Who Am I?

A very special person today told me to be myself. . .be myself?  Who am I?  That was what I thought immediately and I began to cry.  I honestly don't know anymore.  I used to know.  I knew exactly who I was, what I wanted. . .and everything.  I've always been a planner, I'm not a person that can live for the moment.  I've been planning out my life since kindergarden, and just recently things began to change.  I broke down crying when I decided to change my major. . .because that meant a change of plans.  I had to change what I wanted to be for the rest of my life, and I know that seems stupid, but its a big deal to me.  My future is almost set in stone for me in my mind. . .and when things get changed its almost like losing part of my past.  I'm still some what unsure about my future as far as what I want to be. . .but I know the general direction.  I know I want to help people, I want to impact lives, and make a difference.  I guess in my mind I think that if I can save just one persons life it will make up for the one that I couldn't save. . .But back to the original question. . .who am I?  Lets see:
My name is Jocelyn Marisa Oeser (Jocie)
My birthday is January 22
I'm female
Brunette
5'7''
fair complected. . .these are all physical. . .they make up what I am. . .not who I am. . .so who am I?
I like art, and music, and theatre.  I like cute little animals, especially when they're sweet.  The stars, and the brain intrigue me.  I enjoy songs that make me cry, and pictures of tranquil and serene landscapes.  Children make me smile, especially when they're smiling.  I don't paint my nails, I don't enjoy it anymore.  I'm addicted to my cell phone and my computer, they're like limbs.  My favorite food is eggplant and my favorite color is crimson.  I like to sing in the car, or when I'm alone.  In my mind, swimming is comparable to flying.  Google has become my bestfriend.  I didn't eat meat for 3 years. . .and it still grosses me out from time to time to be honest.  Religion confuses me and surrounds me.  I wish I could paint.  I enjoy school :0.  I'm eccentric, sensitive, and flirty :D I enjoy writing and I'm not afraid to tell people how I feel unless I think it will upset them, or make them feel bad.  I hate upsetting people, I take it very personally.  I love families and dreaming.  I love to talk about the future, and what my "ideal" life would be.  I have nightmares almost every night now, but I've gotten used to most of them.  I have a crush on a teacher ♥ and I read the twilight series.  I love to read!  I've been hurt many times.  My dad left me when I was a baby. . .he never wanted me in the first place.  He always made promises that he couldn't keep and I never understood why he couldnl't love me.  My mom is my hero!  My cousin died when I was 15 and my life has never been the same. . .I think about her everyday.  I don't really write stories or anything anymore like I used to because I can't. . .it all ends up being about her.  My play is sort of a combination about my life and hers.  Its hard for me to trust people.  I hate shaving. . .just ask BJ, he felt my legs when we went swimming together lol (i know its gross).  I can't sleep with out my bra on. . .its like a security blanket.  I wish I could play the piano.  Thats me in a nut shell. . .and what do I want out of life?  All I want is happiness. . .for me, and everyone around me.  I'm scared to death of making a decision that will negatively effect someone around me.  I wish I could know the outcome of my decisions before I make them, but I can't. . .so its all guess and check.  I want to fall in love, graduate from college, get married, have a few kids, and life a happy life.  I don't want my children to ever have to suffer or go without.  Thats all I want.  Seems simple right? 

I Had A Dream.

I dreamed last night that I was running.  I was being chased, or at least something was following me.  I would look back from time to time, but I couldn't see what it was.  I was scared.  I was crying.  Everything around me was attacking me.  The world was against me.  The world wanted me for dead.  I didn't know where to go, but I kept running.  There was a path in the forest, I followed it.  There was nothing else to follow.  Nothing seemed safe. 
There was a man in the forest right in front of my path.  He just stood there looking at me.  He had this strange look in his eyes.  I thought it was rage, hatred, pain.  I was scared, I thought this was it, but I kept running.  My body wouldn't let me stop.
I ran right into the mans arms.  I continued to cry, and shake with fear, and the man still held me.  It was then that I realized it was you.  You were the man I ran to.  You held me tight and for the first time I felt safe.  Your arms were strong and warm, and you just held me as I cried.  You protected me from the demons, and all my fears.  I held on to you as tight as I could, I feared that if I let go, you would disappear. 
After a while I stopped crying and I stopped shaking.  I looked up at you, and you still had that look in your eyes.  I realized that it wasn't rage, hate, or pain.  It was the look of love, and passion, and lust, and desire. 
I will never forget that look.
I will never forget your warmth.
I will never forget your strength.
I will never forget you, because you are my safety, my protection, and my love. 

Did you know?. . .

Did you know that you inspire me?  
Your words are like a drug that send me whirling though a psychadelic state. 
The sound of your voice harmonizes with the song of my soul. 
Your lips taste like heaven, but burn through me like hell.
Your eyes catch and hold me tight, and I will never leave.

