My Essay

I wrote an essay today for a scholarship.  The assignment was to write about an experience that impacted your life.  I, of course, wrote about my cousin.  I really liked the essay that I wrote.  I started by saying that every day is filled with experiences that impact our lives forever no matter how small or unnoticable.  Then I talked about my relationship with my cousin and how we were more like sisters.  In the car she had an accident in there was a picture and on the back it was made out ot me.  It was found after she was dead and her grandmother mailed it to me.  On the back she told me she loved me and always would and she considered me a sister.  That picture is very important to me.  I didn't talk about that in my essay but I just thought about it and thought I would share it with you.  Then, in the essay, I talked about the accident and how it affected me.  I said I would never forget the phone call, the pain, and the funeral, but I said my story has a happy ending.  I learned a lot from that experience and I've gained so much.  As a result I am a safer driver and think a little bit more about my decisions and how everything I do affects the people around me.  I had to cope with her death and that helped me to grow and I will be able to help other people in similar situations a lot better.  Her death is also what is driving me to become a psychologist so I can help people like her, or people like me.  I also said that if there is anything I want to get out of this life. . .I want to save just one person because, in my mind, saving one person is helping to save the world.  I would do anything to go back and change what happened that day and save my cousin, but because I can't I deal with the cards I'm dealt and TRY to make the best out of it. 

Surgery

Well I have my surgery in a week from tomorrow.  Am I scared?  yes.  I'm not so much scared about the surgery itself. . .well I am because my brain could leak, I could lose my vision, my eye could push out. . .etc, but I'm more scared about the pain that I'm going to be in afterward.  I'm scared because I really don't know how much pain I'm going to be in. . .is there going to be a lot of blood?  Bruising?  I'm not looking forward to that at all.  I know its supposed to make a lot of things better, like I won't get migrains anymore, and I won't have 6 sinus infections a year, and I'll be able to breath better. . .but I'm still scared.  I'm also not looking forward to be in bed for 10 days with straws up my nose.  I hope I'm all good and back to normal come time for graduation.  Ughhh. . .wish me luck and come visit me when I'm all blahhh

I'll Be There

I want you to know that I'm here.  You can put me away, and hide me in the floor boards if you want.  Or keep me in a secret drawer.  You can bury me beside the old willow tree, or just keep me in your pocket.  But I want you to know when you decide to look for me again, or you feel that you need me, I will be right where you left me.  I may not be the same.  The earth may have changed me, but I will always be there, and I know I will always want to listen.  No, I don't like being pushed aside, but I take it.  I take all the beatings I'm dealt and keep moving.  Why?  Hell if I know.  But I do. . .and regardless I will be here ready and waiting for when you need me, even if you've caused nothing but pain for me.  I will be there.  Comfortable like an old blanket or reliable like a memory.  I'm always there. 

Writers Block

I'm suffering from writers block.  Thats why I haven't been blogging that much lately.  I come up with decent ideas but I don't know how to word them right. . .and I don't feel very inspired at the moment.  I want to write about the weather and how beautiful it is. . .but the words don't come so all I can say is "hey look. . .its nice out."  I want to talk about how you make me feel, but you make me feel so many different emotions that if I tried to explain it. . .I would just be rambling.  I want to talk about how other people act, but I think I would offend people.  I want to tell you of the various thoughts that run through my head. . .but they move so fast that I can't catch them.  I just lack the words to descrive all of these things in an eloquent manner.  I hate writers block.  Some body send me some inspiration. 

If My Heart Was a House - Owl City ♥

You're the sky that I fell through
And I remember the view
Whenever I'm holding you
The sun hung from a string
Looking down on the world as it warms over everything
Chills run down my spine
As our fingers entwine
And your sighs harmonize with mine
Unmistakably
I can still feel your heart beat fast when you dance with me
We got older and I should've known (Do you feel alive?)
That I'd feel colder when I walk alone (Oh, but you'll survive)
So I may as well ditch my dismay
Bombs away, bombs away

Circle me and the needle moves gracefully
Back and forth
If my heart was a compass you'd be north
Risk it all cause I'll catch you if you fall
Wherever you go
If my heart was a house you'd be home

It makes me smile because you said it best
I would clearly feel blessed if the sun rose up from the west
Flower balm perfume, all my clothes smell like you
Cause your favorite shade is navy blue
I walk slowly when I'm on my own (Do you feel alive?)
Yeah, but frankly I still feel alone (Oh, but you'll survive)
So I may as well ditch my dismay
Bombs away, bombs away

