everyone.  Then, as I was driving thought town and seeing all the different places, I started remembering things, moments, events I shared with people in these places. . .but remembered that I don't live here anymore and everything here is JUST memories.  I had a blast with my friends, it was the best night I've had probably since I left for college and I was actually sober. . .but at the same time I feel like we're all going in different directions now and we all have new lives, we're no longer like puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly.  It makes me sad because. . .I have no idea where I fit.  I don't feel like I fit in at college and know my place there, and I no longer fit in at home. . .where do I belong?  I hate feeling like this. . .I hate being so lost. . .I want to go back to being happy, and enjoying every minute of life with the people that I love most.  I know you're all probably getting sick of my melodramatic, depressing posts so I promise I'll pick up the beat soon. . .just need to vent I guess.

From Dan

This is something my friend Dan made for me, he said it "just popped" in his head so I figured I'd post in on here.  Thanks Dan.

Toy

Apparently this is me.  A toy. . .a doll.  That must be how people see me.  A doll doesn't move, doesn't feel, doesn't cry. . .doesn't live.  A doll can be played with, cherished for a few moments and then tossed away once the owner gets bored.  People must think I am a doll. . .they play with my head and my emotions and think its okay.  Do they think I won't care?  Do they think I won't feel anything?  They must think I won't be upset if I get thrown away once they've used me up.  They must think I'm only here for their enjoyment and to assist their needs.  If thats all I'm worth then why the fuck am I here?  I'm not just going to sit there and smile while I'm toyed with and then thrown away.  I won't let it happen. 

Rain

I sat outside in the rain today, and watched as the water droplets disappeared into the ground.  One second they were there, and the next they were just a dark spot.  It made me think of how when I was little, my mom told me that rain was angles crying.  I believed her.  I also believed her when she said she had eyes on the back of her head lol.  I believed everything anyone older than me told me.  Now. . .I believe the rain is cold.  I believe if I fall I'll get scraped, that if I don't eat for 24 hours I won't feel hungry anymore, that sun goes up every morning and goes down every night. . .I believe the world that I see, the world that I feel.  I felt the rain, and I saw it disappear.  Sometimes I wish I could be like rain. 

Katy Perry - Teenage Dream (you know all of the songs I put on here have a deeper meaning)

You think I'm pretty
Without any make-up on
You think I'm funny
When I tell the puch line wrong
I know you get me
So I'll let my walls come down, down

Before you met me
I was a wreck
But things were kinda heavy
You brought me to life
Now every February
You'll be my valentine, valentine

Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance until we die
You and I
We'll be young forever

You make me
Feel like
I'm living a Teenage Dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's runaway
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

We drove to Cali
And got drunk on the beach
Got a motel and
Built a fort out of sheets
I finally found you
My missing puzzle piece
I'm complete

Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love

We can dance until we die
You and I
We'll be young forever

You make me
Feel like
I'm living a Teenage Dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's runaway
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

I might get your heart racing
In my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight

Let you put your hands on me
In my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight

You make me
Feel like
I'm living a Teenage Dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's runaway
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

College. . .

You want to know the truth?  The real truth?  The truth is. . .I'm losing myself.  I've gotten to college with all these different types of people and I'm losing who I am. . .I'm honestly not sure who that is anymore.   Before I came here, I thought I knew. . .I thought I knew what made me happy and what I was all about, but now I haven't a freaking clue.  I don't know where I fit in, or what I'm supposed to be doing.  My head is spinning.  I thought I knew what I was doing. . .I thought the people I was hanging around with were my friends. . .I thought wrong.  Now. . .now it feels like its too late.  Everyone has their circle and all the spaces are filled. . .and here I am sitting on the outside looking in.  I feel empty, lost, and alone. . .I'm not sure I've ever felt like this before.  I had anticipated things working out so differently. . .I don't know what I did wrong. . .

Random Ranting :-/

What do you do when you can't pick yourself up?
What do you do when you reach out, and no one is there to take your hand?
What do you do when you're so lost you don't even know which way is up?
If you're alone in the world, and no one can see you. . .do you exist at all?

When I Close My Eyes

When I close my eyes, I slip into a beautiful world.  One where its always sunset.  The birds are flying into the heavens, the breeze lightly moves my hair, and the earth is a beautiful green.  There is music in the distance, and it makes you smile. 
When I close my eyes, we're walking side by side, holding hands.  I don't have to breathe because you've already taken that away and you look at me in that special way, and I get that feeling deep inside that makes me want to squirm.
When I close my eyes, I never want to open them.  Everything is too perfect in this hidden world behind my eyelids.  I did everything right the first time, and don't wish I could go back and fix it.
When I open my eyes, I slide right back into reality.  The sunset is gone and I start to breathe again. . .

Can you find me?

I am a secret. 
An story not yet told.
A whisper.
I hide in open spaces.
Where you cannot see me.
I scream in the silence.
When you cannot hear me.
You search in the dark, behind every nook and cranny.
You find nothing because you look with your eyes.

The Image Speaks For Itself