Everything I've ever wanted

Everything I want is right in front of me.  When I say everything, I MEAN EVERYTHING!! Standing in front of me, screaming in my face.  I see it. . .right there. . .why don't I reach for it and grab it?? Why do I hesitate?  Everything I've ever wanted has been waiting. . .right in front of me for over a year.  I've seen it there, sitting, waiting. . .staring at me in the face.  I've touched it, but then I run away.  Does it seem too good to be true?  Do I enjoy pain?  Why can't I make things easy on myself?  No. . .I run away and find something that is masked like everything I've ever wanted.  I take that and play with it. . .while everything I have ever wanted sits in the corner still waiting and watching. . .waiting for me to get sick of the toy I had chosen.  I always do. . .I toss it aside and everything I've ever wanted stands back up, aproaches me like I never tossed it aside, takes my hands and looks deep into my eyes. . .I never look into its eyes however.  I look away.  Like I'm afraid to face it.  Why??  So here it is. . .holding my hands, staring at me.  Telling me that it's everything I've ever wanted, and that I'm everything its ever wanted.  That its been waiting. . .only for me. . .I look into its eyes. . .and just stand there.  Toys are taunting me all around with their colors and bells. . .I could easily go and play with one of them. . .am I ready for everything I've ever wanted?? Ready to put the toys away?  I take a deep breath and. . .

Single

Yeah. . .believe it or not Tim and I are done.  It hurts to tell the story but I will anyways.  I went to a party last weekend.  Before going I asked Tim's permission.  He said I could go and to have fun. . .Well I did just that. . .perhaps a little too much fun.  I guess I don't know my own limits like I thought I did.  I got messed up to the point where I was sitting on the couch talking to someone that wasn't there.  I don't even remember what happened that night. I know I called Tim and I was just beyond messed up.  This worried him and he didn't sleep all night.  The next morning I apologized.  Not only for worrying him and keeping him up but also for getting so messed up.  I told him I wasn't going to get that messed up at a party again unless he was there.  I said sorry. . .he was talking to me for a while and then he said he had to go.  I didn't hear from him again, and I still haven't.  This was sunday.  Well yesterday I was on myspace and I looked at his profile. . .he had been on myspace the day before.  He hadn't talked to me since around noon on sunday.  So he could go online, but he couldn't call me or return my calls or texts or anything.  So I sent him a message on myspace saying just that and that I was done.  I changed my relationship statuses reluctantly as well as my default pictures of us together.  I made our break up "facebook official."  It hurt.  I was more angry that he couldn't bother to tell me we were done, or say he just didn't want to talk to me right now, or anything.  Well I went to go visit my grandma and when I got home he had also changed his relationship status and his picture.  He made it very obvious that he was ignoring me.  I thought he was more mature than that. . .I thought he would say something if he didn't want to be with me. . .or tell me what was going on at least, but I was wrong.  I still haven't heard from him even now that we're broken up.  His mom called me this morning and told me what happened.  She said he was upset about me getting so messed up at the party.  He didn't want to have to worry about me when I go to college and what not while he is busy in the military.  He also doesn't want to stop me from having fun.  Evidently he is still upset, but I don't know about what.  That is why he won't talk to me. . .I asked him permission to go to that party, he said yes, i apologized for getting so messed up and said I wouldn't do that again with out him being here, he told me not to apologize, I was willing to wait here while he was off in Korea or Afghanistan risking his life while I worry and cry EVERY FREAKING NIGHT. . .I was willing to sacrifice everything. . .pretty much my entire life for him.  He wasn't willing to do the same.  So I'm glad.  I'm glad we broke up in that case because 1. he obviously doesn't love me enough for me to spend the rest of my life with him. 2. he plays the "ignoring" game.  3. I'm free now.  I'm not longer tied down the army wife relationship that I was willing to do.  I don't have to do that now.  Now I can find myself a man that will appreciate me and everything I do and not make me sacrifice so much.  I can have a normal marriage to a man that is here.  I can have the wedding I wanted.  So, although it hurts, the break up is more than likely for the best.  Did I love him?  More than I can put into words.  Do I still? I probably always will because thats just how I am.  I still believe we had something special.  He was special to me.  I loved him, but I think. . .in the back of my mind. . .I knew it wasn't going to work out.  I couldn't talk to him. . .he got angry at the littlest of things and he told his family EVERYTHING I told him.  I was lonely and depressed always. . .so its probably for the best.  It hurts still, I still cry and miss him. . .but I'm going to be okay.  Just have to continue my search for the real "one". 

