Halloween 2011

Its ironic how halloween is my favorite holiday.  So many people have come and gone this time of year its a wonder how I can even be in the mindset to celebrate.  The one year anniversary of David's death was just the other day, and the four year anniversary of Jessie's death is fast approaching on the 6th.  I said goodbye to Chris, and hello to Tim this time of year as well.  I started work at Mercato's and withdrew from Oneonta. I got pneumonia and had my lung collapse two years ago about this time. . .same time I broke up with Chris and shortly after began my relationship with Tim.  Now I've just left the nursing program. . .and my way.  I've spent so many days in bed crying this time of year.  Despite it all, Halloween is my favorite type of year.  Perhaps its because a part of me is still just that morbid, or perhaps its the one day I can acceptably not be myself and escape.  Whatever the reason, halloween is on monday and dammit I still don't know what I want to be.  I suppose it doesn't really matter seeing as I have to work all weekend prior, and go to school the night of.  But I'm sure I'll dress up as something, even if I find it in my own closet.  Happy halloween, here's to hoping that this year. . .I won't be spending any more days in bed crying. . .just celebrating :)

The Truth

I want to be completely honest about something.  First I was completely honest with myself. . .now I want to share it.  Once upon a time, I had a boyfriend.  We were young and dumb, but I thought I knew it all.  I thought because I had more experience than him that I knew what I was doing, and it was my job to teach him.  I thought I understood relationships inside and out.  I thought I knew what it meant to be a a "good" girlfriend and/or boyfriend.  I was wrong.  I was very wrong.  Looking back I was a terrible girlfriend to him, and he was an amazing boyfriend.  At the time, I didn't see it.  I didn't realize how special and rare he was.  I also didn't realize how shitty of a girlfriend I was being and took advantage of him.  You never realize what you have until its gone, and its too late.  No one is perfect, but that is no justification.  I didn't open my eyes until it was too late. . .and then when we broke up I hurt him really bad.  I don't want to go into detail because that is something quite personal, but I did something to him to intentionally hurt him.  To this day I don't know why, and I feel so guilty, but I can't take it back.  I broke his heart in ways I can't even understand, and I was malicious about it.  I'm not that type of person now, and I wasn't then either.  I don't know why, or what came over me at the time, but all I can say is I regret it very much and I am very sorry.  Not only did I hurt someone that I love but I lost my bestfriend.  He remained my friend for a while even after I did what I did, but then one day he decided he was going to hate me for the rest of his life.  No apology will every fix what I did, and there is no way for me to show it. . .he won't let me and I can't really say that I blame him.  He will never see this blog, but its here.  I'm not posting it as another attempt at an apology, I'm posting it to say I didn't open my eyes.  I thought I knew it all. . .when I didn't.  I was an ass hole, a shitty girlfriend, I was selfish, and I lost probably the best person I ever had in my life. . .and I don't even know why I acted and did the things I did.  Pretty stupid huh?  Again, I'm not doing it as an apology, this is my advice to you. . .communicate with everyone you love, be honest with yourself and each other, live and love like each day is your last because you could lose them.  Tomorrow they could be gone for good, and they'll never really know how you actually felt.  They'll never know how sorry you really are.  They'll never know how much of an ass you feel like.  They'll never know the empty space in your heart and life that has grown now that they are gone and its all because you didn't do something as simple as show them how you really feel and make damn sure they know it.  If I could turn back time I would have done a lot of things differently, but I can't.  So please, take my advice and I'll try to do the same.  To live and love like today is my last, you don't get second chances...
And if you are reading this by some crazy chance, I am so sorry.  I was wrong in so many ways. 



-All by Myself by Eric Carmen (I did not make this video)

