Halloween 2011

Its ironic how halloween is my favorite holiday.  So many people have come and gone this time of year its a wonder how I can even be in the mindset to celebrate.  The one year anniversary of David's death was just the other day, and the four year anniversary of Jessie's death is fast approaching on the 6th.  I said goodbye to Chris, and hello to Tim this time of year as well.  I started work at Mercato's and withdrew from Oneonta. I got pneumonia and had my lung collapse two years ago about this time. . .same time I broke up with Chris and shortly after began my relationship with Tim.  Now I've just left the nursing program. . .and my way.  I've spent so many days in bed crying this time of year.  Despite it all, Halloween is my favorite type of year.  Perhaps its because a part of me is still just that morbid, or perhaps its the one day I can acceptably not be myself and escape.  Whatever the reason, halloween is on monday and dammit I still don't know what I want to be.  I suppose it doesn't really matter seeing as I have to work all weekend prior, and go to school the night of.  But I'm sure I'll dress up as something, even if I find it in my own closet.  Happy halloween, here's to hoping that this year. . .I won't be spending any more days in bed crying. . .just celebrating :)

It's A Long Story. . .

So, since Tim and I split up back in March I've been having a little problem.  I've been dating a lot trying to find Mr. Right and when I say a lot, I mean a lot.  The guys I went out with were either extremely socially awkward, just trying to get in my pants, boring, weren't interested in me, or the biggest problem. . .even if I should have liked them, I didn't.  After Tim and I split up I found myself pretty much incapable of having feelings for the guys I went out with.  Even if things went well and I should have liked them and had butterflies. . .I didn't.  It upset me.  Tim and I continued to talk and be friends after we split up, but we had a strange friendship.  There were still a lot of feelings there, which I guess is understandable considering we were engaged and broke up because of a series of misunderstandings.  I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but he got married to a woman he knew for about a month just before he got shipped to Afghanistan. . .so we were friends and talking, but he's married.  I think it was about two weeks ago I was talking to Tim and I told him that our friendship was unhealthy and we shouldn't continue because 1) he's married and I'm sure she wouldn't approve 2) I couldn't move on while having that sort of relationship with him.  It hurt like hell to say goodbye, and of course I cried, but the next day. . .I felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders.  I don't dislike Tim in any way, shape, or form.  I still consider him my friend.  I just couldn't continue like that, our friendship was doing me more harm than good emotionally and was keeping me from moving on.  So I knew I had made the right decision in sort of ending our communications because I felt so good about it, but I was and still am petrified that something is going to happen to him while he is in Afghanistan and I'm going to regret my decision for the rest of my life.  Anyways it was only days after I told Tim goodbye that I met Marcin. . .and for the first time since March I had butterflies.  I'm not sure if its because Marcin is a very special guy, or if its because I was finally able to cut ties with Tim and I. . .I like to think its a little of both because Marcin is definately special. 

Single

Yeah. . .believe it or not Tim and I are done.  It hurts to tell the story but I will anyways.  I went to a party last weekend.  Before going I asked Tim's permission.  He said I could go and to have fun. . .Well I did just that. . .perhaps a little too much fun.  I guess I don't know my own limits like I thought I did.  I got messed up to the point where I was sitting on the couch talking to someone that wasn't there.  I don't even remember what happened that night. I know I called Tim and I was just beyond messed up.  This worried him and he didn't sleep all night.  The next morning I apologized.  Not only for worrying him and keeping him up but also for getting so messed up.  I told him I wasn't going to get that messed up at a party again unless he was there.  I said sorry. . .he was talking to me for a while and then he said he had to go.  I didn't hear from him again, and I still haven't.  This was sunday.  Well yesterday I was on myspace and I looked at his profile. . .he had been on myspace the day before.  He hadn't talked to me since around noon on sunday.  So he could go online, but he couldn't call me or return my calls or texts or anything.  So I sent him a message on myspace saying just that and that I was done.  I changed my relationship statuses reluctantly as well as my default pictures of us together.  I made our break up "facebook official."  It hurt.  I was more angry that he couldn't bother to tell me we were done, or say he just didn't want to talk to me right now, or anything.  Well I went to go visit my grandma and when I got home he had also changed his relationship status and his picture.  He made it very obvious that he was ignoring me.  I thought he was more mature than that. . .I thought he would say something if he didn't want to be with me. . .or tell me what was going on at least, but I was wrong.  I still haven't heard from him even now that we're broken up.  His mom called me this morning and told me what happened.  She said he was upset about me getting so messed up at the party.  He didn't want to have to worry about me when I go to college and what not while he is busy in the military.  He also doesn't want to stop me from having fun.  Evidently he is still upset, but I don't know about what.  That is why he won't talk to me. . .I asked him permission to go to that party, he said yes, i apologized for getting so messed up and said I wouldn't do that again with out him being here, he told me not to apologize, I was willing to wait here while he was off in Korea or Afghanistan risking his life while I worry and cry EVERY FREAKING NIGHT. . .I was willing to sacrifice everything. . .pretty much my entire life for him.  He wasn't willing to do the same.  So I'm glad.  I'm glad we broke up in that case because 1. he obviously doesn't love me enough for me to spend the rest of my life with him. 2. he plays the "ignoring" game.  3. I'm free now.  I'm not longer tied down the army wife relationship that I was willing to do.  I don't have to do that now.  Now I can find myself a man that will appreciate me and everything I do and not make me sacrifice so much.  I can have a normal marriage to a man that is here.  I can have the wedding I wanted.  So, although it hurts, the break up is more than likely for the best.  Did I love him?  More than I can put into words.  Do I still? I probably always will because thats just how I am.  I still believe we had something special.  He was special to me.  I loved him, but I think. . .in the back of my mind. . .I knew it wasn't going to work out.  I couldn't talk to him. . .he got angry at the littlest of things and he told his family EVERYTHING I told him.  I was lonely and depressed always. . .so its probably for the best.  It hurts still, I still cry and miss him. . .but I'm going to be okay.  Just have to continue my search for the real "one". 

