Tuesday, April 5, 2011

The Truth

I want to be completely honest about something.  First I was completely honest with myself. . .now I want to share it.  Once upon a time, I had a boyfriend.  We were young and dumb, but I thought I knew it all.  I thought because I had more experience than him that I knew what I was doing, and it was my job to teach him.  I thought I understood relationships inside and out.  I thought I knew what it meant to be a a "good" girlfriend and/or boyfriend.  I was wrong.  I was very wrong.  Looking back I was a terrible girlfriend to him, and he was an amazing boyfriend.  At the time, I didn't see it.  I didn't realize how special and rare he was.  I also didn't realize how shitty of a girlfriend I was being and took advantage of him.  You never realize what you have until its gone, and its too late.  No one is perfect, but that is no justification.  I didn't open my eyes until it was too late. . .and then when we broke up I hurt him really bad.  I don't want to go into detail because that is something quite personal, but I did something to him to intentionally hurt him.  To this day I don't know why, and I feel so guilty, but I can't take it back.  I broke his heart in ways I can't even understand, and I was malicious about it.  I'm not that type of person now, and I wasn't then either.  I don't know why, or what came over me at the time, but all I can say is I regret it very much and I am very sorry.  Not only did I hurt someone that I love but I lost my bestfriend.  He remained my friend for a while even after I did what I did, but then one day he decided he was going to hate me for the rest of his life.  No apology will every fix what I did, and there is no way for me to show it. . .he won't let me and I can't really say that I blame him.  He will never see this blog, but its here.  I'm not posting it as another attempt at an apology, I'm posting it to say I didn't open my eyes.  I thought I knew it all. . .when I didn't.  I was an ass hole, a shitty girlfriend, I was selfish, and I lost probably the best person I ever had in my life. . .and I don't even know why I acted and did the things I did.  Pretty stupid huh?  Again, I'm not doing it as an apology, this is my advice to you. . .communicate with everyone you love, be honest with yourself and each other, live and love like each day is your last because you could lose them.  Tomorrow they could be gone for good, and they'll never really know how you actually felt.  They'll never know how sorry you really are.  They'll never know how much of an ass you feel like.  They'll never know the empty space in your heart and life that has grown now that they are gone and its all because you didn't do something as simple as show them how you really feel and make damn sure they know it.  If I could turn back time I would have done a lot of things differently, but I can't.  So please, take my advice and I'll try to do the same.  To live and love like today is my last, you don't get second chances...
And if you are reading this by some crazy chance, I am so sorry.  I was wrong in so many ways. 

-All by Myself by Eric Carmen (I did not make this video)

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