Circle me and the needle moves gracefully
Back and forth
If my heart was a compass you'd be north
Risk it all cause I'll catch you if you fall
Wherever you go
If my heart was a house you'd be home

If my heart was a house you'd be home

Oh Who Knows

I hate it, I get inspired during the day about something really good that I want to write about on my blog and then when I sit down to write it I FORGET!! I had a great something I wanted to write about maturity and holding grudges and life. . .but I lost it!  All I can say is life is too short to hold grudges so give it up.  It takes too much of your own energy and only frustrates you more.  Thats just me.  I don't hold grudges.  Life is too short for me to worry that much about someone.  I tell them what I have to say and then I move on.  I think its immature to keep bringing things up and holding on to things so that the other person can't move on either.  Is that person really that important that you can't let it go?  If I really don't want anything to do with someone. . .I just let them go.  I'll always be civil just because of who I am. . .but I can't hold a grudge.  I don't remember all the metaphores and what not I was going to use for this. . .but I think that was the basic message.  Sorry it isn't pretty lol. 

Dear Teanna

This is a blog dedicated to my sister Teanna.

HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY OLD WOMAN!!!! ♥♥♥♥


The End

PowerLifting :)

I went with Kyle this weekend to his Powerlifting competition. . .it was interesting.  I loved spending time with Kyle, we talked and laughed a lot and had fun.  The competion was 9 hours long and it was just a bunch of muscular men lifting heavy stuff lol.  I enjoyed watching it, I was interested.  I'm not sure if fun is the word to describe the competion because I sat in a very uncomfortable chair for 9 hours watching men break blood vessels in their heads lol but I enjoyed myself.  I was a little upset that Kyle didn't introduce me to his friends at all. . .but whatever.  The competition was in Johnston Rhode Island and it was a 4 hour drive to get there.  It was a very pretty drive and it was filled with polka music and long conversations.  Thank you Kyle for taking me with you ♥♥♥

Surgery

Well I went to the doctor today for my headaches and sinuses.  I found out I have to have surgery.  I have a deviated septum, a sist in one of my sinuses, and my sinuses are clogged.  I have to have a septoplasty and endoscopic sinus surgery.  My surgery is schedualed June 10th.  Its going to last about 2 and a half hours and they're going to put me under.  I'm going to be out of commission for about 10 days following which means I'm going to miss my senior trip.  They have to put splints up my nose and I have to go on the 17th to have them taken out.  I'm going to be in a lot of pain and I am not looking forward to it at all.  The doctor was explaining some of the things that could go wrong during the surgery.  They're going to be operating really close to my brain and some of the parts of my eye.  He said something about fluid from my brain leaking or losing my vision :0  Wish me luck. . .its supposed to fix everything. . .I hope so. 

Just an Update

Well I think i've fought through the worst part of the storm.  I'm not feeling as depressed, which believe it or not was a result of a conversation I had with Ryan a few days before we broke up.  Cassie and I are friends again which makes me happy and takes a lot of stress off of me.  Its so much easier to love her than to avoid her.  Love you Cassie ♥♥♥  I'm done with my AP English Test and I think I did really well.  Things are starting to settle down again and I'm doing okay.  I haven't had a nightmare in 4 days :) which is a record for me.  I'm still stressing about paying for college especially because I am, somehow, getting $1,000 less than I was originally getting (wtf?!?!) but I'm accepted and I'm going to make it work somehow.  I'm going to sell my car because I can't use it for a few years and I'll use that money to help pay for college.  Its a 95 tan Honda accord. . .wagon :P with like 64,000 miles on it.  Its a good car :) I think we're selling it for like $3500.  The weather is beautiful and for the most part things are good.  I think i've made it out of this slump :)  Sometimes I get scared though when a lot of bad shit happens to me.  For some reason I feel like a target and I just keep getting hit with more stuff that I have to deal with like not having my real father, my cousin dying, Jack dying, Adam dying, multiple family members dying, my grandma being ill, my domestic family issues, school, issues with friends, relationship drama. . .everything.  I get scared because I wonder if I'm going to grow immune to it.  If this keeps happening am I just not going to hurt anymore?? Is it a good thing not to hurt?  I'm not sure if I would rather be immune to pain or feel it. . .and if I'm immune to pain, will I eventually grow immune to happiness as well??  I'm a pretty happy, upbeat person for the most part, but I've dealt with a lot and faced a lot of challenges.  I always try to be optimistic and see the good in every situation but after a while that gets hard and thats when I get myself into some of these slumps.  I just hope I can go a few months w/o anything really bad happening or a bunch of little things all happening at once.  :) I would much rather be happy.