Situations

The situations I get myself into are all but not exciting lol.  As a lot of you know. . .I'm the type of person that won't listen to anyone when they try to tell me the outcome of a situation, no. . .I have to try it myself.  I have to live it, and learn it.  Well the present situation I am in. . .is just that.  I'm sure if most people knew, they would tell me its crazy and can only end in disaster. . .perhaps I even thought that of other people that might be in this situation, but honestly. . .I am so happy.  Its strange how things happen. . .you really can't judge a book by its cover.  I never thought I would be involved in anything like this. . .but now that I am, I am really happy and it seems as though this is exactly what I've been looking for.  Sure its unorthodox, but who cares?  I don't like it when everything in life needs to be set in stone, I like to do things my own way. . .life is more interesting that way. . .ya I probably get that from my father. . .but as long as i'm not hurting anyone else, what harm could be done?  Sorry to be so vague, perhaps in the future I will explain in more detail but as for now, just know that I'm happy and I think i found what I was looking for.

I am not. . .

No, i'm sorry. . .i'm not a chew toy.  You can't bite me to pieces and then spit me on the floor.  I'm not a rag doll, you can't play with me for a few minutes and then put me away in a box.  I'm not a sex toy that is just here for your entertainment.  I'm a person.  I'm made up of skin, blood, organs, a heart. . .a mind.  I cry when i'm hurt, and when I'm sad.  I laugh and smile when I'm happy.  It hurts when i'm treated like a chew toy, a rag doll, a sex toy.  Thats not what I am.  Ya i'm here to help you, i'll be there for you if you ever need me. . .but i'm a person that deserves respect and decency.  I deserve to be cared for, like a porcelain doll that will break if dropped. I deserve to be loved and respected like any other person in the world.  No, i'm not perfect, I make mistakes. . .and sure, sometimes I deserve to be put in my place. . .but once in a while. . . it would be nice to not be treated like shit.  It would be nice to know that people care about me. . .*sigh* okay, i'm done ranting.

What did I do to deserve this?

What did I do to deserve this?  I go through life trying to help people on a daily basis.  I'm always nice, polite, and respectful to the people I meet and especially the guys I date. . .why am I the one that always gets used, hurt, and treated poorly?  I don't do anything to them. . .how is that fair?  Why do people feel like they can walk all over me and anything I have to offer is theirs for the taking?  Its not just a one time occasion either. . .its every freaking time. . .and its not fair.  I don't deserve that.  I deserve better than that.  I at least deserve a little respect. . .some kindness. . .decency.  Don't I?  Or is my kindness towards others all for nothing?  Haven't I dealt with enough?  Can't it just stop for a little while?  Please? 

Squished In Bed

I am laying in bed wearing my black and white bathing suit.  I'm talking to Tyler.  He says hello.  I'm telling him wayyyy too much.  Oh yes my friends and readers, I am very squished here in my bed.  I want you to know that I am very passionate about my blog, it means a lot to me.  I'm very sincere in it.  I like it when people read it and comment and such.  I've got that airplanes song stuck in my head "can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky were like shooting stars, I could really use a wish right now" ya. . .a wish right now would be pretty good

To My Friends

To Gabby:  I freaking love you!! BFFL!  I'm so glad we got so close this year and got to spend so much time together.  I know we are going to be close all through college and you can come visit me as much as you'd like.  I want you to know that you're freaking beautiful and I love you to death.  You have helped me out so much this year. . .you are one of the only people I feel like I can really talk to.  I'm so excited for all the memories we are going to make this summer and for the next few years.   Best of luck babe. 

To Cassie:  Its been a rough road this year, but we pulled through.  I hope you have a great summer and senior year.  Best of luck, stay in touch.

To Donjeta:  Girrrrrllllllllllllll lol what can I say. . .you're hawt!!  I'm so upset that you're spending your freaking summer in Cosavo (did I spell that right?) and missing all of our grad parties.  You had better come see me after you come back.  I love you to death and you are one of the few people that I know I will stay in contact with over the years.  I can't wait to come visit you at school and party in the city with you.  Know that I love you and I'm always here if you need anything.  Best of Luck.

To Ashley P:  hahaha, this year has been a blast with you!!!  Its been real yo and I'm sure we will get together a bunch when we are in college.  You, me, gabby, and matt. . .oh ya.  You're awesome girl, you've got a big heart and you're very strong.  I admire you in so many ways.  Keep it real, keep in touch, Best of Luck.

