Funerals

So. . .I've mentioned this before, but this is a slightly different situation.  I haven't been to a funeral since November 12, 2007, not because there haven't been any that I was supposed to go to, but because I've avoided going to them.  I've had a few aunts and uncles die in the past 3 years, but I wasn't very close to them so I was able to avoid going.  I know that sounds horrible, but the last funeral I went to was for my cousin Jessie.  I'm not sure what was worse, hearing that she had died, or going to the funeral to see her family and friends. . .and her laying in a box.  As I've said probably 100 times, a big part of me died when I lost Jessie and the funeral. . .I've never been in so much pain in all of my life.  Now, people close to me can't die without it bringing back the emotions and thoughts from when Jessie died.  I feel horrible about that.  I can't deal with someones death, without having to deal with Jessie's again.  I bring this up again because, as you know, David Jones just passed away a few days ago.  I'm not sure of funeral arrangements, but he was my friend and as a friend, I should go to his funeral.  I am shaking right now just thinking about it.  I know I am going to have to go to a funeral again. . .I know I'm going to have to do it, but I am petrified.  I never want to feel the pain that I felt when I was at Jessie's funeral again.  I cried the entire time.  I cried the 6 days before and for weeks after.  I still cry sometimes when I think about it.  Jessie's death changed my life.  Going to another funeral is going to be like reliving Jessie's.  I know that sounds horrible because a persons funeral should be about them, and the people there should be paying respects and mourning that person. . .not another.  But I will be there, not only mourning them, but I will also be thinking about Jessie as well. 

Surgery

Well I went to the doctor today for my headaches and sinuses.  I found out I have to have surgery.  I have a deviated septum, a sist in one of my sinuses, and my sinuses are clogged.  I have to have a septoplasty and endoscopic sinus surgery.  My surgery is schedualed June 10th.  Its going to last about 2 and a half hours and they're going to put me under.  I'm going to be out of commission for about 10 days following which means I'm going to miss my senior trip.  They have to put splints up my nose and I have to go on the 17th to have them taken out.  I'm going to be in a lot of pain and I am not looking forward to it at all.  The doctor was explaining some of the things that could go wrong during the surgery.  They're going to be operating really close to my brain and some of the parts of my eye.  He said something about fluid from my brain leaking or losing my vision :0  Wish me luck. . .its supposed to fix everything. . .I hope so. 

No Words for a Title

When I close my eyes I still see your face.
Your haunts me when I'm alone.
Your words repeat in my mind like a broken record.
Your fingers are still printed into my skin.
I know your not here. . .but your memory lingers.
The face that was above me is imprinted into my mind.
I feel you. . .I hear you. . .I see you. . .
but I dont want to. 
I didn't want to.
But I did.

Another Nightmare

I had another nightmare last night, this one was very much different than all the other ones I've had.  I dreamed that Chris was following me, I was never out of his site and every chance he got he would rape me.  One time, when I tried to fight him and get away he beat me in the face with a shovel and knocked all my teeth out.  Other people knew what was going on, but they couldn't do anything.  The cops couldn't catch him for some reason so they more or less didn't try anymore.  He would sleep in my car, and follow me to work and school.  He threatened me everyday and I was so petrified.  This dream confuses me because I was never scared of Chris or felt threatened by him.  He isn't that type of person so I'm not sure where that dream came from.  All I know is I woke up crying again and it has been bothering me every day.  I'm so sick and tired of having nightmares all the time and being scared like this. . .its sucks. 

Paranormal Activity

Well I went on a double date with my boyfriend and his bestfriend and his girlfriend to see Paranormal Activity.  It was a pretty good movie, I've never screamed so loud in a movie theatre.  My boyfriend made it worse because he kept building up the suspense by saying things like "Oh, watch this" or "This is my favorite part" so he has some gashes in his arms and legs from me holding on and getting scared.  The only thing I didn't like about the movie was it made me dizzy at some points because of how they were holding/moving the camera.  I've heard mixed stories on if the movie is real or not, but I know things like this DO happen, which makes it all the more scary.  But I did like the movie, I think its funny that my boyfriend and his bestfriend who are both over 18 and are joining the army next month were all paranoid and scared, it makes me giggle. 