The Grad Party

Well my grad party was a blast.  Thanks to everyone that came!!  I loved seeing people. . .and hugging people I don't really know haha.  So my ex boyfriend Chris's parents were the djs and it was so awesome seeing them.  I almost forgot how much I love that family.  After everyone left I was just there dancing with his parents and step brother for like an hour.  When I first saw them. . .it hurt.  I know that its been almost a year and I should stop being pathedic and stop feeling guilty. . .but its hard.  I have a boyfriend now who is amazing and so far its been great but its still hard to forget what I had with Chris.  Not only did I love him, but I loved his family.  I was a part of his and he was a part of mine.  Its been quite a while since I've seen his family and after I got past the hurt part, it was really awesome spending time with them.  They invited me up to the house before I go to college and I don't have to worry about seeing Chris because he is living with his aunt in queensbury for the summer.  I probably won't go because I will feel weird but I wish I could.  I love that whole family so much.  I miss seeing them regularly.  And ya, I miss Chris too. I've given up trying to talk to him after he blocked me for the 100th time.  I'm forcing myself to let go and just forget about it.  I know that I have something good now, but what Chris and I had once upon a time was special and its hard.  Hopefully I'll have something just as good, if not better, than what I had with Chris so I can FINALLY move on and stop being such a freak.  We'll see. 

My Ex

So Chris. . .as in my ex. . .so much I want to say, but. . .lack of words.  As of right now he is not speaking to me.  Why?  I haven't the slightest clue.  All I know is he's upset that I'm engaged and he stopped talking to me after he found out.  He tried telling my bestfriend that I cheated on him. . .never happened.  He tried saying that the only reason I'm engaged to Timothy is because he wouldn't take me back. . .not true.  I will admit I have loved Chris since the day we met, I will always love Chris, why?  I have no freaking clue.  I just know I always will.  I never told Chris I wanted to get back with him.  Sure, the thought crossed my mind while Tim and I were having problems, but I never said it out loud and I was never going to actually get back together or ask him to get back together with me because I know we just don't work anymore.  We can't be together for whatever reason, so I wasn't going to try.  I never told him that though.  I understand that for a while was back and forth with what I was going to do with Tim, yes I was confused.  When he came home, that night we sat up in bed at like 3:30 in the morning talking about us.  Before I said anything, he asked me what I thought about him getting out of the military.  We talked about it.  He wants to get out of the military for me and his family.  While he held me, I realized how much he loved me.  He didn't have to say it, I could feel it, I could see it in his eyes and feel it when he held me and kissed me.  I was amazing that anyone could love me like that and I felt like the luckiest girl on the planet.  I got engaged to him because I love him and because he is probably one of the most amazing people I have ever met and I just so happen to be the lucky girl he fell for.  He said he wanted to get out of the military, not only for me, but still I was part of the reason.  Thats when I realized well if he's willing to do that for me, I can wait for him.  Thats exactly what I'm doing.  Waiting.  I didn't get engaged because I couldn't have someone else, thats stupid.  I know I was unsure before, but I know more than anything that he is everything I want and I will wait the rest of my life if I have to just for him.  I'm not perfect, I make mistakes, but he knows about everything.  I told him what was going on with me and we talked about it. 
Chris, I dont know why you're mad at me. . .I did nothing to you.  I don't know why you're telling people I cheated on you, I loved you soo much when we were together I never would have cheated on you, I never had time, we were together almost constantly.  Stop being immature. 
The thing that hurt me. . .I realized the other day that I was no longer friends on facebook with his stepmom, dad, or brother. . .did Chris say something to them for them to not like me?  Did they just not want to be in the middle of this?  That hurt me because I loved his family soo much. . .I dont know what happened.  :(

The Visit II

Last week I went to visit the love of my life at college again.  He helped me with my homework. . .(Tom helped me as well), we laid in bed and cuddled, called "hat" (for two very short period lmao ♥♥), took 2 walks, played silly video games with his roommates, and talked.  I have to say I don't hate Paul anymore, I don't "love" Paul either for that matter.  I think his personality is different than what I am used to and he doesn't really intend for MOST of what he says to be taken literally.  He actually helped out a lot with the break up and what not, he may be an asshole, but he's not all bad.  Darling is still my favorite.  He is quiet and nice and he doesn't believe he has an accent but I SWEAR HE DOES!!! lol  Tom is also kind of quiet, maybe he isn't searching to just fit in and follow the crowd.  My honest opinion is that he hates to argue in get in the middle of drama and thats why he sometimes just goes alone with what other people say.  That or he just doesn't really care, but I still like him too especially because he helped me with my homework, but I find it funny that he doesn't have his license.  Silly Tom.  I did finally meet James in this visit and I spoke to him briefly.  He doesn't really say much, but he loves video games just like every other nerd in that freaking dorm.  He seemed pretty nice and level headed to me and he actually does his laundry unlike my lovely boyfriend.  Well anyways, as I was leaving I asked chris if he would mind helping me find my way to the thru way because I had never made it out of there myself.  So he said yes with a huff.  We got into an arguement because he made me feel guilty about asking him for help.  For those of you who don't know, I hate driving.  I am petrified of driving especially places that I don't know all that well.  So I actually started to cry because he was being a jerk and giving me attitude and I was sincerely scared about getting lost in Utica.  Then he got even more upset when I started to cry.  So I told him if he was going to be an ass I would find my own way home, but he insisted.  So he went off to his car to help me get home.  I ended up finding a sign that said 90, which is how I had to get home and I took a different route.  I didn't realize that wasn't the way I was supposed to go because chris said he would take me to the first sign and that WAS the first sign.  So he got mad at me about that and then called me back a few minutes later freaking out because during our argument he left his wallet on top of my car.  It wasn't on top of my car when I got home and he searched EVERYWHERE for it, but didn't find it.  I felt guilty, but he didn't blame me.  I took him out for pizza the next day anyways because he had gotten really stressed out and upset about it.  So I tried to make it better.  He was okay for the rest of the weekend.  

