4 Years. . .

Mood: Reminiscent 

Weather:  Chilly but otherwise a nice day :)

I can't believe its been 4 years.  November 6th, tomorrow, will be 4 years since the day Jessie died.  Its always been a hard day for me. . .and quite honestly probably always will be.  This day changed my life. . .and I will never be the same.  For those of you that don'e know, Jessica Canfield was my cousin.  She was almost exactly a year older than me and we were best friends.  We grew up together and November 6th, 2007 she was taken from me.  My cousin, her little sister, and Jessie's best friend all skipped school and were driving through the town of Florida. . .she over turned and then over corrected and hit a tractor trailer head on.  Her best friend broke her leg.  Her little sister, who was 11 at the time. . .was nearly cut in half by her seat belt and is now confined to a wheel chair because she is paralyzed from the waste down.  When I got that phone call that night. . .a part of me died, and an even bigger part of me died when I saw her laying in a box. . .motionless at the funeral 6 days later.  Tomorrow will be 4 years. . .4 years.  That's 1461 days.  She was like a sister to me and I miss her very much.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. . .and remember her.  I am going to the cemetery tomorrow, I go at least twice every year, on the anniversary and on her birthday.  I love you and miss you to death Jess.  I wish you were here with me. . .there is so much I want to tell you.  I want you to meet Jack, and CJ.  I want my best friend back.  RIP Jess <3 

Halloween 2011

Its ironic how halloween is my favorite holiday.  So many people have come and gone this time of year its a wonder how I can even be in the mindset to celebrate.  The one year anniversary of David's death was just the other day, and the four year anniversary of Jessie's death is fast approaching on the 6th.  I said goodbye to Chris, and hello to Tim this time of year as well.  I started work at Mercato's and withdrew from Oneonta. I got pneumonia and had my lung collapse two years ago about this time. . .same time I broke up with Chris and shortly after began my relationship with Tim.  Now I've just left the nursing program. . .and my way.  I've spent so many days in bed crying this time of year.  Despite it all, Halloween is my favorite type of year.  Perhaps its because a part of me is still just that morbid, or perhaps its the one day I can acceptably not be myself and escape.  Whatever the reason, halloween is on monday and dammit I still don't know what I want to be.  I suppose it doesn't really matter seeing as I have to work all weekend prior, and go to school the night of.  But I'm sure I'll dress up as something, even if I find it in my own closet.  Happy halloween, here's to hoping that this year. . .I won't be spending any more days in bed crying. . .just celebrating :)

New Apartment Part II

Mood: Irritable

Weather: HURRICANE IRENE!

Well CJ and I finally got home phone, internet, and cable at the apartment.  It took us forever because verizon is on strike, and at&t doesn't know which way is up, so we finally got time warner cable :P I do love our apartment thus far, though there are constant sirens and our landlady scares the piss out of me lol.  We now have all of our furniture, appliances, dishes, pots and pans, etc.  It was great because we got it all for free and saved thousands of dollars. . .but it is also very sad because a lot of the stuff came from my grandmother who just passed away :( RIP Grandma Martha :'(  She has been suffering for a long time with COPD and I'm glad that she is no longer suffering but at the same time I am still very distraught because she and I were very close and she helped raise me.  I will miss her very much, but as I said before I am very glad that she is no longer suffering and I am positive if there is a heaven she is there :) she was a very christian woman.  But we are all settled in and things are going well, pictures coming soon (lots because I still haven't posted the pictures of New Orleans or Boston yet :P)

3 Years

So yesterday was the 3 year anniversary of the worst day of my life (a.k.a Jessie's death).  Every year on that day I go to the cemetary to talk to her, I do the same on her birthday.  I didn't cry at the cemetary like I did last year, instead I cried the entire way home.  It still hurts.  It's still surreal.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about her and its just especially painful on the anniversary because all the memories and emotions come swooping back to haunt me.  RIP Jess, I love you. 

