Being Single

I think I remember why I hate being single, and I prefer being in a relationship. . .he keeps me safe.  He, whom ever he is, keeps me safe, in line, and keeps dangers away from me.  He protects me when I can't defend myself.  He makes the nightmares, and the monsters go away.  He kisses the tears away and holds me in his arms while whispering "it will all be okay."  I'm not always smart about things, and I don't always think. . .he does that for me.  Maybe staying single isn't in my best interest?  Maybe its better for me to be with someone. . .  Not only to keep me safe, but to share things with.  To be, or not to be. . .single.

Wall of Lies

A lie is like a wall.
You are the coward hiding behind it.
You realize the wall won't stand, don't you?
Its not well constructed.
Its fake.
I am the wolf that will blow it down.
You are the pig cowaring inside.
No, in this story the wolf isn't big and bad, and the pigs aren't that intelligent.
Hide behind your damn wall you pig.
You are the scum of the earth, and the best part is. . .you know it.
I'll let you hide like the coward you are because eventually your wall of lies will come crashing down and you will be squashed beneath them.
Sleep well.

You Know What You Did

You know what you did, it doesn't matter how much you lie.
You have to live with yourself.
Can you sleep at night, knowing what you did?
Do you realize what you did?
Did you plan it, or was it a last minute decision?
I wasn't as far away as you think, I was there. 
I remember.
I still see it when I close my eyes.
How could you do that to me? 
Hou could anyone do that to another person?
I feel empty, but flooded with emotion at the same time.
My mind goes back and forth.
I remember, but I don't want to.
I don't want to see it.
Hugs and kisses don't make it better.
They don't take the pain away.
What do I do? 
Do I scream and let everyone hear me?
Do I hide, and pretend to forget?
I don't know. 
I'm lost.

I am a metaphore

I am a butterfly, and my soul is a rainbow. 
I am a star, and my heart is a fire.
I am a waterfall, and my eyes are a window.
I am a metaphore, but my soul will forever be a hyperbole.

Dating

In the last month I have realized that there is a box.  Yes a box.  Where all (most) teenagers live.  In this box, as far as relationships go, there is no such thing as Dating.  You are either in a relationship or you're not.  There is no in between called dating and the majority of my friends and fellow students do not grasp the concept.  They condemn me because I have, in fact, been dating.  I have been seeing a few different people since I've split up with Tim.  One friend in particular called me a slut, when I have done really nothing physically with any of the guys I've been out with.  There are really only 2 guys that I've been really seeing.  I went on one date with a bible humper and that was the last of him and I've been seeing 2 guys for the last few weeks.  I'm not looking to get into a relationship just yet.  I'm not 100% sure what I'm doing as far as college, I'm just out of an "engagement", and I just want to date and have fun and get to know different personalities before I get into another serious relationship.  So while dating: there is no committment, and the option on both sides to see other people. . .is that really that hard of a concept to grasp in high school?? I'm 18 years old and a senior. . .why is that so horrible?? I'm not having sex with every guy I go out with. . .so what the hell?? Whats wrong with dating??  Why don't any (most any) of my friends get this??  GAH CONFUSION!!!

College II

Well its pretty much set in stone that I am going to Oneonta. . .heres my next problem. . .I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WANT TO DO FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!!!  I don't really want to be a teacher, maybe a psychologist? communications? humanities?  I have no idea.  I know what I like. . .but no stable career (that I know of) supports what I enjoy. I enjoy art, and being creative, and working with people, and most of all I want to help people and influence someone's life. . .any ideas?? Well i've spent a large portion of today googling college majors and looking at the ones that Oneonta offers. . .psychology sounds appealing because I can do so much with it.  Thats the opposite for education because if I major in education I don't really have a choice but to become a teacher. . .with a psychology major I at least have options.  I was reading the possible job options for a communications major and there are a lot of options there as well.  I hate it.  Its so stressful.  All my life I've "known" what I wanted to do, or at least thought I did. . .and had an idea.  Now that its the time that I more or less NEED to know. . .I haven't the slightest clue.  It bothers me that I don't know. . .its not like me not to know.  *sigh*

College

Well everything just got a whole lotta messed up.  I thought I was going to Long Island University C.W Post because on their website it says it only costs like $29,000 a year and they were automatically giving me $11,000 a year for merit. . .well we just got my financial aid package from them and tuition is like $41,000 a year and they're only giving me $12,000 a year total. . .soo. . .i don't think I'm going there.  So I'm still waiting to hear back from Stony Brook, I emailed them the other day and they said my decision is still pending, but I have been accepted to Oneonta, Oswego, and Herkimer. . .I really don't want to go to Oswego or Herkimer so if I get accepted to Stony Brook it will be between there and Oneonta.  It kinda makes me sad because I have really had my heart set on going to C.W Post.  I mean, Stony Brook is in Long Island so if I went there I would still be down there and it is an absolutely GORGEOUS school. . .but. . .idk.  Its all coming down to like financial stuff. . .the good thing about Oneonta is I would be closer to people here, and a bunch of my friends are going to Oswego which isn't far away at all.  *shrugs* I guess we'll see what happens. 

Need You Now--Lady Antebellum

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin for the phone cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothin at all
It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

I just need you now

Ooo, baby, I need you now



I like this song.  I heard it on the radio and it just made me think.

Yesterday

Well I had a funny experience yesterday in the Stewarts parking lot that I would like to share with you because it embarrassed me, and I feel that by laughing about it, and telling people about it, I will feel less embarrassed.  Well first of all, as I was walking into Stewarts guess who I passed?? Just guess!! No ideas??? Tim's ex girlfriend, who is now his new girlfriend Cayla!!!! yeah. . .she saw me and gave me a dirty look. . .I just smiled at her.  :) Anyways, when I was leaving Stewarts some big ass truck parked as close to me as he possibly could, and when I had to pull out I also had to turn.  So I couldn't pull out because I couldn't manuver my car around this big ass freaking truck that was parked way too close to me.  I made several failed attempts until finally this very attractive male passanger in the big ass truck opens his window and walks me through step by step how to back up my car and get around the big ass truck that is parked too damn close. . .so I was very embarrassed that he had to help me because I couldnt do it myself but I smiled and said thank you anyways.  Mind you as I was getting into my car he winked and smiled at me. . .now he probably thinks I'm a total ditz.   Well thats my story :)

Never Again

Never again:
Will I date someone in the military.
will I date someone after having issues with their family only weeks into the relationship.
will I date someone I have to wait more than a couple of weeks to see.
will I date someone I can't be myself around.
will I date someone I have to walk on eggshells around.
will I lie to myself to justify my behavior.
will I date someone that makes me feel like I have to be someone or something different to make them happy.
will I date someone that I CANNOT make happy dispite all of my efforts.
will I date someone that doesn't appreciate me for who I am and what I do.
I will never get engaged again. . .next time I'll just skip right to the marriage (I'm kidding with that one lol)
Never again will I plan to sacrifice everything for a person that isn't willing to do the same for me.
This is me, take me or leave me because I WILL NOT change for you or be someone or something I'm not.  I have a big heart and a lot to offer, but i'm not playing anymore games and not getting beaten down by a nobody.