The OTHER Confusing Situation

Well, as you all know Chris and I broke up a little over a week ago.  If you had read my previous blogs you know that it was a hard break up and our friendship also went down the tubes.  If you don't already know all of this I suggest you read my blogs starting with "The Fair" to get yourself updated because if you don't you will not understand this blog at all.  Well. . .even if you had read those blogs you may not understand this one.  I'm still confused myself.  Well lets see. . .the other night Chris and I were talking, he was still begging me to be his friend and telling me how miserable he was, and I was still shouting "I DON'T CARE!!!" But when his roommate expressed to me that Chris may not really be over me like I thought I decided to cool it a little.  I believed that because he was the one that broke up with me because he didn't have feelings for me, and then told me that he never did love me, he was going to handle this just fine and get over me really fast.  It confused me that he got upset when he found out I was seeing other guys and begged for my friendship.  But I guess his roommate was right, Chris wasn't over me.  So I decided if that was the case then I wouldn't make the situation harder on him and I would be civil.  So we started talking on aim for a while about different things and it was good.  It was nice to talk to him.  Then we started talking on the phone.  Well we ended up talking for like 4-5 hours.  We talked about our relationship and the break up and he made me realize that I had done things in our relationship that hurt him as well.  He didn't like to tell me what was bothering him so I never really knew when he was hurting or feeling a certain way, but I didn't always make it easy for him to tell me.  It was always on my terms, I would listen when I wanted to and have him tell me when I wanted him too.  That was wrong.  I didn't really realize what I had done until the other night, but if I had thought about it earlier I would have realized it.  So I apologized for having done that.  I hadn't realized how much he had put up with while dating me and I didn't appreciate it until now and I made sure to tell him that.  But its hard for me to know what is bothering him when he doesn't tell me.  There were a lot of times when I would ask for hours what was bothering him and beg to talk about it and he just wouldn't.  We were both at fault.  That doesn't make what he did any better though.  He did still break my heart and lied a lot.  He admitted to me during our conversation that he did love me and always had.   He said that he told me he hadn't so that I would lose hope in getting back together.  He said he was very much confused and he's not even sure why he broke up with me.  He was overwhelmed and confused so he acted with out really thinking about it.  I understand confusion, but what he did. . .idk.  He purposely hurt me, he made me cry, he broke my heart, he made me believe our entire relationship was nothing more than a lie and something for him to do.  Then he changes his mind and tells me that he loves me and all of that was a lie.  So what was the lie? What was true? What am I supposed to believe? Then I asked him if he wanted me back and he said yes.    Can you say whiplash??? I didn't know what to think.  So I told him that we could start over From the beginning.  We could go on our first date again and see where it goes.  I told him that we could start seeing each other, but I was going to keep my dates with other people.  We weren't together yet, but we would be sooner or later.  I told him I didn't trust him and that he needed to figure out what he really wanted.  I told him that if he really did love me and if I was what he REALLY wanted he would have to prove it to me.  He said he was willing to do that.  He said I was the one he loved and the one he wanted.  So I gave him a chance.  We went to the Fonda Fair for our "first date."  He paid for everything and did all he could to make sure I was happy, just like he has always done.  We went on rides, and he won me 7 stuffed animals that I got to carry around all day.  Then at the end of the night, he drove me home and walked me to the door and we shared our "first kiss." His effort was flattering.  He made me very happy that night and even gave me butterflies.  Then he went home and went back to college the next day, but ended up having to come back because my computer had gotten a virus and was destroying itself!!  So he came back and played hero and saved me :D, then he went home again and came back this weekend to see me, take me out to dinner, spend time together.  He asked me out the other night while he was holding me close in my room.  I had no choice but to say yes.  I do love him very much and always have.  I am scared that the reason he wants me back is because he is once again sad, bored, and lonely and he got jealous that I was doing just fine with out him.  I am scared that this is going to happen again.  I'm scared of his intentions and his ability to hurt me, but I trust him.  If he says he won't then I just have to believe him.  I can't go the rest of my life being afraid because any guy could do the samething to me.  But I told him that if he does decide to do this to me again we will be done.  I will not speak to him, I will block him on every device possible and he will be sooo done.  I won't forgive him again.  I'm giving him another chance and its up to him how he is going to take it.  There will not be a next time.  Until then, we are back together and I love him and he swears left and right that he loves me more than anything.  We will see.  Wish me luck. 