Our Song ♥

and if for whatever reason you can't view it on here, here is the link : Two is Better Than One

♥♥♥

Here are some more pix of Timmer that he either sent me or I took myself. 

I love this boy with all my heart and soul.  The only thing I would change is that he is so far away.  I would do anything to be like all my friends and be able to see and talk to their boyfriends when ever they please (except Cassie who is in a similar boat because her lover is in college in VA) Cant wait to be Jocelyn Marisa Manchester ♥♥♥

My Visit With Tim

Well I'm back home from my trip to Missouri.  I only got to see my fiance for about 7.5 hours but I loved every second.  I got to touch him and kiss him and that is what mattered the most.  He looked so sexi in his uniform. . .Class A's. . .is that what they are called?? Well anyways he looked amazing.  Kissing him. . .omg it took my breath away.  Well his mom encouraged us to spend some "special alone time" in the bathroom *wink wink* which was right off of the hotel room (awkward) but we did. . .it was. . .fun haha.  He is just so sexi and I am so in love with him.  I get to talk to him just about every day now which makes me very happy, its the next best thing to seeing him.  The thing about our relationship. . .when i see him for the first time after a long wait its like falling in love at first sight every time.  When I have to go months at a time without seeing him, the moment that I do. . .I can't even put it into words what I feel.  My heart skips a beat and I'm instantly reminded of how much he means to me, and I swear I fall even more in love with him every time.  The bad thing. . .the good byes.  After falling even more in love with him and barely being able to breath every second I spend with him. . .my heart breaks.  I have to say goodbye and know that I won't see him again for a long time.  Do you know what that feels like?? Again. . .lack of words.  My heart breaks.  I can't choke back the tears, they just pour out.  But I swear it makes every moment I have with him that much better, and it makes the next meeting that much more special.  Our love is special because its always new.  Our time together is special because its so rare.  That is why I want to marry him, because Tim and I share something so special and so emotional. . .and I hate that I can't be with him every day, but absense makes the heart grow stronger and without the pain, I couldn't feel compassion. . .our relationship proves this. 

Timothy Evan Manchester Jr.  I love you more than anything.  You and me forever ♥

Tim

These were some pictures from when he came home for christmas, I just hadn't posted them.  :D

Valentines Day

So that very special holiday is coming up where you're supposed to show the one you love how much they mean to you.  It's not a bad thought seeing as most people don't show each other how much they mean on a daily basis.  I don't get to see my fiance on this special day but I do get to see him a few days later.  How do I show him how much he means to me?  How does anyone?  My friends mean the world and more to me.  I can't give them the world.  I love Tim in ways I can't even express. . .how do you show someone that?  This is where the phrase "its the thought that counts" comes in lol.  I think Tim already knows how much he means to me.  I know how much I mean to him and I only get to speak to him once a week. . .I still know.  I sometimes question how my friends feel, but for the most part I know they love me and I think they know that I love them.  Regardless, I think its a nice gesture to try and go out of your way to show it.  I got Tim a card, one of those that you open and theres music.  He likes those because he's in boot camp and everyone laughs.  I want to get him more but it is so hard to buy stuff for a guy especially when hes in boot camp.  I would get him candy, but he probably won't eat it for obvious reasons (training).  I would get him a teddy bear (is that gay?) but he wouldnt be able to really have it until march because they're not allowed to have possessions.  I know when I see him, I'm going to give him the biggest kiss and hug anyone has ever gotten.  That will be the best valentines gift for me.  Just to hug him again.  Thats all I want. 

