Hehe

I wanted to go out. . .this is what I get lol.  Thats me in the middle, Tim is the one that looks angry that I am licking, and his bestfriend Chris is the one that looks constipated :D lol

Nov 6th

Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of the worst day of my life.  It was the anniversary of my cousin's death, a day I will never forget.  A big part of me died that day with her, and I haven't really been the same since.  I left school a little early to go to the cemetary because its an hour early and I wanted to make sure I got there before dark.  Tim went with me and I brought a candle to leave on her grave.  It was all decorated with flowers and candles, it looked very nice for such a horrible place.  It reminded me of some of the pain I have been avoiding for a long time and I broke down crying.  It still hurts a lot especially because I don't feel like Jessie is here with me anymore, at least not like I used to.  I know she is there, I just don't feel as connected to her.  When I got back in the truck I decided to call her mom, but the number I had was old, so I called her grandmother and spoke to her for a little while.  I told her that I loved her and she was in my thoughts and prayers.  We spoke for a few minutes and both cried on the phone.  We talked about Cory (Jessie's little sister that was also in the accident that is paralyzed) and that hurt me a lot.  I realized that I really need to see her and be there for her.  I got Lori's new number, but got the voicemail so I left one.  I broke down crying even more in the drunk, my heart was breaking.  Tim held me close, but I could tell it was kind of awkward for him because he didn't really know what to do in that situation, and that is fine. . .it was just nice to have him there holding me.  I miss my cousin so much, not a day goes by that I don't think about her and what happened.  I think a part of me still blames myself for not being able to help and save her like I thought I had.  It still breaks my heart that I didn't get to say goodbye.  I can't believe its only been 2 years, it seems like so much longer, but at the same time it seems like it was just yesterday. 

My Heart. . .

Love makes my heart beat faster and slower.
It beats faster when I hear your voice
when I feel your warmth
when I see your face
when I taste your mouth
when I smell your lust.
My heart races when I think about you near me,
holding me,
kissing me,
loving me.

It beats slower when you're away,
when I know I can't see you,
hear you,
feel you,
smell you,
or taste you.
When I remember that I am yours forever, it slows down and makes forever last.
It sometimes skips a beat at thought of our future.

You are my future, my life, my love. . .my everything. 


*I won't forget what is most important*

Love. . .

The petals may fall
The leaves may change
The sun may set,
but I still love you.

The wind may change,
The years may pass,
The tears may drip,
but I am still in love with you.

My breathing may slow
Your heart may stop
The end may come,
but I will always love you.

"Seasons may change,
winter to spring,
but I love you,
until the end of time."

Forever is now,
The end is never,
for my love for you will never die,
not now. . .not ever ♥♥♥

Things That Just Make Me Think. . .

I forgot to write about this a few weeks ago, but its been on my mind.  I was driving out to Chris's house to pick up my cactus when an elderly woman was in the middle of the road trying to push a riding lawn mower.  I got out and asked if she needed help. . .I tried to drive the thing across the road but I have no freaking clue how to work those things, so I helped her push it.  She told me that she was 90 and "couldn't do those sort of things anymore."  Then she said that when she was in need, god had sent her an angel (meaning me).  It made me think and its been on my mind.  All I did was help her push a lawn mower across the street, it wasn't all that big of a thing, but she explained it as god sending her an angel to help her.  This was similar to the time I had been waiting at the highschool for the bus, I think I was a sophomore and I had a wrist brace on for my tendonitis and this girl who is mentally disabled came up to me and asked what was wrong with my wrist.  A few weeks prior her mother's boyfriend had sexually assaulted her.  She didn't understand so she went around telling everyone what had happened and she moved a few weeks after.  But when I explained to her what was wrong with my wrist she said that she was sorry and she would pray for me.  A girl, who was mentally disabled and had just been raped by her mothers boyfriend was going to keep me in her prayers because my wrist was hurting. . .Things like this make me think and have an effect on me.  Like when I went to my cousins funeral, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do.  All I did was cry, and a huge chunk of me died.  When I walked up to the casket, my aunt was there giving hugs to everyone that came to the funeral.  When I gave her a hug she held me close in her arms and we both cried very hard and she told me that SHE wished SHE could take all MY pain away. . .Her daughter was dead and it was the funeral for her, her other daughter was in a coma and would never walk again, and her son had a broken leg, but she wanted to take all my pain away.  Her words still ring in my ears.  These are the reasons I believe in god.  These are the things that make me think and make me know there is something good and better than all of this.  This is just something I've been thinking about for a while so I thought I would share it with y'all. 

Another Nightmare

I had another nightmare last night, this one was very much different than all the other ones I've had.  I dreamed that Chris was following me, I was never out of his site and every chance he got he would rape me.  One time, when I tried to fight him and get away he beat me in the face with a shovel and knocked all my teeth out.  Other people knew what was going on, but they couldn't do anything.  The cops couldn't catch him for some reason so they more or less didn't try anymore.  He would sleep in my car, and follow me to work and school.  He threatened me everyday and I was so petrified.  This dream confuses me because I was never scared of Chris or felt threatened by him.  He isn't that type of person so I'm not sure where that dream came from.  All I know is I woke up crying again and it has been bothering me every day.  I'm so sick and tired of having nightmares all the time and being scared like this. . .its sucks. 

Paranormal Activity

Well I went on a double date with my boyfriend and his bestfriend and his girlfriend to see Paranormal Activity.  It was a pretty good movie, I've never screamed so loud in a movie theatre.  My boyfriend made it worse because he kept building up the suspense by saying things like "Oh, watch this" or "This is my favorite part" so he has some gashes in his arms and legs from me holding on and getting scared.  The only thing I didn't like about the movie was it made me dizzy at some points because of how they were holding/moving the camera.  I've heard mixed stories on if the movie is real or not, but I know things like this DO happen, which makes it all the more scary.  But I did like the movie, I think its funny that my boyfriend and his bestfriend who are both over 18 and are joining the army next month were all paranoid and scared, it makes me giggle. 

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!

I hate

I hate being heartbroken, crying for no reason, being lonely, when people are mad at me, getting hurt, when people die, being sick, being cold, rap, people that just don't care, rude people, rapists, child molestors, murderers, people that hurt others intentionally, being told to be quiet, being yelled at, bad days, bad hair days, bad haircuts, bad pictures, busy signals, red lights, dumb jokes, dumb movies, when my car won't start, liars, haters, posers, cheaters, icy roads, funerals, death, pain, agony, sadness, spinach, hot food, getting burned, getting soap in my eyes, getting water up my nose, being told no, headaches, i hate most of the same things that everyone else hates.

I love

I love roses, carnations, the moon, stars, an open sky, hearing the rain on the roof, watching thunderstorms on the porch, kissing in the rain and getting soaked, laying on your chest and hearing your heartbeat, feeling your warmth when I lay next to you, warm hugs, passionate kisses, making people laugh, seeing children smile, big families, music, opera, classical, rock, metal, country, pop, hip hop, dancing, singing, reading, writing, painting, drawing, playing the violin, acting, being weird, being eccentric, learning new things, living, breathing, enjoying life, loving people, being loved, touching lives, experiencing new things, meeting new people, dancing in the moon light, laughing with friends, traveling, holding hands, first dates, hellos, being happy, cookies, eggplant, my dad's baking, my mom's cooking, things that shine, the color red, broccoli, summer, days off, halloween, puppies, kittens, taking pictures, blogging, making money, shopping, spending money, shoes, purses, jewlry, playing games, I love life, being me, and being happy. And of course, I love you Timothy Evan Manchester Jr. ♥♥♥ Don't ever forget that.