Goodbye Chris

Well if you have read my last few blogs you know that Chris and I broke up, things were doing okay with me and him as "friends" but that all went to hell last night.  After sending him the letter that you can read below, which I admit was a bit harsh, but for the things he said to me, I dont think it was that bad.  If he can be honest and tell me how he feels while forgetting my feelings I can do the samething.  After reading it he still messaged me and continued to talk to me.  I was fine with that.  I told him he couldn't hurt me anymore and that he meant nothing to me anymore.  I told him he had destroyed all feelings I had for him, and I had forgiven him for what he did so I had no feelings of anger, saddness, or hate, nor did I have feelings of affection.  I told him I was starting to see some of his true colors and that wasn't the type of guy I wanted to be with or have anything to do with.  He kept asking me why I hated him and why I was saying these things,  I told him that I didn't hate him at all.  I didn't want to be on an emotional rollercoaster anymore.  I didn't want him to keep giving me false hope and toying with my emotions.  I wasn't going to let him be in a position to hurt me anymore, I'm done getting hurt.  He told me that he still wanted to be friends, and I told him i honestly didn't think I wanted to be anymore.  He was shocked, he couldn't believe I had the balls to finally say this.  I've never been able to stand up to anyone like this.  I've never been able to just say I'm done and I don't want anything more to do with you.  All my life I've wanted to stand up to my father, but I was never able to.  I've never been able to really let go of things all that well.  Even when I was a child and I would catch bugs and catterpillers I never wanted anyone to take them away from me.  I wanted to keep them in my jar until they died and then I would cry.  I would cry and throw a fit when someone would try to take something like that away from me.  I'm not sure why I've never been good at letting go, but I let go of Chris.  I do feel a lot better now.  I do appologize if I hurt him, that wasn't my intent.  I may have been a little harsh in the way that I worded certain things, but I think they were all things he needed to hear and he was doing the samething to me.  I can admit when I'm wrong, and he can't without getting really upset about it.  I do feel bad because he was saying that he didn't have any friends or anyone that is there for him, and I was the only person really there, but he pushed me away and I'm not going to be there if he is going to treat me like crap and hurt me.  So I'm sorry Chris if I hurt you at all, that wasn't my intent, but I have moved on and you need to just do the same.  :D

Confession

After seeing my last couple posts I realized that I have left some things out.  I cannot go on and let you think that I have been perfect.  I have been far from it.  While Chris and I were together I did make a lot of mistakes.  I'm not perfect and I'm still learning, but the break up and all of this wasn't all of his fault.  I will admit that I did NOT do as much for him as he did for me in the relationship.  We both had different ways of showing affection and in his eyes my way of doing it didn't equal his.  I didn't drive out to see him nearly as much as he drove to see me and I could have done it more.  We only lived 15 mintues away but that was no excuse.  The truth is I HATE DRIVING!! So I did leave that up to him to pay for the gas and do all the traveling and I admit that was wrong.  Towards the end I did admit that and I tried to drive to him more, but it was too late.  My way of showing affection was being there when he needed me, holding him at night, telling him I loved him, spending time with him, and sending him cute messages online.  His was taking me out, buying me things and doing things in that manner.  I didn't do that sort of thing as much and I probably should have just to say thank you and show that I cared.  Once again, I did it more towards the end, but it was too late.  I'm also the type of person that gets stressed out easily and I don't deal with it well.  This is the one that I feel the worst about.  I did take a lot out on him.  When I got angry or upset, or stressed out he was the one that heard about it and had to deal with it.  I tried to appologize when ever it would happen but that wasn't enough.  He always put up with it and dealt with it, and he shouldn't have had to.  I shouldn't have taken it out on him and been such a B-word.  I wasn't perfect and these are the things that I did do in our relationship that I take responsibilty for.  I tried to appologize for everything I did because I knew I did it, but it was either too late or not enough. 