9 days

In 9 days I will be in Missouri.  In 9 days I get to hug him.  In 9 days I get to kiss him.  In 9 days I am going to burst into tears at the sight of him.  In 9 days I get to see the man I fell in love with months ago graduate from boot camp.  In 9 days I get to see the love of my life for the first time in over a month.  I've had a lot of mixed feelings about seeing him.  Every army girlfriend knows exactly what I mean by this.  Every time you see your guy for the first time in a long time you wonder: Is he going to be the same?  Will he still love me like he used to?  What do I wear? lol I'm serious about the last one too.  I know that every time I see him after not seeing him for an extended time I feel like I have to get reaquainted with him.  Like I have to get to know him again.  So far he's been the same each time, and he always loves me more than the last.  Its easy to get back in the swing of things which makes good bye that much harder.  This probably won't be the case when he gets deployed. . .I don't think he will be truely the same.  He told me the day he came back the last time that for every soldier there is an even stronger woman waiting back at home.  I have to be that stronger woman. . .its hard. 

My Ring

Well I figured out why i've been procrastinating with getting my engagement ring resized. . .its because I don't want to take it off and be separated from it. I haven't taken it off even for a second since I've gotten it and thought of not having it for a week or more haunts me.  Its hard to explain but its like. . .its something that I have from Tim and its special and when he's not here its all I have to hold on to.  I miss him like hell and at the moment the sweatshirt he gave me is at his mothers house and so the ring is all I have aside from his letters and the pictures I took.  Not only that but the ring is a symbol of our love, and our relationship.  God I miss him.  I have dreams of him surprising me and coming home and when I see him I just jump into his arms and bawl my eyes out. . .and then I wake up and remember he's not here and Its going to be about 3 more weeks before I go to Missouri to see him. . .I hate it.  It hurts so much not being able to see him let alone talk to him.  I just keep telling myself that if we can get through this it will make our relationship so much stronger and we will be able to get through just about anything.  Its not easy.  Its one of the hardest things I've put myself through, but as I've said before. . .he's more than worth it. 

I love this song

Lyrics to Two Is Better Than One :


I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life and I thought
"Hey, you know, this could be something"

'Cause everything you do and words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing

So maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two is better than one

I remember every look upon your face
The way you roll your eyes
The way you taste
You make it hard for breathing

'Cause when I close my eyes and drift away
I think of you and everything's okay
I'm finally now believing

That maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two is better than one
Yeah, yeah

I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life and I thought, "Hey,"

maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone

And I'm thinking
I can't live without you
'Cause, baby, two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
But I'll figure it out
When all is said and done
Two is better than one
Two is better than one
 
 
~I love this song by Boys Like Girls. . .I asked Timmer (in a letter with the lyrics) if it could be our song. . .so I just have to wait about 8 days to hear the result. . .lol

Wedding Plans Part I

Well. . .being the female that I am I changed my mind.  No, I didn't change my mind about marrying Tim so stop thinking that right now.  I changed my mind about the colors I want.  Well sort of.  I kind of just decided that I dont want to have pale blue and pale green as my colors anymore.  I know that I want just one color and white.  I want to simplify things a bit.  I spoke to Tim a while ago on the phone and he wants me to wear a white dress. . .a white dress.  Well I think everyone knows that you're only supposed to wear a white dress if you're a virgin. . .I am NOT a virgin.  I tried to explain this to him but he wouldn't listen.  He said I could wear a white dress with some sort of colored accent or something. . .I don't know how the rules apply to that, but I will do what I can.  I tried to tell him that I can wear an off white dress, but for whatever reason he REALLY wants me to wear a white dress.  We'll see.  I was talking to my darling Gabby today about changing the colors.  We were discussing having midnight blue and white.  What do you think?  Any input?