To Cecilia: I love your hair!!  You won't be too far away from me so I hope we get together and chill.  Its going to be fun.  I know you are going to do well so I won't waste my time wishing you luck because you don't need it.  Had tons of fun at your grad party (i won at stump. . .twice :))  Keep in touch.

To Matty:  Girrrrrrllllll lol jk :)  I'm going to miss you like hell, but I will come visit you and donjeta down there.  We will party. . .it will be great!!!!  I've been friends with you for sooooo freaking long, you are one of the people that I always kept in contact with and always hung out with.  Oh the memories.  Best of Luck

To Kelly:  You are brilliant and you are going to go far.  Never change.  I know that when we come back for our 10 year reunion you will be very successful, married, and rolling in the money :)  You're so funny and fun to be around.  Keep in touch, Best of Luck.

I know I'm forgetting like 10 million people so TO 10 MILLION PEOPLE:  Its been real!  Peace!

Breakeven by The Script (dedicated to you-know-who)

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even.

Her best days will be some of my worst,
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first,
While I'm wide awake, she's no trouble sleeping,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Coz she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love
while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces,
(Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain,
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh.
'Coz you left me with no love, with no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break, no it don't
break, no it don't break even no.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces,
(One still in love
while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces,
(Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, It don't break even, no

Books

Okay readers, I need suggestions!!!  As you all know, I love to read.  My new crazy is historical fiction taking place in medieval europe, but I've been having problems finding good ones.  I read PILLARS OF THE EARTH and WORLD WITHOUT END by Ken Follett and I was kind of obsessed but I need something new.  I'm reading THE CRIMSON PETAL AND THE WHITE by uhhhh Michael Faber I think. . .lol it takes place in Victorian London.  Its pretty good so far but its not medieval europe.  Help???

Heart and Mind

I don't want to be remembered for my eyes, or my smile.  I don't want to be remembered for the clothes I wore or the way I painted my nails.  I don't care that you find me beautiful. . .thats not what I want.  It means so much more to me for someone to take note of my mind and/or my heart.  I want to be remembered for being intelligent and quick witted, for being poetic and articulate.  I want to be remembered for caring about someone or something. . .for being passionate about something.  I don't care if you can't put a face to the name, if all you remember is my mind and my heart.  Thats what I want you to notice.  Beauty only goes skin deep. . .it won't save a life, or touch a persons heart. . .thats what I want to do and thats how I want to be remembered. 
 

My "Dad"

My dad called last night. . .the real one.  Not the one that adopted me, but the one that gave me up.  The one that cared more about his drugs and girlfriends than his daughter.  Yeah. . .that one called me last night.  He called to ask me about college, graduation, and my surgery.  He told me he would do anything he could to help me out financially with college, and gave me his number so that if I needed something I could call him.  He told me he wished I was going to school down there, and told me that when I come down in July he is going to give me money for graduation.  He said he was proud of me for graduating and continuing my education.  Then. . .as he said goodbye. . .he told me "daddy loves you."  After getting off the phone with him I couldn't help but cry.  This is the man that couldn't bother to call me on my birthday or hug me when I came to visit.  This is the man that never had enough time for me.  This is the man that never gave a damn about me.  I got adopted less than a year ago by my step father because this man was never EVER my father.  Why the hell does he care now?  Why is he doing all of this and saying all of this now?  Now that I'm no longer his daughter he calls me and tells me "daddy loves you."  I broke down not because I was angry, or happy, or sad. . .or anything.  I was confused.  He made my head spin and the only way I knew how to react was to break down and cry. . .and then I got "squished" but. . .it hurts.  I'm 18 years old and I'm adopted. . .and now my dad decides to show affection and take responsibility for me. . .WTF?

Graduation

So I graduated, and while I was on the stage this is what I was thinking:
I've been on this stage hundreds of times between all of the shows I've been in as well as orchestra and choir concerts. . .but now I face my biggest audience and this time I'm playing the part of a graduate.  Up until this point I've performed with a script.  The script was the guidelines I lived by whether it was the rules my parents set, or the routine I performed every day. . .but now, its all improvisation. . .now I make the script.  I may never be on that stage again.  My biggest audience watched me decend the stairs and get my deploma, and move my tassle from the right to the left. . .they watched me graduate.  They watched the moment where the life, as I knew it, ended and a new one began.  The script is gone, instead I have a series of blank pages in my hand and a pen.  I'm no longer just an actress, I'm the playwrite, director, producer, and star of my own show. . .Lets see what happens.  :)