Inspiring words from another friend

"ya i dont blame u....but believe me from pictures ive seen, things u wrote, u rly r everything i want. ur not perfect u dont live the perfect princess life but ur strong and u know whats important uk when to hold grudges when to let ur pride fall to the wayside, u genuinely care about ppl no matter what, i dont think i could ever be as strong as u from what i read. i want someone that will actually truly love me and that will open there heart to me and trust me to never break it....ive had so many relationships with girls that always have someone on the side just incase someone that everything that they did for me always had a reason for it and i want someone that will do something for me just because....like when u made him that video about how u loved him and missed him....thats exactly what i would die for....i havnt dealt with family issues like u have but i put up with bullshit relationships that i thought were everything i thought i wanted....i want a girl that will miss me just as much as i miss them.."

This was written to me from another friend of mine.  This really made me smile and brought tears to my eyes.  Just for an update: I found out chris has been reading my emails and got all upset because I was talking to other guys and was doing so well.  He is very jealous that I have all my friends and family here supporting me and he is alone.  He feels that he has no one and when I tried to be there for him he attacked me.  He told me he felt that I did nothing for him in our entire relationship and pretty much said I was a horrible girlfriend.  He can feel however he wants.  He tried to bring me down and make me feel bad, but I didn't let him. Instead, I thought about it and then wrote him a letter saying : "well i've decided i'm not going to be a push over. i'm going to tell you what i think and how i feel and i dont care what you think or do. go ahead and delete me from my friends and block me on aim, you will just be even more alone. chris you are selfish, you are the only one that matters. you're the type of person that will do something for someone only if you get something in return. you don't appreciate just doing something for someone just because. in fact you dont care about other people at all, its all about you. you want me to be hurting right now because you are. you hate it that i have so many friends and family that are there for me and love me and you're left alone. do you know why you are alone chris? because u push everyone away. you dont care about other people so why would they want to care about u? you have an unapproachable personality. Seriously, no one can make you happy. your father says the same thing. nothing anyone does for you will make you happy, you always want more, its never enough. You didn't care that i was here missing you before we broke up. You didn't care that I wanted to talk to u and I was up waiting al the time. You knew how I felt and you didn't care, you just wanted to have fun. Well it looks like the fun is over and where are you? you are alone. You don't have me anymore to waste your time and to make you feel better about yourself. You don't have anyone but yourself and that is all you will have until you grow up and learn its not all about you. You're a very depressing person and you brought me down a lot. You ruined every event that should have been fun for the both of us. You ruined a lot of things for me but I just let it go, I always just let it go. I'm not letting it go now chris. Chris you broke my heart into pieces and then just kept letting me have it until I couldn' ttake anymore. And then I when i was doing better and starting to see other people you got jealous and decided to try to hurt me. Well you didn't hurt me. I dont care chris. I never hurt u nearly as much as you hurt me. You're pathedic for reading my emails. Thats what you do because your bored? You should be ashamed of yourself. Well I hope you are enjoying your self pity. I'm over you chris and I dont care if you never want to speak to me again. Honestly, I think I feel better now than I did the entire time we were together. No more stress. I can do what I want when I want and so can you. I'm still not blocking you or deleting you because when you realize how much of an ass you are, i'm here for you to appologize, and if you don't i'm still okay with that. I dont care what happens to you chris. I ACTUALLY AND SINCERLY DON'T CARE ANYMORE!! I have soo many people that love me and if you dont, well you're just one person. Have a great life if I dont talk to you again and I do wish you the best."

It may have been a bit harsh, but I was really upset and that truely was how I felt.  If he can try to beat me down and hurt me then I can be honest and tell him what I think and how I feel. 