The OTHER Confusing Situation

Well, as you all know Chris and I broke up a little over a week ago.  If you had read my previous blogs you know that it was a hard break up and our friendship also went down the tubes.  If you don't already know all of this I suggest you read my blogs starting with "The Fair" to get yourself updated because if you don't you will not understand this blog at all.  Well. . .even if you had read those blogs you may not understand this one.  I'm still confused myself.  Well lets see. . .the other night Chris and I were talking, he was still begging me to be his friend and telling me how miserable he was, and I was still shouting "I DON'T CARE!!!" But when his roommate expressed to me that Chris may not really be over me like I thought I decided to cool it a little.  I believed that because he was the one that broke up with me because he didn't have feelings for me, and then told me that he never did love me, he was going to handle this just fine and get over me really fast.  It confused me that he got upset when he found out I was seeing other guys and begged for my friendship.  But I guess his roommate was right, Chris wasn't over me.  So I decided if that was the case then I wouldn't make the situation harder on him and I would be civil.  So we started talking on aim for a while about different things and it was good.  It was nice to talk to him.  Then we started talking on the phone.  Well we ended up talking for like 4-5 hours.  We talked about our relationship and the break up and he made me realize that I had done things in our relationship that hurt him as well.  He didn't like to tell me what was bothering him so I never really knew when he was hurting or feeling a certain way, but I didn't always make it easy for him to tell me.  It was always on my terms, I would listen when I wanted to and have him tell me when I wanted him too.  That was wrong.  I didn't really realize what I had done until the other night, but if I had thought about it earlier I would have realized it.  So I apologized for having done that.  I hadn't realized how much he had put up with while dating me and I didn't appreciate it until now and I made sure to tell him that.  But its hard for me to know what is bothering him when he doesn't tell me.  There were a lot of times when I would ask for hours what was bothering him and beg to talk about it and he just wouldn't.  We were both at fault.  That doesn't make what he did any better though.  He did still break my heart and lied a lot.  He admitted to me during our conversation that he did love me and always had.   He said that he told me he hadn't so that I would lose hope in getting back together.  He said he was very much confused and he's not even sure why he broke up with me.  He was overwhelmed and confused so he acted with out really thinking about it.  I understand confusion, but what he did. . .idk.  He purposely hurt me, he made me cry, he broke my heart, he made me believe our entire relationship was nothing more than a lie and something for him to do.  Then he changes his mind and tells me that he loves me and all of that was a lie.  So what was the lie? What was true? What am I supposed to believe? Then I asked him if he wanted me back and he said yes.    Can you say whiplash??? I didn't know what to think.  So I told him that we could start over From the beginning.  We could go on our first date again and see where it goes.  I told him that we could start seeing each other, but I was going to keep my dates with other people.  We weren't together yet, but we would be sooner or later.  I told him I didn't trust him and that he needed to figure out what he really wanted.  I told him that if he really did love me and if I was what he REALLY wanted he would have to prove it to me.  He said he was willing to do that.  He said I was the one he loved and the one he wanted.  So I gave him a chance.  We went to the Fonda Fair for our "first date."  He paid for everything and did all he could to make sure I was happy, just like he has always done.  We went on rides, and he won me 7 stuffed animals that I got to carry around all day.  Then at the end of the night, he drove me home and walked me to the door and we shared our "first kiss." His effort was flattering.  He made me very happy that night and even gave me butterflies.  Then he went home and went back to college the next day, but ended up having to come back because my computer had gotten a virus and was destroying itself!!  So he came back and played hero and saved me :D, then he went home again and came back this weekend to see me, take me out to dinner, spend time together.  He asked me out the other night while he was holding me close in my room.  I had no choice but to say yes.  I do love him very much and always have.  I am scared that the reason he wants me back is because he is once again sad, bored, and lonely and he got jealous that I was doing just fine with out him.  I am scared that this is going to happen again.  I'm scared of his intentions and his ability to hurt me, but I trust him.  If he says he won't then I just have to believe him.  I can't go the rest of my life being afraid because any guy could do the samething to me.  But I told him that if he does decide to do this to me again we will be done.  I will not speak to him, I will block him on every device possible and he will be sooo done.  I won't forgive him again.  I'm giving him another chance and its up to him how he is going to take it.  There will not be a next time.  Until then, we are back together and I love him and he swears left and right that he loves me more than anything.  We will see.  Wish me luck.