Breakeven by The Script (dedicated to you-know-who)

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even.

Her best days will be some of my worst,
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first,
While I'm wide awake, she's no trouble sleeping,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Coz she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love
while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces,
(Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain,
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh.
'Coz you left me with no love, with no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break, no it don't
break, no it don't break even no.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces,
(One still in love
while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces,
(Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, It don't break even, no

Books

Okay readers, I need suggestions!!!  As you all know, I love to read.  My new crazy is historical fiction taking place in medieval europe, but I've been having problems finding good ones.  I read PILLARS OF THE EARTH and WORLD WITHOUT END by Ken Follett and I was kind of obsessed but I need something new.  I'm reading THE CRIMSON PETAL AND THE WHITE by uhhhh Michael Faber I think. . .lol it takes place in Victorian London.  Its pretty good so far but its not medieval europe.  Help???

Heart and Mind

I don't want to be remembered for my eyes, or my smile.  I don't want to be remembered for the clothes I wore or the way I painted my nails.  I don't care that you find me beautiful. . .thats not what I want.  It means so much more to me for someone to take note of my mind and/or my heart.  I want to be remembered for being intelligent and quick witted, for being poetic and articulate.  I want to be remembered for caring about someone or something. . .for being passionate about something.  I don't care if you can't put a face to the name, if all you remember is my mind and my heart.  Thats what I want you to notice.  Beauty only goes skin deep. . .it won't save a life, or touch a persons heart. . .thats what I want to do and thats how I want to be remembered. 
 

My "Dad"

My dad called last night. . .the real one.  Not the one that adopted me, but the one that gave me up.  The one that cared more about his drugs and girlfriends than his daughter.  Yeah. . .that one called me last night.  He called to ask me about college, graduation, and my surgery.  He told me he would do anything he could to help me out financially with college, and gave me his number so that if I needed something I could call him.  He told me he wished I was going to school down there, and told me that when I come down in July he is going to give me money for graduation.  He said he was proud of me for graduating and continuing my education.  Then. . .as he said goodbye. . .he told me "daddy loves you."  After getting off the phone with him I couldn't help but cry.  This is the man that couldn't bother to call me on my birthday or hug me when I came to visit.  This is the man that never had enough time for me.  This is the man that never gave a damn about me.  I got adopted less than a year ago by my step father because this man was never EVER my father.  Why the hell does he care now?  Why is he doing all of this and saying all of this now?  Now that I'm no longer his daughter he calls me and tells me "daddy loves you."  I broke down not because I was angry, or happy, or sad. . .or anything.  I was confused.  He made my head spin and the only way I knew how to react was to break down and cry. . .and then I got "squished" but. . .it hurts.  I'm 18 years old and I'm adopted. . .and now my dad decides to show affection and take responsibility for me. . .WTF?

Graduation

So I graduated, and while I was on the stage this is what I was thinking:
I've been on this stage hundreds of times between all of the shows I've been in as well as orchestra and choir concerts. . .but now I face my biggest audience and this time I'm playing the part of a graduate.  Up until this point I've performed with a script.  The script was the guidelines I lived by whether it was the rules my parents set, or the routine I performed every day. . .but now, its all improvisation. . .now I make the script.  I may never be on that stage again.  My biggest audience watched me decend the stairs and get my deploma, and move my tassle from the right to the left. . .they watched me graduate.  They watched the moment where the life, as I knew it, ended and a new one began.  The script is gone, instead I have a series of blank pages in my hand and a pen.  I'm no longer just an actress, I'm the playwrite, director, producer, and star of my own show. . .Lets see what happens.  :)