The Fair :(

I've been putting off posting this because it still kind of hurts, but right now I'm feeling sooo much better and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders so I guess this is as good a time as any.  Well this is what happened.  On friday my family and I traveled 2 hours to go to the state fair.  Chris was going to meet us there after his class.  I dropped off my cell phone and his GPS to him on our way up there because his college is on the way that way when he got there he could just text my mom and we could find him.   Well I had been so excited about this event.  The fair is my ideal date: playing games, riding rides, eating horrible food, winning teddy bears. . .Thats what I wanted to do with Chris.  I had been so excited.  Well Chris showed up about 2 hours later than what I had expected, but that didn't really matter because all I wanted was to enjoy the fair with him.  Well after he got there we were talking.  I was telling him how I felt and he was acting sort of funny.  So I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing.  So then. . .I asked him if he was breaking up with me and he said "I don't know" but in the form of "yes."  I was shocked, I was so hurt.  Part of me really did know this was coming.  Thats why I made the video and everything because I felt it coming to an end and i wanted to stop it, but I wasn't expecting him to it then.  He knew how excited I was about the fair and how badly I wanted to enjoy it with him.  I begged him not to (I know. . . I'm pathedic. . .I've never begged someone not to go before) Then I felt a panic attack coming on, I didn't want to cry in front of hundreds of people or ruin the fair for my family so I told Chris I wanted to go home.  I told my parents what had happened and they agreed Chris had horrible timing and they felt really bad.  I really wanted to stay, but I didn't want to ruin their fun.  So Chris brought me home.  I had to ride in a car for 2 hours with him and just cry and ask him why and tell him how badly I hurt.  Then he had to stay at the house with me because mom didn't want me alone and I honestly wasn't ready for him to leave yet.  I layed in bed and cried, I wanted nothing more than to die right there.  I told him he was selfish and all he cared about was himself.  I asked him why and he said because he didn't love me anymore and I didn't make him happy.  He told me that for most of it he was happy, but not all of it.  That crushed me.  I felt so horrible.  All I wanted to do was to make him happy, and he didn't.  What made it worse was on Wednesday he had told me that he did love me and that he was happy we were making everything work.  He made it sound like everything was so good and he made me believe he did love me.  He stayed until 11 I think, he fell asleep behind me and I wanted to fall asleep and just let him stay there but he was snoring. . .lol.  I had asked him earlier in one of my crying fits to stay at his house that night instead of going back to college so that I could just see him for a little while tomorrow.  I told him that I needed him and he said that he would be there for me if he could.    He said that he would help me through this.  So he agreed to stay the night.  He told me to wake him up the next morning between 10 and 11 and he would come over and then leave at like 1:30 when I had to go to work.  So I said okay.  Well, the next morning I decided I didn't want to see him.  I had to work that day and I didn't want to cry before work because crying makes me look all puffy, but when 1 o'clock rolled around I really wanted to see him one last time.  So I called him and told him I let him sleep in, but asked him if he would just stop in to work before he left.  He said that he would, and I believed him.  Needless to say he didn't.  I went to work and did all I could to keep it together.  I faked smiles and happy greetings.  As the hours passed I grew more and more depressed because I knew he wasn't coming.  So I called his house just to see if he was still there and his father said he had already left.  Thats when I broke down.  Another lie, and another broken promise. . .nothing more than another disappointment.  I had to leave work early because if I didn't I was going to have a panic attack and I was going to get sick.  I told one of the key holders that I felt sick and he let me leave immediately.  I went home and called my mother to come home because I didn't want to be alone.  She was at our family reunion.  She came home to be with me.  She talked to me and calmed me down because I was hysterical.  She helped me to remember myself and remember my strength.  She helped me realize things and to take a step back.  When I was calm enough I talked to chris.  This is when he admitted to me that he never loved me.  When we had met, I was his first girlfriend.  He was bored and lonely and didn't like to be home.  He never really did much and he wanted some companionship.  Then I came along.  I was his option.  I was the person he could spend every day with and get away from home.  I was something to do.  I was someone that loved him.  I was someone that made him feel better about himself.  He used me for something to do.  Now I can't write this blog and make him seem like a complete asshole even though I would like to.  He was good to me during our entire relationship until we broke up the first time a few weeks ago.  He always treated me well and went out of his way to make and keep me happy.  He went along with what I wanted to do and supported all of my crazy ideas.  He was there for me when I needed him and made me one of the happiest people on the planet for the last 9 months.  So maybe I did live a lie for the last 9 months.  Maybe I did believe in something that wasn't real.  But I was happy. . .and they say never regret something that once made you happy.  and I don't.  I don't regret anything we did together, anything I told him, or anything we shared.  When he admitted this to me thats when I was able to let go.  Thats when I felt better.  I don't know why this made me feel better.  It probably should have made me feel worse.  I think I knew all along this is what our relationship was and the truth. . .made it better?  I don't know but having him admit this to me helped me be okay.  I know it doesn't make sense, at least it doesn't to me, but thats what happened.  So we talked a bit longer and agreed that he's the only one that knows me for me, and I'm the only person that knows him for him.  We agreed that we were more than just a couple, we were bestfriend and even though he did hurt me I will always consider him my bestfriend.  I know what its like to be lonely and to wish for someone to come away and make the pain and loneliness go away so I guess I can't blame him for what he did.  Yes I was used, yes I was lied to. . .but I forgive him because I understand how it feels.  He's just too immature to know what his actions will do to other people.  I'm still too immature to know that.  We decided its best not to talk for a while unless we need to.  We agreed not to delete each other as friends on websites or to block each other.  We agreed to be friends again once this all blows over and we're both able to do that.  I went to bed feeling alone, lied to, used, pathedic, and unloved.  But right now, thanks to all my friends and family, I feel so loved.  He is one person in the world.  I had dinner tonight with 18 family members that love me.  I've gotten support from over 40 people in the last few days, all of which are friends and family.  If I can have 40 people love me, and have one say that he didn't. . .I guess thats okay.  I want to thank my Mom and Soon-To-Be-Dad for being there and talking me through this.  I may be the strong one, but when I'm not you guys are there to hold me up.  I also want to thank Chris's dad and step mom for their prayers and support.  Right now I feel like a weight has been lifted and like I can breath okay for the first time in a while.  I really am going to be okay. 