Funerals

So. . .I've mentioned this before, but this is a slightly different situation.  I haven't been to a funeral since November 12, 2007, not because there haven't been any that I was supposed to go to, but because I've avoided going to them.  I've had a few aunts and uncles die in the past 3 years, but I wasn't very close to them so I was able to avoid going.  I know that sounds horrible, but the last funeral I went to was for my cousin Jessie.  I'm not sure what was worse, hearing that she had died, or going to the funeral to see her family and friends. . .and her laying in a box.  As I've said probably 100 times, a big part of me died when I lost Jessie and the funeral. . .I've never been in so much pain in all of my life.  Now, people close to me can't die without it bringing back the emotions and thoughts from when Jessie died.  I feel horrible about that.  I can't deal with someones death, without having to deal with Jessie's again.  I bring this up again because, as you know, David Jones just passed away a few days ago.  I'm not sure of funeral arrangements, but he was my friend and as a friend, I should go to his funeral.  I am shaking right now just thinking about it.  I know I am going to have to go to a funeral again. . .I know I'm going to have to do it, but I am petrified.  I never want to feel the pain that I felt when I was at Jessie's funeral again.  I cried the entire time.  I cried the 6 days before and for weeks after.  I still cry sometimes when I think about it.  Jessie's death changed my life.  Going to another funeral is going to be like reliving Jessie's.  I know that sounds horrible because a persons funeral should be about them, and the people there should be paying respects and mourning that person. . .not another.  But I will be there, not only mourning them, but I will also be thinking about Jessie as well. 

The Next Morning

I hate waking up the morning after something bad has happened.  Sleep, and dreaming. . .as long as its not a nightmare, takes the pain away for a little while and almost makes you forget that anything bad happened.  Then, as soon as you open your eyes the next morning. . .it hits you like a truck.   You remember what happened and all of a sudden it hits you again, and you can't help but cry.  I'm sorry, I promise less depressing posts are coming soon.  This is just a bad time of year from me.  November 6th will be the 3 year anniversary of when Jessie died and I've already been bracing myself for that. . .RIP Jess, David, Jack, Adam

R.I.P David Jones Part II

Its hard for me to believe that he's gone.  I can't believe that he's not going to be harrassing me almost every day while trying to get me to agree to go to dinner and consider dating him after he gets back to New York.  I talked to him just a few days ago, and now he's gone.  One of the last things he said to me was "idk if i should say  this but if i was there i would kiss u right  now" I copied that right from skype.  You know what my response was?  I didn't say anything back.  I smiled, and I was flattered, but I wasn't about to let him know that.  I had told him several times that I don't date soldier boys, not after my ex fiance.  He didn't care.  He kept at it.  I did finally agree to go to dinner with him about 2 weeks ago.  He was supposed to be coming home the first week of November.  I can't believe he is actually gone and I don't have him to talk to anymore.  He always made me smile and made me feel better.  He always listened.  I miss you David Jones.  Rest In Peace. 

R.I.P David Jones

I hate doing this.  I hate having to post this, but this is my only vent and he should be honored with a blog at the very least.  David was a friend of mine.  One of the friends I would stay up late talking to online and camming with.  He was in the army and in iraq and he passed away.  He wanted to take me to dinner when he got back to the states, over and over again I told him I don't date soldier boys.  Finally I told him I would let him take me out. . .RIP David <3

Jessica's Obituary

Jessica Ashley Canfield


Passed away Tuesday, November 6, 2007 after an automobile accident. Born in Niskayuna, January 4, 1991, she was the daughter of Lori Taylor Martin and James Canfield, Jr. Jessie attended Amsterdam High School until ninth grade, where she was active in the ROTC and the high school band. She later attended Ballston Spa High School where she was a junior varsity cheerleader. Jessie was active with the United Methodist Church in Ballston Spa. She sang in the choir and cared for the children in the nursery. Jessie assisted with many dinners and events held at the church. She also donated her time helping the Eagle Matt Lee and Union Fire Co with their Thanksgiving dinners for the needy. Jessie worked at Price Chopper in Malta.