Our Song ♥

and if for whatever reason you can't view it on here, here is the link : Two is Better Than One

♥♥♥

Here are some more pix of Timmer that he either sent me or I took myself. 

I love this boy with all my heart and soul.  The only thing I would change is that he is so far away.  I would do anything to be like all my friends and be able to see and talk to their boyfriends when ever they please (except Cassie who is in a similar boat because her lover is in college in VA) Cant wait to be Jocelyn Marisa Manchester ♥♥♥

♥Golden Girls♥

Creature of the Night

I will compare you to a creature of the night.
Yes. . .that is how I will do it. 
Dark. . .mysterious. . .a secret.
shhhh don't tell.
Don't say a word.
I will obey the creature of the night.
Under his spell. . .his power. . .his control.
It isn't blood lust, no, its lust, desire, need.
Its like a drug, isn't it? 
Take me creature of the night. 
You are like the night sky.
Big. . .over powering, but beautiful.
Dispite the darkness, and impurities, you are beautiful.
Lit up by the stars and the moon.
Is it possible to be so bright and wonderful, and so dark?
Yes.
You are.
I'm like a little girl gazing up at you with desire in my eyes.
Take me creature of the night.
I'm already under your power.
Innocence lost.
Identity doubled.
Heart torn.
I surrender.
Give my self, my blood, my body. 
Take whats left and what already belongs to someone else.
Take me.

My Visit With Tim

Well I'm back home from my trip to Missouri.  I only got to see my fiance for about 7.5 hours but I loved every second.  I got to touch him and kiss him and that is what mattered the most.  He looked so sexi in his uniform. . .Class A's. . .is that what they are called?? Well anyways he looked amazing.  Kissing him. . .omg it took my breath away.  Well his mom encouraged us to spend some "special alone time" in the bathroom *wink wink* which was right off of the hotel room (awkward) but we did. . .it was. . .fun haha.  He is just so sexi and I am so in love with him.  I get to talk to him just about every day now which makes me very happy, its the next best thing to seeing him.  The thing about our relationship. . .when i see him for the first time after a long wait its like falling in love at first sight every time.  When I have to go months at a time without seeing him, the moment that I do. . .I can't even put it into words what I feel.  My heart skips a beat and I'm instantly reminded of how much he means to me, and I swear I fall even more in love with him every time.  The bad thing. . .the good byes.  After falling even more in love with him and barely being able to breath every second I spend with him. . .my heart breaks.  I have to say goodbye and know that I won't see him again for a long time.  Do you know what that feels like?? Again. . .lack of words.  My heart breaks.  I can't choke back the tears, they just pour out.  But I swear it makes every moment I have with him that much better, and it makes the next meeting that much more special.  Our love is special because its always new.  Our time together is special because its so rare.  That is why I want to marry him, because Tim and I share something so special and so emotional. . .and I hate that I can't be with him every day, but absense makes the heart grow stronger and without the pain, I couldn't feel compassion. . .our relationship proves this. 

Timothy Evan Manchester Jr.  I love you more than anything.  You and me forever ♥

Tim

These were some pictures from when he came home for christmas, I just hadn't posted them.  :D

Valentines Day

So that very special holiday is coming up where you're supposed to show the one you love how much they mean to you.  It's not a bad thought seeing as most people don't show each other how much they mean on a daily basis.  I don't get to see my fiance on this special day but I do get to see him a few days later.  How do I show him how much he means to me?  How does anyone?  My friends mean the world and more to me.  I can't give them the world.  I love Tim in ways I can't even express. . .how do you show someone that?  This is where the phrase "its the thought that counts" comes in lol.  I think Tim already knows how much he means to me.  I know how much I mean to him and I only get to speak to him once a week. . .I still know.  I sometimes question how my friends feel, but for the most part I know they love me and I think they know that I love them.  Regardless, I think its a nice gesture to try and go out of your way to show it.  I got Tim a card, one of those that you open and theres music.  He likes those because he's in boot camp and everyone laughs.  I want to get him more but it is so hard to buy stuff for a guy especially when hes in boot camp.  I would get him candy, but he probably won't eat it for obvious reasons (training).  I would get him a teddy bear (is that gay?) but he wouldnt be able to really have it until march because they're not allowed to have possessions.  I know when I see him, I'm going to give him the biggest kiss and hug anyone has ever gotten.  That will be the best valentines gift for me.  Just to hug him again.  Thats all I want. 

Just Want To Know

Just want to know what you think of my blog set up, the gadgets I have, the color schemes and what not.  I've been putting new gadgets up over the last few months and added another one today.  Do you like them?? Let me know.  Love Comments from people that aren't just trying to start shit