Another Video I made ♥

Once again, I was bored, sad, and lonely because I'm home and Chris is in college so I used that hour and a half, which turned into 2 hours to make this. 

*sigh*

Well, I'm really sad, bored, and lonely right now so I'm posting yet another blog today.  My boyfriend started his college classes today so I didn't get to talk to him until like 4:00 PM and I haven't spoken to him since and it is now after 9:00 PM.  I am so not used to this, I'm used to seeing him every day.  He would come over every morning and leave at like midnight.  It sucks even more that his cell phone is broken so the only way I can talk to him is when he is online (which he never is).  I just got on the computer and saw that he was online so I sent him a message and just as I did, he signed off.  It said that he had been online for 12 mintues so I don't know why he didn't send me a message.  It upsets me that he didn't, he knows I've been missing him like hell.  I may be clingly and needy right now, but we've been together for almost 9 months so I'm allowed to be sometimes.  I'm having a hard time adjusting to this and he's not really making it easier.  I know its not his fault, but idk. . .I think he could make an effort to talk to me a little more.  I know its going to get easier once I get used to this, but right now I'm struggling with it.  I miss him soooooooo much.  I can't wait until he gets another cell phone so I can at least text him and hear his voice at night.  I'm used to him tucking me in at night. . .I don't get that anymore except on weekends.  Is it friday yet??  He is coming home wednesday this week because his classes end early and start late on thursday.  He knows that I miss him so he's going to come home to see me and spend some time with me.  Friday we're going to the state fair, I really hope it doesn't rain.  *sigh* Bored. . .sad. . .lonely.  I'm ranting and going around in circles, oh well.  I just hope I can talk to him before I go to bed.  I only got to talk to him for a few minutes today. . .I don't want to go to bed without talking to him for a little bit and hearing how his day went. . . :(

All About Chris :D (pix)

He really didn't just wake up. . .He just looks like that sometimes lol

Chris dancing. . .enough said. . .lol ♥

This was at prom, prom really sucked, but thats a story for another day.

