Jessie's 21st Birthday

I'm a little late posting about this, seeing as her birthday was on January 4th, but I didn't know what to say.  Cj, Cyndi, and I went to the cemetery, like I normally do, to celebrate her birthday.  We were only there a few minutes before another car pulled up behind us. . .and it was her mother.  I hadn't seen Lori since the funeral, and had only spoken to her maybe twice since.  It was awkward.  I was embarrassed.  There were so many things I wanted to say, but couldn't.  I didn't know what to say or do, so we just left.  I hugged her and said hello, but that was all I could really manage.  It was painful, though I'm not completely sure why.  Perhaps it just stirred up some old feelings.  I haven't posted about this yet because I still don't know what to say other than it was an awkward and painful experience that I wish I could go back and redo.
I can't believe Jessie would have been 21. . .in my memory she will always be 16.  I wish she was still here for us to celebrate our birthdays' together like we did when we were little.  I miss you Jess.  RIP. 1/4/91-11/06/07

4 Years. . .

Mood: Reminiscent 

Weather:  Chilly but otherwise a nice day :)

I can't believe its been 4 years.  November 6th, tomorrow, will be 4 years since the day Jessie died.  Its always been a hard day for me. . .and quite honestly probably always will be.  This day changed my life. . .and I will never be the same.  For those of you that don'e know, Jessica Canfield was my cousin.  She was almost exactly a year older than me and we were best friends.  We grew up together and November 6th, 2007 she was taken from me.  My cousin, her little sister, and Jessie's best friend all skipped school and were driving through the town of Florida. . .she over turned and then over corrected and hit a tractor trailer head on.  Her best friend broke her leg.  Her little sister, who was 11 at the time. . .was nearly cut in half by her seat belt and is now confined to a wheel chair because she is paralyzed from the waste down.  When I got that phone call that night. . .a part of me died, and an even bigger part of me died when I saw her laying in a box. . .motionless at the funeral 6 days later.  Tomorrow will be 4 years. . .4 years.  That's 1461 days.  She was like a sister to me and I miss her very much.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. . .and remember her.  I am going to the cemetery tomorrow, I go at least twice every year, on the anniversary and on her birthday.  I love you and miss you to death Jess.  I wish you were here with me. . .there is so much I want to tell you.  I want you to meet Jack, and CJ.  I want my best friend back.  RIP Jess <3 

Halloween 2011

Its ironic how halloween is my favorite holiday.  So many people have come and gone this time of year its a wonder how I can even be in the mindset to celebrate.  The one year anniversary of David's death was just the other day, and the four year anniversary of Jessie's death is fast approaching on the 6th.  I said goodbye to Chris, and hello to Tim this time of year as well.  I started work at Mercato's and withdrew from Oneonta. I got pneumonia and had my lung collapse two years ago about this time. . .same time I broke up with Chris and shortly after began my relationship with Tim.  Now I've just left the nursing program. . .and my way.  I've spent so many days in bed crying this time of year.  Despite it all, Halloween is my favorite type of year.  Perhaps its because a part of me is still just that morbid, or perhaps its the one day I can acceptably not be myself and escape.  Whatever the reason, halloween is on monday and dammit I still don't know what I want to be.  I suppose it doesn't really matter seeing as I have to work all weekend prior, and go to school the night of.  But I'm sure I'll dress up as something, even if I find it in my own closet.  Happy halloween, here's to hoping that this year. . .I won't be spending any more days in bed crying. . .just celebrating :)

Happy Birthday Jessie

So today would have been Jessie's 20th birthday.  For those of you that haven't been reading my blog for very long, Jessie is my cousin and she passed away November 6, 2007 in a car accident.  We were very close and her death has had a HUGE impact on my life. . .I go to the cemetary twice a year: November 6th and January 4th.  This year. . .I almost forgot her birthday.  I remember thinking about it towards the end of december, but somehow it slipped my mind until last night.  I started bawling when I remembered because I hated myself for nearly forgetting.  I am petrified of forgetting her. . .I guess I still haven't let go and I'm not sure I ever will or if I even can.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about her and remember her. . .not a day goes by that it still doesn't hurt.  There are still days that I cry when I think of her and when it hurts so bad I have to drag myself out of bed in the morning.  I'm not sure its ever going to be REALLY okay. . .but I'm not even sure I would ever want it to be.  I don't want to forget her.  I don't want to lose her in a sense. . .I feel like if it started to really be okay, that would mean I was forgetting her and she was drifting into the back of my memory. . .I don't want that.  I want to remember her.  I still remember the sound of her voice and her smile and her laugh. . .oh Jessie, I miss you like hell and love you so much.  I wish you were still here with me.  Rest in Peace hun. 