My Ex

So Chris. . .as in my ex. . .so much I want to say, but. . .lack of words.  As of right now he is not speaking to me.  Why?  I haven't the slightest clue.  All I know is he's upset that I'm engaged and he stopped talking to me after he found out.  He tried telling my bestfriend that I cheated on him. . .never happened.  He tried saying that the only reason I'm engaged to Timothy is because he wouldn't take me back. . .not true.  I will admit I have loved Chris since the day we met, I will always love Chris, why?  I have no freaking clue.  I just know I always will.  I never told Chris I wanted to get back with him.  Sure, the thought crossed my mind while Tim and I were having problems, but I never said it out loud and I was never going to actually get back together or ask him to get back together with me because I know we just don't work anymore.  We can't be together for whatever reason, so I wasn't going to try.  I never told him that though.  I understand that for a while was back and forth with what I was going to do with Tim, yes I was confused.  When he came home, that night we sat up in bed at like 3:30 in the morning talking about us.  Before I said anything, he asked me what I thought about him getting out of the military.  We talked about it.  He wants to get out of the military for me and his family.  While he held me, I realized how much he loved me.  He didn't have to say it, I could feel it, I could see it in his eyes and feel it when he held me and kissed me.  I was amazing that anyone could love me like that and I felt like the luckiest girl on the planet.  I got engaged to him because I love him and because he is probably one of the most amazing people I have ever met and I just so happen to be the lucky girl he fell for.  He said he wanted to get out of the military, not only for me, but still I was part of the reason.  Thats when I realized well if he's willing to do that for me, I can wait for him.  Thats exactly what I'm doing.  Waiting.  I didn't get engaged because I couldn't have someone else, thats stupid.  I know I was unsure before, but I know more than anything that he is everything I want and I will wait the rest of my life if I have to just for him.  I'm not perfect, I make mistakes, but he knows about everything.  I told him what was going on with me and we talked about it. 
Chris, I dont know why you're mad at me. . .I did nothing to you.  I don't know why you're telling people I cheated on you, I loved you soo much when we were together I never would have cheated on you, I never had time, we were together almost constantly.  Stop being immature. 
The thing that hurt me. . .I realized the other day that I was no longer friends on facebook with his stepmom, dad, or brother. . .did Chris say something to them for them to not like me?  Did they just not want to be in the middle of this?  That hurt me because I loved his family soo much. . .I dont know what happened.  :(

Timothy

Well my lovely Timmer went to this church event thing today and was able to have his phone all day :D So I got to talk to him a bunch.  We discussed a lot of things and I am really happy that we're on the same page.  We are going through the same thing and thinking about the same things, and it kinda makes me feel better knowing that.  I can't really go into too much detail at the moment because I'm not sure what I'm allowed to say so I don't get him in trouble.  But we're trying to fix the problem at hand.  I always feel so much better after talking to him, I fell reassured that its going to be okay and how much he means to me.  I love this boy and I seriously have since the first time we met.  I don't know if he realizes how much he means to me just like I might not realize how much I mean to him. . .but I know what we have is special.  He makes me care about things and people. . .when I normally wouldn't and would just give up.  He makes me want to live.  He's probably the one thing that keeps me going when I don't want to or don't think I can.  So whats wrong with that?  If I'm happy and safe.  Thats right. . .nothing.  I know myself better than anyone else and I know when something is good for me.  Timothy Evan Manchester Jr. is very good for me :D

I miss him

I get depressed a lot. . .and really easily.  I hate that he is so far away.  I hate not being able to talk to him or even touch him.  It makes me sad.  I know he is worth and and when this is all done its going to be amazing, but for the time being it sucks so badly.  He broke his nose :( I'm sad because I can't be there to kiss him and make it feel better.  I'm sad because he's not here to make me feel better.  I'm getting more and more disinterested in planning a wedding because I haven't the slightest clue when we're going to be able to have it.  I mean, I want to marry him, and I love him to death. . .but I'm depressed.  As time goes by I seem to be getting more and more apathedic about everything.  I just don't care anymore.  I just want to give up.  Nothing seems worth it anymore. . .I don't feel strongly about anything anymore.  Somewhere along the lines I've lost myself, and its NOT because of Tim.  This has been happening for a long time and now its just getting worse. . .Maybe I will just evaporate into nothing. . .