I threw this in here because this was a picture from our first date

I love him.  He is so beautiful. ♥♥♥

The Visit

Today I visited my boyfriend (chris) at college.  He goes to SunyIT in Utica which is about 45 minutes from me.  In order to get there I had to take I-90 then I-790 then Rt 49, and it was just a whole lot of confusing.  I drove there by myself for the first time and let me just say, I didn't like it one bit.  I ended up getting off the wrong exit and ending up in downtown Utica, which I've been before because I go through there to get to the mall, but it just wasn't fun getting lost.  I drove around for like 5 mins and then asked directions.  I ended up going past the street he told me to turn on so I had to turn around and it was just hell, but I managed to find my way there any how.  I enjoyed my time there with him.  We layed in his tiny college bed and talked and kissed alot :D, and talked to his roommates, I like all but one of them.  The one I don't like. . .I really don't like.  He's one of those guys that thinks he knows everything and that he's gods gift to humanity. . .ya.  I haven't gotten along with him since before I met him, but the rest seem very nice.  I haven't met one of them officially, but we'll see.  Tom seems kinda like the guy that really wants to fit in so he will go along with what any one tells him, but I only said like 5 words to him over like 20 minutes so I can't really judge.  The other guy that so far is my favorite is Darling, no thats his name, Darling.  He is little, and has an accent, a spanish accent.  He seems a bit shy, but very nice.  I liked him the best.  But like I said, it was only a brief meeting so I really can't judge just yet.  Chris and I drank cranapple juice and ate popcorn chicken and did what all young couples do :D, I had to hold back tears a lot of the time because it really hit me when I was there how much I miss him.  I also realized that it's never really going to be the same again.  Before he left we were together every day.  He was always in bed with me at night and there to tuck me in, he was there for dinner and he brought me breakfast often.  Those things are all going to change.  The only time he is really going to be here is on weekends on when he doesn't have school.  The rest of the time I'm going to be there and I'm rarely going to go to his house.  Its just all hitting me kind of hard right now, but I will be ok.  He is less than an hour away and I can still see him pretty much when ever I want.  I will miss the privacy and our alone time the most, I cherish that.  But we said our goodbyes and I ignored Paul (the roommate I can't stand) when he said his sarcastic goodbye.  Chris gave me his GPS to help me get home, but I still got lost.  The GPS helped me get back to where I had to be and I got home the rest of the way just fine.  And here I am now. 

My boyfriend

Well, today which is August 22nd, my boyfriend left for college.  He spent the last 4 days at my house with out really leaving and then last night he finally went home.  He told me he would be at my house by 8 AM so that we could be at the college around 8:40 to move him in.  Well I woke up at 7 to get ready and 8 came and went like I knew it would.  So I called him and of course he was still in bed.  So I woke him up and then drove over to his house so that maybe we could leave a little faster.  Well Chris, his step mom Karen, and I didn't get to the school until about 10:00 AM anyways.  The college was nice.  I hadn't been there yet.  He's a freshman at SUNYIT in Utica, he wants to be a Computer Engineer.  Well we moved him in and I made his bed and helped Karen organize his room.  He is living in a suit with 1 real roommate and 3 other suit mates.  5 guys. . .on apartment type thing. . .lol.  Well I had to leave him around 12 because I had to go to work, but he is all set up and happy.  I plan to visit him tomorrow.  Chris and I met December 6, 2008. . .the first time I spoke to him I yelled at him.  I was nervous, and so was he and he didn't meet me where I told him to meet me and I didn't know what to say or do so I yelled at him some what jokingly and then began dragging him along.  We had started talking on myspace because I thought he was very attractive.  I had seen his profile many times, but I didn't message him for a long while, then I decided what the heck.  So I sent him a message but once again I didn't know what to say so I used the line "You look familiar" and it worked.  We started talking and hit it off.  The first time I talked to him on the phone I thought he was a little annoying and I wasn't sure I would like him.  About a week later I had my friends party to go to and I asked him if he would go with me as a date, and he used a few different excuses which I still don't believe but 5 minutes before the party started he agreed to go.  We met in person at the party and I thought he was gorgous.  I was and still am his first girlfriend.  At the time he had never kissed anyone and I didn't just want to kiss him so at the party I organized a silly little game of spin the bottle :D and that plan worked as well and I got to kiss him, the rest of the night we were attached at the mouth.  The rest was history.  We've now been together for over 8 months and we've seen each other just about every day since the first day.  We broke up for 3 days this month and we still saw each other every day.  I love him very much and I look forward to what ever future we have together. 
Well that concludes my second blog.  Hope you liked it.