3 Years

So yesterday was the 3 year anniversary of the worst day of my life (a.k.a Jessie's death).  Every year on that day I go to the cemetary to talk to her, I do the same on her birthday.  I didn't cry at the cemetary like I did last year, instead I cried the entire way home.  It still hurts.  It's still surreal.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about her and its just especially painful on the anniversary because all the memories and emotions come swooping back to haunt me.  RIP Jess, I love you. 

Funerals

So. . .I've mentioned this before, but this is a slightly different situation.  I haven't been to a funeral since November 12, 2007, not because there haven't been any that I was supposed to go to, but because I've avoided going to them.  I've had a few aunts and uncles die in the past 3 years, but I wasn't very close to them so I was able to avoid going.  I know that sounds horrible, but the last funeral I went to was for my cousin Jessie.  I'm not sure what was worse, hearing that she had died, or going to the funeral to see her family and friends. . .and her laying in a box.  As I've said probably 100 times, a big part of me died when I lost Jessie and the funeral. . .I've never been in so much pain in all of my life.  Now, people close to me can't die without it bringing back the emotions and thoughts from when Jessie died.  I feel horrible about that.  I can't deal with someones death, without having to deal with Jessie's again.  I bring this up again because, as you know, David Jones just passed away a few days ago.  I'm not sure of funeral arrangements, but he was my friend and as a friend, I should go to his funeral.  I am shaking right now just thinking about it.  I know I am going to have to go to a funeral again. . .I know I'm going to have to do it, but I am petrified.  I never want to feel the pain that I felt when I was at Jessie's funeral again.  I cried the entire time.  I cried the 6 days before and for weeks after.  I still cry sometimes when I think about it.  Jessie's death changed my life.  Going to another funeral is going to be like reliving Jessie's.  I know that sounds horrible because a persons funeral should be about them, and the people there should be paying respects and mourning that person. . .not another.  But I will be there, not only mourning them, but I will also be thinking about Jessie as well. 

The Next Morning

I hate waking up the morning after something bad has happened.  Sleep, and dreaming. . .as long as its not a nightmare, takes the pain away for a little while and almost makes you forget that anything bad happened.  Then, as soon as you open your eyes the next morning. . .it hits you like a truck.   You remember what happened and all of a sudden it hits you again, and you can't help but cry.  I'm sorry, I promise less depressing posts are coming soon.  This is just a bad time of year from me.  November 6th will be the 3 year anniversary of when Jessie died and I've already been bracing myself for that. . .RIP Jess, David, Jack, Adam

Jessica's Obituary

Jessica Ashley Canfield


Passed away Tuesday, November 6, 2007 after an automobile accident. Born in Niskayuna, January 4, 1991, she was the daughter of Lori Taylor Martin and James Canfield, Jr. Jessie attended Amsterdam High School until ninth grade, where she was active in the ROTC and the high school band. She later attended Ballston Spa High School where she was a junior varsity cheerleader. Jessie was active with the United Methodist Church in Ballston Spa. She sang in the choir and cared for the children in the nursery. Jessie assisted with many dinners and events held at the church. She also donated her time helping the Eagle Matt Lee and Union Fire Co with their Thanksgiving dinners for the needy. Jessie worked at Price Chopper in Malta.

She was predeceased by her great grandparents Kenneth and Alice Taylor and Matilda Belle Johnson. She is survived by her mother Lori Taylor Martin and Jonathan Cook; her father James Canfield, Jr and Laura Barker; 2 sisters Corey Lee Martin and Tracy Canfield; brother Jacob Martin; grandparents Carolyn and William Taylor, James Canfield Sr, and Martha Rowley. She is also survived by many aunts, uncles, cousins and one niece.

Funeral services will be held 3pm Monday, November 12, at the United Methodist Church, 101 Milton Avenue, Ballston Spa. Burial will follow in Rock City Falls Cemetery. Calling hours will precede the service from 1-3pm Monday at the church. Memorial contributions may be made to the Albany Medical Center Pediatric Unit, 43 New Scotland Avenue, Albany, NY 12208.

Dream

I dreamed about Jessie the other day.  We were sitting in an auditorium talking.  I was holding her hand.  Her had was cold.  Thats one thing I remember, she was always cold.  She was wearing a short sleeved shirt and I could see the brown birth mark she had on her upper arm.  She had braces.  Her nails were trimmed very short.  These are all of the little things I remember about her that really stood out to me in my dream.  I held her hand and we were talking and then I started crying.  I cried because I was scared because I didn't know if it was real or not.  I wasn't sure if what I was experiencing in my dream was real, and she was there with me, or if she was really gone and in a few moments I would wake up.  She saw me crying. . .and she just looked at me as if she understood.  She didn't look confused or ask why I was crying.  She just held my hand and looked at me as if to say its alright.  I woke up and I couldn't help but feel heart broken because it was just a dream.  As I have said before, I love dreaming about her because I get to spend time with her again and its always so real like she's really there, but when I wake up I have to deal with the pain of losing her all over again.  The funny thing is, when I'm 30 and i dream about her. . .she's going to look the same.  she's going to look 16 with braces, long hair, and short finger nails.  That is how I remember her and that is how she will live in my memory forever. 

