Thursday, July 15, 2010

The Walls part II

I kinda wanted to add to the last post I just made. . .I wanted to add some thoughts about it.  I honestly didn't realize that I had built a wall, not until yesterday.  I didn't realize that I was making it so I was incapable to really feel anything.  Before, I used to let myself feel everything. . .was it a bad thing?  Well as most of you know I went from one very long, beautiful, relationship to the second.  The first ended with me saying goodbye and regretting it with every essence of my being after, the second ended in my world crashing down.  After that. . .I didn't want to feel.  I dated without any intent of it going any where, which is something I never used to do and don't even feel right about doing, I got bored really fast with the different people I dated because I refused to let myself trust them or feel anything for them.  Thats not the type of person I am, and it wasn't until just a few days ago that I realized thats what I've been doing.  I'm one of the most sincere people in the world.  People always tell me that you should play hard to get with guys, and act as if you're not really interested because they want what they can't have.  Well, as a lot of you already know, I CAN'T DO THAT!!! It is seriously impossible.  Well. . .maybe not impossible because I guess thats pretty much what I've been doing for the last few months subconsciously.  A lot of the guys that I dated, if they liked me. . .I got scared and ran away.  In other cases, I refused to trust them.  But I'm the type of person that normally can't hide how I feel, and I'm an honest and sincere person so I will tell you.  People tell me thats the wrong way to be.  My mother tells me I shouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve like that because thats how I always get hurt.  I think, I would rather be sincere and be myself and have someone fall for me that way, then play head games like "hard to get."  Yesterday was when I really noticed how much of a wall I had built up and how I had been acting since Tim and I split up. . .I didn't like it.  I mean, I don't want to get hurt again, and I'm scared of letting someone in again.  So the wall is still there. . .but its coming down a grain of sand at a time.  Its hard to let someone in after all these months of keeping everyone out.  I've allowed myself to feel things lately. . .and its nice.  Its nice to like someone, and to begin to trust someone.  The walls are still up. . .but maybe, just maybe in a few months to a year they will come down and someone can get inside.  What they do to it is up to them. 

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