Dream

I dreamed about Jessie the other day.  We were sitting in an auditorium talking.  I was holding her hand.  Her had was cold.  Thats one thing I remember, she was always cold.  She was wearing a short sleeved shirt and I could see the brown birth mark she had on her upper arm.  She had braces.  Her nails were trimmed very short.  These are all of the little things I remember about her that really stood out to me in my dream.  I held her hand and we were talking and then I started crying.  I cried because I was scared because I didn't know if it was real or not.  I wasn't sure if what I was experiencing in my dream was real, and she was there with me, or if she was really gone and in a few moments I would wake up.  She saw me crying. . .and she just looked at me as if she understood.  She didn't look confused or ask why I was crying.  She just held my hand and looked at me as if to say its alright.  I woke up and I couldn't help but feel heart broken because it was just a dream.  As I have said before, I love dreaming about her because I get to spend time with her again and its always so real like she's really there, but when I wake up I have to deal with the pain of losing her all over again.  The funny thing is, when I'm 30 and i dream about her. . .she's going to look the same.  she's going to look 16 with braces, long hair, and short finger nails.  That is how I remember her and that is how she will live in my memory forever. 

I Survived

Well. . .I survived lol.  I went thursday morning to albany to have my surgery.  It started with a bunch of paper work and I nervously answered questions.  I had to fill out a proxy thinger about who can make medical decisions for me in the event that I can't (scary).  Then I had to pee in a cup so they could give me a pregnancy test (they said it was standard procedure) it was still annoying.  Then I had to put on one of those god awful hospital gowns that show your butt.  They made me take out all of my piercings, and I just remembered I never did put any of my ear rings back in.  I was nervous about my tongue closing up so I put it back in while I was waiting and took it out again later.  Mom and I waited in this hospital type room where there were a bunch of people and we were all behind curtains in hospital beds.  They put an iv in me with saline solution, but they didn't put it in my arm, they put it in my wrist, like the side of my rist behind my thumb.  It didn't hurt too bad, but I had never had a needle put there before and I still have a mark.  Then I waited. . .Dr. Silver's resident came to talk to me and told me what meds I would be getting after the surgery and what not.  Then I got a shot in the IV of something to relax me. . .oh yeah. . .I was relaxed.  I was higher than a kite.  It was great.  Then they wheeled me into the operating room and whoever was driving my bed didn't do a good job, they knocked me into everything but I was too high to really care.  Then I had to move from the hospital stretcher dealy to the operating table.  I remember it was very bright and there were a lot of people in there.  One woman put a mask over my mouth to breath and it was easy to breath in but hard to breath out. . .and then I was out.  I guess they had to put a tube down my throat to breath for me and they cauterized where my sist was and stuff.  When I woke up there was some male nurse standing over me writing on a clip board.  My vision was very blurry and I felt like I had been hit by a bus.  I was SOOOOOOOOOOOO thirsty.  He asked me how I was doing and i told him I was thirsty.  He told me to try to sleep for a bit longer and then they would move me into recovery and I could get a drink there, but I was too thirsty to go back to sleep.  They wheeled me into a hospital room because recovery was closed (how does recovery close?) and they got me water and apple juice.  I was SOOOOOOOO thirsty.  Then my mom came in.  I could have slept for a lot longer and rested, but I wasn't really comfortable.  So after a few minutes I got up.  I was really dizzy and my legs hurt.  They were worried about that.  It felt like I had really bad charlie horses in my legs, they were concerned I had blood clots.  But I got up and walked around a little and sat in a comfy chair and I started to feel better.  My throat was sore from the tubes and when I looked in the mirror I was all puffy.  No bruising, but my eye lids were swolen.  I got a bunch of ice pops and then they took the IV out, gave me some meds, and asked if I was ready to go home.  I was.  I had to wear this gauze under my nose called moustache dressing.  It was essentially rolled up gauze taped under my nose to catch the blood. . .it was really sexy lol.  The next day my entire body ached and they determined it was from the anestesia and not blood clots.  It was awful.  The meds were great, but it was awful.  After a few days the pain wore off, I didn't have to wear the moustache dressing, and I stopped taking pain pills, but I got really sick from the antibiotics.  Thats why I'm here now.  I'm at work with my mom so I can go see the doctor to have him take the splits out because they are making me sick.  I was supposed to have them taken out on thursday.  They're really annoying and I think I will feel 100x better once they are out.  But I survived. 