Christmas

Well christmas was both a good and bad holiday for me.  I'm not much of a christmas person to begin with, but its okay.  This christmas I got a Garmin GPS, a new cd/radio player thinger for my car, crocs with fur, and the entire first season of the Golden girls.  I got other stuff too but thats the major stuff :D Well later that afternoon I decided to go visit my friend Martin because he is in the Navy, stationed near by, and his family is in Michigan.  He had no one to spend christmas with and I dont like it when people spend holidays alone so I went and spent a little time with him and brought him some cookies I had made.  I was only gone for like 2 hours and my mom freaked out because I hadn't called home to find out what time dinner was going to be. . .yes i understand its christmas, but really?  we weren't doing anything special and to me. . .this was very important.  I'm supposed to be considerate of everyone all the time. . .how about someone be considerate of me once in a while when there is something this significant and important to me. . .she couldn't have asked me to be home at a certain time?  I don't know. . .caused a bunch of drama but I don't regret what I did.  I was trying to do something nice and be there for someone else.  Oh well.  So that night I spent with Tim and we had a nice night :D

So much!

Well I haven't had time to really write in quite a while and soo much has happened, I don't even know where to start. Well Tim came home December 18th and as soon as I was in his arms again I knew there was no way I could ever leave him. I told him how I had been feeling and thinking about leaving him and he told me some things I don't believe I'm at liberty to post on here, but he helped me to make my decision to stay with him and get through all of this because I love him soo much. He was. . .er is willing to make a lot of sacrifices for me because of how much he loves me so I am willing to wait for him and make these sacrifices for him because of how much he means to me. Most of you all ready know, but for those of you that don't. . .as of December 27th I am no longer Timmer's girlfriend, I am now his fiance :D

This isn't the best picture of the ring but you get the idea and I will upload more in the future.  We were in a rush to go somewhere, I don't remember where we were going anymore, but I know we were running late.  He is late for everything!  I was trying to push him out the door more or less, so he got down to tie his shoe (on one knee) and I was telling him to hurry up.  He then lifted the ring box and asked me to marry him, and I of course said yes.  We aren't sure on a date yet, but we're thinking October.  Its hard because we don't know when he's going to get leave and for how long.  I stayed at his house almost the entire time he was home, mainly because of some drama at my house, and I had an amazing time with him.  I loved every minute of it.  He makes me happy.  He is very good to me, and I always feel comfortable and safe with him.  So yes, we're getting married and I will, in fact, be changing my name again.  I promise to update you all on all wedding plans and what not as they get done.  So far we have decided that the wedding colors are going to be pale blue and pale green.  Since I am unable to wear a white dress (hehe) I am going to wear a pale blue dress with a green bouquet.  My bridesmaids are going to wear pale green dresses, the groomsmen are wearing black tuxes with pale green vests and ties, and yes. . .we are all wearing crocs ;) My amazing friend Gabby Tripsas has been helping me out everyday with the planning and I love her to death for it.  All my girlfriends have been helping out a lot so far, thanks guys ♥

My Sexi Timmer ♥♥♥

check out my mans sexi body mm mm mm :D lol

his fly was undone lol

Depressed. . .

I've been feeling really depressed since late last night, and its carried over into today.  I didn't sleep very well last night because I have so much on my mind and I've been in such a fog all day today.  I feel like I'm standing in the woods with two paths in front of me. both flourished with flowers and beauty but i see a rain cloud in the distance. which path will keep me dry and safe? which path will be more fun? Most of all. . .which path is the right path?  Its never good when I start thinking and thats what I've been doing since last night.  I wonder if what I'm doing is right and I try to think about all possible outcomes and it just depresses me.  I love my boyfriend very much, but at the same time I feel so alone.  Its hard to explain, but I'm trying.  I feel so detached from everyone lately.  I've been too busy to hang out with my friends, work, school, theatre are all I have time for and I feel so overwhelmed.  I just want to cry.  Last night when I was with Tim, we had to go over to his bestfriends house who Tim lives with most of the time.  While we were there Tim told me I could look at his cell phone but he warned me that he had nudey pix of his ex and old text messages.  He hadn't deleted them because his phone is shut off atm and so he hasn't used it really since they were together.  I didn't mind though because I know they are broken up and he is with me now and its all good.  But seeing the pictures of her and reading the texts really got to me.  I didn't say anything because there is nothing to say.  I have no clue why I feel this way, but I do.  I feel awful.  It has been eating at me and I really just need to get it out.  Why is it bothering me so badly?  Its not like he is cheating on me or anything.  I know he loves me.  I've had ex boyfriends, and I understand he has ex girlfriends. . .I dont get it.  ugh I hate feeling like this and being so depressed. 

Hehe

I wanted to go out. . .this is what I get lol.  Thats me in the middle, Tim is the one that looks angry that I am licking, and his bestfriend Chris is the one that looks constipated :D lol