Last few days

Well my senior prom wasn't as amazing as people make it out to be.  I went through the motions and danced with a few of my friends. . .but prom really isn't my thing and I kinda knew I wasn't going to enjoy it all that much.  But 50 bobby pins and 4 shampoo sessions later I am done with that and I can mark it off of my check list.  Tonight is my last high school orchestra concert and tomorrow is my last day of high school.  I took my geology final first period today and I'm taking my precalc final next period.  Geology was easy and I was done with in like 20 mins.  I can't believe its done.  I am happy that its over but at the same time I'm sad.  This year went by so fast.  If nothing else, this year I've really learned who my true friends are and they will be the ones I make an effort to keep in contact with over the next few years, you know who you are.  Tonight will be sad. . .I think it will be the hardest part of graduating.  I can't believe tomorrow is my last day.  Honestly though. . .as I experience all of this, I can't help but think of my cousin and how she never got to do these things.  She never got to go to prom, or graduation, or turn 18, or go gambling. . .every time I experience something new because of my age I think of her and how she died when she was only 16.  I don't feel lucky that I get to experience it. . .I feel sad that she didn't. . .idk. . .just a thought. 

Dream

Its not often that I dream about my cousin that passed away.  I used to a lot shortly after she died, but lately I don't.  I dreamed about her last night.  She told me she faked her death, I don't remember her reasoning why or how, but thats what she told me.  I got to talk to her, and hug her. . .it was so real.  It was like she was there.  I even said to her in my dream that I was afraid that was a dream and I didn't want to wake up. . .I was scared of waking up.  Shortly after saying that I woke up, and once again. . .she's gone.  I really don't mind dreaming about her, I actually like it because I get to see her and talk to her again.  It feels like its really her. . .it always does.  I miss her so much and not a day goes by that I don't think about her, but when she's in my dreams. . .its like she's there and just for a moment I get to forget about the pain and thank god that I get to spend one more moment with her. 

Nov 6th

Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of the worst day of my life.  It was the anniversary of my cousin's death, a day I will never forget.  A big part of me died that day with her, and I haven't really been the same since.  I left school a little early to go to the cemetary because its an hour early and I wanted to make sure I got there before dark.  Tim went with me and I brought a candle to leave on her grave.  It was all decorated with flowers and candles, it looked very nice for such a horrible place.  It reminded me of some of the pain I have been avoiding for a long time and I broke down crying.  It still hurts a lot especially because I don't feel like Jessie is here with me anymore, at least not like I used to.  I know she is there, I just don't feel as connected to her.  When I got back in the truck I decided to call her mom, but the number I had was old, so I called her grandmother and spoke to her for a little while.  I told her that I loved her and she was in my thoughts and prayers.  We spoke for a few minutes and both cried on the phone.  We talked about Cory (Jessie's little sister that was also in the accident that is paralyzed) and that hurt me a lot.  I realized that I really need to see her and be there for her.  I got Lori's new number, but got the voicemail so I left one.  I broke down crying even more in the drunk, my heart was breaking.  Tim held me close, but I could tell it was kind of awkward for him because he didn't really know what to do in that situation, and that is fine. . .it was just nice to have him there holding me.  I miss my cousin so much, not a day goes by that I don't think about her and what happened.  I think a part of me still blames myself for not being able to help and save her like I thought I had.  It still breaks my heart that I didn't get to say goodbye.  I can't believe its only been 2 years, it seems like so much longer, but at the same time it seems like it was just yesterday. 

Things That Just Make Me Think. . .

I forgot to write about this a few weeks ago, but its been on my mind.  I was driving out to Chris's house to pick up my cactus when an elderly woman was in the middle of the road trying to push a riding lawn mower.  I got out and asked if she needed help. . .I tried to drive the thing across the road but I have no freaking clue how to work those things, so I helped her push it.  She told me that she was 90 and "couldn't do those sort of things anymore."  Then she said that when she was in need, god had sent her an angel (meaning me).  It made me think and its been on my mind.  All I did was help her push a lawn mower across the street, it wasn't all that big of a thing, but she explained it as god sending her an angel to help her.  This was similar to the time I had been waiting at the highschool for the bus, I think I was a sophomore and I had a wrist brace on for my tendonitis and this girl who is mentally disabled came up to me and asked what was wrong with my wrist.  A few weeks prior her mother's boyfriend had sexually assaulted her.  She didn't understand so she went around telling everyone what had happened and she moved a few weeks after.  But when I explained to her what was wrong with my wrist she said that she was sorry and she would pray for me.  A girl, who was mentally disabled and had just been raped by her mothers boyfriend was going to keep me in her prayers because my wrist was hurting. . .Things like this make me think and have an effect on me.  Like when I went to my cousins funeral, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do.  All I did was cry, and a huge chunk of me died.  When I walked up to the casket, my aunt was there giving hugs to everyone that came to the funeral.  When I gave her a hug she held me close in her arms and we both cried very hard and she told me that SHE wished SHE could take all MY pain away. . .Her daughter was dead and it was the funeral for her, her other daughter was in a coma and would never walk again, and her son had a broken leg, but she wanted to take all my pain away.  Her words still ring in my ears.  These are the reasons I believe in god.  These are the things that make me think and make me know there is something good and better than all of this.  This is just something I've been thinking about for a while so I thought I would share it with y'all. 