She was predeceased by her great grandparents Kenneth and Alice Taylor and Matilda Belle Johnson. She is survived by her mother Lori Taylor Martin and Jonathan Cook; her father James Canfield, Jr and Laura Barker; 2 sisters Corey Lee Martin and Tracy Canfield; brother Jacob Martin; grandparents Carolyn and William Taylor, James Canfield Sr, and Martha Rowley. She is also survived by many aunts, uncles, cousins and one niece.

Funeral services will be held 3pm Monday, November 12, at the United Methodist Church, 101 Milton Avenue, Ballston Spa. Burial will follow in Rock City Falls Cemetery. Calling hours will precede the service from 1-3pm Monday at the church. Memorial contributions may be made to the Albany Medical Center Pediatric Unit, 43 New Scotland Avenue, Albany, NY 12208.

Nov 6th

Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of the worst day of my life.  It was the anniversary of my cousin's death, a day I will never forget.  A big part of me died that day with her, and I haven't really been the same since.  I left school a little early to go to the cemetary because its an hour early and I wanted to make sure I got there before dark.  Tim went with me and I brought a candle to leave on her grave.  It was all decorated with flowers and candles, it looked very nice for such a horrible place.  It reminded me of some of the pain I have been avoiding for a long time and I broke down crying.  It still hurts a lot especially because I don't feel like Jessie is here with me anymore, at least not like I used to.  I know she is there, I just don't feel as connected to her.  When I got back in the truck I decided to call her mom, but the number I had was old, so I called her grandmother and spoke to her for a little while.  I told her that I loved her and she was in my thoughts and prayers.  We spoke for a few minutes and both cried on the phone.  We talked about Cory (Jessie's little sister that was also in the accident that is paralyzed) and that hurt me a lot.  I realized that I really need to see her and be there for her.  I got Lori's new number, but got the voicemail so I left one.  I broke down crying even more in the drunk, my heart was breaking.  Tim held me close, but I could tell it was kind of awkward for him because he didn't really know what to do in that situation, and that is fine. . .it was just nice to have him there holding me.  I miss my cousin so much, not a day goes by that I don't think about her and what happened.  I think a part of me still blames myself for not being able to help and save her like I thought I had.  It still breaks my heart that I didn't get to say goodbye.  I can't believe its only been 2 years, it seems like so much longer, but at the same time it seems like it was just yesterday. 

Things That Just Make Me Think. . .

I forgot to write about this a few weeks ago, but its been on my mind.  I was driving out to Chris's house to pick up my cactus when an elderly woman was in the middle of the road trying to push a riding lawn mower.  I got out and asked if she needed help. . .I tried to drive the thing across the road but I have no freaking clue how to work those things, so I helped her push it.  She told me that she was 90 and "couldn't do those sort of things anymore."  Then she said that when she was in need, god had sent her an angel (meaning me).  It made me think and its been on my mind.  All I did was help her push a lawn mower across the street, it wasn't all that big of a thing, but she explained it as god sending her an angel to help her.  This was similar to the time I had been waiting at the highschool for the bus, I think I was a sophomore and I had a wrist brace on for my tendonitis and this girl who is mentally disabled came up to me and asked what was wrong with my wrist.  A few weeks prior her mother's boyfriend had sexually assaulted her.  She didn't understand so she went around telling everyone what had happened and she moved a few weeks after.  But when I explained to her what was wrong with my wrist she said that she was sorry and she would pray for me.  A girl, who was mentally disabled and had just been raped by her mothers boyfriend was going to keep me in her prayers because my wrist was hurting. . .Things like this make me think and have an effect on me.  Like when I went to my cousins funeral, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do.  All I did was cry, and a huge chunk of me died.  When I walked up to the casket, my aunt was there giving hugs to everyone that came to the funeral.  When I gave her a hug she held me close in her arms and we both cried very hard and she told me that SHE wished SHE could take all MY pain away. . .Her daughter was dead and it was the funeral for her, her other daughter was in a coma and would never walk again, and her son had a broken leg, but she wanted to take all my pain away.  Her words still ring in my ears.  These are the reasons I believe in god.  These are the things that make me think and make me know there is something good and better than all of this.  This is just something I've been thinking about for a while so I thought I would share it with y'all.