Last Concert

Last night was my last high school orchestra concert. . .rough!!! I started crying in the middle of "Send in the Clowns" and I couldn't read my music so I was playing from memory while sobbing.  Then Mr. Milman made a short speech and announced all of the seniors and I cried even more. . .and I cried even more when the concert was done.  Strange however, today was my last day of school and I DID NOT shed one tear.  I don't really think its become real to me that I am done with high school. . .it probably won't until graduation.  I think besides the fact that we were all crying, our concert went well and it was fun.  Wish me luck on my surgery tomorrow.  I'm a little worried about my tongue because I have to take my tongue ring out and your mouth heals very fast so I might lose my piercing. . .which would suck but I probably won't go and have it done again.  I hope that if I take it out at the last minute and put it back in as soon as possible I might be able to save it.  We'll see.  I'll let you know how it goes as soon as I'm up and running again. 

Last few days

Well my senior prom wasn't as amazing as people make it out to be.  I went through the motions and danced with a few of my friends. . .but prom really isn't my thing and I kinda knew I wasn't going to enjoy it all that much.  But 50 bobby pins and 4 shampoo sessions later I am done with that and I can mark it off of my check list.  Tonight is my last high school orchestra concert and tomorrow is my last day of high school.  I took my geology final first period today and I'm taking my precalc final next period.  Geology was easy and I was done with in like 20 mins.  I can't believe its done.  I am happy that its over but at the same time I'm sad.  This year went by so fast.  If nothing else, this year I've really learned who my true friends are and they will be the ones I make an effort to keep in contact with over the next few years, you know who you are.  Tonight will be sad. . .I think it will be the hardest part of graduating.  I can't believe tomorrow is my last day.  Honestly though. . .as I experience all of this, I can't help but think of my cousin and how she never got to do these things.  She never got to go to prom, or graduation, or turn 18, or go gambling. . .every time I experience something new because of my age I think of her and how she died when she was only 16.  I don't feel lucky that I get to experience it. . .I feel sad that she didn't. . .idk. . .just a thought. 

End of Senior Year

As of wednesday I am officially done with my senior year and highschool in general.  This whole time I have been counting down the days and now that its here. . .I want to cry.  A couple of weeks ago we got our yearbooks and I wished all of my friends the best of luck and more or less left them a goodbye note.  I teared up while writing a few of them.  I don't think any of the messages I left were less than about half a page, Gabby got a page and a half lol.  Its sad.  Graduation always seemed to be like this mythical thing that would never come to be. . .but here it is looking us in the face.  I'm here looking back and I'm in disbelief.  Signing yearbooks was hard and I plan to dedicate posts to a few of my friends here.  Then yesterday I went to my sisters choir concert, but there were a few other groups performing as well such as the 6th grade orchestra.  They played two of the same songs I played when I was in middle school and that made me cry because it seems like yesterday I was in the 6th grade orchestra playing Canon and Ode to Joy.  Tuesday is my last highschool orchestra concert and I know I won't make it all the way through without crying.  Mr. Milman has been teaching me since I was in the 5th grade and we've made it so far. . .and now its all coming to an end.  Tomorrow is my senior prom and I'm sure there will be some tears shed then as I spend one of the last days at a school event with all my friends.  We are all going in different directions and starting our own lives on different paths.  I tear up when I think about it. . .not all bad tears although I'm sad its coming to an end, but I just can't believe it and I am so happy for everyone.  We've spent so many years together with our back packs on our backs and lunches in our hands. . .the days where we had one teacher a day to now where most of us cut more classes than we go to. . .and now its all ending and I'm not going to see these people on a daily basis.  We've anticipated this day since the first day of kindergarden and now its here and its like being struck by lightening.  Its hard to imagine anything different than what our life has been for the last 17-18 years.  But I wish the entire class of 2010 the best.  See you at prom tomorrow and graduation on the 25th.