Dreams

So I have a lot of very strange dreams and those of you who I talk to frequently or have sat at my lunch table know exactly what I am talking about. Frequently I have had a lot of nightmares, at least 1 or 2 a week. They are usually all about Chris dying in a car accident. There has only been one occasion where he has died in any other way and in that one he died because he had a seizure. My most memorable nightmare was that I was driving in a different vehical than him and we collided head on. I saw his face just before I hit him and he died on impact. In my dream I went insane because of this. . .I woke up and began crying and I almost couldn't collect myself enought to go to school. I know that I have these dreams because I lost my cousin. They may also be because when I was 10 I watched my grandfather die and when I was like 13 or 14 I watched a man die on the side of the road from a heroin over dose. I know its mainly because of my cousin because that effected me the most.

I've had dreams about my cousin too. After the accident I had frequent dreams about the accident. I saw her face and I saw her close her eyes. I saw things that I don't really want to go into detail about, but that was what I dreamed. Then after a few months went by I started just dreaming about her. Like we would talk and hang out like we would before she passed away. We would play games and giggle. . .Part of me wonders if it was really her. Like she was coming to me in my dreams to make me feel better. I would always cry when I woke up because I would miss her, but I liked the dreams that I had. I wonder if that was her way of communicating with me. I believe that spirits and ghosts are there with us. I don't know if they are always there, or if its just a part of their soul that stays behind or what, but I do believe that they are there. They are just on a different level than us and thats why we can't see them or communicate with them (most of us anyways. Mediums are on a different level too) but I think they find ways of communicating with us, like my dreams for example. I wonder if that was her. I have had dreams in the past that have come true, I've dreamed of people before meeting them and dreamed of things happening before they do. So if I can do that, why can't the dead come to me in my dreams. I believe that dreams are more than just our subconscious. Maybe when we dream we travel to a different world or a different dimension. Dreaming to me is very intersting. We close our eyes and drift away to a place where anything can be real. . .it fascinates me. These are just a few more of my thoughts. . .

In memory of Jessica Ashley Canfield ♥

November 6, 2007 my cousin Jessica died. We had grown up together. She was a major part of my earliest memories. She died in a car accident at the age of 16. Her, her friend, and her 11 year old sister were skipping school. It was raining that morning and my cousin was speeding. She over turned and then over corrected and hit a tractor trailor head on. She was driving so fast that the man driving the truck popped out a few disks in his back. My cousin died on impact of a broken neck. . .she had no scratches on her otherwise. Her friend suffered only a broken leg, and my other little cousin was nearly cut in half by the seat belt, she is now paralyzed from the waste down. That was only the second worst day of my life. The first was the funeral. There were so many people there, and when I finally got to her casket I couldn't look at her. I was shaking and crying so hard, I just couldn't. So I didn't say good bye. I kept telling myself I would go up again and say good bye, and right as I was about to they closed the casket. I watched my cousin, who was more like my sister, being closed up in a little box and lowered into the ground. That was the worst day of my life. I will never forget that when I say her mother she hugged me and told me that SHE wished that SHE could take all of MY pain away. . .to this day that still baffles me. My cousin was smart, beautiful, and talented. Everyone that knew her, loved her. Especially me. I lost my sister, my bestfriend, and my cousin. A few weeks after the accident her grandmother sent me her school picture from that year that Jessie had intended to give me, and it was in the car that she had her accident in. On the back it said that she loved me and that I would always be her sister. To me, it was like she was talking to me from the dead. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her and remember her. I've gotten through all of that, but it wasn't easy. R.I.P Jessie. I made a youtube video about her if you want to check it out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bftqSdfne94  I miss my cousin very much, we were raised together.  She really was more like my sister, when we were little we used to say that we were adopted from royalty and we were sisters.  When we were little we did the blood sister ceremony thing where u both cut yourself on ur hand and mix your blood together, we thought it was cool at the time but I look back and realize how silly we were, we had already shared blood because we are related.  Her death has brought some good however, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and it has made me a stronger and more mature individual.  So this one is for her! I love you Jessie.