Did you know that I love it when you listen to me speak?  When all I hear is your breathing and all I see is your smile.
I love it when you're near me.  When all I feel is your warmth, and all I smell. . .is you.

Did you know that I'm not sure I could love you more than I do because my heart might just explode?   Or the world might end?
But if the world does end, my love, I will still love you.  I know I will live forever in your heart, and you will live forever in mine. 

Did you know that I started writing because of you?  I used to write before, but stopped when that part of me died.  You know what I'm talking about.  I could no longer get the words out.  I could no longer show myself that way.  Until you.  You inspired me.  You healed the part of me I needed to write again.  I can write about love again, but more, I can feel love again.

Did you know that I am yours?  I gave you my heart, my soul, my body.  That is my gift to you, the only one I can give that is worthy.  You gave me more than I deserve and I cannot meet that because you deserve the world.  So I give you my love. 

Did you know? 

Thanksgiving

So its thanksgiving and this is what i'm thankful for:

my family of course because where would I be without them.

my friends I couldn't have survived these last few years with out them. 

my health. . .well. . .sorta. . .lol i haven't exactly been the healthiest person in the world this year.

my car. . .enough said

my life, it hasn't been the easiest one, but it's been one hell of a ride.

my ipod, it helps me to block people out :D

My ability to read, write, walk, stand, look around, breath, touch, smell, taste and all that good stuff.  Life wouldn't be as much fun or as barable with out these abilities.

I'm thankful that I'm not starving, dying, an orphan or homeless. 

The Story of My Life

Main Characters:
Me (Jocie)
My Mom
My Dad
My Little Sister
Little Brother
Cassie
Chris
Tim
Alex
Aaron
Donjeta
Kelly

Themes:
Love
Death
Lies
Pain
Loss of Innocence
Betrayal
Maturity

Conflicts:
Man vs. Man
Man vs. Self

Examples:
Jessica's death
Familial Conflict
Distruction of Relationships

Symbols:
Cell phone
Car
Necklace
Rose
Ring

Rejected Cartoons (I ♥ This Video!!)

I'm Overwhelmed

Ugh, i am so stressed out.  This week has been so terrible.  Okay, first off, I have so much to do in school, so much work its terrible.  I am doing all I can to stay caught up but its so hard with everything else that is going on.  Then we have the play this week.  I love the play, but it is really hard to focus on it all with everything else going on.  I'm working so hard on my lines and everything, but its hard to focus on and retain anything.  I study my lines every day, but there are still some I'm not getting.  Like I have some lines that have nothing to do with what we're talking about so its hard to go by cues and what not.  I have to write a play this week as well for english, which I'm excited about doing, but it just adds to everything else going on so I wish we weren't doing it right now.  On top of that I had a major issue with my boyfriend the other night.  I found out his parents and family didn't like me at all.  That broke my heart because I've never been in a situation like that.  Tim was going to leave me because of it as well. . .It hurt really really bad, but I asked tim if he loved me and if he would give me the opportunity to fix things and he said yes.  I think I was able to straighten everything out with them.  I listened to what they had to say and told them my side as well.  Their opinion is very important to me so I'm going to do all I can to make everything good.  I think they liked that I went over there to talk to them and I think tim did too.  I hope I worked it all out.  But Tim did leave today for the army and it was hard to say goodbye.  I wont see him for like a month, possibly more and it hurts.  It's stressful.  Then I'm stressed out about work, they want to give me more hours and. . .and. . .I'm going insane.  I can't handle all of this.  At the same time, I have college to worry about, my concert is coming up for orchestra, my car is a pain in the butt and I need tires, I have responsibilities at home.  Its all too much and I don't know what to do.  This week has been awful.  Last night was hard, it was stressful, scary, and nerve racking.  I'm facing things right now that I just can't handle and I've been feeling like this ever since I had pneumonia and I wasn't in school or work for 2 and a half weeks.   I can't get ahead.  I just need a break from it all, but I can't take a break because then more just builds up.  I dont know what to do. 

My Sexi Timmer ♥♥♥

check out my mans sexi body mm mm mm :D lol

his fly was undone lol

Chris

This is my boyfriend's bestfriend Chris.  He is single and lonely :( Interested??

The Roll of Women

We were talking today in english a little bit about the rolls of women and how this one woman in the book we are reading takes care of her husband, always has dinner ready for him, takes his hat and coat when he comes home, keeps the children neat and in line, and all that traditional stoof.  My immediate reaction was, "whats wrong with that?"  I later found out that the woman wasn't happy in her roll as the traditional housewife.  I don't see why anyone wouldn't be happy doing that. . .what's wrong with it?  I find nothing wrong in keeping your husband happy, being obedient, taking care of the kids and doing all of that. . .I would happy in that roll.  I totally believe that is what my roll is supposed to be. . .I don't know. . .just thought I would add something about that on here. . .